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LOL.. I am soooo all-over the place with this current weight. I lost 2# since I posted last. It's absurd. But I KNOW why.. I am supposed to be upping my calories and downing my excercise to maintain. But I caaaaan't.. You know how our brains are. Or maybe it's just mine? My biggest fear right now is re-gain. I want to maintain but my brain can't switch because the fear is very real. So I have been soul searching.. daughter seems to think I have reached a "happy place" - meaning "stop mom" - and I very much respect her opinion (only one out of my whole family). Everyone else hasn't been very supportive and/or otherwise, obnoxiously judg-y.

So I have changed my mind again. I think first time around, I safely set my goal weight at 150#.. when I was nearing it, I knew I could do better. Now that I reached the second goal I set for myself.. I see that my frame can handle losing another 10# - so 120# it is. Anything under that does not interest me. My daugther is 2" shorter and weighs 116# - she looks fantastic for her frame and I know I wouldn't look right. So yes.. new goal has been set. Yeah... 7 more # to go!!!

First plastics consult is next Wednesday the 1st of June. Excited, yet scared shitless. His work is amazing. He has experience with bariatric patients too which is a HUGE plus!

OMG I DID IT!! REACHED GOAL AND EVEN ONE POUND UNDER!!!

Now onto the harder part.. keeping this biatch OFF and maintain!

Oo man! I mean.. I did gain ONE pound in CO, I was good though.. ate what I normally eat and my daughter and her SO Josh even invited me to a vegan restaurant a few times (SOO good, they liked it too!!). Josh also made me a mushroom steak one night with roasted veggies. I LOVE how supportive they are. I am so blessed. I wish my TX peeps were.. but it's okay.. I am so much more mentally stronger this time around.

For anyone comtemplating this surgery.. YES it's trading one set of problems for another (there are a lucky few who don't) - but I wouldn't have had it any other way. It is a life-saving tool.. nothing more.

I never considered plastics first time around, but I am almost 50 and well.. the skin doesn't quite bounce back with kindness. I maybe have 7-10# of excessive skin on my legs, tummy, arms and chest. I started taking liquid collagen to help a little with the turkey neck, but it's too soon to tell.

I will keep up with this blog. I need accountability. I love the support and kindness we all have shown each other through these journies. Not all are the same. But we have the biggest, most courageous hearts. Fight on OH fam 

ONE pound away from goal, hahaha - welp.. I hope I can manage! Today I fly off to CO to visit my daughter for a week and she will want to um.. celebrate!! Stay head-strong CB.. yes she is my biggest supporter, but she is also my biggest chunk of kryptonite as in.. I will want to join her in her cute, foodie-ways. Gotta stay mindful of exercise and getting those steps in! I hope everyone is well and having a great week!!

100# lost in 11 months and 4 days! I started this new journey last June 1st - beaten, but having gathered that last bit of strength.. I gave it my all - yes.. AGAIN. 

Sooooo close to goal and all that's occupying my head are negative thoughts.. sabotaging thoughts, WTF is up with that?! The happiness from knowing how hard I have worked this past year seems to be going over my head. I keep fixating on what's wrong (the wrinkly, saggy skin..) when I KNOW BETTER THAN THAT!! Please head.. cooperate with the rest of my body.. this is a GOOD THING! Be well OH-ers!

I HAVE MADE IT TO THE "HEALTHY" CATEGORY OF THE LAND OF BMI!!! Holy cow, hahahaha. OMG. I just need to let that sink in today. And to make it that much sweeter, my sweet friend Antony has introduced me to the world of acid vs. alkaline healthy eating (for inflammation, weightloss and lowering your risk of health conditions like cancer) - I am on day 4 and already feel like a different/lighter person! Have a wonderful day OH FAM.. hugs!!

Soooo close!

I got my SIL the gym bug!! We went a few days ago, she saw/did my routine and is hooked!! She really doesn't need to lose weight, but wants to tone.. I am SO proud of her!! We walked almost 6 miles this morning. YAHS!! 

The weight continues to melt off. Still not complaining. Anticipating a plateau anyday now. I can't believe I only have 18 more pounds to lose. I met a man recently.. he lied about his age (he is 58, not 52 like he originally passed himself off as) and he has the nerve to tell me when I was telling him my stats (height/weight) - he was like "um.. at 5'4" you should be like 115#" - I was like, "really.. cos I'd be a bag of bones!" - meanwhile.. he's got a dadgut/beer belly that could use some shaving. UGH. Brushed it off though.. he doesn't know my journey.

The 21-mile race went splendid! MUCH better for my ever-disappearing butt than the 32-miles, lol. I think I am going to stick to 20 miles and under for now til the butt gets accustomed to the itty-bitty seat.  

HUGE NSV victory to share!! Last weekend I participated in a 32-mile bike run. I only entered it because I wanted to test my endurance.. you know, to see how many miles I could accomplish.. and well.. I DID IT ALL!! I averaged my "normal" of about 10 mph, so I was very happy about that. No cramps either. I was so proud of myself that I entered another fundraiser bike run this weekend for 21 miles, haha. I told my daughter that a new hobby found me!!

I have also lost another 5# since my last post. Mind continues to be blown/scared. As I simply can't wrap my brain as to why it's all working out right now. But I cannot let fear ruin that. My good friend Antony pre-race said to me.. was SO adamant that I'd finish the race (and wow, it feels great to have someone have so much faith in you) - he told me to stop being scared and to just think for a minute "what if it DOES all work out?" 

Rock on!

Welp.. I would say I don't know what's going on, but I think I do! Like I stated in my previous blog entry.. I've been adding new swimming and exercises to my normal routine and I guess it has jump started the weightloss in a major way!! I am not going to question it, but enjoy the fruits of my new labor (lol).

One ugly comment was made by my brother this week that hurt my feelings in a big way. I have severe insomnia. They know this. It's so hard to function on days where I get ZERO sleep.. but they can't sympathize. Two nights ago that was the case. I had a busy day yesterday.. he, wife and kids came over. Everything was cool. Then they went to my backyard to play while I stayed indoors talking to my SIL. She then joined them and I briefly placed my head on my dining room table and rested my eyes. After maybe about 15-20 mins, they all came in. He says "look at your auntie kids, that's what she gets for starving herself".

For one.. "starving" myself had NOTHING to do with putting my head on the table. Unless he thought my neck couldn't support my head. He doesn't agree or rather.. can't fathom my eating choices. I am not starving.. ever! Just because he continues to feed his eating addiction, don't knock me down brother. For two.. I did snap and said "I would like to see how ANY of you could function with absolutely NO sleep" - with a few curse words of course. Not a peep. I went to my room to cry. No other release. And so extremely proud of myself for not burying myself with food to cope with the nastiness.

Ugh. I had to get that off my my chest. My daugther (who lives outta state and is my lifeline) says "Mom, what he says comes from a place of hurt. He sees you succeeding where he can't. Hurt people hurt people." She is so right. And while my feelings were hurt in a huge way.. I am not angry with him. I have tried showing him the way before.. he's almost 350# - he was the one that was hospitalized not too long ago. I have begged him to go on walks with me.. or to the gym or to swim. I can't do it for him.

So 80# lost. That's the size of a small sofa. I weep for the me that got lost along the way. So much shame for regaining all that weight after my surgery back in 2005. So much life had happened. As I am creeping closer and closer to my goal weight, trace memories are coming back at the "feelgood" I once had. Oo yeah.. another daughter story that adds to this.. as a matter of fact she told me today.. she said that after my last visit earlier this month.. her friend Courtney, partner Josh and his sister Sarah ALL said they can't believe the change they saw in me. NOT the weightloss.. but the change in mood, character, personality - they all said I was like a different person. My daughter just said.. "that's the mom I have always known.. it just takes her time to find herself sometimes". It made me cry.. not just because of what my beautiful daughter said.. but because others noticed this change in me. I am so happy they shared that with her and her with me.

Stay strong OH fam. We may feel lost along the way.. but we are there.. waiting to blossom.