2022.03.24 - CW 156 (-80#)

Mar 24, 2022

Welp.. I would say I don't know what's going on, but I think I do! Like I stated in my previous blog entry.. I've been adding new swimming and exercises to my normal routine and I guess it has jump started the weightloss in a major way!! I am not going to question it, but enjoy the fruits of my new labor (lol).

One ugly comment was made by my brother this week that hurt my feelings in a big way. I have severe insomnia. They know this. It's so hard to function on days where I get ZERO sleep.. but they can't sympathize. Two nights ago that was the case. I had a busy day yesterday.. he, wife and kids came over. Everything was cool. Then they went to my backyard to play while I stayed indoors talking to my SIL. She then joined them and I briefly placed my head on my dining room table and rested my eyes. After maybe about 15-20 mins, they all came in. He says "look at your auntie kids, that's what she gets for starving herself".

For one.. "starving" myself had NOTHING to do with putting my head on the table. Unless he thought my neck couldn't support my head. He doesn't agree or rather.. can't fathom my eating choices. I am not starving.. ever! Just because he continues to feed his eating addiction, don't knock me down brother. For two.. I did snap and said "I would like to see how ANY of you could function with absolutely NO sleep" - with a few curse words of course. Not a peep. I went to my room to cry. No other release. And so extremely proud of myself for not burying myself with food to cope with the nastiness.

Ugh. I had to get that off my my chest. My daugther (who lives outta state and is my lifeline) says "Mom, what he says comes from a place of hurt. He sees you succeeding where he can't. Hurt people hurt people." She is so right. And while my feelings were hurt in a huge way.. I am not angry with him. I have tried showing him the way before.. he's almost 350# - he was the one that was hospitalized not too long ago. I have begged him to go on walks with me.. or to the gym or to swim. I can't do it for him.

So 80# lost. That's the size of a small sofa. I weep for the me that got lost along the way. So much shame for regaining all that weight after my surgery back in 2005. So much life had happened. As I am creeping closer and closer to my goal weight, trace memories are coming back at the "feelgood" I once had. Oo yeah.. another daughter story that adds to this.. as a matter of fact she told me today.. she said that after my last visit earlier this month.. her friend Courtney, partner Josh and his sister Sarah ALL said they can't believe the change they saw in me. NOT the weightloss.. but the change in mood, character, personality - they all said I was like a different person. My daughter just said.. "that's the mom I have always known.. it just takes her time to find herself sometimes". It made me cry.. not just because of what my beautiful daughter said.. but because others noticed this change in me. I am so happy they shared that with her and her with me.

Stay strong OH fam. We may feel lost along the way.. but we are there.. waiting to blossom.

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