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Ready to make an appointment with a nutritionist.  I have cut back on my calories (not tracking) so I am currently maintaining.  I'm working my butt off in my gardens but still can't seem to get any weight off.  Sigh....I need to try harder!  I will make an effort to further cut back on carbs.  My little grandson needs me to play with him!  My body feels like it did ten years ago.....yeah....I know what you're thinking....I'm also 10 years older!  But no....that's no excuse.  I WILL try harder.

While my weight is up my anxiety is down.   I have more days of feeling happy then not.  It's great not feeling guilty and losing a big burden off my shoulders.  Thank you God!

Ok...here's my week.  Food issues...yup ...still there.  I was down a pound this morning...big deal for me as the stupid scale seems to be stuck on one number.  Perhaps it was finally feeling sorry for me.   Drug issues....well....haven't used again.  Yay me!  Did I look for anything at my daughter's house after she had surgery...you betcha!  Luckily my kids put a "safe plan" in place.  In this said plan my daughter was to hide her pain meds in the event I was "seeking".   Guess how that makes me feel that my daughter has to do this for her mom?  The person who has taken care of her all her life.....not so bad it turns out.  You see....it seems that I've raised some pretty good girls who will go to the trouble to help their mom out and realize that she is human.  I don't like it...but I'll get over it.  The addiction part of my brain has some things to work out yet. 

Exercise this week?  Gardening!!!   I can't believe the energy I have WITHOUT the drugs!   I kinda feel like maybe I should  have more...but then I remember the numbers on my license...you know....the age and the weight.  Gotta get that changed (the weight ...not the age). Funny story....I have been driving around with a funky smell in my car....turns out I still had some compost in the back.  Guess the Gingko hasn't kicked in yet...sigh.

Seeing my counselor every week....it lifts me up and points me in the right direction every visit.  She lets me talk myself out and along the way I'm discovering who I am, who I was, and who I want to be.  Sometimes I wonder why I'm paying her.....   I know that I am a work in progress  and I'm no longer going to be the "go to " person all the time.  (Big family....oldest....planner....you see where I'm going with this.) 

I will get through this.....and maybe along the way my weight loss will start up again.  Right now I'm just taking it a few days at a time.  And I'm happy with that.

"One of the happiest moments ever is when you find the courage to let go what you can't change."

"Don't forget that you are human.  It's OK to have a meltdown....just don't unpack and live there.  Cry it out and focus on where you are headed."  Trying to get back into eating right.....grrr....so hard!  Anxiety is following me around lately ....and you know what that means.  This was a hard weekend for me.....I hate father's day.  For years I have been buying just the right father's day card....one that doesn't show too much mushy stuff and remains generic.  I love card shopping you see....and always buy "just the right card" for the occasion.  Or just for the heck of it.  My cards have to convey the perfect message and I look until I find the perfect card.  Unfortunately Hallmark doesn't make a "incestuous, bully of a father" card.   Better days are coming.....I just know it!

I hate father's day......

Another day without a drug.   Feelings of happiness coming back and I feel so...clear.   My sister sent me a quote one day and I cling to it when I'm feeling down. "You're human...it's ok to have a melt down once in a while....just don't unpack live there."   This got me through a lot the last few months.  I thank her for this.  For quite a while just waking up in the morning was hell.  I just wanted to stay there in mind numbing darkness.  Part of this was knowing that I would never have my precious drug again.....and part was overwhelming depression that comes from giving up the drug.....as well as being slammed back into reality and the reason I chose to take drugs in the first place.  I wasn't happy.  And that was crazy.  I have so much to be thankful for.  Jobs I like (yeah... have two jobs)....kids doing well....sweet grandson.....husband who loves me (ok...he could use a little work but can't they all?)....and not a lot of worries.   Today I find myself smiling for no reason.  Do I have remorse....well of course.  Am I ashamed....yup.  But there is nothing I can do about it except move on.  I have to....people need me.  I am the "go to" and "support" and "party planner" and "family mediator" and "Mimi who babysits" and ....ok  I think I see a pattern here.  Maybe I need to take time for me and say no once in a while.  Yes.....thank you I think I will.   So as I continue to find my happy moments again I will also back away from taking in all the quilt and extra tasks so many of us mom and wives do.   Just for a while......I usually love hubub.   Today I will clean house and work in my flower garden listening to my audiobook.   I won't worry about bills.....the work needing to be done at my office.....the pain I caused my in-laws......or father's day (I've always hated the shopping pretense for my own father).   Hope your weekend is a good one!

I haven't posted for a few (several) weeks.  I'm trying to get my eating under control.   Working with a psychotherapist regarding drug addiction and past abuse.  I've talked with my husband's family and we are mending.  My own family is standing by me and helping me.   They are the best!   I plan to keep up with my posts for my own therapy.  Sometimes writing is easier than talking.....will blog more later....right now....at this moment...all is well.   C/

I'm happy to have found this forum....sad to see so few posts.  I was hoping for a daily discussion group.  My story?  Remember the psychological exam part of your initial WLS testing?  They asked me a question that I didn't want to answer truthfully.  Why?  Because I was sure it would result in a hold on my surgery.   Somehow I just knew that it would come back to haunt me.  The question was " have you ever been abused, physically, emotionally or sexually?"....nope...not me.  Well, I lied.  My father sexually abuse me for three years when I was a young teenager.  He humiliated and bullied me and as a result I was a shy, lonely girl who lacked confidence in most anything.  I eventually told my mother (whom I loved until the day she died but perhaps always felt a little resentful that she stayed with him) and it stopped.  Bottom line....eating became my comfort.  Yep....we all have a story...... WLS seemed like the way to go for me.  However....the pain pills they give you were wonderful and I fell in love....slowly...but it was there.  Eventually I was stealing them from anyone I could.  I had a father-in-law who took them for back pain.  He always had "extra" what the heck, why not?  My marriage wasn't the greatest but those little pills made me deal with things a little better.  And I continued to steal.....I didn't buy them off the street...not me!  (Didn't have too...I stole them from anyone and everyone instead).    OK...fast forward 6 years through the continuous guilt and weight gain and hold on a now sick mother-in-law.  Breast CA.  My first thoughts?  Humm...she will need pain meds!  Yep...I did...stole from her also.  I try to downplay it and say that I only took hers a few times and certainly never when she REALLY was in pain.  Doesn't matter...I did it.   She died a month ago (I miss her) and the day after the funeral ....my father-in-law told my husband what I had been doing.  It seems they had a camera set up....I already knew there were fake pills in the draw I used to steal from.....I have a nephew in law enforcement....a sister-in-law who is a pharmacy tech.  I assume they were there to help.   So now....my niece and nephew (and of course their spouses) now...my brother and sister-in law and who knows else all know what I've done.   We are (were) a VERY close family and I realize I don't have the right to cry "foul" but I wish they had just come to me instead of everyone else.  They don't understand addiction and I guess I was just a low-life to them and they were afraid of me.  Unfortunately,my husband (who is sticking by me all the way!) hasn't be able to grieve for his mother they way I think he would have.  He visits his dad and they talk but....I wonder how much he's holding in.  We talk every day and he asks me how I'm doing....  I have had two sessions with a psychotherapist and I have hope that she will help me with both my addiction and my past abuse (yes, I through that out to my husband also....never told him)...poor man.  I didn't go through bad withdrawal as I didn't have access to many pills over the last few months.  I guess it was a double whammy for me...sexual abuse and WLS...both can certainly lead to addiction.   OH.....and here's the real kicker.....what do I do for a living?  I own my own business doing drug/ alcohol testing (yes...I get the irony).  I've worked as a counselor in a methadone clinic and I am VERY familiar with addiction and what it entails.  I have no excuse.   Years ago I was constantly humiliated by my father......I am now so humiliated again that I haven't been able to talk to any of my husband's family. I've said nothing to my own family.....they no nothing of my past or present abuse.  My counselor told me not to worry and focus on my recovery........but I'm kinda lonely without them.    So there is MY story and I truly hope no one else has anything worse because I feel this is probably the most selfish story there is out there.  Guilt has followed me around since I was a kid (the oldest) and always being told "you are the oldest you should have been taking care of" ...that, them...whatever.   OK....I'm tired now but will promise to come to this site and just listen if anyone needs a shoulder.    C/

Weight gain!   I have decided to come back to this site and get motivated.  Didn't take long as there are so many folks willing to help out!  Cross addiction issues along with family problems has life being.....well...hard!  But with a little 2 year-old grandson now in the picture I have something to look forward to. 

November 3, 2006 6:52 am

So...a little about ME. Well.. I'm 47, married 27 years with two great daughters currently in college. My oldest will be graduating this year with a degree in Criminal Justice. She currently works for the US Probation Office as an intern. My youngest is in her fourth year of Physical Therapy. Am I proud of them??....you have no idea. They will be the first of any children/grandchildren on either side of our family to go thru college.
My weight problems started a long time ago. You see...my whole family loves food in general. No one has to be a great cook or anything...we just love to eat! I've tried Weight Watchers, probably one of the better diets, Atkins, calorie counting....but you know the rest of the story. I actually lost weight during pregnancies (go figure) but later gained it back plus. Right now I'm at 257 with severe sleep apnea,diagnosed during pre-op testing for WLS. I also have hypertension, high cholesterol and am on meds for depression. My Dad and sister have diabetes, Mom died of breast CA seven years ago (seems more like last week....) I figure that I'm in the running for an early death anyway so this surgery might be my only chance for fighting back.
I know it sounds crazy but as the oldest I feel as though it will be me that succumbs to any type of disease or illness. Mom died at age 61 and I feel that is my destiny also. It's silly but it's what I feel. Sooo...if that's the case then I plan to fight hard for the time I have left. There...it's in writing. Dumb but it feels better to have it out in the open.
As many others, I'm going to look at this surgery as a new birth. After I'm "born" I won't be able to eat much for a while, then progress to solid foods and go from there. In this new life I will make better choices. At the same time my husband will be walking along with me and together we can get the weight off as he is heavy also.

I'm going thru the insurance hoops right now... I have to see a physician or nurse practitioner for a period of 12 months before they can decide on surgical approval. February is my last month and I now have my appointment for a surgical consult. My biggest concern is the emotional aftermath of surgery. But hey...bring it on!

Feb. 21
Still waiting to see surgeon - I can't seem to stop eating!! In my mind I am thinking that "hey, I'll have the surgery soon and THEN I'll stop", but I know that this isn't good. I haven't gained weight...lost a little each month lately but still I need to come down to earth here. Getting ready for Daytona Beach Bike Week. Maybe I'm a little stressed......

March 13
WOW! Traveled 1500 miles on our motorcycle throughout Florida. Went to Key West and back to Daytona. Had a ball! Perhaps next year hubby won't have quite the load as he did this year.


March 16
Date with surgeon tomorrow. Can't wait but nervous. Hopefully some questions will be answered at that time. I then have to wait for insurance company approval.

March 17, 2006
Surgical app went great and I really like my Dr. She seems to be a a no nonsense lady and that's what I need! Here's hoping to get approved soon!

March 27
Received denial letter...called insurance company to find out what they need further. The lady on the phone said "hold on a minute" OK, so five minutes later (I do have patience) she came back and said that the surgical code was wrong for coverage. Hummmmm..so I then called the physician's office. The girl there reviewed the original letter and sure enough! the code was entered wrong! She will send in a correction. Dare I think that it might go thru this time?

April 11
Nope...another denial, verified by phone to the ins. co. Drats!! I'll wait to get the letter in my hand to see just what they need now.
Very frustrating..... On a lighter note...making plans to have a graduation party for my daughter (college). Hope the weather is good but in Maine you just never know.

April 18
Spoke with the lady at the insurance company. I explained that I felt that I had sent in all they requested. The first submission had an incorrect surgical code. OK, so the physician sent in the correct code. Now...they claim there isn't enough information (they require 12 months of supervised diet and excercise). I explained that this was all submitted earlier. She then printed out 100 pages (my PCP got a little crazy....) of my records and they reviewed them. It's frustrating to think that unless I called this wouldn't have happend!!! Grrrrrr... Damn they make you work for this!

April 20
Jessica, insurance company lady, reviewed everything. It seems that I was missing one month! As luck should have it my records show that I had a March visit to see my PCP where we discussed weight loss. The next visit was in April...follow me closely here...from there on out we did the 12 month visits...so we both thought. It seems that when you look closely at my records the March visit was in 2004!!!
The next entry is April 2005. Therefore, when my PCP reviewed my visits she saw that I had supposedly seen her for 12 months. Crap!
OK, so Jessica will submit to medical review and they may or may not approve. If they don't I can then appeal. Man............Oh well...in the meantime I'm planning and researching! But hey, summer is coming I need to get out there!

June 19
Just got back from Laconia NH Bike Week and had a great time. Unfortunately there was a denial letter from the appeals board. Crap! It seems that some information is missing....a titration report from the second sleep study I did. And of course the fact that only 11 months documentation was sent as I was short 1 month. But wait....was she smart enough to head them off...yes..she was. I contacted my PCP, had another appointment explaining the situation of the missing month and my PCP wrote a letter to the appeals board for me. Darn nice one too! Anyway, I called the insurance company and they suggested that I wait to see what exactly the appeals board would say in the denial letter before I submit the letter from my PCP (are you keeping up with me here??). Bottom line, I received my denial as did the surgeon, surgeon's office will get the titration report. I faxed a copy of my PCP's letter and they will submit everything. You know, the hoops are there to be jumped thru...but why the heck does it take so darn long? The ins. co. says..."oh, just wait and see what the appeals board says...then submit your PCP letter." Well, that's all well and good but it took a whole freakin' month for them to decide!!! That's after waiting because of the previous two denials. I'm not gettin' any younger here folks! And so we wait.........
June 27 - Still waiting....good thing my business i busier than ever or I'm sure I'd just go crazy here! Beginning to think that I should just give up and try losing again the way I always have. My mind is psyched but I can't seem to do it. But then, that's my life story right? I just need this boost!! (Sigh)

July 7 , 2006
WOW...I'm in shock...pessimist that I am I was sure approval was far beyond my reach. Lo and behold in today's mail...I AM APPROVED!!! Now, a date. Hummm...guess it would be a little forward to call the surgeon at 8 p.m. tonight huh? OK, so I'll wait 'till tomorrow. Oh crap...I mean Monday.

July 10, 2006

Called the Dr. and they didn't have their copy of the insurance company letter yet. It might be a day or so behind mine. Why? Who knows? Was told that they will call with a date when they do. Again, I wait.

July 13, 2006

Dr. still has no notification from Ins. Co. .....hummmm. "Becky" assured me that as soon as they have it they will call me with a date. OK, Beck thanks for the advice but you could really use an attitude adjustment day. And we wait...... But hey, a thought (I don't get many but on occasion they can be good ones...) I'll call the Ins. Co. and ask if a letter has been sent out yet. So I call..they apparently have had a whole seminar on attitude since they are always nice and today was no exception. The girl I spoke with looked everything up and found out that "no" there wasn't a copy going to the physician. Well how the heck did they think the Dr. would find out? Good grief! I'm glad I have an IQ over 10 so I can help myself out.
OK, now...do we call "Becky" back and make her day again? Ah what the heck go for it! Becky answered in her sweet way...I told her the news, that I had received a copy of the approval letter but that they wouldn't be getting one from the ins. co. As I paused for a breath to complete my thought Becky said "just a minute" and put me on hold. OK, hon..I'll still be here when you get back. She came on the line a little later and said that "we need a copy of the letter before we can schedule you"...well...duh ....I knew that of course and had you let me finish..... You get the picture. Short story long, I faxed a copy to her so quick she didn't have time to unbunch her panties!! And now...you guessed it...I'm waiting for a call. (Hope she doesn't shred it "by accident".)

July 18 - Called and spoke with Laurie who is a peach. I told her that I had sent along my approval letter and was waiting for a date. She looked around and discovered that although "Becky" didn't shred my approval letter, it apparently was filed into my chart which was then filed away instead of being brought to the attention of the girl who schedules the surgeries. So Laurie dragged it out and gave it to Lisa who will now schedule ......

July 21 -
Got a letter in the mail...I HAVE A DATE!!! I resisted the urge to call for fear I would awake "Becky's" wrath. But my letter is here...September 11....was hoping for something sooner but hey...I've waited this long. Besides, I haven't been very good with my diet in general so this will give me some time to fix things and bulk up on protien. Wow...this is so surreal.....I am actually going to do this. I can't wait!

July 25 -
All is well...I've changed some things in my eating habits and will continue to improve. Now I have another concern, hubby works at a paper mill..there is a possibility that it might be sold. Will this change insurance companies? Perhaps I will take the bull by the horns and call my doctor to request a sooner surgery.

July 25 - WOW! Got my date moved up! Whoo Hoo!!! Aug. 17...OMG! Gotta get crackin' at getting ready for sure now. Now the nervousness is really setting in.

Aug. 7 - Buy up those little things I'll need in the hospital. I'm glad I saved many of the posts here to refer to on different subjects. My kids ( 24 & 21) are a little aprehensive about this surgery. Guess I am too..one day I'm all for it ...the next I have doubts...but I understand that this is normal.

Aug. 8 - OK - get this. I go to have my pre-op bloodwork and EKG. While having the EKG (I used to work at this hospital for many years so I know pretty much everyone) Rusty, the tech, asks me WHY I'm having surgery. "You're not as big as most of those people having it done." Yeah, well Rusty my dear.....my choice hon. THEN...he proceeds to tell me how these people he didn't fair so well and have problems. I didn't ask just HOW many people he knows and what their "problems" were. ARRRGH! I simply told him that this was something that I had researched out well and felt that it was a choice I felt necessary for me. He backed off and said how proud he was of me for taking a proactive approach to my health. Good grief...will I run into this everywhere? Also, the last time I checked....a diagnosis on a patient's order wasn't exactly open for discussion unless the patient asked questions. I know this guy but not well enough for him to pass his opinion on to me! Oh well......

Aug. 12 - OMG! The one thing that I was going to miss this year was my mother-in-laws fantastic turkey dinner. My daughter says that perhaps it's the family gathering that I'm so fond of more than the food...I think she's right! But I actually tried to plan my surgery so that I would be able to at least have semblance of Xmas dinner. Four months from now I should be doing well enough to nibble with the rest of the family without standing out. Anyway, today my daughter calls to tell me that my mother-in-law has planned a big turkey dinner in my honor! WOW....surgery is in three days and this will be my last big supper.....how great is she?????????? Thank you God for giving her to me!

Aug. 16 - Kept busy today getting things ready. Tried to tell myself that not every speck of dust had to be taken care of. House will still be here when I get back and I will eventually be able to do housework again (darn). Little worried about coming back again....what if?
Aug. 17 - Got to the hospital by 10 a.m. - scheduled for 11. Went to registration and they informed me that they were ahead of schedule and wanted me in ASAP. Wow...didn't have time to think about anything. Within the next hour I was in the preped and in the OR. Barely got time to say goodbye to everyone. I was expecting to come out of the OR with lots of pain. Nope...none at all...go figure. I'm such a cheap date....meds hit me hard. It was great!!!!!

Aug 18 - Good day.....up and around the nurses station five times. Still not much for pain.
Home tomorrow....YAY.

Aug. 19 - Whew home....all is well. Pain is still minimal, family is helping out and I'm happy.

Aug. 31 - Spent the last couple of weeks reading, sitting in the sun and napping whenever I could. Did a little work where I could but the pain meds (yeah, it finally did start hurting a little) keep me fuzzy. Can't concentrate. Oh well. Got my carpet cleaned, car and truck cleaned with hubby's help. Little things but I haven't had the time with work being so busy.

Sept. 2 - Good day. Pain is gone except when I bend over. Dr's appointment yesterday went well. 12 lbs gone! Belly still a little swollen as I can't wear pants well, even elastic waist. To those who read this remember this point. I don't own many "baggy" clothes and it would have been a little helpful. Even dresses of some sort maybe. Still sharing my house with my daughter's two cats, and six kittens. Fleas, scratches, constant feeding, letting them outside....you know the drill! Ah well...life will go on.

Sept.14 - Wow, time sure does fly! 20 lbs gone!! I've have read so many profiles in which people said how good they feel. Well...yep...I can understand it now. I do feel just terrific. Still have the kittens who still have fleas. Baths all around 1 or 2 times a week. The good news is....both mommy cats have been spayed...ya hoo! No more "in heat" meowing. Whew!
Back to work big time as I have lots to do. I didnt get nearly as tired as I thought I would. Spent last weekend with my kids helping to move my oldest daughter back home temporarily. She's recently gotten a great job with the drug court as case manager. We talked her into moving home and saving some money. My clothes are getting looser! OMG! I wear scrubs to work and you know how loose they are anyway....now what? Guess I'll just buy a couple of pairs of pants and make them last until the next size change. I have a friend who sews....hummmmm maybe she can help. Bye for now.

Sept. 19 - 23 lbs gone! Wow...can't believe how great I feel. Having trouble with the water consumption but I'm still working on it. I also was having trouble with feeling hungry soon after eating (like within 2 hours!) but I finally figured out that you have to eat/drink EXACTLY as your nut indicates. This helps with the hunger. My busy life (as everyone elses) sometimes makes it difficult and I'm thinking about asking my nut about six smaller meals during the day. It might be easier for me with my schedule. Sometimes I might be on a job for several hours and not be able to eat. Anyway...I'll just keep working on it and find out what works for me.

Oct. 4 - Still feeling terrific with only a couple of bad days from not eating correctly. My biggest problem is the fluids. Makes a huge difference in how you feel. Push the liguids!! Oh yeah, 30 lbs gone...whoo hooo! And I can finally eat real food. Now I can start putting together meals at night for hubby and myself. I plan to learn healthy meal prep for both of us. Can't wait!

Oct. 13 - Friday the 13th....so far so good with no catastrophes. 225 lbs this am! Wow....it's coming off so fast. Sometimes that worries me but I'm trying to eat varied foods and keep up with the proten. I am doing well with that and getting better with the fluids. What a difference it makes when you get the liquids in....

Oct. 20 - It's my own fault I know, but I want to remind others what can happen when you eat too much salt. I've been doing well, 36 lbs gone, but this past week I did a real boneheaded thing. Since I travel quite often I look for things to eat in the car. No problem....I'm inventive. This time I decided to have beef jerky, salty yes but it fit the bill. Well...guess I should have remembered that during PMS days (which was now) I crave salty things. Long story short....I not only ate the jerky, but discovered soy chips also. This combined with three separate days of driving and not moving around much, not to mention not drinking enough fluids....led to my 5 lb weight gain. Now I know it's temporary and all but still....it's an "oh crap" feeling. Oh yeah...and the soy chips were soooo good....I bought another bag for another trip. Good grief! OK, so lessons learned? I tend to crave carbs and salt during PMS. Will watch that carefully and make better choices. I get bored during trips.....will plan for audio tapes which help quite a bit.

Oct. 26 - Whew...the five lb. gain has gone with an additional few lbs. also. 219 this morning! Wow...who would have thought I would see these numbers again? I can't believe it. Jerry is planning to do surgery next and I'm very nervous about it. Guess this is how he felt. I sent some information to his Dr. yesterday regarding WLS and I'll educate Jerry as much as possible to get him ready. He tends to "fade out" when I talk about the details. LOL

Nov. 3 - Down to 214!  Wow...this is so great!  I feel wonderful and happy when I wake in the mornings now.  Can't wait for that first snow....many would have me flogged for saying that but darn it...I like the snow!  I will however, admit that the cold is giving me some grief right now.  Usually I'm the one on the deck in shortsleeves cooling off but as I slowing loose my insulation I find myself freezing all the time.  Sweaters have become my best friend....and I don't have many!!!  Gotta shop!