4/29/14 Cross Addiction - (this is where I tell all)

Jun 12, 2014

I'm happy to have found this forum....sad to see so few posts.  I was hoping for a daily discussion group.  My story?  Remember the psychological exam part of your initial WLS testing?  They asked me a question that I didn't want to answer truthfully.  Why?  Because I was sure it would result in a hold on my surgery.   Somehow I just knew that it would come back to haunt me.  The question was " have you ever been abused, physically, emotionally or sexually?"....nope...not me.  Well, I lied.  My father sexually abuse me for three years when I was a young teenager.  He humiliated and bullied me and as a result I was a shy, lonely girl who lacked confidence in most anything.  I eventually told my mother (whom I loved until the day she died but perhaps always felt a little resentful that she stayed with him) and it stopped.  Bottom line....eating became my comfort.  Yep....we all have a story...... WLS seemed like the way to go for me.  However....the pain pills they give you were wonderful and I fell in love....slowly...but it was there.  Eventually I was stealing them from anyone I could.  I had a father-in-law who took them for back pain.  He always had "extra" what the heck, why not?  My marriage wasn't the greatest but those little pills made me deal with things a little better.  And I continued to steal.....I didn't buy them off the street...not me!  (Didn't have too...I stole them from anyone and everyone instead).    OK...fast forward 6 years through the continuous guilt and weight gain and hold on a now sick mother-in-law.  Breast CA.  My first thoughts?  Humm...she will need pain meds!  Yep...I did...stole from her also.  I try to downplay it and say that I only took hers a few times and certainly never when she REALLY was in pain.  Doesn't matter...I did it.   She died a month ago (I miss her) and the day after the funeral ....my father-in-law told my husband what I had been doing.  It seems they had a camera set up....I already knew there were fake pills in the draw I used to steal from.....I have a nephew in law enforcement....a sister-in-law who is a pharmacy tech.  I assume they were there to help.   So now....my niece and nephew (and of course their spouses) now...my brother and sister-in law and who knows else all know what I've done.   We are (were) a VERY close family and I realize I don't have the right to cry "foul" but I wish they had just come to me instead of everyone else.  They don't understand addiction and I guess I was just a low-life to them and they were afraid of me.  Unfortunately,my husband (who is sticking by me all the way!) hasn't be able to grieve for his mother they way I think he would have.  He visits his dad and they talk but....I wonder how much he's holding in.  We talk every day and he asks me how I'm doing....  I have had two sessions with a psychotherapist and I have hope that she will help me with both my addiction and my past abuse (yes, I through that out to my husband also....never told him)...poor man.  I didn't go through bad withdrawal as I didn't have access to many pills over the last few months.  I guess it was a double whammy for me...sexual abuse and WLS...both can certainly lead to addiction.   OH.....and here's the real kicker.....what do I do for a living?  I own my own business doing drug/ alcohol testing (yes...I get the irony).  I've worked as a counselor in a methadone clinic and I am VERY familiar with addiction and what it entails.  I have no excuse.   Years ago I was constantly humiliated by my father......I am now so humiliated again that I haven't been able to talk to any of my husband's family. I've said nothing to my own family.....they no nothing of my past or present abuse.  My counselor told me not to worry and focus on my recovery........but I'm kinda lonely without them.    So there is MY story and I truly hope no one else has anything worse because I feel this is probably the most selfish story there is out there.  Guilt has followed me around since I was a kid (the oldest) and always being told "you are the oldest you should have been taking care of" ...that, them...whatever.   OK....I'm tired now but will promise to come to this site and just listen if anyone needs a shoulder.    C/

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Apr 16, 2014
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