6/14/14

Jun 14, 2014

Another day without a drug.   Feelings of happiness coming back and I feel so...clear.   My sister sent me a quote one day and I cling to it when I'm feeling down. "You're human...it's ok to have a melt down once in a while....just don't unpack live there."   This got me through a lot the last few months.  I thank her for this.  For quite a while just waking up in the morning was hell.  I just wanted to stay there in mind numbing darkness.  Part of this was knowing that I would never have my precious drug again.....and part was overwhelming depression that comes from giving up the drug.....as well as being slammed back into reality and the reason I chose to take drugs in the first place.  I wasn't happy.  And that was crazy.  I have so much to be thankful for.  Jobs I like (yeah... have two jobs)....kids doing well....sweet grandson.....husband who loves me (ok...he could use a little work but can't they all?)....and not a lot of worries.   Today I find myself smiling for no reason.  Do I have remorse....well of course.  Am I ashamed....yup.  But there is nothing I can do about it except move on.  I have to....people need me.  I am the "go to" and "support" and "party planner" and "family mediator" and "Mimi who babysits" and ....ok  I think I see a pattern here.  Maybe I need to take time for me and say no once in a while.  Yes.....thank you I think I will.   So as I continue to find my happy moments again I will also back away from taking in all the quilt and extra tasks so many of us mom and wives do.   Just for a while......I usually love hubub.   Today I will clean house and work in my flower garden listening to my audiobook.   I won't worry about bills.....the work needing to be done at my office.....the pain I caused my in-laws......or father's day (I've always hated the shopping pretense for my own father).   Hope your weekend is a good one!

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Apr 16, 2014
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