cjonsite
6/14/14
Jun 14, 2014
Another day without a drug. Feelings of happiness coming back and I feel so...clear. My sister sent me a quote one day and I cling to it when I'm feeling down. "You're human...it's ok to have a melt down once in a while....just don't unpack live there." This got me through a lot the last few months. I thank her for this. For quite a while just waking up in the morning was hell. I just wanted to stay there in mind numbing darkness. Part of this was knowing that I would never have my precious drug again.....and part was overwhelming depression that comes from giving up the drug.....as well as being slammed back into reality and the reason I chose to take drugs in the first place. I wasn't happy. And that was crazy. I have so much to be thankful for. Jobs I like (yeah... have two jobs)....kids doing well....sweet grandson.....husband who loves me (ok...he could use a little work but can't they all?)....and not a lot of worries. Today I find myself smiling for no reason. Do I have remorse....well of course. Am I ashamed....yup. But there is nothing I can do about it except move on. I have to....people need me. I am the "go to" and "support" and "party planner" and "family mediator" and "Mimi who babysits" and ....ok I think I see a pattern here. Maybe I need to take time for me and say no once in a while. Yes.....thank you I think I will. So as I continue to find my happy moments again I will also back away from taking in all the quilt and extra tasks so many of us mom and wives do. Just for a while......I usually love hubub. Today I will clean house and work in my flower garden listening to my audiobook. I won't worry about bills.....the work needing to be done at my office.....the pain I caused my in-laws......or father's day (I've always hated the shopping pretense for my own father). Hope your weekend is a good one!