Just feeling a little...
Jun 10, 2012I dunno.
Life is settling down. The girls are about to set off on summer adventures. And I am scared to death.
Ordinarily I don't mind being alone (although I truly do hate it when my children go away for so long) but t his year I can already feel that this separation is going to be tough for me.
When someone major in your life dies, there is the weeping and gnashing of teeth that is requisite for the occasion but I'd like to posit that the REAL grieving doesn't quite begin then. It's sort of like getting a deep cut or injury. Your initial reaction is to the pain. You cry out for help and someone assists you, so that you don't perish. But in the days, weeks and months that follow you begin the process of recovery, which can be every bit as painful as that initial wound, just in a different way. And that's precisely what the quietness and emptyness of my house will elicit.
I suppose I should feel glad for that. I hear there is peace on the other side of that long, difficult road. The sooner I get on the road, the sooner I reach my destination, right? Except I am not yet fully convinced I WANT the peace of accepting that my mother is gone from me. Part of me doesn't believe I deserve that peace and the other part of me doesn't want to let go of any scrap of time and space where she actively exists. And yes I do know she still does exist. She was here. There is evidence. But you know what I mean. I have not, in my head, put her in the ground. I still use her phone number as my supermarket discount code. Her number is still programmed into my phone. Her bedroom remains in tact and for that matter I've not been to her house since the funeral. I've not let her go yet and I'm just not sure I am ready to.
Lately, particularly, I've been feeling what I'm sure someone must have deemed "motherless child syndrome." I would even go a step further and call it "SINGLE motherless child syndrome."
Do any of you watch Grey's Anatomy? Well if you did you know what I mean when I say my mother was my "person." She was who I belonged to. Who I came from. I don't know much of my other family well. I don't feel particularly connected to them. They don't feel particularly connected to me.
I am a member of many different kinds of family, plenty of which are not based on blood relations but there is something to be said for HAVING connections with blood relations. I have my brother and we'll build a new family consciousness. I have become the matriarch, a role that I don't accept yet but that everyone has bestowed on me. It's an honor, to be sure. I just don't know how to deal that or where to put the associated feelings.
So, that's a bit of why I am half dreading the summer. I can't fully dread it. It's always been my absolute favorite season. I'll try to post here throughout just to draw on your wisdom and experience and advice. Everyone has been so wonderful thus far.
Jan 21, 2008