clsino
Looking at the Fat Girl in the Mirror
Aug 04, 2010
Everyone tells me how tiny and small I am getting and all I can think is you don't see the number on the scale or see me naked to know how I really look or know what I really weigh. Sometimes I feel like a total fraud because I should be ecstatic about the weight loss and jumping up and down about how I look, but I just can't see it. I see the fat girl in the mirror, the one who could only shop at 1 store, and didn't care what she wore because it wasn't going to cover up the fact that she was getting close to 300 pounds.
There have been changes.....I do take more time with my appearance than I did prior to surgery and when I see pictures I can see the differences, but dammit I want to look in the mirror and love what I see. I don't know if I will ever get there. I think I have such a screwed up body image that it may not be possible to get there, but I will keep working on it and maybe one day I will look in the mirror and the fat girl won't be there anymore.
Are we there yet?
Dec 17, 2009
It has been 10 weeks since my surgery. I have lost 55 pounds. I had my 2 month follow up with the surgeons PA and my D levels are low, but not under the normal range. Thanks to everything I have read on the OH boards. 30 is not an acceptable D range so I ordered some dry vitamin D3 from vitalady and am going to get those levels up. I am thankful I have read so much good information about what RNY vitamin levels should be. I am off all meds except my zyrtec and lexapro. My BP was 110 over 70 without any medication. I am so thankful for that.
Some highlights over the past weeks
Cleaned out my closet and sent a ton of stuff to Goodwill
I can cross my legs comfortably
Walking up the stairs doesn't kill my knees anymore
I can wear heels again
I am now wearing a regular 18 in jeans (prior to surgery was wearing a 22W)
Knock on wood my insomnia and migraines have improved
I care about how I look. I am taking the time to do my hair and wear makeup (prior to surgery I could care less because I felt so crappy all the time)
Food no longer rules my life
My Struggles
Eating is a chore, but as long as I plan and eat on schedule I meet my protein goals
Strong smelling food still makes me nauseous, but that is slowly improving.
I feel like I eat the same foods, but sometimes it is scary for me to try new things, I worry about throwing up because that has happened a couple times. I stick with things I know will go down and not cause me problems.
Exercising- This is the eternal struggle. I envy those that love going to the gym. I fear I will never be one of those, but I am setting a goal that I get into a daily routine of exercise. I know I need to do this for my overall health.
When I look in the mirror I can't see the difference. In my head I know I am almost 60 pounds lighter but I don't see it. Someone suggested I take a picture and compare it to the ones prior to surgery. I will do that this weekend and update my photo. Maybe that will help.
My boyfriend and I have struggled with out relationship. I don't think either of us realized the impact this surgery would have on our relationship. We are both trying but it takes a lot of effort.
Overall I am happy with how things are going, but I feel my life is so centered around WLS. I work, I think and plan my food and when I am going to eat. I need a hobby that isn't related to WLS or health. Maybe I need to find a place to volunteer some of my time. I am still trying to figure all that out.
Overall I remain hopeful that things will continue to go well, but I do know that it is too early for me to say whether I am happy with my decision, or that I love my RNY. I think the real struggles will come when the weight stops coming off and I try to reach some magical goal weight, which right now I have no idea what that should be. So for now I keep an open mind and know that things are bound to change.
Christy
8 weeks out
Nov 22, 2009
I weighed myself today and I am at 230. I weighed 268 on surgery date and at my highest I weighed 278 so I am pleased with the weight loss. I really don't see the weight loss when I look in the mirror, but people are commenting that I look thinner. I kinda makes me uncomfortable because I don't like the attention, but I guess I need to learn how to take a compliment.
Things with my boyfriend are still pretty strained. I am not sure if things are going to work out between the 2 of us. I am changing and want different things and he doesn't want to change. That's fine, I recognize I can't change anyone else, and right now I am being selfish and focusing on me. I guess we will see how things work out.
The Holidays are right around the corner, and Thanksgiving doesn't even appeal to me because I can eat so little, who would have thought? I hope things continue to go well and I realize that my weight loss will slow down, but so far I am quite happy with my progress.
3 Weeks Post Op
Oct 28, 2009
So far I have had very few issues. I am able to hit my protein and water levels and have only had a few events of nausea.
I think my biggest issue thus far is my relationship with my boyfriend, He is morbidly obese too and when I started this journey was very supportive. He even commented that this would make him get on track and lose some weight. Well 3 weeks into this and he has done nothing to change his habits. I worry for his health. He hasn't been to a doctor in years and thinks that because he doesn't know anything is wrong with him he must be in fine health.
I can't even stand to have him eat in front of me because it makes me want to throw up. I don't want to be the food police but some of the crap he eats is just horrible. So it is really hard to be around that while I am trying to stay on track and regain my health.
I have thought am I mad because he is able to eat all this crap and I can't? I can honestly say that isn't the case. I don't want to put that crap into my body. I am sick and tired of my health issues that are caused by my obesity and I am going to stick to the program. But how can I get thru this journey and keep my relationship intact when I am having these feelings.
Then I feel badly because I am the one changing and I know I can't make him change. I just don't know if we are going to survive this.
So Far So Good?????
Oct 11, 2009
The hospital part was uneventful, other than a night of horrible sleep because they kept coming in my room to take my vital signs. I was so relieved to be released the next day so I could go home and sleep in my own bed. I only took pain meds once since I have been home. I haven't had any issues so far drinking plain water and my protein shakes. I am getting in 64 Oz's of fluid and 60 grams of protein.
I think my incisions are healing because they are starting to get itchy. I take that as a good sign. I am pretty fatigued, but that seems to be a common thing, and I figure due to the drastic reduction in calorie intake my energy levels would have to plummet.
So far I haven't had "buyers remorse". I think going into this whole journey I knew that I had to make these changes in order to live a healthily life and not continue to deal with an assortment of health problems due to my weight. Maybe this will come later down the road, but it seems to be a common theme for people right after surgery.
Like I said, I am hesitant to write down in words how this is going in case the cosmos decides to totally change my journey, but I wanted to have this written down so I could look back.
I am praying that things continue on this path.
The Journey
Oct 01, 2009
Man what a journey. I started this process in February and now on Tuesday the 6th of October I will be having my surgery. I feel like I am finally making it to the finish line, but really I am starting a whole new journey.
I am excited about this new journey. I feel like I have a lot more tools to fight my weight than I ever have. I will have the tool of my new pouch that will help me eat less and hopefully not feel hungry all the time. I have the tool of my mind. I have been working with the therapist on emotional issues and this has really helped me see the whole picture of my obesity and how it has affected my life. I have the knowledge about better nutrition that I have learned from my NUT and from reading so many different posts on OH. This will help me fuel my new small pouch with healthy choices that will be good for my body.
I don't expect it to be a total cakewalk after surgery, but I am going into this process knowing that if I don’t do something different my health will continue to go downhill and I will die at an early age. Armed with this knowledge I am at peace with my decision to let Dr. Hoehn and his team operate on me. I am entrusting him with my life and I am confident in his abilities.
I know there will be challenges ahead. That's life, whether you have had RNY or not. I am determined to push through the challenges, get my health back on track and start living my life. My obesity is on the verge of making me a prisoner to my own body and I am ready to break free! So no matter how hard it gets I am going to keep my eye on the prize, the prize of a healthier me.
First Consult with the Surgeon!
Aug 27, 2009
I still have to do all my pre-op tests, but they want those done a week prior to surgery. Guess I need to know my surgery date first before any of that can happen. My dad wants to go with me to my appointment and I am fine with that. He might come up with some questions I don't think to ask and it is always helpful to have a second set of ears.
Since I started seeing the therapist for pre-op sessions I have lost 10 pounds. I am making changes to my current diet prior to surgery so it isn't such a major change. I have found a protien mix I like and hoping I still like the tast after surgery. Doing my best to focus on protien first, carbs last. The therapist has been very encouraging and positive. He is very happy with my progress and thinks I will be quite successful after surgery.
Here's hoping that the appointment goes well and all my pre-op tests are OK.
Starting the Journey
Jun 08, 2009
Today I went in and took the psych test. Those were interesting. I found it difficult to answer the True and False questions because sometimes a lot of my feelings are so situational. I feel anxious in new places with new people but I am fine around people I know. it is hard to explain, but hopefully the results don't show I am "too" crazy.
I go in next week for my second visit with doctor to go over the test results. I think I want to continue seeing a therapist. I have thought about seeing someone for several years, but had never taken the steps. I am going to ask this doctor if he will continue seeing me or suggest another therapist.
I realize so that WLS will not fix my head issues and I think that this is something I need to address along with the pyhsical part. I want to be successful at this and am willing to do whatever I can to do so.
I have gained so much good information from the website and plan to use all of this in my journey. I took at look at the dailyplate.com and it looks like a really good tool to track my caloric intake. It seems pretty easy to use. I plan on starting to use it prior to my surgery because I want to modify the way I am eating prior to surgery.
I think this will help me get into the habit of eating 3 times a day because i know I need to do develop this habit especially after surgery.
Baby steps........
First Steps
Feb 22, 2009
I am signed up for a seminar at a local weight loss surgery center on March 10th. I can't wait for March 10th to arrive. I am a bit apprehensive how long the evaluation process will take. I am tired of being overweight and want to get on the road to a healthy life.
I hope to use this website as support and a tool to help me in this process. Thanks for reading.
