Looking at the Fat Girl in the Mirror

Aug 04, 2010

It amazes me how crazy the mind can be.  At 10 months out and 125 pounds lighter I know logically I am smaller than when I started this journey.  Hell I am wearing a size 6 and I was wearing a size 22 when I started this journey.  However, when I look in the mirror all I see is the fat girl standing there looking back at me. 

Everyone tells me how tiny and small I am getting and all I can think is you don't see the number on the scale or see me naked to know how I really look or know what I really weigh.  Sometimes I feel like a total fraud because I should be ecstatic about the weight loss and jumping up and down about how I look, but I just can't see it.  I see the fat girl in the mirror, the one who could only shop at 1 store, and didn't care what she wore because it wasn't going to cover up the fact that she was getting close to 300 pounds. 

There have been changes.....I do take more time with my appearance than I did prior to surgery and when I see pictures I can see the differences, but dammit I want to look in the mirror and love what I see.  I don't know if I will ever get there.  I think I have such a screwed up body image that it may not be possible to get there, but I will keep working on it and maybe one day I will look in the mirror and the fat girl won't be there anymore. 

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