Been a long time away

Sep 02, 2011

Wow! It sure has been  a long time since I have bee on here. It is amazing how one can get tied up with all that our lives throws at us, may it be good or bad. I have been praying and complaining that there needs to  be more hours in the day, I guess I am not saying it loud enough or going to the wrong person...lol
I knew when I signed up for this journey it would not be easy, and would take lots of hard work on my part to succeed on this trip.  Wow wee it being hard is an understatement for sure, it is way past hard, not sure I can even give it a word to discribe it to give it justice. For sure this has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, or ever will do, I have no doubt in my mind. I have learned lots during this journey, and have pulled a lot of my hair out too on this adventure. Going into this, I knew I had to do this, it was a matter of life and death. I wanted to live, to be there to watch my kids grow up, graduate, succeed in life, and maybe make me a grandma in there some where. When someone tells you that you have to make that choice of life or not, it is a choice no one should ever have to think and hesitate for the answer, life no matter how good or bad, is the correct answer. I knew that I did not want my parents to out live me, or have my children take care of me, or any family member for that matter. That is where my Dr stood behind me, guided me through the decission of what I needed to do, with a suttle push here and there. I of course trusted him, he has been my dr for over 20 years.  I did everything I was told to do, not to do, might be able to do, I was a good patient, being a nurse, of course was a very hard thing for me to do, I have been named the worlds most difficult patient here in town, so a turn around for my reputation. I had to, it was to work to save my life. The time came for the surgery, and the surgery was the easiest part of the whole thing. For most would think I am crazy, but, it has been the easiest part of the journey that started a few days and 2 years ago. As one should you put trust in your medical care providers to take the best care of you as they can, well, at least I did. Before going in for surgery I was a heafty 380. I had lost some weight before meeting with my dr that did the surgery, my highest was about 450ish, never had a scale that went that high or was accurate, which if I didnt know how much I weighed, then I didnt have to admit how much I weighed and just rolled with the flow of things. Going into this, like most having a long list of health problems and with a longer list of things that could happen if you dont loose the weight. And those two lists scared the fire out of me, but didnt let anyone know that was close to me that it did. But, I wanted to know if loosing the weight would help with some of the basic things to better my quality of life. Me having chronic back pain and rhumatoid arthritis, I wanted to know if my pain would improve and to what level. With the pain, high blood pressure was my monkey on my back, with diabetes always hiding in the shadow just looking for a chance to get with my monkey. They told me for sure my blood pressure would improve, and hopefully go back to a normal range and not have to take medications for that anymore eventually.  As far as my pain, the RA wont go away, but with lightening the amount of weight my body has to cary around on the daily basis would improve greatly. With my chronic pain, in my back and knees, it was from a combination of my weight and the career choice I made, nursing is not easy or kind to ones back.  I so looked forward to the improvement of the pain there for sure. My doctors tell me to set a goal of what I want to loose, gosh, I have never been on the lighter side or "thin" so I kept it realistic, at least in my mind, not to set me up to fail. I figured if I got to 250 that would be a doable goal to work with. much to my amazement, I got there and passed it, so set yet another one for 200, shoot I figured I get there I am doing good, I couldnt even recall ever weighing that. Then again to my amazement, I got to that and was going past it, so, talking to my dr, we set another goal, and this one being 175, my dr I trust said not to go past that, lordy lordy I dont ever recall ever being under 200 pounds. During the past year I go and see my trusty dr every month, and pose a very important question, why am I hurting so much more now than before I had the surgery? His idea maybe loosing the weight so fast my body is not happy with it , and is just not adjusting well to it, give it time. Strange as it may seem, I kept that in mind. As the months have gone by, my health has been getting worse instead of better like it should be. I am not having all the extra energy like I was hoping I would have, instead I am exhausted all the time, spend most of my time in bed, sleeping, and hurting so bad that I cant do anything. I have to rely on my son, and friends to help me out with some of the smallest things that I have to do on a daily, cause I am not able to do them. Each month, I ask him what is wrong with me? He finds new things, a new diagnosis, helps some, but I feel so bad all the time, no energy, not how I imagined how I would feel being only 3 pounds away from my goal weight. I can honestly say I was happier when I was heavier, casue I did not have all of the added problems that I have right now with my health.  Each month goes by, I loose more weight, spend more time in bed sleeping, having no energy, exhausted all the time, hurt more now than I have ever have in my life. But as the month goes by, no explanation to why my health is so poor, it is a strain on my sanity, am I crazy, or making it up being sick like so many people think that I am doing? When will someone figure it out what is making me so sick? Or will I go crazy or die before they figure it out? I never had feeling of maybe I made the wrong choice on this, For doing this should make one feel better, I have gotten the opposite.... I want it to go away, someone to please figure it out, so I can keep the little bit of sanity I have left, so I can enjoy the rest of my life. The hardest thing I have ever done.... has anyone had a simular responce to having made the same decision I have to improve my quality and quanity of life? Im almost to my goal, still loosing weight, cant help it, and not even really happy, hard to be happy when I live with so much pain and discomfort on a daily part of my life, 24/7. I would take anyone to talk to tell me about your hurdles through this...a good word of support...... I will be here more often now, I have to voice my story to others, its not alwasy the perfect ending each time.

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