The First Half of 2005
Jun 30, 2009
A minor victory: pants were getting a little baggy in the thighs and butt, so I stopped in at Wally World for another pair (clearance rack, too.) I'm down to a 16. I haven't fit into a 16 since I was in high school.
I started this process as a 32 - does that mean I'm now half the woman I used to be?
Random quote for the day coming up. And remember - I said that some of them are strange. Here is proof of that statement:
-- Jane Ace
A terrible weekend. No matter what I eat, or how much, I couldn't seem to feel full, either physically, emotionally or spiritually. Everything seems to be calling my name again, just as it did before I made the decision to have surgery. On top of that, I have gained a couple of pounds that I can't, in my current state of mind, write off as water weight gain, constipation or any other rationalization. THAT has me in an unbelievable funk.
It's weird how things change so much from day to day. TODAY, we went to the mall and I got a cheeseburger Happy Meal with apple slices and milk. Only managed to be able to hold about 1/2 of the burger and just had the milk a couple of minutes ago. (The apples will end up a snack for later.)
Yesterday, I think I could have had the same 2-burger/big fries/big soda meal that I had in my "old life" and still had room for an ice cream. Whether I actually COULD or not, I don't know, but I feel like I could have.
We're still going to the gym 3x/week and working out like mad, but the last 5 days or so have really gotten me down. As I've said before, I know that it's not all going to be sunshine and lollipops, but it sure has been a tough ride lately. I'm terrifed of falling back into the habits that got me here in the first place, and I know that no one can stop me but me. Sigh.
Random quote for the day:
being the only one
who knows you're scared to death."
Well, THIS is more like it! Started dropping pounds like crazy since Wednesday, so some of that gain WAS water. But I woke up this morning at 205.5 on my home scale. D'ya know what that means?
My BMI is now 29.4, which means I'm no longer obese of any sort: not super, not morbidly, not severely. Just "moderately overweight". It ALSO means that I'm ten pounds from my goal. And yes, the blues of a couple of days ago are gone.
but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day...
ah, now that's a real treat."
Oh, lord, will it ever be WARM again? There are so many days this winter that I have honestly missed the layers of fat that kept me oh-so toasty throughout the winter. But I'll take the shivering over feeling like crap all the time.
Woke up this morning, did my usual weigh-in and found that I am balancing on the edge of being under 200 pounds: I was 200.5. Man oh man, that point-five is a killer! The last big milestone was being "just overweight". Once I get under 200, my last goal is my final goal: 195. Only five and a half pounds to go. Anything after that is, pardon the food analogy, just gravy.
and not everything that counts can be counted."
As they say in the soccer world...
I woke up this morning at 194. More later.
Okay...it's later. My goals were always little ones: I wanted to lose 10 pounds, since I knew I could lose ten pounds. Then, I wanted to lost 50 . . . then I wanted to lose one hundred . . . my surgeon and my therapist said I needed to pick a "final goal". I decided that I wanted to get to the last weight I could really remember being: I remember that I was 195 when I took the physical I needed to enter college.
I honestly didn't think I could do it. I had no real expectations about this surgery: whatever I lost would be fine with me. Somehow, I turned around, and here I am. I had hoped to make it to 195 within 18 months of my surgery, if I did it at all. And now I can't believe, not only that I did it, but that I did it fours months ahead of anything I could have dreamed.
Tonight's quote is not at all random. I have been saving this one for today. From Confucius:
consists not in never falling,
but in rising
every time we fall."
Still losing. Down to 191, and that's not a complaint. I just don't know what happens now. Do I keep losing, until I disappear completely? Dunno. Guess I'll have to ask Doc E. what my next move is.
Actually discovered that I'm on the brink of having a good time at the gym. I think I may have discovered what an endorphin rush feels like. Riding the incumbent bike and listening to music that prompts me to pedal really fast and get my heart rate up to about 150-160, I got a feeling that I could only describe as a rush. It was sort of like an almost-orgasm crossed with a really mellow high (not that I would know what that feels like). I liked it. Happened twice on Wednesday. I want more.
Today's quote is, again, not random. I discovered this one yesterday, and I really liked it. If you're interested in looking for meaningful quotes, try this website: ThinkExist.com.
We are just passing through.
Our purpose here is to observe,
to learn, to grow, to love...
and then we return home."
--Australian Aboriginal Proverb
This morning I weighed 188. Which means I've LOST 188, so I am officially half the woman I used to be. Even my BMI is half what it used to be.
I don't know what I have as a weight goal anymore, besides keeping the number from going UP! I've passed the goal that I set for myself, which was 195.
and that is laughter."
--- Mark Twain
Not many postings lately, since there's not a lot going on and I don't have a lot to talk about. Holding steady at 183-184 for a week or so. That means I only have 7 pounds to go to be "normal".
Random quote for the day:
looking ridiculous that you realize
just how much you love them."
I'm feeling a bit George Jetson-esque, running on the treadmill with Astro, yelling, "Jane, stop this crazy thing!!!"
I'm down to 181 . . . a loss of 195 pounds. Yes, still astounding even to me. Where does it end? When does it stop? I still haven't gotten an answer to that question, and now it's a) concerning me and b) irking me. I don't want to disappear in a pile of bones, but I don't want to have to start snacking on spoonfuls ("spoonsful"?) of Crisco to ingest more calories, either. I don't honestly think it's physically possible for me to get more food into me without either eating all day or throwing it back up. I have a meeting at the doctor's office tomorrow night, and we'll see what he says.
Had a great time in Manhattan. Nice weather, sunny day. Cheap shopping: baseball hats for $5, new sunglasses for $5. And the best part, besides the fact that I got to spend a beautiful day with my husband, is that walking around the city didn't kill me. Didn't even come close. I didn't feel like I was lumbering around the City that Never Sleeps like a Clydesdale. There was some spring, and some speed, in my step. My knees...my ankles...no pain. And I noticed, while on the train, that when I walked down the aisle, my ass didn't bump into anything. Yay!
We went to a brewpub for lunch so Paul could try out a beer sampler. He loved it. None for me, though: hate beer. Don't even like the smell of it. I gave the French Onion soup a try, but it ended up coming back up. I think that the melted cheese topping was just too thick. And it was certainly possible that I ate it a little too fast.
But my day did not end with "no soup for you!" I did, in fact, have some fabu soup at a place called "Dishes" at Grand Central: African Peanut Chicken Soup. [Note to self: FIND THAT RECIPE!!]It was 5 bucks for a little bitty bowl, but it was soooo good, and came with a nugget of wonderful sourdough bread. The perfect snack for the train ride home.
I've been having a terrible time the past week, gaining weight again (EIGHT POUNDS!) and have real problems with...um...let's just say problems with fiber. I was bloated, felt really heavy, and I was cranky as hell. Things were not moving along at all and I started drinking more fluids and munching on Fiber Choice tablets like they were cookies. Finally cleared things out, and I've dropped five pounds in 2 days.
trying to please every meddlesome moron who's got an idea
how I ought to be!"
--- Bill Watterson, "Calvin and Hobbes"
Yet another plateau, up and down the same 3 or 4 pounds for about 2 weeks. Every time I hit a plateau now, I realize that there's a strong possibility that it will be my final one, and there I will stay. That's fine, as long as get to KNOW that it's my "final resting place" in regard to my weight.
And having to deal with the dark side of WLS: constipation. That just makes me even crankier, since I feel so heavy and bloated. I can only eat so many Fiber Choice tablets before I get full - and sick to death of them.
Good lord! ONE MORE POUND off me and I will officially be "normal", in regard to my BMI anwyay. I don't think I've been a "normal" weight since I hit puberty which, by the way, was when everything started going horribly wrong. I was a nice, thin, active kid until then.
Anyway, even I am stunned. Where did it all that weight go, and so FAST?
And what's more scary is the thought that if I were to have plastic surgery, they could probably lop off another ten!
to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations.
They presented him with, 'This, too, shall pass away.'
How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!"
~~~~~ Abraham Lincoln
Time for a little catch-up, I guess, including a few new pictures. New one at the bottom, but here's one of me in the infamous pre-op "fat pants". Yes, I CAN finally fit into one leg of them!
And me, fresh from the gym . . .
I had a "jumping-up-and-down-and-squealing" moment on Wednesday when I went looking for something new to wear. When I was standing in the dressing room, realizing that I was standing there in a SIZE EIGHT, I actually jumped up and down and squealed (but not loudly, thank God.)
Now, I think I came out of the WOMB wearing double-digit size, so this was really quite momentous for me. From a size 32 to a size 8 in 18 months!
but often we look so long at the closed door
that we do not see the one which has opened for us."
I was GOING to say that not much was new, that the only thing that was sort of exciting is that I can ALMOST squat my body weight at the gym (ALMOST: I can do 160 lb.) . . . but then I realized that I hadn't updated in about 10 days.
Last week, I reached what I had considered my ultimate, unattainable goal: I reached a "normal" BMI. No longer "super obese", not "morbidly", not even "moderately overweight". Just, plain normal. I weighed myself in the morning, saw the numbers of pounds, and had to wait until I checked a BMI calculator to see if it WAS what I thought. And I'm not ashamed to admit that, if it wouldn't have ruined my mascara for the day, I would have bawled like a baby.
If you had told me going into this that I would EVER have reached normal weight (granted, the HIGH end of normal), I'd have checked your blood alcohol level.
If you had told me going into this that I would, 18 months out, have reached normal weight (granted, the HIGH end of normal), I'd have called you "loco" and, quite possibly, "delusional."
On top of that, Connecticare sponsored a wellness "thing" (I can't really call it a "seminar") at work last week where they measured my body fat. Not with calipers, but with an infrared light that's supposed to be second only to the "dunk tank" test for accuracy. Mine BF is down to 24.7%, which is also within the normal range.
The strange (or, perhaps, not so strange) part of it is that I still don't consider myself thin. When someone says I'm "skinny", I always correct them with "SkinniER." "ThinnER." I don't see myself as fat in the way that a bulimic or anorexic does, but I still see myself and think of myself as a fat person. When I cross the street a fraction of a second too slowly and someone beeps, I expect to hear a weight-related comment following it. I don't hear those comments anymore, and it still takes me by surprise.
A couple of weeks ago, I was walking out of a store and saw my shadow. (No, that doesn't mean 6 more weeks of winter.) But my mind couldn't grasp the idea that that thinner shadow belonged to me! I kept watching it as I walked, and almost walked right into my car.
When I look at photos of myself, especially when I'm wearing my hair up, I can see how thin my face and neck have gotten, but somehow, it still doesn't all register in my head that I've changed. When I'm sitting down and looking at my thighs, all the loose skin puddles to the sides, so they still look pretty large. However, when I flex that quadricep muscle and it pops up like a rock,
(shrugs) I guess it's just that my brain is taking longer to adapt to the changes than my body is. I guess that my acceptance of "normality" is going to take me a while.
They sparkle and shine when the sun is out,
but when the darkness sets in,
their true beauty is revealed
only if there is a light from within."
~~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
I just want to give a big "thank you" to the preop patients I spoke with at the support group meeting last night in Westport.
As you could possibly tell from the posting above, I had a truly "craptastic" day yesterday and, to be honest, I really didn't have the energy to go to the meeting, but I went because I had promised I would.
I always enjoy speaking to people about my WLS experience, with the hopes that my experiences can help someone else who is just starting the process and I never regret going to a seminar or support group. It's just that some days, I'm tired and drained, physically, spiritually and emotionally.
But there were a couple of you (and I won't mention any names, in case you're shy) who took the time after the meeting to speak with me, ask me more in-depth questions, and to mention that you enjoy what I write here. I really didn't start keeping this profile for other people; I use it as a form of therapy on both good days and bad (obviously.) The fact that anyone bothers to read it is whipped cream on the sundae.
But to be told that some of you not just get a laugh out of it, but read it on a regular basis and look forward to new postings means more than I can say. THAT'S the cherry on the sundae.
I'm glad my words can be here to entertain, amuse and inspire, and I mean that sincerely. I'll try not to let you down.
unless the act would work great injury to yourself,
and never refuse to take a drink - under any circumstances."
~~~ Mark Twain
A lot of people have asked me, both in person and online, about skin sag.
How bad is it? (That depends on your definition of "bad.")
What can I expect? (That depends on your age, how much you lose, genetics . . . on a lot of things.)
Can I beat it? (Honestly? I really doubt it.)
As they say in the car ads, "Your results may vary," but here are mine, in all their puckered glory. Sorry, no nudes. (laughs) And maybe this will prove that I HAVEN'T had any plastic surgery done.
All in all, considering how much weight I lost and how fast I lost it, I don't think it's too bad.