I don't know why this is happening, but there's a reason...

Feb 19, 2010

There are no words to say how I feel at this moment.  I've just returned from UCLA Medical Center where I met with a thoracic surgeon to discuss my esophogeal dismotility.  The bottom line turns out to be that the surgical "cure" for this is not something that can be done as there is no fundus left to the stomach to wrap around the esophagus.  She guaranteed me that it would not get better until I lose the weight. Mmmmm  Seems like it was just about 1 year ago when I undertook this journey to lose the weight so that these issues would be only a memory.  Here we are a year later and not where we anticipated being at all.  She is recommending a revision to RNY.  I had reasons for not wanting that particular surgery and still have huge reservations about it.  I'm pretty bummed.  I've tried to hang in throughout this extended time with the hope that someone would figure out a way to make the VSG work.  I guess that's not going to happen.  I thought at 2 months the surgery wasn't working, but no one wanted to talk about it.  I had to wait a year while the insurance company issued this or that referral, then wait for appointments, then wait for tests, then wait for more referrals, more tests, and on and on.  I feel I'm starting over, and I'm certainly not looking forward to another surgery, and that is conditional on it even being approved.  Now the what if's....what if it doesn't work and I'm still sick.  What if I'm as miserable for months and months as I've been with the VSG?  What if my surgeon and I don't get along and here we go down a road to more surgery?  What if I die?  What if .... what if.....
I know there's a reason for everything that happens, but I'm so perplexed as to what it might be.  I'm so weary of all of it.  Days marked by illness and I just don't see the light yet.
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Still workin' it, the old temple looks better

Jan 13, 2010

Hanging out in cloudy Manhattan Beach this morning thinking about the last 6 months.  Yes, six months.  I haven't posted on the board in a long time.  I've been kinda hunkered down and in "survival" mode. 

Great holidays at our house, and gathering of family from out-of-state.  Not a single comment about how much smaller I am.  I was disappointed about that.  Yes, I'm still really big, but not really, really, really big anymore.  I'm down 75 pounds more or less at that point, and I felt good about the changes.  Maybe they were afraid to say anything because overall I'm not satisfied with my weight loss.  Again, all but 20 pounds was lost BEFORE surgery.  Therefore, I've been unhappy with the weight loss following surgery.

I asked for a consultation with another bariatric professional, and was referred to Dr. Dutson at UCLA.  Yesterday I finished the testing he ordered.  On Monday, it was gastric emptying, where you eat a sandwich laced with a reactive material and lie in a scanner while it watches your stomach process the "meal."  Every 15 minutes it takes a picture for 1-1/2 hours.  Well, following that test the radiologist came in and said you sent the undigested food to the intestine in the first 15 min.  My goodness "dumping" came to live with me.  I thought we didn't dump if we had VSG.  Guess there's always an exception to the rules.  Yesterday, I had a gastographin swallow.  I thought, oh, okay, done that before and its a piece of cake.  NOT.  Made me sooooo sick.  They had me drink, rapidly, 3 6-oz. glasses of the stuff while I stood up and layed down and turned over and, and, and,.....  Had to stop the test because at one point the stuff started back up the esophagus.  So they tilted the table where the stuff would quickly move to the intestine.  Following that test the radiologist told me I have a hiatal hernia that's shooting the stuff way up the esophagus.  He explained that "everyone" has reflux.  But, in this case it was severe and not provoked.  So, two pieces of information gained...dumping and hernia.  I will meet with Dr. Dutson to discuss the test results as soon as I can get an appointment.  The resolution to the problems....who knows???  Maybe more surgery, but okay if we get on the right track.

I have lost 10 pounds in the last 8 days.  It seems all these tests make me sick.  I've pretty much been unable to keep anything where it belongs.  I love looking at the scale, but know its mostly dehydration.  So many unanswered questions, but we're closing in on it.
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Thankful --- So Thankful for Improvement

Nov 26, 2009

Today I am fixing Thanksgiving dinner.  Oh the house smells wonderful.  The homemade dinner rolls are out of the oven and the turkey is ready to go in.  The pies and trimmings were made yesterday and they are waiting in the fridge for the right time to come out again.  People are coming to share the meal, folks who don't have families and means to prepare a meal.  It makes it especially joyful under the circumstances.

The new meds have made such a HUGE difference in my overall feeling of health and wellness.  I am taking Carafate for the reflux and now sleep through the night without waking up with the acid in my throat.  I'm also using Byetta twice a day an hour before meals.  It is an injectible that regulates insulin.  It seems to be making a big difference, but we're early out on this one.  I do notice my appetite is less and that's good, the nausea that sometimes comes with it is non-exsistant.  YAY....whatever is happening its just good, good, good.

Energy level is through the roof, weight is coming off again.  I haven't weighed, but know my body and know the signs of loss.  I'm trying to put off making the scale my master again.  Once a week is fine.  Hope I can do that.  I'm tracking calories and protiens and getting in the fluids.  Wow...I was waiting for this day and it finally came.  How appropriate on Thanksgiving.  My heart is truly thankful.

What ahead???  I don't know.  Only the Temple Builder knows.  But its gonna be good whatever it is.  Happy Thanksgiving my dear friends.  Enjoy your blessings and your day.  Have some turkey, albeit pureed in some cases, but enjoy the bounty of this harvest of blessings.
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Love My OH Family

Nov 15, 2009

This week has been a test of strength and character, one I felt very inadequate to cope with.  What changed that?  The encouragement of the OH'ers who came to support this rather challenging journey.  Rather than hide out, embarrassed and disappointed, with the encouragement of others in this community, I dare to stick my head out.  I don't think anyone will chop it off, lol.

I met with my surgeon this past week.  Here we are at 4 months and absolutely zero weight loss.  She appeared to be frustrated with me and asked if I were a "self-fulfilling prophecy" determined not to succeed.  That woke me up.  What????  I know I've been very discouraged and ready to throw in the towel, but I don't think I'd sabatoge the work thus far.  Perhaps I don't see it clearly anymore, but I am still in the game.  I've kept every appointment and waited for someone in the medical community to tell me what's wrong.  The bottom line....they don't know for sure.  I may be waiting a long, long time.  Some where in that conversation I suggested a second opinion before we proceed with another surgery.  (Those options are the pylorplasty and revision to RNY).  I asked if I would be as ill as I've been following the VSG....???  Mmmmm don't know, maybe not. 

I started thinking who in their right mind would not be discouraged and depressed?  You have such expectations going into this.  You live on OH and love to look at the before and after's.  You imagine how your life is going to change.  You have dreams for your future.  You watch the "honeymooners" lose weight pretty rapidly in most cases and think, "wow, that could be me."  When, after all the testing and waiting, that doesn't happen....and you don't know if it will ever happen......well, again, who wouldn't feel kinda hopeless.  No doc, I think my emotional state is pretty much to be expected after all this time and no results and the prospect of more surgery ahead.

It will be months before I get into UCLA for a second opinion.  Months when nothing happens.  I have, in the past month, not be consistent in taking care of myself.  Yeah, I still eat proteins, drink water, exercise, etc., but not with my heart, just as a matter of need.   I dread the coming months.  I have "recommitted" to doing my part.  I will be cognizant of what I eat, log what I eat, get more water and protein in, and exercise.  I made the promise to do my part, and I keep my promises.

In the meantime, I'm embarrassed and uncomfortable in my community, and in my personal life.  Living with it everyday feels much like living with all the diet failures of the past.  Without the dear people here who will understand "venting" I would feel very alone and isolated.

I know without a doubt that there is a plan for this old girl.  That has never been a question.  Can I live with the plan???  That might be a question.  Sure I can.  It's been quite a ride so far.
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It's a Mystery --- Oh Well, Perfect Halloween!

Oct 10, 2009

  It's October and mystery is in the air, but not just for little goblins.  The mystery continues in regard to my lack of progress.  From the beginning, this journey has been unexpected.  I dreamed of finally being thin, almost instantly I fear, and of wearing cute clothing and of participating in activities.  My dream has, in part, been realized to some degree, but mostly its still a dream, and I'm hanging onto it. 

I saw my surgeon on Friday.  Here we are celebrating month 3 post-op.  But the celebration is contained within the bigger issue of why have I not shed the pounds.  Tests upon tests find no reason for this to be the case.  Food diaries, nutrition consultations, personal trainer appointments, visits to the gym and prodigious walking have yielded no appreciable results.  23 pounds since surgery on July 2.  That reflects a 5 pound gain this past two weeks when we upped calories to 1,000.  I never really made 1,000 but once or twice, but increased to 700=900 most days.  I am so much better than I was!!!  Way better.  This is a long way from 300 calories or less a day and being sick day and night. 

More tests coming my way.  One theory recently is that the pyloric valve at the bottom of the stomach between the pouch and intestines is not opening properly and allowing food to "back-up."  This would explain the bouts of nausea to some degree, and the reason it has continued so long.  I will be have a manometry to measure the pressure in the esophogus Nov. 3.  Until then its just hanging out and hoping that the next test will be the definitive answer.  Additionally, I have an appointment with an endocrinologist to reveiw the history and see if there are any reasons hormonally that compromise the weight loss effort. 

If indeed we have a pyloric valve problem, then the answer is to repair it with surgery.  I guess this will render my digestion to be much like those who have had RNY.  There will not be the restriction between the stomach and intestines as there is now.  It may be that dumping would be possible with this surgery.  I am up for whatever comes, as long as weight loss comes with it.  Significant weight loss that coincides with the dedicated effort I make at keeping the diet.

I don't know how I'll ever thank my doctor.  She's has taken sooooo much time with me, and been always in my corner.  I have received calls at home just to make sure things are going okay, and see her every two weeks or so for the same reason.  She won't give up.  She's amazing!!!  I am so grateful that she is who she is!!






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The Temple Builder Remodels

Sep 26, 2009

  It would seem the Builder has made some changes to this temple, and I haven't caught up with the design plan as yet.  My head hasn't wrapped around the changes, but I'm trying.  I guess "His thoughts are higher than my thoughts." 

I saw my surgeon yesterday, and she was so concerned and anxious to make this building project go smoothly.  But, thus far still too many unanswered questions for her comfort, or mine.  I still continue with bouts of nausea and feeling just sick all over.  Lots, and lots of reflux....taking many Tums and Mylanta between doses of prescribed Previcid. My heart beats very fast and becomes irregular when I'm feeling 'way sick'.  I am not vomiting at all and therefore put away all those meds.  She recommended I return to my meds for nausea, including the patch until such time as the inability to tolerate food improves more than where I am now.  I was thrilled I could eat some protein and drink the protein drink and thought I was making progress.      She agrees that I've made tremendous progress, but I have not "arrived."  The lack of weight loss is perplexing to her, as well as to me.  The tests all come back with no abnormalities which suggests the problem is not with the surgery, but perhaps the surgery has aggravated an existing problem.  She also reinforces the idea that I eat so few calories that my metabolism has slowed to a crawl.  So here we go off to have the mommetry...a really brutal thing that I'm not looking forward to,  but I'll do if it is necessary.  An appointment with an endocrinologist has been scheduled.  It may be that my history of hypoglycemia is interfering with my progress.  And, finally, after all the tests results are in, and if there are no recommendations as a result, we will go to surgery to repair the exisiting hiatal hernia.  The hernia is very small and it has been thought that it could not interfer.  But, by the rule of omission through the testing process, it may the only thing that explains the symptoms.  I keep dreaming somone will say "bingo!!!"  "I know just how to fix it" and whalaaaa its done. 

And so the journey continues.  There are ups and downs.  Some of the ups.....a size 18/20 instead of 26/28.  A total of 82 pounds gone, 55 of them pre-op.  I can cross my legs --- whoooo hooooo, small but fun victory.  I can fly in an airplane and not use a seat belt extender.  I can walk 1-1/2 miles easily, up and down hill.  I love to shop...oh, dear....not sure that's an up?  My friends have kept me hooked up with the things I need to do, and offered patient and endless support.  Talk about ups!!!  The downs...still struggling with establishing a regular bariatric diet, and having seemingly endless tests, not losing weight similar to others in my community, struggling with depression over the whole thing. 

But, the biggest "up".....my Builder does not give up on this remodel and will continue to shape and mold it to His image.  Whoooo hooooo talk about victory.

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2 Months And Counting

Sep 01, 2009

 Tomorrow is the 2 month surgiversary that joined me and my sleeve forever and ever amen. LOL  I saw my surgeon today and things are looking promising.  I have lost a total of 27 pounds since surgery, not setting the world on fire, but progress none-the-less.  I have so much less nausea and have begun to try new foods.  I still depend on protein in liquid form to meet my daily requirements.  But, I think we're getting somewhere and that it won't be too long and I'll be eating "real" food again.  I am sticking to straight proteins, no cereal, rice, pasta, bread, etc.  I told her that my snacks consisted of peanuts.  She told me she has peanuts for snacks regularly too.  We discussed the best brand of peanuts.  It was so awesome to talk about something that didn't have a medical drama attached to it. 

There is still some funky testing ahead but I'm so relieved to know this journey is going to finally get off the starting block and go somewhere.  The temple Builder has the blueprints, and he's showing me a little at a time.  I'd sure like a look at the big picture, but that's not how it works.  I have sufficient for now.  Just knowing we're headed in a good direction.
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Six weeks grateful post

Aug 13, 2009

I have not posted for a while.  I was afraid I did not have anything positive to say and wanted to avoid a litany of complaints and problems.  Now at 6 weeks I can look back over the course of things with a little better perspective.  This morning I was teaching the 23rd Psalm (and yes I've been on this for quite a while).  One of the things that caught my attention was the fact that you can take everything from me, including my health,  I still have a Shepherd.  Nothing can change that.  Learning to be grateful for every gift is an art that I need to further develop.  One of the examples Max Lucado used was the fellow who had lost everything, and when getting ready to eat his bread and water, he prayed, "and I have this and a Shepherd too!"  He was grateful.  And so this morning, I prayed over my Premier Protein shake, "and I have this and a Shepherd too."  It made a huge difference.  The protein has been difficult for me, and without an attitude of gratefulness would have continued to be a thorn.

Looking back at the first weeks following surgery I see how unprepared I was for feeling ill all the time and not able to conform to my "dream" of how it was going to be.  I didn't lose the big pounds I see posted and was disappointed, not grateful, for the 14 pounds I did lose.  I'm still on full liquids at 6 weeks out, with just a few purees added in.  I was complaining yesterday how tired I am of such limited fare.  Again, not grateful. 

I have a lot to do going forward, another surgery in a couple of weeks.  A lot of testing before hand with my cardiologist due to some heart issues with the first surgery.  I also have to have some crazy test with the gastroenterologist that invovles putting a tube down your nose and then swallowing liquids.  Sounds horrific,  but I'm going to try to be grateful that I have these tests and treatments available to me.  An attitude of being grateful will certainly filter how I think about all these things.

So I thank you Lord for the surgery that will repair my hernia and make getting adequate nutrition easier.  And, I thank you for the tests and concerned physicians who are treating me.  I thank you I can access medical care when so many cannot.   I thank you that the nausea is so much less and my feeling of well being is so much more.  I thank you for the small victories like enough energy to walk with DH and dogs or go to the gym.  I thank you that daily you are my Shepherd and concerned with even the hair on my head.  (I may have trouble thanking You if it all falls out --- LOL).

I thank you Lord for my OH family who has supported, encouraged and responded to my difficult journey.  You know how close we are as a community,  I ask you bless them richly and that You walk on each journey with them.
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See the Light!!! It's not the train coming the other way!!!

Jul 15, 2009

  We have not arrived, but we're on our way for sure.  Checked into the surgeon's office to day for the first post-op visit.  I arrived with a lotta questions, but the number one......will I ever feel better?  Everything makes me kinda sick.

Met with Anita the NP, and she went over all the issues with nausea since the day of surgery.  I guess there are others for whom it lasted up to 3 months.  So two weeks, what's that?  Well, a lot, if you are the one who's sick all the time.  She gave me Zofram, which I had in the hospital and its works.  YAY!!!!  Additionally they bumped up the previcid too, and between all that I am feeling the best I have since surgery.  Now I see the light at the end of the tunnel, and now it doesn't seem like a train coming the other way. 

Jumped on the scale and I have lost 11 pounds since surgery.  That's almost a pound a day.  Wow.

Dinner tonight was a partial serving of pintos and cheese from Taco Bell.  It was heaven.  Delicious stuff after all the sweet drinks.  I'm really inspired to try all the harder to make this work out.

DH and I walked one mile today along the beach.  Liesurely walk but so lovely to be out and walking again.  I got the okey dokey to begin using my treadmill as well.  Slow speed for short intervals, but that's okay too.

Its going to be okay.  Couldn't feel confident saying that at first, but getting there, and developing that excitement about what tommorrow will bring. 

All glory to the Builder!!

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THE REMODEL OF THE TEMPLE CONTINUES

Jul 11, 2009

The Builder took about 85% of that old stomach out on July 2, nine days ago.  I decided not to post right away, but give some time for reflection.  I went to surgery so excited, and calm, very, very calm.  My first moments of being awake in the recovery room were pretty tough.  I awoke soooo sick to my stomach.   Wait a minute, can I still say sick to my stomach?     It was so unexpected and I was really taken back by the intensity of it all.  Eventually I went to my room on the bariatric floor where a wonderful, really wonderful, group of nurses tried very hard to get me through the first few days.   I experienced a low heart rate, very low blood pressure too, and so they scurried in and out with EKG's, labs, respiratory therapy etc.  The Builder was busy reshaping the new temple.  I was pretty discouraged, but believed it would get better, and it has.  I was in a couple more days than expected and so I'm home not even a week as I write.  I'm up and about, walking, doing small things in the house. 

    I have almost non-existant nausea today .  I did learn that my meds create almost instant nausea.  So, I devised a trick for taking the crushed meds, and that is use one of those little non-dairy creamers to put the powders in.  They are hardly there, and my body does accept it.   It has been one of my better ideas.

Each day does get a little easier.  But to quote one of my friends, she said, "this is hard."  Not hard in terms of discomfort or pain, but just intense learning all these new things.  Said very succinctly "this is harder" than I imagined it would be.  I am very sensitive to smell now, smells apparently no one but me smells, lol.  I am easily tired, but one expects that after major surgery.   I would imagine some of the younger OH'ers might be more adept at all these changes.   

Will I be able to say "I love my sleeve?"  I think that is coming.  I don't dislike it now.  I just want to be kind to it and take care of the gift I've been given.
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