Charity W.
At my highest I was 346. After surgery I got down to 232. Currently I am 282 and not budging. Least it is not going up.
I have always been FAT. Not overweight but FAT. For the most part I was always healthy. When I was 37 I fell and hurt my back. It hurts like crazy most of the time. I am sure that the weight doesn't help that. When I was 39 I did wind up with high cholesterol but that was pretty much the extent of obesity related illnesses.
Well, besides the mental impacts and boy are they a doozy. I was diagnosed with depression in 1997. I took some meds here and there (there is a whole different story behind that I will skip) but for the most part I maintained it well. In 2009 things started going down hill and fast.
The depression kicked in with full force, had multiple anxiety attacks and found out I was bi-polar. Time to medicate. Sometimes I wonder if the pills do more damage than the disease does. I was a zombie and gained 100 lbs in a year.
In October 2010 I was finally allowed to have the surgery (that was a mental battle). It went great, at first. The first 9 months the weight was coming off like melting butter but then the mental issues just got to me. I stopped losing and craved sweets so bad. Some days that was all I ate. At first I didn't dump but then I started too. Dumping did not stop me from eating them. I started drinking the sodas again. I basically started doing everything that I was supposed to.
It got to the point that I would be full and still go look for something to eat. The thought of my pouch coming apart did not stop me. My mortality was in question at this time. I didn't care.
I knew what I was doing was wrong but I couldn't stop it. Most people can't understand that but as I was eating or drinking my mind was telling me I shouldn't but I honestly could not stop myself or I would "wake up" to find myself eating. I didn't even realize that I had gotten anything until it was almost gone. Part of me just didn't care. That led me to gain back half of what I lost.
Around this time I found out on top of the depression and bipolar that I also had Adult ADHD. I was medically intoxicated by all the meds so I didn't care what I was doing. I didn't want to know about anything or care about anything.
Not diagnosed with it but I also have social phobia. I do not like being around people. It sends my anxiety threw the roof. I don't know how or why this has happened. I used to be a social butterfly but now I stay at home. I don't want to go anywhere and if I know I have too I get so anxious that I make myself sick or get very angry. Of course, this makes me want to eat. The emotional eater that I am just goes nuts.
I still have all this and still battle it daily but I am a little more mentally stable now. Maybe it is because I am no longer on the zombie meds. Lost my insurance after all this mess but I will skip all that. After 2 years of being "bad" it is really hard to get back on track. I am back to 282 and I feel like I am starting over. Mentally and physically. The stupid thing is I just don't know where to start. That doesn't make sense I know, but I don't.
I still battle the eating but it has gotten a little better. There is so much going on in my mind that I get so overwhelmed with anything that I don't commit to nothing. I don't think all this is because of the surgery. I started on the mental journey before it but being I was unable to follow up with my doc or a psych it sure hasn't helped any.
All I can say is I have not given up but yet I am stuck at that fork in the road. Guess there is still hope for me but it is just one day at a time.
About Me
Before & After
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