dboopdiva
I am tired of hiding.
I have been hiding under this fat for so many years I can hardly remember my life before. I want to be free. I want to move with less/no pain. I don't want to be the fat girl who sits in the corner while everyone dances. I wasn't this person before I gained weight.
I have struggled with my weight for many years. As a teenager I was "stacked" and I knew it. I used to play ball with the boys but after the summer I turned 12, that was all over. I went back to school after that summer break in a c-cup bra and fuller hips. It took me a couple years to get comfortable with my new body but once I was, heaven help the boys. I was subtle but flaunted it. I always walked head high, chest out and a sway in my hips. My mom hated the clothes I wore. I would cut off my jeans just below my butt and prance around. I always attracted older guys. At a size 10 the boys in school considered me heavy. That is when they were with their friends. But in private they all wanted to touch. I am so glad I didn't fall for those tricks. I saw too many girls who did and they always felt worst about themselves after.
High school years were not great. I was a smart girl who was considered heavy. I dated some, a couple football players who liked thicker girls and suffered no conflict that I was smart and well spoken. But dates were few and far between. I had school and friends so I tried not to worry so much about. Life moved on.
The summer I turned 16, my younger sister and I went to New York with our older sister. Being my cute self, I pranced around in my tight clothes and cut off shorts. It attracted much attention. It felt good to have guys pay attention to me even when their friends were around and even ask me out. I accepted an invitation from the wrong man one day. But I didn't know that at the time. I was glad to have someone to talk with. We laughed, talked for hours and had a great time. After a couple weeks I thought I knew him pretty well. I invited him to my sister's apartment. She lived on the top floor of the building and people often took the stairs up to the roof to "hang". We walked up to the roof. Before the door closed behind us he was on me and had me pinned down. He ripped my clothes and raped me. When it was all over, his parting words were "you're a sweet kid, I'll see you around". I walked back to the apartment, took a bath, threw away the clothes I was wearing and didn't tell soul.
That was the day I started hiding. I began to wear big clothes to hide my body. I became very introverted. I didn't allow anyone to touch me. I felt if I was quiet and no one saw me it could never happen again. For fifteen years I lived quiet, covered and comforting myself with food and books. I wanted to die but was a coward. My older brother's death saved me. I was in so much pain after he passed away I had to get help or my head was going to explode. I was keeping so much bottle up. I went to a counselor . Three months into counseling a damn broke. I finally started to talk about the rape. It helped to be open with someone, anyone. I joined a group of other survivors. I had to learn, nothing I did or wore caused this man to rape me. I was not at fault. I had been breathing myself up and hiding myself for years. I was working through the pain and wanted to stop hiding. But by this point I had gained so much weight, I hated my body. I had developed many health issues; high blood pressure, severe anemia PCOS, sleep apnea and arthritis to name a few. While I wasn't paying attention my body was breaking down.
Getting to this point in my life has not been without ups and downs, weight loss and gain. I am much happier but continue to struggle with weight and health. I could be happier with my choice of profession but that is about me hiding again. I am working on that part. I am in a strong. loving relationship with a may who adores me. I kept making the wrong choices in men. I prayed for this one. God knew what I needed and sent him to me. I am thankful everyday. I don't hide anything from him. That feels wonderful to know I can tell him all my secrets and he loves me still.
He struggles with me too, through this pre surgery process. We walk together, cook together and he encourages me. I have been pre-surgery for two years due to health issues. I have finally gotten insurance approval but have to lose another 30-40lbs for it to happen. I have come this far and will make it further. I want to be free of the body that traps my spirit. I don't plan to hide anymore.
