DeannaL

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9/24/09 
I am on day 3 of my recommittment to my WLS journey and I am doing great.   I had a PTA meeting last night and one the night before and I did not give in to temptation.   One night they passed around yummy milk chocolates, and I declined, and declined, and declined.  I felt like yelling 'WHAT PART OF NO DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND" but of course my manners prevailed and I smiled sweetly and said "no thank you" and picked up another carrot.    Last night there were cookies and double chocolate chip muffins, and I declined.  The harder part was getting my children to decline too.  They had just finished dinner but of course said "but Mommy I am hungry!!!!!"   I realized that I have to set a good example for them and teach them to make better choices and to not give in just because it looks decadent and yummy.  

So I ate well yesterday, did not slip and did not make any poor choices.  I walked the children to school again, and drank 3 bottles of water.  Not a huge amount but a big improvement for me.

Today is my challenge day because I had a 2 hour commute.  I did go to Starbucks but got a Skinny Hazelnut (fat free milk & sugar free syrup) Latte, and a banana.   Better choice than a Frappaccino and a scone!   I brought protein drinks with me for lunch and some rice cakes for a snack, so I think I'll be OK.

This morning while I was at school one of the mom's I know said she was looking into gastric bypass and while doing research she saw my picture and wondered if indeed I had the surgery.   I talked to her for a while, and told her about this website, and the wonderful support.  I told her to talk to me anytime and I hope she takes me up on that.  It is scary and such an unknown subject when you are starting out.   I feel like I was meant to recommitt to this journey at just the right time.

9/22/09 - Well I have decided to recommit to my WLS journey and to finding the path again.  I have gained back 60 pounds and I am miserable and depressed.  I do not like what is happening to me and I need to stop it now.   I feel lost and also feel excited to have found my way back to OH.  I realize that I need support and I need accountability and that I cannot do this alone.  I am a food addict and I am lazy and if I don't feel accountable, then I will just eat what I want and suffer the consequences.  I have updated my profile on OH, and posted a topic on the message board.  I have had one Sugar Free pudding and one protein shake, and two cups of coffee so far today.   It is 2pm.  I think I will go have a bottle of water and then a protein bar.   I know I can do this.   I was weighed at the doctor last week and it said 270.  I will not weigh myself again until my next doctor appointment, so we'll see how this goes.

July 2007
Life has a way of taking over, and not leaving room to breath. That is how I feel lately. I have been completely inactive on the boards, and just feeling pressure in all directions. We are financially bankrupt, and are dealing with the creditors and all the hassles that go along with it. I feel depressed all the time, and like there is no hope, no point. I am trying every day not to cry in front of my children, I need to be strong for them. My body does not handle stress well and I am terrified of my ulcers rupturing again. I just don't know how we got into such a sitiuation, I know that sounds silly and naive, but it is the truth. I guess I kept thinking that there would be a way out, and if we just kept on going, it would work out. Well the bottom has fallen out, I can't even afford groceries, and I feel like a failure. I can pay the rent, and the utilities, and that is about all. The cars have to go, every thing has to go. I don't really mind losing the material things, I just want peace and freedom from the bill collectors. I know there has to be a way out, and hopefully I'll find it. I am going to try and find a second job, so that will help, maybe. But if my husband has to go out of town, on his job, then I can't work a second job.
This royally sucks.

AUGUST 2007
Things are better for now. Life sure has it's ups and downs. Thank goodness for the power of family and standing together. I know so many couples destroyed by financial problems. I am so lucky that we are facing our problems head on - together. We have made some tough decisions and we are dealing with it one step at a time, one day at a time. We have retained an attorney and are filing bankruptcy. We know it is not the easy road, and we wish we didn't have to do it. We have voluntarily surrendered our vehicles, and other items. We now need to stick to our budget plan and get through the next few months while we prepare to file the papers in court. It will be so relieving to have this behind us.

Ok, as far as the rest of our life goes, we have been BUSY. The kids are back in school, and I did all their school shopping at Walgreens, Staples, etc... while they had their 1cent sales. I seriously walked out of Staples with a huge bag of supplies for 13 cents. (I had a $3 coupon) but still it was so amazing. I probably spent a total of $20 on school supplies, which includes 2 back packs, and I have enough crayons, glue, pencils, paper, etc.. for 2 years of school. Coupon shopping is very important to me, obviously and it can be rewarding, but very time consuming.

The kids are playing soccer this year, and fortunately we don't have to pay that much for that. They are enjoying it very much. it will be a nice - free- diversion each weekend.

Dan is going on a business trip for a whole month. He is leaving next week and I am going to miss him so much.

I have not weighed myself in months. I am so afraid to see what the scale has to say. I know this is denial. I am watching my quantities much better these days and have been doing more exercise. I walk the kids to school now (unless we are running late) and that is a nice added exercise. I also go for walks around th neighborhood with a friend. The kids go too so we have a good time.

Well that is it for now. I have more to say, but no more time to write.

2006!!!!!

1/17/06: Wow, I just realized I hadn't updated my profile in a while. We had an awesome Christmas and New Years with the family. I enjoyed the time with my kids so much this year. It was just wonderful. I didn't have any problems with foods or cravings, and I was happy with that. My weight has continued to drop slowly over the holidays which is a good thing. I am currently 218 lbs. which means I've lost 106 lbs. I feel so fantastic. I am in a size 16 and I can shop in the regular women/ladies section, not in the Plus Size section. That is just so amazing to me. Not everything fits of course, but it is a start. I had a formal dinner dance to go to this past weekend and I put the dress on that I wore at the Convention, and it was TOO BIG!! I was happy, but had to scramble at the last minute to find something to wear. I eneded up wearing a dress that was my Mom's that she wore to my wedding!

I had some stomach pain over New Years which was horrible. I called UCLA and spoke with a doctor there. They gave me some more medication for an ulcer and they want me to get a scope done. I really, really, really do not want to be scoped. I just hate the idea of it, so I'm dragging my feet a little here. I have the referral to see the GI doctor but I haven't called yet. I have my 9 month follow up with my Primary Care doctor and with UCLA in February, just a few weeks away, so I may just wait and see how things go.

We are going to San Diego this weekend to have lunch with Vicki and some of the OH folks, it should be fun. I am also going to visit with an old girlfriend of mine, who I've known for 38 years. She hasn't seen me since last April, just before my surgery, so it should be fun to see her. She has seen photos of me, but not in person.

Our family is going to Lake Arrowhead next week, it should be fun to play in the snow with the kids and actually be able to play!!!

2/15/06: Yesterday I decided to wear a cute pink sweater with hearts on it for Valentine's Day. The funny thing is that this sweater was one I wore pre-op. I am now 9 months post op and down 109 lbs. I didn't think the sweater would be too big, but it was. I wore it anyways with another shirt under it. I was comfy and all day I had a goofy smile on my face. A few co workers were blown away when I held the shirt out and they saw how much room was there. I put the pictures up on my picturetrail too in the Valentine WOW photos.

I also have a new hair cut. My 5 yr old Amanda & I both got our hair cut. Amanda saw an episode of Extreme Makeover Home Edition and they cut some people's hair to donate it to Locks For Love, an organization that makes hair pieces for cancer patients. She fell in love with the idea and wanted to do it, so after her persisting for weeks, we finally did it. She cut off all her hair so it could be donated. I got mine cut too, but didn't have enough to donate. I am so proud of her for doing this.

4/10/06: I just got back from an amazing weekend at Disneyland with my family. I had a blast. It was so wonderful to walk around and just feel like a normal person in the crowd. I saw a lot of heavy people there and my heart went out to them. Inside I felt like saying to them "you don't have to live life that way anymore!" but I know I can't do that. I was able to walk for 2 days straight without any problems, I ate normal foods, and didn't get sick. I even sampled some desserts and had no problems, I was cautious though. I went on my first roller coaster ride in 20 years!!!!! We went on the newly refurbished Space Mountain, and I giggled like a school girl the whole time! We also went on the Matterhorn, Start Tours, Soarin' Over California, and we just had a blast. My daughters really had a good time. We had breakfast with Minnie Mouse and they got their pictures taken with so many of the Disney Charachters. It was a lot of fun.

We are going camping in a few weeks at Carpenteria Beach again. We went 2 weeks ago and I loved it. I am not ready for a bathing suit, but I loved being at the beach, the smells the sounds and the relaxing environment. I cannot wait to go again.

I've been on a serious plateau for over 4 months, which really stinks. The scale has finally started moving down again. I am now at 211. I only have 12 pounds to go until the Onderfuls!!!! I am so excited for that! I bought some size 14 jeans and I got them on, but they are really tight.

I am having some serious sagging skin problems and I don't like it, but I would still do this all over again. I can cover sagging skin with clothing, but I was not very successful at covering 324lbs of bulk with clothing.

That is all for now.


4/25/06: I have been very bad about posting on the boards lately. I just don't have the time or energy, and I feel guilty about it. It is so strange how life just happens, and suddenly time seems to be flying by.

Things have been extremely hectic for me lately so I finally decided it was time to put it all down in writing. First of all, I've been having stomach pains and problems since December. December was the worst month, with a lot of vomiting and pain.
Then the vomiting subsided but the pain remained, on and off. I finally talked to UCLA about it in February and they wanted to do an endoscope to see what the problem might be. I was afraid of the endoscope procedure and I put it off. STUPID!!! I have had a prior history of going to the doctor and being told there was nothing wrong, so I was convinced that would happen this time too. Well I finally made the appointment to get the endoscope done, because the pain was just getting out of control. I had the endoscope done on April 17th. Just before that, on April 15th, I had a support group meeting. Monica (my support group leader) scared the crap out of me, by telling me that I don't have enough stomach to play around with a problem and that if not treated, a problem could lead to serious complications. So I went to the scheduled appointment on Monday, scared like a 4 yr old. It was no big deal at all. They put an IV in me, gave me some wonderful drugs, and the next thing I knew they were waking me up telling me it was time to go home. I felt nothing, except that I had a sore throat for about 4 days. They found a red area of concern in my stomach. They did a biopsy on it and I am waiting for the results. I am hoping it is just an ulcer or something minor that can be treated. I will be going for full lab work next week and then I have a follow up with my PCP and with UCLA in 3 weeks.

So on the other side of my life is another mess. A good mess, but still an emotional stressful mess. My husband has applied for and as far as we know right now, has been accepted for a job at Vandenberg Air Force Base in Lompoc, Ca. That is about 3 hours north of where we live right now. He has an expected date of hire of May 30th. He will be going up to Lompoc first, and I'll stay where we live now for a couple months. We need to wait until after June when our oldest graduates High School. We need to pack up everything, sell our home, find a new home in Lompoc, find new schools, etc.... So much to do it is overwhelming. My dear sweet Leann has been helping us find storage units in Lompoc which has been a big help, so we can start to pack things and move them up there slowly. It will be nice to pack up and clean up things, and hopefully reduce clutter!!! My 6yr old will be starting First Grade and the schools up in Lompoc start Aug 23, so that is when we have to be up north by. EEK! I have lived in this area my entire life, so it will be so strange for me to move to a smaller town, but I am so ready for the change. I want my children to grow up in a safer area where they can play outside. The only really hard thing for me is to be moving away from my Mom. She and I are so close, it will be very hard to be away from her, even though it is only 3 hours driving. I will miss my 2 brothers too, but I know I'll still see them all.

My baby is going to turn 4 on Sunday. I can't believe it. I feel like time is flying so fast. I wish it would slow down so I can enjoy my children more. Maybe with this move I'll be able to spend more time with them. I still want another baby, but it just doesn't seem to be in the cards for us.

We are taking the family to see the Disney movie "The Wild" on Saturday. It should be a lot of fun. We'll take the train down to Hollywood, which should be fun.

Still no change on the weight, which is very aggrivating. I need to do SOMETHING to kick it up.

I finally got to meet Marta! She had plastic surgery so I went to go visit her. I got to see Robyn, Mary Ann, Marta and another very nice lady from OH who wishes to remain nameless. Leann went with me and we had a nice time. Then we drove to the hospital to visit Missy. She is so ill, I feel so bad for her. She is having surgery today to see what they can do for her. I hope she will get better soon. I am so worried for her.

05/22/06: A lot has been going on this past month. We are definitly moving. My husband got the job so we are relocating and putting our house up for sale. It is kind of scary and exciting. All the details are falling into place, so that is good.

We went Camping at Carpinteria Beach which was a lot of fun. I was able to run on the beach, bike ride, etc... It feels so great to be able to do stuff and be active.

My daughter Amanda fell at school and she had to go the ER and get stiches. She is ok but boy was I scared. I now know why I can no longer commute to work! I can't be that far away from my children anymore.

We went to my nephew's birthday party this weekend, and I went ice skating! It was so much fun! I couldn't believe that I could actually do it. I never even fell! It was great. My girls had a blast.

We are going camping this weekend (Memorial Day Weekend) with Dan's Brother and family, to go visit their Mom. It should be fun. We have so much to do thought, it would be nice to be home to get stuff done. Oh well, this will be our last weekend away together, and then Dan leaves for his new job. He'll be home on weekends, but it won't be the same.

On the weight loss front, things are stalled out STILL!!! I am on a huge plateau. I see UCLA this Thursday and I know they are going to yell at me for not losing any weight. This sucks.


6/23/06: Things have been so crazy for me these past few weeks. My house sold (yeah!) and is in escrow right now. My husband has been gone for a month now, coming home on the weekends. It has been very stressful for me and I feel like I'm on this emotional roller coaster. For the most part I feel ok, no stress, then whamo one moment I'm just crashing and falling into pieces. Today is a bad day, I've been crying all morning. There is so much to do, and I just can't do it all, and the fear of failing my family, my children, my work, my friends, it is just consuming me. Nobody really knows how I feel, I keep it all inside, trying to be superwoman. I feel cut off from my friends, especially from my OH friends, but I'm the one who is distancing myself. I'm eating like crap, not taking care of myself right, and suffering for it. I know I havent' been there, or been as supportive I should be for all the newbies, and pre-ops and post-ops out there, and again I feel consumed with guilt over it, like I'm not worthy to even be a part of OH anymore. I know things will get better soon, as soon as the next few weeks are over. I just keep focusing on that, and not on what it will take to get there.


7/2/06: Thank you so much to everyone who posted, called, inquired, or thought about me this week. I appreciate it so much more than you know.

I came home from the hospital yesterday afternoon. I'm feeling good, very little pain, just tired and weak. I'll meet with the surgeon this week for a follow up then continue with a Gastroenterologist to try and figure out what is going on with me.

Basically what happened, is that I woke up Tuesday morning with extreme pain in my left side, and my left shoulder. Didn't know if they were related. I thought maybe I pulled some muscles or something because I was helping shovel some concrete and heavy lifting last weekend. I also thought possible constipation/bowel problem so I did an enema and a Fleet Bowel prep, took some tylenol and rested. I called my PCP at 10am but the office said she wasn't in that day and I would have to go to their Extended/Urgent Care which opened at 2pm.

So I waited to see if things would get better, but they got worse. At 5pm I went to the Urgent Care. They assessed me and did some xrays and could see that I had air in the abdomenal cavity near my diagphram where it isn't supposed to be. They said that I needed to get to the hospital immediatealy and it couldn't wait, and that they were calling the paramedics. I FREAKED OUT. My husband is 3 hours away, but was out on a jobsite and was not reachable. My Mom was watching my daughters. I was inbetween health insurance with Hubby's old job and new job, and just FREAKED. I called my brother, and he came down and took me to the Hospital. The ER Doctor was wonderful, kind, and talked to me like a person, and talked about me like a person, not a clinical case. I heard him on the phone requesting a surgical team STAT, again I FREAKED. I heard him on the phone with UCLA (where I had my bypass) saying "no she is not stable enough to transport to your facility".

I didn't think I'd make it home. I knew I needed to stay calm, but I couldn't calm down. My brother stayed with me. I made him tell me stories of his recent trip to Zion National Park.

I had a CAT Scan and then the surgeon came in sometime around 3am. My husband got there at the same time. The surgeon Dr. Castillo, was so nice. He said he was going to make a tiny hole, put in a camera and look around and hopefully find my leak and fix it. It seemed so simple. I wasn't scared anymore. I just wanted to get fixed up and get home. I was in surgery by 4am, and into my room around 8am (I think). I had an NG tube (totally sucked), a JP drain in my side, but I was ok, and alive.

They found a small 3mm perferation in my small intestine about 1 inch below where it connects to the new pouch. There was an ulcer which ruptured basically and was leaking into my abdomen. Dr. Castillo was easily able to repair it.

I had an easy hospital stay, everything was pretty routine, all my stats were good, and everything is working like it is supposed to. I'm having a little problem with my bowels but hopefully it will work itself out.

So for now I'm ok. Now the task is to find out why this happened, and what to do about it. I'm on a strict medicine routine, possibly for life.

Well, I'm tired and still need to work on my medicines.

Thank you again to all my wonderful OH Friends. Leann, my angel, thank you for the phone calls, the visits, the profect, the propel, and just for being there for me! Faith, Kristin, Dolly, Marta, thank you so much for the phone calls, they really picked up my spirits and made me feel cared about. Debbi thank you for the beautiful flowers, they brightened up my room!

7/10/06: Well I'm home and still recovering. I saw my PCP today but she didn't have much news. I got all my hospital records and I will be seing my surgeon from UCLA on Thursday. I also will be getting a referral to a Gastroenterologist. Hopefully someone can tell me what is going on and why this is happening. I'm still scared to death that it will continue, but at the same time I am so grateful for the awesome medical care I received and I am just glad to be alive.

My weight has been dropping, too rapidly these past 2 weeks. I was up to 219 the day of my surgery and now I'm 205, just 12 days later. Pretty scary. I'm thrilled about this jump off my plateau, but not the recommended way to do it.

I'm trying to stay calm in life, but that is very difficult to do with everything that is going on right now. We did decide to hire movers to come and pack and move us, so that is a big strain off me, but I still want to pack my own stuff, so the control freak in me is having an anxiety attack over this, which is exactly what I need to avoid.

7/13/06: Today is my Hubby's birthday, and we are apart. He is up north in our new home, and I'm still down in Los Angeles. I miss him so much, and this separation is very difficult. I hope he knows how much I love him and how much he means to me, and to our children.

I saw my surgeon at UCLA today, for a follow up to my emergency surgery (perferated ulcer in my small intestines). He said that given the pain I was in, he is not surprised it happened. I have to have another endoscope done, and in the meantime they added 2 more medications to my routine. Sor for now it is just "wait and see what happens". Either I'll heal and get better, or I won't. If I don't, then the plan is for them to go in and do a revision of my bypass, where they will cut out the ulcerated part of my intestines and bypass it, probably another 2 inches or so, and make a fresh connection to my pouch. I am not thrilled at the possiblity of another surgery.

I also was reading the 52 pages of lab tests and surgical reports that I copied for UCLA, and the CT scan I had done while in the ER, shows that I have a hernia. I asked my surgeon about it, he felt around and sure enough, I'm the proud owner of a new hernia. Well the good news is, it isn't causing me problems (yet), so I can wait on that for a while, and maybe work it into a tummy tuck.

The other good thing that has come out of this mess, is that I'm off my plateau, at least for now, so I'm officially down 119 lbs, and I have 35 lbs to go to goal. This isn't how I wanted to get there, but I'll take every pound I can get.

My advice to everyone out there is to learn to listen to your bodies and do not ignore pain, burning, discomfort, etc..... I did ignore my discomfort for a couple months because I thought I was being a whiney puss, and now I'm really sorry that I did.

I'll keep you all updated as things progress.

8/14/06: I can't believe it has been a month since I've been on the boards, or updated. We have officially moved to Lompoc, but I'm still staying at my Mom's house for another 5 days, so it doesn't really seem final yet. We have settled into our new house, but still have tons of unpacking to do. My oldest daughter started college today, man do I feel old!!! My middle daughter starts 1st grade next week, and my baby will begin a new preschool next week. I really love our new home and our new neighborhood. I am so eager to get established up there, meet more people, and get my girls into local activities. I am also hoping that I'll be able to sell more insurance up there and grow my income too.

My health is stable right now, not much pain anymore which is awesome. I am still waiting for the referral to get an endoscope. I have lost a few more pounds, so right now I'm at 202. That is 122 lbs gone! I still can't believe it. I feel good. I feel normal. It is so strange to go shopping or go places and not have people look at me strange or laugh at me. I enjoy life, which is such an inspiring thing in itself.

I still struggle with eating the wrong things. It was funny the other day I had a bad "munchies" day. I didn't eat poorly, but I WANTED to. I was struggling with my inner demons pretty hard. I told my Mom how hard of a day I was having and she was shocked. She just assumed since I'd lost all the weight, and have been doing so well, that it was easy for me now, and not a problem. I tried to explain that I'll always have the desires for the junk food, and to eat quantites of things I shouldn't. My brain is still the same as it was 100 lbs ago. It is how I react to those urges that has changed. She kept saying how shocked she was and how surprised that I'd even think about eating junk food. It just shows how anyone, even someone as close to me as my Mother, will never understand how I feel about food and eating issues.

8/31/06: I am settling in to life in Lompoc, I absolutely love small town life, with one major exception. My wonderful cat named Purr got sick, so I had to find an after hours Vet. There is only 1 in Lompoc that is “on call” well he didn’t answer his phone so I had to go to the next closest one, in Arroyo Grande which is 45 miles away. Not having the emergency services I'm used to in a big city, is going to be hard to deal with.

So the sad part is that Purr had to be put to sleep. I held him while it was done, I was crying hysterically afterwards. It was 2:15am by the time I was finished at the Vet. It was very foggy and the visibility was about 50 feet. I drove slowly because it was so foggy. Well I still hit 2 deer on my way home (at the same time) They just appeared out of the fog, standing in the middle of the road. I slammed on my brakes and skidded between them, and they bounced off the sides of my van. Such a horrible sound. I couldn't see inthe dark if they were ok, and it was so foggy that I couldnt' get out of the car for fear that another car would come and run me over. I called my husband who was at work, and I was shaking so badly. I drove back by the same spot the next morning and there were no injured or dead animals, so I'm just hoping that the poor deer are ok. My car is ok, so I'm hoping that they are too. What a crappy night. I got home at 3:30am, and went to bed at 4:30 am but couldnt' sleep. I finally got about 1 hour sleep before I had to wake up the girls and tell them about Purr. They are so upset and taking it pretty hard.

So other than that, I really love this small town. Everyone is really friendly. I am so happy here. On a physical note, I am having my Endoscope done next week, and hopefully they'll find that my tummy is healing nicely.

10/5/06: Well so much has been happening with us, it seems like we can never get a break. My father in law has cancer and we got a call about 3 weeks ago that he wasn't doing well. We drove to Frazier Park to visit him and he was very weak and wasn't getting in much nutrition. We drove an hour to get to a Vitamin Shoppe and Trader Joes. I bought him all kinds of protein drinks and chewable vitamins, etc.... I finally felt like my new found knowledge was useful and I could help. I guess it is just when you see someone you love in so much pain and you feel so helpless that you want to believe that you can help make it all better.

He was able to eat some of the protein stuff I brought, but not much. My husband (Dan) has visited him a few times, and we were able to bring the girls for a nice visit. They don't understand yet that it was their last visit with Grandpa. We got "the call" yesterday, so Dan went to say his goodbyes. It is so sad, and so hard. We just don't know how much longer it will be, but it is going to be only a day or two. I decided not to go, and to stay home with the little ones. I wish I could have gone too, to say my goodbyes, but I know that Dan needed to be free to go. This is so hard. I am reliving my loss of my own dad 5 years ago. Have I mentioned how much I HATE CANCER!!!!!?

So on top of this, my 4 yr old Shayna fell off the slide at her preschool and broke her arm. She is in a purple cast and fortunately she'll heal just fine, and she is not hindered or phased by having a cast at all. She has not complained once!

We are also struggling financially right now, which just makes things harder to deal with, and more filled with tension. I am trying to find a way out of our dilema, but I just haven't found the answer yet.


10/9/06: My Father In Law passed away on Friday. It is so sad. I feel so helpless for my husband. I can't even type too much about it, because it is just too hard.

Also I'm having a lot of stomach problems again, and I'm in constant pain. I don't have any idea what it is, but my imagination is making me crazy. I have an appointment with my surgeon at UCLA on Thursday, so hopefully that will help. I just want to be normal and live a good quality of life. I am so tired of being in pain all the time.

11/2/06: Well I saw the surgeon at UCLA, and they have decided that I need another surgery!!!! I can't believe this. So my surgery is going to be 11/7/06. I have so many emotions swirling through me right now. Ok, let's back up a little bit. First let me talk about Halloween, because I had such a wonderful time, despite my pain. My daughters were so darn cute in their princess costumes. I love Halloween in a small town. We did a birthday party on Saturday, then the school carnival on Sunday, I can't believe schools still do carnivals! It was awesome. Little Shayna won a cake and was so excited. Then we took them to a Spooky Trail on the base. They were scared but had fun. We just really had a good family weekend. It sucked because Jessie wasn't there, so we weren't complete. It was her 18th birthday and she spent it with her boyfriend. I have to admit, I understand that.

Also, Jessie got her drivers license!!! Yipee, she is finally independent. I think it will help her so much to feel free.

So, now back to my surgery. So I am trying to clear up things at work, trying to get all my ducks in a row so to speak. I went today for my pre-op and now I found out that on top of everything else I have a heart murmer. I don't even know what that is. They said it could be the cause of some of my dizziness and chest pains. So I need to watch it and see. But I'll still be having the surgery on Tuesday. It is going to be done laparscopic to start, but they may have to do it open if they can't find anything. I have no idea what they'll find, what they'll do, or what my recovery will be. Dan has to work, so he is just staying home with the kids, and I'll be in the hospital by myself. My Mom and brother will be with me the first day. I feel guilty about them driving down to UCLA to visit me every day, the drive sucks down there. I feel guilty admitting that I'll be scared and lonely and will want visitors, like it isn't ok to ask for help. Why is that? I can do so much for others, but can't ask for anything for myself.

I am scared, I try to not show it in front of my family. I cry when I'm alone. I don't want to die. I don't want to be in pain anymore. I want to enjoy my life with my family. I hate being so scared.

Well I'll have a lot on my mind this weekend, it is Dan's Dad's funeral on Saturday, then the bowel prep on Sunday, plus packing and getting ready for the surgery. I want to spend a quality day with my kids on Sunday (in between bathroom runs).

Well, wish me luck. I'll update more after my surgery.

12/8/06: Well it has been a long month. I had surgery 11/7/06 at UCLA. They found that my intestines were attached to my abdomenal wall on the left side, so they removed a lot of scar tissue and separated the intestines. They also found that my recent ulcer repair in my intestines, had formed a fistula into my liver, so they were growing together, so that was separated and repaired. I have 4 small incisions on my tummy, fortunately the surgery was done Laporscopic. For some reason I had a harder time recovering from this surgery. I went home the same day, which was completely awesome! I stayed at my Mom's house for a week. It was hard being away from my husband and children. This was the first time my husband wasn't there for me, and I know it was hard on him.

I improved day by dy, but then had major set backs, pain wise. Up until Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving day was a very painful day for me, but since then I've been doing better. I had one more bad day on 12/1, but since then, no more major pain, just occasional mild pain that Tylenol takes care of.

I am hoping and praying that my pain is over, and that I will continue to improve and regain my strength. That is the hardest part right now, I have no energy.

Next week is my 40th birthday, and I have a lot of emotions about that. I am happy that I am healthier than I have been in years, and at the same time, feeling the BIG 4 - 0 scares the poop out of me.

I am looking forward to a nice holiday season with my family, and just enjoying everything. I think the biggest thing for me is that I don't take anything for granted and I appreciate everyone in my life, every day.

I haven't been too active on the OH boards lately, but I do try and keep up with what is going on, and hopefully I'll get back into the swing of things.

1/10/05: I am still waiting for my surgery date. I have contacted UCLA but have not had a return call. I know I'll get my surgery date eventually, but I had hoped to have it by now. I have decided to post some information that has helped me, so if there are any other pre-ops reading my profile, maybe this will help them too. First off I want to start by commenting about this OH website. I am pre-op and I know I would not be on track as I am if it weren't for the amount of support I find here. It is totally amazing to me. Usually I am shy and feel insecure and here I feel like I am accepted for me, surrounded by people who get what I feel, and where I am going, and what struggles I have to overcome to get there. I was so scared and confused and just didn't know where to start or what to do, before I found this board. Now I feel like I have a path to follow, I know what to do, and where to turn for help when I have problems. I agree with the "Pay it forward" motto, so I too, hope to be of help to someone some day.

Ok, I have lost 16 pounds since 11/22/04. I have been drinking 1-3 protein shakes a day, eating a protein bar for lunch, and a sensible dinner. My favorite protein bar is the Power Crunch Bars, I order them from www.smarthealthstore.com They are very yummy and have 185 calories so I eat them as lunch with a big bottle of water, or sometimes as a late afternoon snack to tide me over until dinner. I went to the Vitamin Shoppe store and bought several different protein bars, and I compared labels, etc…. I just looked for the higher protein, lower carbs, lower fat bars. It seems like if you get low carb then it is higher fat, etc…Here is some information I have found:

For the pre made protein drinks, I think I like the Myoplex ones the best. I bought them at the Vitamin Shoppe. They have a website too, www.vitaminshoppe.com For the protein bars, they are all pretty good to me. The ones I have been eating the most, are the Myoplex Carb Sense Bars. They are pretty dense so if I eat them slowly and cut them into bit size pieces, and drink a lot of water with it, it will fill me up. I also use some of the Protein Powder to make shakes at home. I bought some shaker cups at Bed Bath & Beyond and use those to bring to work. When I am at home, I use my smoothie maker to make a big frothy shake that is about 30 ounces or so. I use non fat milk, bananas, ice, splenda and protein powder. I mostly use the Designer Whey Chocolate flavor powder. Again I bought it at the Vitamin Shoppe. I searched around at GNC, Sav On, Rite Aid, etc… and I like the variety at the Vitamin Shoppe best. Walking in the door was very overwhelming because it is just floor to ceiling of stuff. But the staff is very helpful, and then I just took my time, read the labels and bought a few things at a time. I also ordered a whole bunch of samples from www.valleynutrition.com. They charge $1.50 per sample with no shipping charges. I started using the samples but then decided to save those for after surgery. As Monica was saying, our tastes change after surgery, so I don’t want to buy big packages of stuff that I won’t like later. There is one very popular protein powder that I have heard a lot about, it is Unjury unflavored. You can add it to anything. Soup, coffee, juice, pudding, etc…. and it makes it into a full protien meal. I figured I’d wait for after surgery on that too. I have been copying recipes from the California Board everytime I see one that looks interesting and I just put it in my book. The other website that it interesting to me is www.bariatriceating.com

The other thing I have found is that I need support. I enjoy it, and I NEED it. I found a great support group and have gone 3 times now, and I really enjoy the meetings. My goal for 2005 is to try and make some of the other get togethers that are posted on the boards. So far, no luck, but I will definitely try.

1/28/05: I still have not heard from UCLA. I have left 4 messages. Oh well. I will start my education classes next week and hopefully will get my surgery date within a few weeks from them.

1/31/05: I have my first Angelette. Her name is Evelyn Tolliver and she is having her surgery tomorrow. I am so excited for her. I know she is nervous and worried for her children's sake, but I know she'll make it trhough with shining colors.

2/3/05: Well I had my first education class at UCLA on Tuesday. It was interesting and informative. I found out that my new pouch will be 1 ounce and the opening going into it will be 8mm. That is so small. I really think these education classes are wonderful. I weighed myself today and I am down another 2 pounds, so now it is 19 pounds lost. I have been exercising more and I hope to lose another 5 pounds prior to surgery. I want to go to my PCP next week and have them re-weigh me and fax my weight to UCLA. Hopefully then I will get "THE CALL" with my surgery date.

2/7/05: I have a new Angelette! Her name is Ericka Mejia. Her surgery is 2/14/05 at Cedar Sinai Hosptial in Los Angeles. I am so excited for her.

2/8/05: I have been sick for a couple of days and generally feeling like crap. Well this morning I got on the scale and I am down 3 more pounds, so now I am at 300!! That is 22 pounds gone. I only needed to lose 16 so I think that I have a safe cushion now in case my scale is different from their scale. I am so happy!

2/11/05: I have been very ill this week, and went to my PCP today. I have pneumonia! I am hoping it won't affect my surgery date. I don't have my actual date yet but it should be around mid-March. I need a clear chest xray and I don't know if my xray will be clear by then. I got weighed in and I am down to 295. That is 27 pounds gone. Wow.

2/12/05: I HAVE A DATE!!! My letter came today and my surgery date is MARCH 15, 2005. I am happy, and scared, and nervous. My daughter Amanda's birthday is on March 16th, so that makes me sad to miss her birthday.

2/25/05: Well I finished my education classes at UCLA. I had my final appointment with my PCP yesterday to see if my pnuemonia had cleared up enough to go ahead with surgery, and it has not. I got the bad news that my surgery will have to be delayed. I called UCLA and they said not to call back until I am cleared by my PCP and they cancelled all my pre-op appointments. I am very disappointed. I know in my head that I need to be healthy and 100% ready physically for the surgery, it just really sucks emotionally. So now I just need to keep on my medications and hope that this clears up. I have another appointment with my PCP scheduled for 3/3/05. They have me on a very aggressive course of treatment, so hopefully it will work.

3/3/05: I met with my PCP today and it is not good news. I STILL HAVE PNEUMONIA!!!!! My blood oxygen level is up a little, but only to 91, so still not good enough. I need to continue with my medications and breathing treatments and she wants to see me back in 3 weeks. That will be 9 days after my original surgery date. I am very upset about this. I also have to more testing for the H-pylori bacteria. I might have it, they are not sure. More fun, more tests. Yipee. I am trying not to get discouraged, and trying not to eat. Boy this is discouraging.

3/14/05: Well tomorrow was my scheduled surgery date. The funny thing is I am not even sad today. I guess I have accepted it and I am just dealing with getting better. I am still coughing but not as bad, so I have no clue what the doctors will say. I go on 3/24/05 to get a new x-ray and then meet with my PCP to see if the pneumonia is cleared up. I also should hear today about the H-pylori test. We had my daughter's 5th Birthday party on Saturday at Chuck E Cheese and it was a lot of fun. I cannot believe my baby is growing up so fast.

3/18/05: I have come down with a bad cold, on top of the pneumonia. I have no voice, I feel like crap. The doctor has put me on another round of antibiotics. It has been 6 weeks that I have had pneumonia and I am feeling very depressed about it now. I just wonder when it will end. I am going to work less hours and try and rest more, to see if that will help. I have an appointment on 3/24 which was hopefully going to be my "all clear" appointment, but now it is going to be a check up to see what else we can do to treat this. I feel like I won't be having my surgery for months. I want to get over this, not only for my surgery, but just to be able to go one day without struggling for breath and coughing every time I try to talk.

3/28/05: Well I went to the doctor on 3/24 and my pneumonia is GONE!!!! I cannot believe it. I am still tired and have to take it easy, but my PCP gave me the ALL CLEAR for surgery. So now I just need to wait to hear from UCLA with a new surgery date.

I had a nice weekend with my family for Easter and just really enjoyed being with my kids and my husband. I was honored with a phone call from Jeremy Norman's Mom. I had mailed them a card with some money in it, just because I feel so much for what they are going through. It was so considerate of her to personally call and thank me, she is a sweet dear woman, and I pray that Jeremy will recover and be able to go home.

4/1/05: WOW! I got the call from UCLA. I have a new surgery date of 5/10/05!!! I am so excited. I don't mind waiting a month, it will give me time to clear my desk at work, and to get things settled at home. I want to visit with some friends, do some cleaning at home, make sure all the bills are paid ahead for a month, and do a big Costco shopping so my husband and kids don't have to worry about the basics like running out of shampoo or toilet paper, etc... and all he will have to do is pick up milk and fresh fruit and vegetables. I think it will all work out ok. I can't believe that this is going to finally happen.

4/8/05: I am starting to plan everything out carefully. I went over the paperwork from my UCLA education classes again and made a checklist or guideline to follow, starting with 1 month before surgery. It covers things like when to stop taking what medicines, when to start with the antibacterial soap, and most importantly all the details and surgeon instructions for after surgery. Things like what vitamins, how much per day, how much protein, when to advance to next stage, etc.... I think it will help me keep focused. Now I need to clean out my cupboards, make my shopping list for my post op items like SF Jello, SF Popsicles, Broth, Clear Protein, etc.... Then I need to pack my hospital bag and make sure I have my carmex, baby wipes, lotion, reading book, etc....

I have to say a HUGE "THANK YOU" to my very dear friend Leann. She made me the sweetest gift bag with things for after surgery. It was so kind and thoughtful of her, and I was so touched by her gift. I met her here on OH, and I truly don't know where I'd be without this site and the people it has brought into my life.

My other dear friend Debbi is having her surgery on 4/12/05 which is just a few days away. I am so excited and nervous for her. You'd swear it was me having the surgery in a few days.

4/14/05: Debbi came through her surgery with flying colors. She said she had no pain, she doesn't even feel like she had surgery. So far she is walking and drinking without problems and was even sent home a day early from the hospital. It makes me a lot more relaxed having witnessed her surgery and the recovery (so far). Wow, 3 weeks and counting!!!!!

4/18/05: Well, my surgery is officially 3 weeks away. I have my final pre-op on the 29th. It will be an all day thing, meeting with the anasthesiologist first, and then the surgeon in the afternoon. I am starting to get nervous. I have so many emotions going through me right now. I am so used to being in control of everything, handling the grocery shopping, bills, laundry, kids clothes for the week, etc.... I feel guilty for taking time for me. I know that sounds strange, but it will be a strain on my family, and especially my husband. There will be so many things I will be restricted from doing for a few weeks, and he'll have to do it all. I can't even pick up my daughter if she is crying. That will be hard. I know we'll work it out, and it will only be for a short time, but I still feel bad for putting extra pressure on him. He'll have to take the kids to school and daycare every day until I can drive. That will make him late for work, which will be hard. Hopefully his work will be understanding and accomodating to him. My work has been understanding when I need to leave work early when he is on a business trip, so hopefully things will be ok. The other hard part will be financially, with me being off work, and him working shorter hours, it will really hurt us. So again, I feel guilty. I hate guilt.

I am also have a lot of fears about the surgery, and possibly not making it home again. I am really freaked out about leaving my children. My husband keeps saying "you'll be fine" but I still have fears. My family means everything to me. I am doing this surgery so that I can be healthy and be there for my children. I don't want to die in 3 weeks, and I don't want to die in 10 years. I want more time than that. I know that nobody can predict when their time will come, so I know I am gambling here, big time. I just have to find a way to come to terms with my fears and get past them and move foreward with this surgery in a relaxed and calm manner.

I know there are the good things to remind myself, like the fact that my surgeon has never lost a patient, that UCLA has remarkable success ratio's, they have extensive pre-surgery education to help ensure that the patients do well, I have a wonderful support network, etc.....

I have been so busy trying to plan the perfect quality time with my family. I want to do so much, go to the zoo, do this, do that. This weekend we did stuff around the house, my husband was working on a project out back, I was doing laundry and some other stuff inside, the kids were playing nicely, inside and then outside, and it was just the best weekend ever. I felt so much love for my family, and every room I walked into, I just stopped doing what I was doing to watch what they were doing, to soak it all in. It was absolutely pefect. It was normal. It was typical (except the kids weren't fighting like normal) and I loved it. I know I will be drawing strength from that weekend for a long time.

4/28/05: My final pre-op is tomorrow. I have honestly been battling in my mind, with the reasons why I should have the surgery. Intellectually I know that I need the surgery for health reasons, but I don’t feel like an obese person, so emotionally it is hard to wrap my brain around it sometimes. I feel like a 16 yr old with a ton of energy. That isn’t the realistic me, but that is my mental self image.

So I decided to seriously think about the things I have endured, and what I want to be different about my life. Obviously there are health issues, but for me, most of them are preventative at this point. I don’t have diabetes, I don’t have high blood pressure, I don’t have high cholesterol, I don’t have sleep apnea. I do have pain in my feet every day. I do have pain in my lower back. I do have asthma. Other than that my problems are things like not being able to fit into places, not being able to get up off the floor easily, getting tired or winded after a while, etc….

I was talking to a client at work, who is a good looking man, and who’s mother is an RN and actually works for another bariatric surgery program. I had no idea. I just mentioned that I would be off work having surgery and he asked why, and I told him. He was very supportive. We got into a conversation about all different aspects of things, and one of them was how my body image will change, and how I’ll get attention from guys in a different way. It made me start thinking about the attention I’ve received from men in the past. Fortunately for me, I met a wonderful man who loves me for who I am, fat or thin, and is amazingly supportive of all my decisions. But before I met him, and even since we’ve been together, other men, even strangers on the street have treated me in a certain way. Either as a wallflower, or as a “safe” friend, or with disgust and even meanness and rudeness. So this just opened a floodgate in my mind. I started thinking about all the times in my life that I been humiliated due to my weight. At first I could only think of a couple, but then, like I said, the flood gates opened and all kinds of experiences came to mind.

-Elementary school – nickname “pregnant-a”
-Jr. High – nickname “half gallon”
-Riding my bike at Venice beach – guys laughing at me
-Laying out at the beach – guys yelling to get the beached whale off the beach, -Dating a guy for a few weeks – then he just shows up at the bar we were meeting at with another girl – I asked him what was going on and he informs me that he is done with me, that I was just a pity –f**k and that he felt no one would want me so he felt sorry for me.
-A few years later, dating another guy, pretty serious for a couple years, met his father, his father took one look at me and turned to my boyfriend and said “you used to have a hat that said NFC (No Fat Chicks) so what changed?”
-Going to Universal Studios and being asked to get off the ride because I didn’t fit.
-Going to a local carnival and having the guy tell me “no pregnant women allowed” but I wasn’t pregnant.
-Not being able to get an ultrasound of my baby done properly due to my weight. -During labor, having the nurses be mean because the baby’s heart monitor belt kept sliding off my belly, and they couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat through my fat.
-My grandmother – who I loved dearly, telling me that I’m not beautiful because I’m fat.

There are lots of other memories, I can’t and don’t want to list them all. But I needed to write them out so that I can have a reminder of what my life has been like, and why I need to do this surgery. I want a new life. I always tell people that becoming a mother, gave me the secret key to a whole new level of love, and opened my eyes to so many things that were right in front of me. Well I feel that this surgery will help me find another key into a world that I have not been a part of for many years.

5/9/05: Well tomorrow is my BIG DAY! I cannot believe that the time has finally come. I am so excited. I had a week full of emotions and tears last week, but as I woke up this morning, I just feel calm and excited.

I had a nice weekend. I was overworked at work, and I ended up staying late on Thursday and Friday to get things done. My husband took me to the Macaroni Grill for lunch on Friday which was very good. Then we went to Black Angus for dinner on Friday night. It wasn't good at all, which was very disappointing to me. Then I went to my last support group meeting on Saturday morning. I brought my husband with me so he could see first hand the experiences that these wonderful people have gone through, and how different everybody reacts to the surgery. Some can't eat anything without getting sick, some can eat anything and never get sick. Some can't eat chicken or meats, some can't eat citrus, etc..... Everyone is different. It will be trial and error until I figure out what works for me.

After the support group meeting, we took the kids to the zoo. That was fun. Then we all went to Bob's Big Boy for dinner. I have not been there in years! It was soooooooo good!!!!!! I had my alltime favorite Hot Fudge Cake for desert. It was the best "last meal".

So today I'm just packing my stuff, finishing up stuff around the house, and getting ready for tomorrow.


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5/16/05: I'M A LOSER!!!!!!! My surgery was 6 days ago and I am home and feel pretty good. I have very little pain, except when I get up from bed. I am trying to get all my protein in each day which is a huge challenge. I need to get in 96 grams of protein, but I just can't do that yet. It feels so strange to drink a few sips and have it get stuck and gurgle it's way down into my tummy. I've been able to poop so that just made me smile because I know that means the plumbing is working and everything can work it's way through.

So I arrived at the hospital at 9:00am for a 9:30 check in. Surgery was scheduled for 11:30am. They were backed up in pre-op and made me go back out to the waiting room. About 9:30am they had me come back into pre-op. There was another lady there that was having surgery with my same Dr. and hers was scheduled for 9:30am. She was still in pre-op. A few minutes later the Dr. came in and said there was a back up in OR and it would be about another 45 minutes before she got to go in, which immediately made me aware that my surgery would not be on time either. I ended up going into OR about 1:00pm. My husband Dan, my Mother, my Brother David, and my friend Nicky were all there with me. In pre-op they had a hard time starting my IV because my blood pressure was really low. My veins kept flattening out. It took several tries and finally my Mom, who is a RN and does IV's and PIC lines, put in my IV herself. Aren't Mom's great! I wasn't nervous at all until they wheeled me away to the OR. Once I got to the OR dept, they parked me in the hallway for about 5 minutes or so. That is where I lost it. All alone in the cold hallway, I started crying. Then these two sweet OR nurses came up and held my hands and talked to me and wheeled me into OR. I got onto the OR table and they all started strapping me in, and hooking me up. They gave me oxygen and that is the last thing I remember!

Next thing I knew I was being woken up in recovery. This is where the agony began. My blood oxygen levels were dangerously low. They had me on oxygen with a full face mask on, and they had to keep increasing the oxygen. It got up to 5 litres they were giving me and my saturation % kept going down into the 70's and 80's. I would have to work so hard to breath to get the numbers back up, then as soon as I would relax, they would drop again. I wasn't allowed to sleep, and EVERYONE sleeps in recovery!!!

The hard part during this whole time was that my family had no clue what was going on. Nobody came to talk to them after my surgery. So from 1pm until 5pm they didn't hear a thing. Finally they saw the doctor in the hallway and went up and asked him what was going on, he started to tell them about a problem with my gallbladder, but my husband stopped him and informed him that I don't have a gallbladder. Then my surgeon said "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I forgot to come talk to you" He said I had a lot of adhesions from my previous surgeries and it took an extra hour in OR to remove them, but that everything went well. My family was told they'd get to see me around 6:00pm. Well at 8:30 they still hadn't heard anything. Finally they were allowed in to see me and were told about my oxygen problem.

I was finally transferred to a monitored room at 10:00pm. What a long day for my family. So all night my oxygen levels kept going down, so every time the machine would start beeping it's alarm, I'd have to wake up and breathe like crazy. It was not fun. The next day I was transferred to a normal room. They had to keep the oxygen on me still, but not monitored. I walked as much as I could and I did my spirometer a lot. It hurt like hell, but I was determined that I was not going to get pneumonia or let my lungs collapse.

The next day just unplugged my IV myself and went for long walks around the hospital floor. I wasn't going to wait for the nurses to help me. I needed to do this for myself. The more I walked, the better I felt. They took me off the oxygen on Thursday which was such a huge relief. I got so excited every time they checked my oxygen saturation levels and I saw how normal they were.

It was also fun to weigh myself as I would walk around the floor. I gained 11 pounds during surgery due to the IV fluids. By Friday when I left the hospital I had lost 9 of those 11 pounds.

I still can't believe I finally had my surgery. It was a bumpy ride and I can't thank my family enough for being there for me and for the extra burden they have carried and will carry for the next few weeks. Especially my wonderful husband. It is hard for him with our 3 kids, doing everything himself. I tease him and say "see, now you know what I go through when you are on your business trips!" He knows how much I appreciate his support and help. And he has been so wonderful making my broth for me, and mixing my medicines, etc..... He's been great.

So now I just need to rest and work on getting back into a normal life.


5/24/05: I've been doing really well with my liquid diet. Today I get to start the "Phase II" which is Full Liquids, like creamed (strained) soups, pudding, thinned mashed potatoes, thinned cream of wheat, etc.... I haven't had any problems yet, with drinking anything. I have no pain left from the surgery, I don't even feel like I had surgery. I am very tired all the time. I have zero energy. I take all my vitamins, iron, B-12 complex, etc.... I get in all my protein each day pretty much. My emotions have started to go crazy on me. I am very emotional and hormonal. I can't multi task too well right now, and just dealing with day to day life is difficult. I went to work for a couple hours yesterday and that was a huge mistake. I am not ready for that, emotionally or physically. I got very dizzy and shaky and my brain just feels muddy a lot. I tested my blood sugar and it is ok, so I'm not sure why I feel this way.

I got scared when I took my kids to school & daycare yesterday, because I knew I shouldn't have been driving a car in that condition. I would feel horrible if something happened to my kids, or to someone else. My husband told me not to do that again! I just hate feeling dependent on other people, or not being the "Super Mom" that I normally am. I know I just had major surgery and my body needs time to heal and adjust to my new eating, and right now I am probably malnourished on top of it, but my heart just wants to jump back into my life and do everything for everyone.

Part of it is that I feel like I'm not needed right now, like I'm in the way, and that is a horrible feeling. I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I'm sure it is just the emotions that make me feel like this.

I'm also upset because I have not lost any weight in a week. I really expected to lose A LOT of weight right away. It makes me sad, and mad. I feel defeated and depressed.

I'm going to my support group meeting tonight, hopefully they can give me some pointers and ideas to help turn things around for me.

6/1/05: Things are getting better. My emotions are leveling out alot. My energy is getting better. We went to the OC Swap Meet last weekend and I walked over 4 miles with no resting, it was great. I am still on "full liquids" for one more week, but I don't mind. My head wants the real food, but honestly I am not hungry. I have to remember to drink my protein, out of necessity, not hunger. It is wierd.

I'm back at work, part time, and it is a little hard, because I commute about 45 minutes (with traffic it is longer) and I get tired in the stop and go traffic. I am able to do normal stuff around the house, so that is good too. I went for my 2 week post op appointment last Friday, and the Dr. said everything looks good, and is normal. I feel the weight loss is slow, but at least it is still a loss. To date, I am down 38 pounds from where I started in November, so that is a huge accomplishment. I bought some clothes right off the rack at Walmart. Yes they were still plus size, but still, I didn't fit into them before.

My friend Leann shares her outsized clothing with me, as she keeps shrinking. It is fun. She called the other day and said "I got us some new tops today". It is so cute! I truly love the friends I have made through this website.

My other new friend, Mike, is going in for his surgery next week. Leann and I are going to visit him in the hospital and give him some support. He's going to do great!

We have a busy summer planned, and I am excited to get out and do things and enjoy life! We are going to a couple outdoor evening concerts at the Hollywood Bowl which should be a lot of fun. We are going to Las Vegas and to San Diego for a couple of weekend getaways. I also want to take a train ride to Santa Barbara and go to the zoo. I think the kids will get a kick out of it.

Oh, and most importantly, today is my 9 year Wedding Anniversary. I am still in love with my wonderful hubby, even after all these years. We've been together since 1992 and I feel lucky every day to have found my perfect soul mate, best friend, and love of my life.

6/9/05: I am still doing ok. The energy is getting better every day. I'm working full time now which isn't too bad. I started exercising so I really hope that increases my weight loss. I am down 19 pounds from surgery and a total of 44 pounds from my original consultation date last November. 19 pounds is a good amount of weight loss in one month. I was thinking it was too slow, but if I lose that every month then in 6 months I will have lost over 100 lbs! That is my goal, 100 lbs gone by November 10th. I wonder if I'll make it. It still seems like a fantasy to me.

I'm having a little bit of trouble with food. I don't get sick when I eat it, but later or the next day I get diarreha and cramping for hours. It is not fun. I need to go back to basics and try one new food a day, and see how that does. I certainly don't want to have this problem forever so I hope I can figure out a way to tell exactly what food or types of food do this to me.

6/14/05: Sunday was my worst day so far. I woke up fine, and was playing with my kids, planning a nice drive up the coast and I felt a little crampy, so I went to the bathroom. It was instantly like someone flipped a switch. I got majorly sick!!! I started throwing up, and having major diarreha at the same time. I had not eaten in over 12 hours so of course my pouch was empty, so I was dry heaving. I was hysterically crying. It was agony. This lasted for hours. I do not know what I could have eaten to cause this effect. I am trying to just take foods one at a time to see what causes problems.

On the positive side, I am now down 47 pounds. It is just amazing. I went to Walmart and grabbed a pair of 22/24 pants to just see how close I was to wearing them. They fit!!!! I am so thrilled. It is definite progress that I can finally see. My other pants were sooo baggy on my butt.

We are going to Las Vegas next week and I am really hoping that I can eat some foods, not a lot, but some, and that I don't get sick!

I have decided to to the Walk from Obesity on September 24th. I am very sad though because I just found out that members of NAAFA (National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance) has made appearances in the past at the walks, and that they heckel the walkers. I cannot believe that. That just makes me soooooo mad. Who are they to heckle people like me, who are just trying to get healthy and make a positive change in life. I am not trying to be skinny or vein, I want to be healthy, and that means that I need to lose weight and reduce the strain on my heart and other organs.

6/30/05: Well, last Friday my 5 yr old daughter Amanda graduated from Pre-School. It was so cute. I can't believe she'll be starting Kindergarten in the fall. Time sure flies. It seems like she was just born. After her graduation we drove up to Las Vegas for the weekend. It was so funny. During the graduation, she stood up and said "I want to leave to Las Vegas now!!!!" Most kids would say "I want to go to Disneyland" not my duaghter!

So we drove to Las Vegas and had a good time. We walked so much my legs were killing me. It was hard with the little kids, and the heat of the day did not help. We were a little rushed during the day, but it was still fun.

We walked over 2 miles on Saturday, and it felt good. I did not need to stop and rest, I did not need to use my asthma inhaler at all. I kept drinking so I kept hydrated, and I felt good.

I was amazed by how everything in Las Vegas revolves around food. I guess when you are enjoying the food you don’t really notice it, but I sure noticed it this time. And what I noticed was that I was not planning my time around where and when I could eat. It wasn’t like “oh let’s go to this place because they have the best buffet, or this place has $.99 hot dogs and margaritas….” I was there to just enjoy the city and the sights and could care less about the food.

The only thing I really missed out on was the margaritas. They had these huge 2 or 3 foot tall glasses that you could carry around with a nice margarita. I really wanted one, but I did not want the aweful feeling that comes after drinking in the hot weather, so I just kept reminding myself that I would feel horrible and didn’t need it. Plus I was with my kids and I do not drink alcohol when I’m with my kids. I did not have time to even sit down at a slot machine. Well I could have after the kids were asleep, but I was too tired and didn’t want to budge from our room.

We went to the Tournament of Knights at the Excalibur Hotel. It was a very good show, the kids loved it. I was able to eat some of the food and had no problems.

I did fine with my eating. Most of the time I just ate my own stuff, and then had a baked potato or something like that.

I showed my restaurant card from UCLA to the buffet at the Tropicana, and they let me in for kid’s price. And then the Omlette chef made me the cutest little omelette with onions and eggs, and he used non fat spray on the pan instead of butter. It was great. We got into a conversation about my surgery, then another girl in line started talking about her cousin who had the surgery, etc... It was really neat.

We came home on Sunday and then I got an earache on Monday. Monday night I took some Tylenol w/codine. I got sooo buzzed so fast. That was fine, I don't mind buzzed. I went to sleep and woke up an hour later in horrible pain. I couldn’t breathe. I ended up being in pain for several hours, then got very dizzy and sick. I went back to sleep and when I woke up I felt fine. Until I got out of bed. As soon as I moved, the room started spinning, I felt like I was drunk. I got sick to my stomach, and it just got worse from there. I tried to drive the kids to school. HUGE MISTAKE. I ended up stuck on the side of the road, with Amanda in the car. I was throwing up and in horrible pain, and so dizzy. My brother came and got me and took me home. I threw up a few more times and then I passed out. I fell asleep from 9:30am until 2:30pm. That was Tuesday. It is now Thursday and I still hurt, my stomach just aches all over. I feel queasy all the time. I don’t know what is going on. Dan keeps saying “Call UCLA”. I don’t want to. I’m hoping it is a flu bug of some sort and I just want to wait it out a few days. I’m on clear fluids today, to see if that helps. But I feel sick even drinking that.

7/12/005: Things for me have been really good lately. I feel great. I am wearing smaller clothing and feeling healthier and just better about myself. My self esteem is rising every day. I feel sexy and fun at home with my husband and it is really nice to feel that way again. I have not had any more problems with food. I am able to eat a larger variety of foods, as long as I watch the fat intake I am fine. I even had a little alcohol and had no problems with it. I did however, find out that I do dump!!!! I got a Non Fat Frozen Yogurt at Costco, and about 1/2 way through it, I got light headed, my heart was racing, I was dizzy. It lasted about 20-30 minutes and then I was fine. So now I know that I dump on sugars.

My sweet friend Mike Hanvey, who had his surgery on June 7th is back in the hospital with major complications. My heart just breaks thinking of what he is going through, and his family. I am so worried about him and his family. The support and love that has come from the OH community is simply overwhelming and inspiring. I hope and pray that Mike can feel the love, care, and concern. I am going to try and see if he will be up for visitors in a few days. I sure hope he'll be ok soon.

7/13/05: HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAN!!!! Today is my wonderful husband's birthday! I love that man so much! I think I am more in love with him today than I was when we met 13 years ago.

Today is a good day. Mike H. is doing better! Yipee! I was so scared and worried for him. I can't wait until he is out of the hospital. He is off his oxygen and getting some rest. I remember how annoying the oxygen and monitors were! His sweet wife is so strong and supportive. I wish I could do something more to help them out.

My other angelette - Alisha is out of surgery and doing great! She is walking and sipping and feels good. I am so thrilled for her!

And I finally lost another pound! I am now at 261 lbs. I have a little bit of a blockage problem so that doesn't help the weight loss. Hee Hee, maybe once I finally go to the bathroom I'll be in the 250's! Wouldn't that be great!

This Friday I'll be going to a bachelorette party. It will be so much fun. We are going to a male strip club in Hollywood. I haven't had a "girl's only" night out in a really long time. I bought a new top to wear with my nice size 22 jeans! It cracks me up to be excited to buy clothes.

I have a support group meeting on Saturday, which is always good. I will dearly miss my friend Leann who won't be there. Her MIL passed away and they are having a reception for her.

I am so amazed by the love and support of the people on this board. People who I have never met in person, but I feel like I know them so well.

7/19/05: Not much is new with me today. My friend Mike H. is home from the hospital and I actually got to speak with him on Saturday! I am so relieved that he is doing better. I will continue to pray for him and his family so hopefully he will make a full recovery and be back in action soon.

I had a lot of fun at the bachelorette party on Friday night. I found out that I can for sure drink alcohol! That is a good thing for me. I don't drink much, or often, but I do like to have a few drinks every now and then. I am trying to find something to wear to my friend's wedding on Saturday, it is so hard. I just don't know what I like, plus we can't afford to spend a lot of money right now. Trying not stress about $, but that is a whole nother issue. I just got a raise at work, which is awesome! Dan is mad that now I make more than he does! Ha! But it sucks because he hasn't had a raise at his work in a really long time. I just don't understand how companies can not give raises on a consistent basis. It is very frustrating especially with 3 kids and a mortgage, etc.... I swear we need a miracle to make it through the next year! Maybe if I lose enough weight I can make some extra money as a stripper. No, don't think we'll ever be that desperate. Might be fun though. Just kidding. Or am I???? So anyways, I don't know if I really want to spend money on a new dress right now. I also need shoes and a hair cut, so I guess I'll just wait and see.

Oh the best news is I got tickets to see Tim McGraw and also tickets to see Faith Hill! I am so excited. I got extra tickets for both so hopefully I can re-sell some and make some money.

Well, that is all for now.

7/24/05: Yesterday a close friend of mine got married and I helped her plan and put on her wedding. It was so much fun. It made me realize that I still do want to open my own wedding planning business. But I am better at the budget weddings than the big fancy shmancy weddings. I just love doing it. So far I've done it all for free, but I wouldn't mind making it a business. Well, maybe one day.

So I bought a new dress for the wedding and I got my hair cut pretty short compared to what it was. I felt like a million bucks! I was able to eat the mexican buffet food they had, I drank several drinks, and danced, danced, danced. I just felt good. It was so crazy, it was about 11pm and I was still dancing, and it just dawned on me that I had danced a lot, without stopping, and I was having fun, not out of breath, not tired, not winded, didn't need my inhaler, and I felt damn good! I even got my husband out there to dance with me and he was laughing and I think he had a good time. I was dancing with the groom, I was dancing with the bride, we were all bumping and grinding and having a ball.

Could it be that I really am on my way to a more normal life? It has seemed like such a fantasy all this time, like the mirage at the end of a long hot country road. But for once, I feel like maybe I got a glimmer of that oasis and it might just be real??? Holy crap! I might actually have a life ahead of me? Is it real or a dream to be this happy and feel this good?

I am now down to 256 lbs. I am 6 pounds away from matching the weight on my drivers license. I never even realized that that mattered to me, but it tickles the hell out of me. I have less than 100 pounds to go until my goal. WOW! I never thought I would be happy to have 94 pounds to go to goal, but considering I had 162 pounds to go to my goal when I started this journey last November, it is wonderful to me to have less than 100 pounds to go now! I will soon be out of the "Morbidly Obese" category and that just stops me in my tracks. You mean I might not die from being a fat slob any more? I might have a chance to live a normal and God willing, long life? For me the term "Morbidly Obese" has always scared the crap out of me. I am not saying it is right, but in my mind that was saying to me, you are obese and fat and because you couldn't stop yourself from getting fat, it is going to kill you. It is not a matter of "IF" it is only a matter of "WHEN". So in my mind if I can get out of that category, then I will not die from being overweight. Like I said, I don't know if it is right or wrong, (and I will find out) but this is my brain's logic and how I feel.

08/08/05: Well things are going very well for me. I had my first real WOW moment last week. My husband was gone on a business trip, and I was folding the laundry and just decided to try on his pants and THEY FIT!!! It was so much fun. I have lost 69 pounds so far and I feel so great. I went shopping and bought some size 18/20 pants. I could not believe they fit. They were tight, yes, but they fit. I also got some size 20 stretchy jeans, and they were tight, but fit. It is amazing. I feel really good, and the better I feel the happier I am. The happier I am, the better I feel. It is out of control.

I am not having any problems with the foods I am eating. The problem I am having is remembering to eat, or eating enough food during the day. I am also not doing too well on my water and exercise.

The summer is passing so fast. Jessie will be going to Washington to visit her Mom for a week. Amanda and Shayna will be starting at their new school soon. Shayna's first pre-school. Amanda starts kindergarten. I can't believe how much they are growing. I still struggle daily with the desire to have another baby. I know I can't, but the desire is so strong some days.

We are taking the kids to see Dora the Explorer - Live on Saturday. That should be fun. I am anxious to see how I fit in the seats at the Kodak Theater.


8/15/05: I have been going to support groups for a long time, about 6 months prior to my surgery in May. I have been here on the boards and I consider myself to be a fairly well educated WLS patient.

Now, knowing that, I had heard a lot and read a lot about people confronting their past, their demons, and what caused them to become overweight and even obese. For me, it was always one of those things that just happens to other people, not to me. Why? Because I am "normal" there is nothing wrong with me emotionally. I was only 322 pounds because I just like food.

Well guess what? WRONG!!!! This realiziation hit me like a brick wall this weekend as I confronted my past that I thought was not a big deal.

I had dinner on Friday night with two of my best friends from high school. One of them I have only seen 1 time since high school and that was 11 years ago. I graduated from high school 21 years ago. This one friend was my closest friend. Our birthdays are 2 days apart and we were inseparable. I was a very depressed teenager and my weight was my biggest insecurity. In 12th grade this friend broke off our friendship and told me she'd always love me but could no longer handle my moods, my depression and my low self esteem. It was bad. I was very hurt at the time. And actually to this day I still cry when I remember what happened. Well we've been in touch via email for several years. We have never spoken about the past. I don't blame her for pushing me away, a teenager can only handle so much, and I actually respect her for having the courage to tell me to get help (which I never did).

I have put off seeing her for almost 5 years. I never had the strength or courage to do it. I was scared. Scared of rejection again. Scared I'd say the wrong thing and we'd be back to 12th grade again. I couldn't go through that again.

Well now I have the strength to do it. And we had a wonderful time on Friday, we realized that our lives have eerily paralleled each others over the years, eventhough we were not in touch. We both have the exact same wedding day (same date, same year) and we both have daughters named Shayna. It is really strange.

So Saturday morning I was getting ready to go to my support group meeting and as I'm curling my hair, I just started crying. It all just hit me. I felt like I had confronted my past, I had finally accepted everything about me, and was willing to walk through that door, and be me. Just me. It is a very vulnerable state to be, but so liberating at the same time. I cannot fully explain in words how I feel or why this particular event triggered such emotions.

It is not the amount of weight that I have lost or will lose. It is so much more. I guess it is a combination of things, like the control that I have over my life. I am not controlled by food, by fear, by anything.

I don't care as much about what other people say or do. I hope that will improve as time goes by. It is funny, because society isn't changing, it is me that is changing. There will always be rude and insensitive people, but I just don't care anymore. They are the ones to be pitied, not me.

I have self esteem, I have self acceptance, and I feel good about my life and the choices I'm making. I feel empowered, and liberated. So when people say that this surgery is a tool, they are so right. This tool helps in all aspects of my life, not just my eating. Eating is only a small part of the picture. I don't know if I would have ever come this far emotionally without the help of the surgery, and the wonderful support I have found both on OH and in my support group.

I feel like I have come full circle and I am finding the ME that I once enjoyed being.

I know that I have probably only hit the tip of the iceberg, and am sort of excited and apprehensive about what other suprises my psyche has instore for me because I know I am not nearly done healing.


I have been having dizziness problems lately and I found out at my support group that I might be dehydrated and possibly have low blood pressure. I will be seeing my PCP this week and also I have my 3 months follow up at UCLA on the 19th.

We went to see Dora the Explorer at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood. We took the train, (subway). It was the kids first train ride. It was fun, until the homeless heroin addict sat behind me and my daughter Amanda. She was disgusting and had some sort of infection and it was just gross. Thank goodness my husband and brother (police officer) were sitting across from me and were watching her with eagle eyes. We got off at the next stop 2 minutes later. My sister in law was joking that we should have gotten a picture with the junkie so the kids could remember their first train ride! Hollywood was crowded and full of wierdos, but it was fun. We saw Kobe Bryant at the Dora show, he was there with his wife and daughter. Security was very tight and he was ushered out the side door.

8/17/05: I am officially no longer MORBIDLY OBESE. Yipee!!! I am now down to 252, which is 70 pounds gone! My BMI is 39.5. I am thrilled.

Last night I went to see Faith Hill at the Pantages theatre in Hollywood. It was so much fun. Tim McGraw opened for her and I was soooo excited. He was great, she was great, they were great together. I can't believe how good the show was.

Today I see my OB to try and get some sort of birth control. I can't take the pill anymore so we'll see what he says. I'm anxious to see what my weight was last year when I had my appointment.

Friday I have my 3 month check up with UCLA so I'm excited for that too. And Saturday I am going to the Hollywood Bowl to see Natalie Cole. It will be a "date" with my husband, so it should be a great time. We are bringing a bottle of wine, and plan to have a romantic evening.


8/22/05: Friday I had my 3 month Post Op check up with Dr. Dutson at UCLA. I felt so good. I am down 75 pounds!!! I still can't believe it. I also got to meet my Angelette - Ericka! She met me near UCLA and we sat and talked for about an hour. It was so wonderful to finally meet her. She looks amazing!

I went shopping on Saturday and bought 4 pairs of jeans, size 20! I colored my hair on Friday and it turned out kind of funky pink. Not what I was going for. I re-colored it with Dark Brown so now it looks better, kind of dark brown with burgundy. It is a lot darker than what I'm used to, but I like it.

My husband is sick, but we still went to see Natalie Cole. She sang our song, the very first song she opened with. It was so nice. I got sick on Saturday afternoon from something I ate on Friday, and it got worse on Sunday. I felt like crap and the pain was horrible. I'm doing better today. Even in pain, I still took the stairs instead of the escalator - just because I can. I walked up the hills at the Hollywood Bowl - because I can. I ran up the big hill on the side of the Bowl - because I can. It feels so good. My brother said something so sweet to me. He said "I was walking by you guys and I didn't even recognize you - you look so small" That made me feel so good. I see the difference in me in photos, but I still don't feel thinner. I feel like my same self. I know I am buying smaller clothes, but I feel the same. I look at my before and current pictures and I can see the difference. I was a ball before. Now I look like a normal person. Wait, did I just say normal? Wow.


8/29/05: This has been an interesting week. My whole family was really sick. My kids got some sort of flu that started with vomiting and then turned into a cold. I got it too, but not as severe as them. Dan has been sick for over 3 weeks now. He has been to the doctor 3 times. He ended up in Urgent Care on Saturday because he couldn’t breathe. He has pneumonia. They also found some black spots on his lungs. They don’t know what it is yet. They said that they don’t think it is cancer because that usually looks different. At this point they are calling it a Chronic Lung Condition due to some sort of exposure. They don’t know to what. They are sending the x-rays to a lung specialist and a radiologist to review them. We should hear something today or tomorrow. They may put him off work. He can’t sit up for more than an hour without being in complete pain. So I’m trying to be strong and hold it all together and not freak out, but I am so worried about him. He is my life, my love, my rock, and I just can't bear the thought of him being in pain and sick, let alone anything worse. I am an emotional wreck right now inside, but I'm doing a good job of holding it inside and not letting him know how worried I am. I think I'm more scared than worried. I'm scared of the unknown.

I haven't felt much like posting on the boards lately. I just feel so sad inside that I don't know what to say to people. I just want to keep to myself I think. I'm so consumed with worry right now, I can't even concentrate on my work or anything. Oh, and I'm down to 244 lbs, which means -78 lbs.

8/30/05: Last night wasn't a good night for my husband. He is going to see his doctor today. Part of me hopes they just admit him to the hopsital until they can run all their tests and figure out what is going on, but I know he would hate that. He is so sick. He has lost about 15 pounds in the past 2 weeks. I am trying to stay positive. I hope he doesn't read this, at least not right now, because I don't want him to know how worried I am. Hopefully we'll know something later today.

9/1/05: Dan did get worse, but the doctors have a plan. On Tuesday they gave him 4 more medications and told him to come back on Thursday (which is today), and if he wasn't feeling better they'd admit him to the hospital. He is actually at the doctor's office right now. He did sleep the past 2 nights, which he desperately needed. I think he is doing a little bit better. He is off work for 2 weeks. They don't seem concerned about the black spots on his lungs, at least not right now. They want to deal with the infections he has and the pneumonia, and then they'll re-do the xrays in a few months and see if there is something else going on.

Lynn suprised me by posting a shout out for support for me. I was so surprised and touched by her kindness. I didn't tell her what was going on, she just read my profile and found out. Everyone that posted to my support page really made me feel good, and like people do care. I know Dan will be ok, I firmly believe that now.

One of the reasons I didn't post anything was because I felt that my worries are trivial compared to the horrible devastation that has occured and is continuing in Louisiana & Mississippi. My heart is just breaking over the loss of homes, lives and livlihoods. I wish I could just go down there and take a family home with me and give them a fresh start. I would take in a family in a heartbeat. But we are so far away. It is so easy to just go about my day, buy my Starbucks, and drink a bottle of ice cold water, relax in my air conditioned home, take a nice warm shower and sleep in my nice soft bed, while these poor people have nothing. No food, no water, no diapers or formula for the babies, no showers, no clean clothing, nothing! I am so distraught for these people and I feel that I can't do anything to help. Yes I will donate what money I can to the Red Cross, but I just don't feel it is enough. I have tons of dreams and ideas in my head of what I wish I could do, but the cold plain fact is that I cannot do any of it. I won't leave my job and my family to drive 2000 miles to help people I don't know. And I feel guilty for that.

9/9/05: The entire nation has been in shock for over a week. There are still people stranded in New Orleans. The flood waters are finally receding. The water that is left is a toxic cess-pool (sp?) and the risk of disease is imminent. I feel so much for these people. The need for help is staggering. So many people are homeless, jobless, and without the basic necessities for day to day living. The Red Cross and FEMA and many other relief organizations are helping the best they can. I have donated money to the Red Cross and will continue to see what else I can do to help.

Dan is still sick. He is better though. His pneumonia is clearing up and he is slowly gaining strength and energy. He'll be off work at least one more week. I fee so releived that the worst is over.

I'm going to an OH Lunch tomorrow in Simi Valley with Erin, Len, Leann, Michele, Lynn and so many others. I can't wait to meet everyone. It will be awesome. I hope I don't forget my camera.

So my kids started school this week. What an emotional thing for me. Amanda started Kindergarten and Shayna started preschool. They both are enjoying it very much. There was a traumatic (for me) moment earlier this week when the day care forgot to pick up Amanda after Kindergarten, but it was rectified quickly and she was never scared or upset, only Mommy was. The nights have been hard because the kids are over tired and worn out, especially because Amanda is adjusting to no naps now, so they go into meltdown. We need to adjust their bedtime to 8pm instead of 9pm. We need to change our whole routine now, which is not a bad thing.


9/15/05: Well my daughters have been in school for a week now and everything is going well. They are adjusting, I am adjusting and it is going good. Last weekend I had the awesome opportunity to go to an OH Lunch in Simi Valley. I FINALLY got to meet some wonderful people who have been instrumental in my journey, who have supported me, encouraged me and befriended me. I met Len, Lynn, Michele, Keri, Jennifer, Ann Marie, Judy, Kim and I got to spend some time with my dear friends Leann and Debbi. It was just a wonderful afternoon that ended too quickly. I can't wait to see them all again.

So I am on Jury Duty this week. It is interesting but I don't get paid for it, my husband is on disability and hasn't gotten paid for weeks so we are really in a bad spot. It sucks that because these people couldn't resolve their differences and work it out, I am the one who can't pay my mortgage or feed my kids this week. Well I'm exaggerating there, but I did borrow money so that I could feed my kids. What blows me away is so many people I have talked to say that they just don't respond when they get a Jury Duty notice. I cannot imagine doing that. Maybe I am too much of a goody two shoes.

My weight i

7/30/04 I had an appointment with my PCP. She thinks that WLS would be a good idea for me. She will put in a referral to get a consulation with a surgeon. She warned me not to get my hopes up. She also thinks I have a Ventral Hernia and is putting in a referral to see a surgeon about that

8/5/04 Received the authorization for the Hernia consultation. I have an appointment set on 8/9/04.

8/6/04 Received the authorization for a consultation for Gastric Bypass Surgery with UCLA.

8/9/04 Called UCLA and they gave me the website for information and procedures to get a consultation.

8/9/04 I downloaded the questionnaire and filled it out and then faxed it back to UCLA along with a copy of my referral and my insurance ID Card.

8/9/04 I had my appointment regarding my Ventral hernia and the Dr. isn¡¦t sure if I have a hernia or not. He referred me to have a CT Scan.

8/12/04 I received a postcard from UCLA saying they had received my questionnaire and that I need to wait 3 weeks to receive a consultation date.

8/23/04 I had the CT Scan and made a follow up appointment with the Dr.

8/25/05 GOOD NEWS! The Dr. says that there is no hernia. He feels I do have a ripped abdominal muscle and that there is nothing that can be done for it until I lose weight. He feels that I would be a good candidate for WLS.
9/10/04 I received a letter from UCLA with a consultation appointment date and time. It is for 11/22/04 With Dr. Dutson. I need to schedule a psychotherapist evaluation before then and bring all my recent lab results.

9/14/04 I called Dr. Mimi Hunter who is the referred psychotherapist and have an appointment on 10/12/04.

10/12/04 I had my Psych Evaluation today with Dr. Mimi Hunter of UCLA. She was very nice and I felt very comfortable with her. I think it went well and I don't think I said anything to make her think I'm too looney to have the surgery. She did suggest that I need to find out why I overeat at meals and she suggested that I go to Overeaters Annonymous and get a book on behavior modification. I am not thrilled about this, but I'll do whatever it takes to learn better habits. Now I just have to get all my stuff together for my Surgeon consultation on 11/22. That is the appointment I am nervous about. I just don't know what to expect. Will I get approved? Will they make me go through hoops? I know I will have to lose a certain amount of weight, and go to some mandatory classes, and that is ok. The other unknown part is what worries me.

11/20/04: I went to my first Support Group Meeting and sat quietly for the most part just listening to everyone else talk and kind of digested a lot of information. I met a few wonderful people and felt extremely comfortable and welcome. I met Leann there and she just had her surgery a couple of weeks prior at UCLA so she was extremely helpful telling me what to expect on Monday and throughout the rest of the pre-op process. Now I need to pick her brain about the Post-Op.

11/22/04: I went to the Surgery Consult with my husband Dan. The appointmetn was at 7:45am at UCLA. We met with Dr. Dutson and were extremely impressed by his knowledge and easy going manner. It turns out that I don't have another hernia, he felt my tummy and immediately diagnosed me as having a Fatty Lipoma and he said it can be removed during my surgery. He said that I meet all the physical criteria and he wants me to lose 16 lbs, and get some blood tests done, an EKG, and a chest x-ray. Then we met with Debbie who is the Bariatric Program Coordinator and she went over the information and the importance of following all instructions. She scheduled me for classes in February and said if I am on target with my weight loss, then she would schedule me to have my surgery in early March!!!! Holy Moly!!!! I guess that means that I am approved!!!! Yipee!!!!! So now comes the real work, to lose the weight on my own. I am kind of excited to do it. Starting weight is 322. BMI 50.4.

12/2/04: Things are going well. I am doing remarkably well on my diet routine. I am drinking a lot of water about 60 ounces a day. I am walking a lot and eating only protein drinks, protein bars, and one small meal a day. I feel really good for the first time in a long time. I don't know if I trust my scale at home, but according to it I have lost 8 pounds in a week and a half. That is half way to the 16 pound requirement!!!! I am very excited. I know I need to keep the weight off so I am not going to get too excited here. It will need to stay off up through my pre op consultation which won't be until January some time.

12/7/04: I decided to buy a new scale yesterday, so I got a nice digital one that is supposed to be ultra accurate. I got on it this morning and it said 310.8 which means I am down 12 pounds!!!! I am so happy. I have an appointment with my PCP on Dec. 15th to do an official weigh in and then fax the results over to Debbie at UCLA. If she thinks I am on target, then she said she'll go ahead an schedule my surgery for early March! I finish my education classes on 2/22/05, so the surgery could be any day after that. I am very nervous about the first 12 months post op. I feel confident that I can handle the long term, knowing I can eat whatever I want but in moderation (hopefully my tummy will cooperate with that plan). I am getting ready for the holidays and enjoying the time with my kids.

12/10/04: This time of year is always wonderful because I love to see the joy on my daughters faces with the excitement of all the decorations and holiday fun. I am still a kid at heart so I get into it too.

12/13/04: I just have to write about what an amazing man I married. We have been together for 12 years and have been married for 7. He continues to amaze me with his love and support. Don't get me wrong, things aren't always a bed of roses, especially because we both have pretty sharp thorns at times, but we love each other so much and so unconditionally. We haven't had a lot of "us" time lately, well for about 4 1/2 years since the first baby came. Now we have a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old so by the time things are done at night, the kids are bathed, fed and in bed, I am exhausted and usually watch a little TV or just go to bed while my hubby stays up on the computer for a while. So this makes my wonderful night even more amazing to me. We actually sat and talked for quite a while, like we used to. Not about the kids, but about us. I just opened up to him and expressed a lot of my fears about the surgery, the risks, after the surgery, my recovery, my eating, my fears that he will leave me, that he won't want to deal with my emotions, my moods, my unveiling so to speak. I told him there are a lot of layers to unravel. He just told me that he loves me for who I am, not what I look like, and he will be there with me all the way, layer by layer, and he thinks I am beautiful now, and looks forward to going through this whole thing with me. I just melted. Sigh. Still in love.

12/16/04: I had a check up with my regular doctor yesterday to get my current weight. I am down to 308. She faxed the results to UCLA so I am hoping that they will feel that a 14 pound loss is "on target" to losing the needed 16 pounds. I guess I just have more waiting to do.

12/22/04: I have lost 2 more pounds so I am now down the full 16 pounds as required by UCLA. I am just waiting for that surgery date. I went to another Support group meeting and I had a good time. I love to hear other people's experiences and thoughts.