Insecurity

Jun 06, 2021

I said that quietly not responding just listening to the group of people around me. I have an opportunity to go to a social event in which mingling would be beneficial for my job. Unfortunately my insecurity set in. what if I say the wrong thing? What if I do the wrong thing? I know the what if's are getting me worried so I try to ignore the negative thoughts. The time is come for the meeting to begin I back out. This is normal for me the insecurity of knowing but I am the larger person in the room. If I'm forced to be in that situation and A meal Is being served I'm cautious tonight try attention to what I eat. Even after the gastric bypass I'm concerned about being watched as I eat. It's not that I don't eat healthy it's not that I over proportion on my plate. It's the mental fear the people are watching and judging. I know it shouldn't be that way, but I cautiously take a small bite at a time. This time was different I couldn't even approach the situation. I chose not to go. Besides I realize that I was supposed to be dressed up so now The anxiety has doubled. I leave to prepare for the next part of the event and I attempt to find clothing that is appropriate. I try on differential  dresses different skirt different tops. Some small, Some are tight, Others are too short and the remainder just don't look great. Off with that top on with the skirt try on this dress pull off those pants. It repeats off with that top on with the skirt try on this dress pull off those pants. Each time I change I feed my self doubt. Finding it top and doing my hair I feel like I can at least go without feeling insecure.

Now I reentered the meeting to realize I'm late. My heart begins to pound and I start sweating at the brow. I have to walk in front of the crowd just to find my seat in the back of my mind imagine people watching me every step that I take. I can't believe this fear is here again. I know that I should be proud of all if accomplished so far. I can't wait to Reestablish my self-worth.

I don't expect a revision of my surgery to change all these doubts. I believe that I am more aware because I have gained the weight back. There's also that fear that I won't accomplish what I want. The idea of others knowing that I need to redo this again.This all scares me, But it won't let it hold me back. It's time for my surgery I don't want to back out. I know it's normal to feel this way. I'm hoping to see the new me at the end.

Unlike the first surgery, I have a vision of what I want to be. I have a goal of 180 and I have a goal to find that sexy lingerie. I'm gonna walk in a room and hold my head high regardless of the weight loss I've come so far! 

4 comments

Wait what? Really ????????????

May 24, 2021

A new chapter of my book.. 

I guess I would be lying if I said that I wasn't nervous but then again, I am excited. But for most Part I can say I am surprised. I got a phone call today saying that my surgery was approved and they wanted to schedule me for next week. Due to my work schedule I won't be having the surgery until June 30.

It really did surprise me how quickly this is occurring. But on the other hand I am very excited to move forward. My husband and I spoke about it tonight and just like he was when I had the gastric bypass his expressed Concern about the possible risks.

I know I can expect anybody or everybody to understand my willingness to subject myself to risks. In my mind if I don't do this I am more at risk. Having someone go through the journey with me is important. My husband has actually told me that I need to do whatever makes me happy and he will be supportive. But I really don't like to make people worry.

I haven't considered talking to my mom or my children yet. I'm not really sure why I'm hesitant about telling my kids as they were very supportive on the first surgery. However my mom is a different story. I know that she'll judge me and she will disagree with the surgical outcome of a DS.

It's interesting to me how a lot of my negative body perception was established from childhood. My mom has always been concerned and wrapped up in the idea of losing weight and encouraging me since fifth grade to lose weight.

Don't get me wrong she meant well. However she is still at her age very concerned about her Calorie in-take. She projects her worries and past failures Onto my personal journey.

This relationship became extremely obvious to me when my mother decided to tell my 11-year-old daughter to get on the scale. It wasn't until then that I realized how much my mom's projection I had influenced The way that I looked at my own body.

I guess I share this because I am nervous about her perspective, even though I know it is toxic to my success. I feel more confident than I did with the gastric bypass. But that doesn't change my concern about being hurt by her And others judgment. 
I keep reiterating to myself that this is about me and not others. For the first time I believe that I actually have a goal In mind. When I had the gastric bypass initially , I couldn't even envision I'll be excited about weight loss. I felt like none of it was possible . 

When my husband asked me if it would make me happy, I needed to reflect on my response. Will losing weight make me happy? I'm not sure that I can honestly say it is the source of our happiness. I think it's more of giving myself the recognition and kindness that I have been afraid to allow myself to feel. I know that Establishing the self-worth will be a contributing factor to Allowing myself grace and knowing that this will not happen overnight. This is a new beginning with hard work. Although I may slip or mess up my attempts, the most important part is moving forward. So when I ask myself will this bring me happiness? I have to admit but it's not an immediate Reward but rather a slow process of excepting my experiences.

With all these feelings and emotions, I know that I'm going through what most people experience at this time. But even with that insecurity I am privately excited. And maybe that's the part that I need to be honest with myself. Why keep all this hidden? This is a choice that I am making and I am proud that I am able to focus on my own needs. I've always been a giver and it's very rare that I am a taker and that I acknowledge my own wants.

These are baby steps on Learning how to be proud of my own accomplishments and to give myself Credit for what I have achieved. I need to keep reminding myself that it is OK to be excited. It's OK to be happy. It is OK to share my feelings with others. 
I don't have any intention to spread the word quickly. But I do have a focus. I am working on being comfortable within my own skin and I am finding ways to share my internal excitement with Grace. 
I find it hilarious that I have written so much in such a short time. This tells me that I am willing to open up and find the healing that I need to move forward. I hope to Connect with others that I've gone through this journey as I know that I will need support.

4 comments

Here I am again..

Apr 02, 2021

This isn't a easy fate but determination will lead me.  I had a gastric bypass in 2010. I started at 314 and got down to 260. For the next 8 years I maintained from 260-270. This last year everything changed. I have gained 12 lbs and I have been frustrated with myself. I started to walk and drink more water but it wasn't enough to get my body restarted. Today my surgeon suggested I do a revision- the duodenal switch. I told him I know I need help but I feared the insurance would deny it.

This fear is not new. From the time of my gastric bypass I have had a difficult time focusing on  my a goal. It has been fear that limited me . However I'm almost 50 and I need to take care of myself.

I am reaching bout for support - if you are able to offer support please respond. 

9 comments

Let's get back to ME!

Jan 20, 2018

Even the sound of this blog title makes my body cringe inside! The concept of putting my needs first has always been difficult for me. But I know it is essential! I have jumped back into the mental perception: " If I don't take care of myself I will not be able to help others!" Now I know it should be based on more self-worth, but I can't seem to find worth to be motivational. ( and yes I realize that is an unhealthy self-perception, I am working on!)

This last week I have made some changes and plan to continue with them. I drink more water than I ever have, I intentionally pay attention to what, when and how much I put into my mouth. I have kept the positive mantra that I need to focus on me! 

Dinner time:

I work most days but I do cook meals in the evenings I am home. If it was only me, then I  think I would be easier for me to just fix my proportions and making protein a priority. BUT that is not the case... dinner is also for my family. In the past, we have several people at home, and now it is only three. A teenager, my husband, and I. All of us have a genetic deposition to diabetes. ( My husband has been diagnosed and my daughter is overweight.) 

My natural tendency is to please others, so finding an agreement on meals is difficult! I have been told that I am the cook, so they should eat what I serve. That is easy for my daughter, but it is not easy for my husband. I feel this need to make him happy, but I know his food choices are not healthy, and I already despise cooking. Therefore, resentment builds up, when I search and try to find healthy approaches but the meal is not eaten or appreciated. 

What should be our bonding and social time, turns to me quickly finishing my meal, and sitting there watching him mindlessly eating large proportions. The gluttony of others has become a heart-wrenching disgust in my mind. I feel terrible that I have the thoughts of disgust about someone else's concerns for food. However, I am sure it is because I see myself in the process. I know my husband doesn't want to be unhealthy and yet he continues. I Know I have done the same thing, and yet it is SO hard for me to set the boundaries for the family meals I cook!

 I question my reasons for not just fixing smaller, healthier proportions for my husband, and then I realize it is a co-dependency that I need to change about myself. I am ready to change, and in order to be successful, I need to not worry about the perceptions of others! " It's all about me!"

Just the thought of that phrase, " It's all about me." seems so hypocritical from empathetic mindset, but Logically I know it has to happen in order for me to see my worth. I know this type of thought process does not help with my weight loss, and I am working on changing my thought patterns. So daily have been trying to remember, this is getting back to the real ME! 

 

 

1 comment

4 years out and 2 years lost

Oct 22, 2014

Returning to a supportive group   

I just realized the last time I posted was in 2011. A lot has happened since then- I have graduated with another Master's Degree.

I am still working full-time and I am attempting to regain my focus on me.

 I  don't know exactly what happened to my weight, but I have re-gained 40 lbs since my last post. I can make every excuse in the book but that would not matter. What does matter is that I keep taking care of me. I have been meeting with a counselor, I met with a dietitian and I have been keeping up my surgeon in on my concerns. I am frustrated, and have been dealing with depression again. I do not see this as a failure, but an experience to learn from. 

My surgeon has offered another option, as he knows I have been putting forth my efforts. I am not sure what my plans will be- revision or not, but something has to change.

However, without putting myself down- I know there are things I can do and I DON'T.   I don't know why I don't exercise, I always feel better when I do- But I don't make it a priority. I don't know why I  crave chocolate and find myself sneaking it like a child hiding the cookie.  I don't know why I find it hard to look at myself and appreciate what I have accomplished. I am making mistakes that cause difficulty- eating carbs occasionally seems to be an easy habit to get back into. Typically I don't drink anything when I eat, but I am not sure that I wait the 30 minutes before and the 30 minutes after. I also know that I do not drink enough water.

If I think about it I know there are several things I can do. NOW just to get motivated again. 

 

1 comment

You look skinny...what are you doing?

Oct 18, 2011

The new words that come from the mouths of friends, family and co-workers. I have never been given this type of attention. Don't get me wrong, part of me has been craving that type of attention, but I do not like to be associated for my weight loss only. I know people mean well, but it becomes some what annoying, and depressing to be known as the person who had the gastric by-pass, or the lady who lost all that weight.

I have lost 86 lbs in a year!  This is an exciting event! It has been an easy road with no complications! I have absolutely no regrets. However, it is a life change. I have changed the way I eat , the way I look at food, the way I cook, the way I socialize, the way I interact with people, the way I look at the future. Theses are all positive results, but a new view of life in general.

I do not think...I KNOW I have not put forth the effort that I could to be fit. I lost this weight with primarily no exercises. I do not think this is healthy at all, but I have not trained or held myself to that standard. The weight loss slowed down in the last few months and I am sure it is because I do not exercise and I have been slacking on 'what' I eat.

THE WAY I EAT....
I work full time,and rarely take time to eat. So breakfast and lunch usually are not the best for me. I try to stick to oatmeal,or cream of wheat for breakfast. EARLY.... 5 am. Hot tea, then coffee....
Lunch is usually beef jerky and a fruit, or Greek yogurt.
Dinner, depends on the nightly activities, being a mother of 2 athletic teenagers, and a 5th grader at home, I have to really work at making the meals in a timely manner and with all the nutrients I need.
I no longer eat...nor do I feel neglected ---as I do not eat ice cream, milk (  very little on a rare occasion),carbonated drinks of any sort, carbohydrates-- bread, pancakes, waffles, etc.
I eat more vegetables, and fruit, meat and cheese than I ever did!  I have not been able to use any sweetener syrups in my drinks, for if i do.... bathroom here I come! This makes Starbucks and flavored teas a little different when ordering.

THE WAY I LOOK AT FOOD...
As I grew up, food was at every event in our family. I would crave and  sneak chocolate from my dad's hiding spots, and I would make creations with the bare pantry my mom would leave.. as she was always dieting trying to serve fat free food or lessen our sugar intake.Sweets were a reward, it tasted good, it was only for special occasions, or when mom was slacking on her diet. 
Food was also my friend...not only did it taste good, it made me feel good, it gave me Independence.. it was something I could control. Or at least I thought....
Food then became my confusion... during the teenager years, I did not like to eat in front of others, I would eat very little at school, and if i did eat it was junk food. Again.. control... I could sneak the junk food at school, if there wasn't any at home.
Food then became my enemy...As I had kids cooking and eating became a forced issue. I had to feed the kids, I had to make sure my husband had the meals he liked. I had to learn to cook... not just what i wanted, but whatever was easiest and pleased everyone. I hated food... I hated meals.. it was the source of arguments at holidays, the source of disappointment when I couldn't get the recipe just right, the frustration when I was tired making everyone happy, my time consumer when I needed fill in the time, and my contentment when I was trying to sort things out.
Now... food is my energy... nothing more than that... I enjoy sweet flavors still chocolate! But I am satisfied with the boiled eggs, yogurt, and beef jerky. I recognize when I am using food for my contentment... (my emotional eating) and I try to make sure I don't hold my own mistakes as forever habits.
THE WAY I COOK...
I don't cook a whole lot different then I use to, I just monitor my own intake more. It seems to be difficult to cook meals for my family and myself, so i just cook as I normally do, but supplement my own meals. I think I need to work on this, as this life change is also meant to teach my children the right way to eat. What kind of  teacher am I, if let them eat whatever they want.
THE WAY I SOCIALIZE...
Meals were the center of the entertainment in my family when I grew up. I did not change this mind set with my own children. Birthdays meant cake, friends over meant BBQs, Anniversaries meant expensive meal out... celebrations meant hot fudge sundaes.
Meals are no longer the reason to sit around a table and talk. I spend less time eating and more time socializing. Of course I eat less than most at the table... and I have to remind myself to chew, chew chew... I have changed the way I celebrate with my family.. doing more activities together rather than meals.
THE WAY I INTERACT WITH PEOPLE...
I feel that I am more assertive, and proud of myself. However, I am not use to the attention I get from familiar people and strangers. I never thought I would have a problem with the attention, but now I find it frustrating when strangers look at me and when familiar people continue to focus on my outer appearance. I have always been outgoing, but people do seem to take me more seriously now...sadly I do not think this is just my impression... I really believe there is a bias against the obese. This part hurts me... for I feel that for years I have been judged and I know others are judged.
THE WAY I LOOK AT THE FUTURE...
Being obese, I looked at my future in a oblique manner. Everything was a day by day process not ever focusing on the future, but surviving the day. The truth is, I didn't want to think about the future, because I was afraid I wouldn't be there. Now.. I have plans, there are things I could never do that i look forward to. I take more chances, as I feel God has given me an extra chance...why not enjoy things more.

My new life.. yes.. I am the NEW DEE... and I am glad I took a leap of faith. I did this for myself, and I continue to find reasons to love myself, this is the most important result of my surgery! What am I doing????          I AM LOVING MYSELF! 
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Stuck at 60....

Apr 14, 2011

Frustrated with myself, and the idea of being stuck at 60 lbs loss only!. I know this happens, but I am only at the 6 month timeline and I don’t understand how I will reach my goal at this rate. I realize I should be happy about the loss of 60lbs, but I think I was hoping for more aby the time I was 40….. I think I have reverted back to my old ways... not eating the way I should. I got excited when I was able to get rid of some clothes and I think it got to my head! So much... so... that I have not been focusing on my food intake like I should. I notice that I am not drinking enough water, and that is essential! I also notice that I am not eating as often as I should . Few more days... and I am going to be FORTY! UHG!!! I think I am just a little depressed about the milestones in my life! I will start again... tracking my food is important! I will have to make a special effort to be active…. These are my faults, I except them as my own… now I need to change them.
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passed the 50lb mark

Jan 11, 2011

hmmm well I have to be honest.. i love the new me. i just don't think I am taking this as seriously as i should. People are noticing the loss... but I have little perception of it. I know I need to post pics...that will help. I am not excercising like I should! This is suppose to be a life change....SO... DEENEWME...DO IT!
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Are you alright?

Nov 15, 2010

Things are going awesome! I have lost a total of 33lbs:) it has been one month as of Nov. 13th. I am estatic, but learning how to eat all over again is difficult. Breakfast and lunch seem to go just fine-- but sometimes dinner is a little harder. I can't quite eat chicken, fish or beef very well... it depends on the day. People are noticing the weight loss-- but they are also are paying attention to my eating style...:" can you eat that? Are you okay with that? Are you alright?"    It is very difficult to answer ... if i am sick...lol

I hear all these comments and feel helpless. I don't mean to not apperciate concerns, but I  am still learning on my own. The comments seem to make it harder. I am now seeing my habits that I have not admitted to until now. I can not deny it that I grab bites of food while cooking. I rush through my meals.. this is all something that i have to work on all the time. The evenings are definintly a learning experience. I am working paying attention to my body more, and following thru with my goals!

I apperciate the people on here, that have given me support. Without the input of people on here and reading posts, I woulld be lost! GROUP HUG!
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3 weeks out... 20lbs down

Nov 05, 2010

 I met with the doctor for my 3 week meeting- I have lost 20lbs YEAH!
I can see it in my clothes, I can feel it when I sit at the desk.. sit in the car!
I feel the energy!              YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

I returned to work about 10 days after surgery. Other than being tired in the early evening,
I feel Great! Lunches are so easy now,but I do find it difficult to keep up on my water. Obviously I haven't had to go in to the hospital for dehydration-- but I know it isn't enough!
I go day to day not focusing on my positives. It is terrific to have a wonderful family that supports me. I get to hear my little girl tell me what is the healthy choice of food to eat
.

Going out to eat is an adventure.... I don't mind ordering one cup of soup, or side of yogurt, or a yam. I never finish what I order, but it is a good feeling to save money! I am learning what types of soft healthy foods I can eat and still join the family with out loose out on the relationship. I look a meals differnlty now, it is not about the food but the fellowship. I have more time to talk to my family and listen to thier stories, rather than focusing on my hunger. Don't get me wrong-- I can get hungry... but it is differnt now, and easy to satisfiy. Head hungry is something else I am trying to get to over. I fix food for my family and I won't be hungry but thier food looks good as I cook. I find myself reaching out for a bite, and realize.. hey I am not hungry, why do I keep grabbing food. Habit... Addiction... whatever you want to call it - I am working thru it.
 
People that know about the surgery, notice my weightloss and it makes me feel great! But I am not sure if others really notice yet. Gee... that sound so arrogant, but yes.. I want people to notice me!

I went to a support meeting-- although I would call it more informational. It was full of resources for the holidays and ideas to survive the holiday stress. However, no one really mentioned individual questions or concerns. I thought that their would be more time to share or exchange experinences, but then again... I can do it on here! I am learning as I go, teaching my family as I learn, and finding ways to make my life as healthy as possible!
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About Me
41.6
BMI
RNY
Surgery
10/13/2010
Surgery Date
Jun 11, 2010
Member Since

Friends 2

Latest Blog 18

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