Wait what? Really ????????????

May 24, 2021

A new chapter of my book.. 

I guess I would be lying if I said that I wasn't nervous but then again, I am excited. But for most Part I can say I am surprised. I got a phone call today saying that my surgery was approved and they wanted to schedule me for next week. Due to my work schedule I won't be having the surgery until June 30.

It really did surprise me how quickly this is occurring. But on the other hand I am very excited to move forward. My husband and I spoke about it tonight and just like he was when I had the gastric bypass his expressed Concern about the possible risks.

I know I can expect anybody or everybody to understand my willingness to subject myself to risks. In my mind if I don't do this I am more at risk. Having someone go through the journey with me is important. My husband has actually told me that I need to do whatever makes me happy and he will be supportive. But I really don't like to make people worry.

I haven't considered talking to my mom or my children yet. I'm not really sure why I'm hesitant about telling my kids as they were very supportive on the first surgery. However my mom is a different story. I know that she'll judge me and she will disagree with the surgical outcome of a DS.

It's interesting to me how a lot of my negative body perception was established from childhood. My mom has always been concerned and wrapped up in the idea of losing weight and encouraging me since fifth grade to lose weight.

Don't get me wrong she meant well. However she is still at her age very concerned about her Calorie in-take. She projects her worries and past failures Onto my personal journey.

This relationship became extremely obvious to me when my mother decided to tell my 11-year-old daughter to get on the scale. It wasn't until then that I realized how much my mom's projection I had influenced The way that I looked at my own body.

I guess I share this because I am nervous about her perspective, even though I know it is toxic to my success. I feel more confident than I did with the gastric bypass. But that doesn't change my concern about being hurt by her And others judgment. 
I keep reiterating to myself that this is about me and not others. For the first time I believe that I actually have a goal In mind. When I had the gastric bypass initially , I couldn't even envision I'll be excited about weight loss. I felt like none of it was possible . 

When my husband asked me if it would make me happy, I needed to reflect on my response. Will losing weight make me happy? I'm not sure that I can honestly say it is the source of our happiness. I think it's more of giving myself the recognition and kindness that I have been afraid to allow myself to feel. I know that Establishing the self-worth will be a contributing factor to Allowing myself grace and knowing that this will not happen overnight. This is a new beginning with hard work. Although I may slip or mess up my attempts, the most important part is moving forward. So when I ask myself will this bring me happiness? I have to admit but it's not an immediate Reward but rather a slow process of excepting my experiences.

With all these feelings and emotions, I know that I'm going through what most people experience at this time. But even with that insecurity I am privately excited. And maybe that's the part that I need to be honest with myself. Why keep all this hidden? This is a choice that I am making and I am proud that I am able to focus on my own needs. I've always been a giver and it's very rare that I am a taker and that I acknowledge my own wants.

These are baby steps on Learning how to be proud of my own accomplishments and to give myself Credit for what I have achieved. I need to keep reminding myself that it is OK to be excited. It's OK to be happy. It is OK to share my feelings with others. 
I don't have any intention to spread the word quickly. But I do have a focus. I am working on being comfortable within my own skin and I am finding ways to share my internal excitement with Grace. 
I find it hilarious that I have written so much in such a short time. This tells me that I am willing to open up and find the healing that I need to move forward. I hope to Connect with others that I've gone through this journey as I know that I will need support.


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Surgery Date
Jun 11, 2010
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