Jun 06, 2021
I said that quietly not responding just listening to the group of people around me. I have an opportunity to go to a social event in which mingling would be beneficial for my job. Unfortunately my insecurity set in. what if I say the wrong thing? What if I do the wrong thing? I know the what if's are getting me worried so I try to ignore the negative thoughts. The time is come for the meeting to begin I back out. This is normal for me the insecurity of knowing but I am the larger person in the room. If I'm forced to be in that situation and A meal Is being served I'm cautious tonight try attention to what I eat. Even after the gastric bypass I'm concerned about being watched as I eat. It's not that I don't eat healthy it's not that I over proportion on my plate. It's the mental fear the people are watching and judging. I know it shouldn't be that way, but I cautiously take a small bite at a time. This time was different I couldn't even approach the situation. I chose not to go. Besides I realize that I was supposed to be dressed up so now The anxiety has doubled. I leave to prepare for the next part of the event and I attempt to find clothing that is appropriate. I try on differential dresses different skirt different tops. Some small, Some are tight, Others are too short and the remainder just don't look great. Off with that top on with the skirt try on this dress pull off those pants. It repeats off with that top on with the skirt try on this dress pull off those pants. Each time I change I feed my self doubt. Finding it top and doing my hair I feel like I can at least go without feeling insecure.
Now I reentered the meeting to realize I'm late. My heart begins to pound and I start sweating at the brow. I have to walk in front of the crowd just to find my seat in the back of my mind imagine people watching me every step that I take. I can't believe this fear is here again. I know that I should be proud of all if accomplished so far. I can't wait to Reestablish my self-worth.
I don't expect a revision of my surgery to change all these doubts. I believe that I am more aware because I have gained the weight back. There's also that fear that I won't accomplish what I want. The idea of others knowing that I need to redo this again.This all scares me, But it won't let it hold me back. It's time for my surgery I don't want to back out. I know it's normal to feel this way. I'm hoping to see the new me at the end.
Unlike the first surgery, I have a vision of what I want to be. I have a goal of 180 and I have a goal to find that sexy lingerie. I'm gonna walk in a room and hold my head high regardless of the weight loss I've come so far!