the woman I desired to be

Nov 19, 2010

years and years ago my mother told me about a woman that she saw walking down the street, she told me that woman just glowed. She knew her as what they use to call a "nodding aquaintance" My mother was so impressed by this woman's peace, and that she just seemed to be lit up all the time... I remember thinking I wanted to be like that... I wanted to make that kind of impression on others, it was just a story that touched my heart.
I never forgot about that woman my mother told me about or my desire to be like her, but you know how life happens and you push stuff to the back burner, besides that stuff is not really something that you have any control over... it just is or its not.
I spent years sick and tired and getting more sick and more tired, at times even suicidal, the only thing keeping me going was my kids who I loved with my whole heart. And over the years I have learned more about life and happiness and forgiveness and all these things... I was learning to become more content where I was and to love and respect who I was, then I was approved for the surgery, and I had it.. and people have been telling me how good I look, but its not that I have lost weight that they remark on the most, its that I am lit up... they tell me I light a room... that I just shine... and every time someone says something like that I remember that woman my mother told me about and I want to cry... I have become the strong peaceful content happy woman I had desired to become all those many years ago... I feel it, and I cherish it...

The surgery is not what has brought  me to this place, I know that. But getting the surgery is the culmination of all that has gone before. The fact that I was able to stick it out though all the obsticals and trials, that I did not give up and give in when it got tough as I always seemed to in the past... all the lessons I have learned through out the years about myself and about life... everything I have ever been through... all the heart aches and all the joy... all of it has come to this.. I am becoming the woman I desired to be... I love my life... its not perfect, I am not perfect...crap happens all the time, but I know where I came from, and I know through what I came... I know the hard and rocky journey it took to get here and I know that there is still more to travel.
I am just so very greatful...for both the path I have walked and the one I have yet to travel. I am making the best of today and looking forward to what tomorrow brings...I am so excited.

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