Diana_T

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Wow it has been 5 yrs.   I am at 180-200 lbs.  I bounce back and forth.  it is frightening and makes me sad that i am not a size 4 but I feel good, my DM is under control.  I am wearing 14"s and 16's  I have had some stress and I tried to eat it away.  did not work.  Now I am gonna try to get it under cntrol. 

I am still here, still doing well, but feeling a bit scared, I have been under a lot of stress and I find myself eating more often, than I need to, I put on 2 lbs, and I know that is not life shattering, but I am scared none the less.  i do not want to ever be heavy like that again, I had someone say to me on Halloween, have you put a few pounds back on?  I was in a halloween costume, that was not flattering and the lady is an older, nutty person, who speaks without thinking, but I have been so stressed since then, I can hardly think straight.  Why do people even have the ability to talk!!!  i will never be over the feeling of being inadequate.  i will always see myself as a fat person.  Whay is that?  my husband says have the surgery to remove the extra skin, he thinks that will help, but will it?  I am considering seeing a councelor, does anyone think it will do any good?  I know know one reads this stuff, I just don't know what to do!

It is now 2 years since I was given the gift of a fighting chance.  I love my new life I even like my body again.  I am now weighing in at 153.  Instead of 332!  i still can not beleive I was as large as I was.  I look at photos of myself and get so emotional.  My friends and family continue to be supportive.  I have changed jobs.  I never would have had the courage to do so if I had not changed my body.  I am a confidant and succesful woman.  (my spelling still stinks, but oh well.  )

I am now wearing a comfortable size 12, I still wear a large top, because I don't like things snug, I do have some mediums that fit nice, but others buy them for me, I have not been able to pick up the ,ediums off the rack, is that weird???  i also had my husband forbid me to wear my 14s he says they are rediculous.  hah ha.  i do have a few 10s in dresses they fit fine, but I again just don't like the feel of fabric snug on my body. 

I did finally speak with a plastic surgeon i got his name from barix, he was so dear and I am actually excited about the thought of having the skin and flab removed.  he is confidant it will make a huge differance and it will be worth the "pain".  if anyone ever reads this syuff please let me knw. I feel sort of stupid rambleing on.  It is kind of cool to go back and look at what I have written.  my only exercise is walking and a crazy fun Zoomba class at work 2 nights a week.
i still feel like I should be doing more, but I just don't know how. 

I am just out of time and energy at the end of the day.  my mom broke her leg in 3 places cooking dinner on Christmas eve.  We will be helping her in her home for the next5 -6 months, she can not bear weight or move her leg for the next 3 months.  and then the fun part of rehab will begin.  The poor soul has a long road ahead.  I have no idea how we will get through this one.  but I know through the grace of God we will. 

Well it is ture, it is now August.  I was in Hawaii this time last year.  saying farewell to the old me, getting ready for my surgurey.  Now I am at the end of my easy weightloss time, I've been told and will now begin to struggle.  I weigh 198lbs. (down from 323) I am amazed when I look at the photo's of me on this sight.  I have come such a long way yet, I still feel like I will never reach my goal.  I really don't know what my goal is.  I have reached many of them.  I feel so much healthier, I am able to do so much more, yet I want even better for myself.  I have watched so many people do so much better than I did.  I should just be happy, but I still struggle with temptation.  If it wasn't for the fact that I know I could get sick, I would nort be able to do this.  
 My life at work is crazy busy, but It is much better in many ways.  So much has happened and changed there that It would take 3 pages to put it all down.  My family life is what is to be expected when you have teenagers.  My daughters are 17 and 20 soon to be 18 and 21.  I find my husband and I trying to hold on and get the last minute parenting in, like on their birthdays we will have no more influence and there is so much we have forgotten to instill.  It really is kind of crazy.  So many changes!
 

It is April and I am over at mom & dad's.  Daddy had another knee surgury and I am looking after grandma.  I am weighing in at 230lbs.  I am down 93 lbs.  That really amazes me.  I wear a comfortable 18 now in pants and I can wear a normal XL top.  I feel a little better, I haven't had low blood sugar, but I also haven't really exercised.  I know I need to do more.  I haven't taken the time, and I don't like to feel bad.  My job has been so stressful.  What I do for a living is wonderful and amazing, but I struggle with the words of my supervisor and the way she makes me feel about myself all the time.  I need to learn to deal with the frustration I feel the pre op Diana would have eatin' a pint of Ben and Jerry's and got on with life.  the post op Diana went shopping and bought new shoes, 3 pair.  Ha, Ha!  Well until next time keep smiling.

It has been a really long time.  Guess where I am I'm at my parents.  This seems to be the only place I have time to get on the computer.  i weighed last friday and I was at 248.  Not to terrific.  I know why I am platueing.  I have not been exercising.  I really need to talk to a life coach.  I have had really low blood sugars about 2 hours after I eat.  I need to know what is wrong.  Everytime I exercise or exert myself I get sugars in the 40's and 50's and then i just can't function.  I will post the problem on a forum maybe someonelse has experienced the same thing.  i hate that feeling.  I ame only 4 months out and I just can't bare to stop losing.  I wear a lose 20/22 right now, and I do feel alot better then i did when I wore a 30/32, but I know my family, especially my husband expected a lot more.  i deserve alot more.  i want to be normal.  If I am normal weight then my health will be better and I won't have to worry so much.  Well I better close now.  I hope you are all having a better time then I am right now.

Well guess where I am again, I am at my parents house looking out for Grandma.  I work 9 days straight at work this week and now I am here on my day off.  I amrally sleepy I wonder if it is just the scedule I have been keeping or if it is somethingelse.
I did go to church this morning.  It was so nice to see everyone.  They are all so supportive.  It's funny though so many of them said things like ,"you are beautiful just the way you are," "you don't need surgery."  etc.  I'm sure everyone has heard similar things and now it is "you look amazing," " oh my i didn't recognize you, " etc etc etc.  I weighed 252 on Friday.  Yeah!!! That is 71lbs.  I just can not beleive it!  I always thought 71lbs was so much more.  I guess the fact that I need to lose at least 170 lbs. Is why it seems as though I have a long road ahead.  I suppose 71lbs. is nothing to sneer at it is just weird.  Well I seem to be having a hard time putting thoughts together so i wil close for now.          Diana

Wow What a releif,  I guess I'll be okay.  the nutritionist assured me these things happen.  I have started losing again.  I am now down to 257.  I still can't beleive how close I am to 250lbs.  I look forward to my goal of 223, that will be my 100 lb mark.  

Everyday more people compliment me and I think I am handleing it with grace.  i work with some really great people.  Even though things are crazy and I feel overwhelmed sometimes I know that I am making a differance.  I know I am loved by the people I care for and I do like my job.  I am at my parents house tonight they had to get out for awhile.  My grandma is really being tough.  I guess all of the therapy i was doing over last weekend  has her really active.  OOPS!  Anyway I worry about mom and dad.  My mom is not well, she has RSD and it is really getting her down, not to mention causing her major pain.  She and dad are wonderful people and I hope I turn into half as good of a person as they are.  I am going to close for tonight.  If you read any of this let me know sometimes this page feels so lonely.  Diana  

I'm back at work and I am wondering why!  Ha HA.  Oh yeah I have a daughter in college and another heading there in '08.  That's why.  I have only lost 1 lb. in 2 weeks what is up with that?? I felt very excited because I had new smaller clothes so i was sure I had lost several lbs.  Oh well.  From what I've read that is normal, but it is still scary.  I have always failed no matter how hard I've tried so i will call the nutritionist and read her everything I have been eating and see if I've done something wrong i am even exerciseing a total of an hour a day.  I should have lost more!?!?

I have been spending a lot of time on the PA Forum.  If anyone actually reads this, and you haven't checked out a forum I highly recommend them.  I think it's a lot of fun and I've made a lot of friends.  
Anyway I just realized I hadn't actually talked about my job situation.  I have decided to stay on a bit longer.  I think we found someone to watch my Gramy, we will see how that works out.  My parents are due back tomorrow.  It will be great to get out of here for awhile.  I really miss work too.  It is really cold here today.  it snowed last night, grandma fell out of bed again.  this time I have a sheet wrapped very snuggly around her and I am watching her like a hawk.  if she falls again I'm putting her matress on the floor.  i don't know what to do?  She hasAlzheimers so she doesn't remember her legs wont hold her and she tries to get up on her own.  Yesterday i had her in and out of bed about 15 times.  She just didn't know what she wanted.  She yelled and slapped and screemed and cried.  It was really a bad day.  Today she seems much calmer.  I may need therepy, before this is all over.  It's weird I have worked in this feild for almost 22 years and it is easier to take when it is someone elses Grandparent yelling at you it is much harded when you look into the eyes of one of the dearest people in your life and there is no recognition, and all of this anger and frustrtion or even fear looking back at you.  It really is hard.  Pray for me!