2017 Update:  Huh?   I realize I had a sorted journey, marked by triumphs, inconsistencies, utter failures and so on but never understood that to mean I was traveling backwards.    Enshrouded by fat, playing peek-a-boo with the world, avoiding mirrors, sizing up spaces to avoid logistical nightmares, feeling my width when hugged by "smaller people", buying bigger clothes to mask rolls....all memorable from my past, but now my present reality, again?  Not quite at pre-op weight but definitely close.   

 At which mile marker did I stop caring?  Not sure there is such a mile marker because I never stopped caring.   Perhaps as I settled into skinny girl body, enjoying the customs and traditions of skinny persons, I forgot...  forgot my genetic make-up, forgot the war within waged on though undectected.   I was also lulled into a false sense of security, after all  I could eat junk (smaller porportions), skip meals, not exercise with no adverse effect or so it seemed.    It was like I gained weight in 5lb increments over several months, after the first 2yrs.   Losing the 5lbs, a piece of cake but if not caught in time 5 became 10 requiring a little more work to conquer, but it was cool.  After awhile it was sooo easy I'd sometimes accept the new set point.  From 150-170, life was good.    

Late 2012 my focus was shifted from "skinny girl problems" to surviving life in the face of significant back to back stressors.  As some would say, "Life Happened".  Is that an excuse?  No, simply a contributor.  I will own my maladaptive behaviors- skipping meals, not eating at all, choosing cookies instead of food as the meal of the day, snack grazing, no exercise or exercise minus adequate energy, etc.  These behaviors however didn't mark the beginning of some ultimate downward spiral.  There were still great moments in between where I'd put a stop to foolishness and get back on track. 

I personally believe I missed the sign "Caution Ahead" warning me of the ferocious speed at which the weight would advance without notice.   There were literally a few months in which I could not fit clothes worn weeks prior.  I didn't gain weight that fast when I was fat.  This new gen fat was also resistant, perhaps because of age, I don't know.  Now 180-195, the weight just wouldn't move.  Inches would decrease, muscle would build, stamina increased but the literal POUNDS, minimal to no movement.  Didn't take long for me to realize I was back in the cycle of lose 5/gain 7, lose 7/gain 10.  Let me paint a clearer picture.... lose 5lbs in 3wks, don't exercise for 2 wks gain 7lbs. 

Standing on a battlefield,  IED's going off, bloodshed, watching myself be slaughtered.  Internally screaming "How the hell did I get back here??!!??!!  Father God!" 

I never had the idea I didn't have work to do but I guess I never factored in the challenges of managing weight when life is consuming every ounce of your energy.  So here I sit, at another point of contemplation, recognizing how WLS worked for me and how ill prepared I was for the battering ram of life, poor attention to maintenance and subsequent weight gain. 

 I would do surgery again...I want to do surgery again, but is it an option?  Why surgery and not discipline, diet and exercise?  It's not one or the other for me, it's all of the above for which I now have a new apprectiation and experiental understanding.  I know all too well the lose/gain cycle and it is uttlerly demotivating.  Rigid diets or routines don't work for me.  I don't mind giving up foods or decreasing intake but the final solution can't be eating cauliflower and cous cous for the remainder of life to maintain.  Not to mention the day you eat rice instead of cous cous, your body revolts.   Altering anatomy gives me the fighting chance I need to actually win the battle.  8+yrs later, I am disappointed that this is an issue again, but it is and it is one I want to face with definitive solutions. 

New journey underway....TO BE CONTINUED. 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hmmmm, so what do I write in this section?  I sincerely don't know, clearly you can view my demographic info on the left hand side of this page.  So what's left, well I've struggled with weight for YEARS!    Though I usually hid behind a "jolly", "motherly" persona, I hated me, my skin, and all the blubber that infected my being.   I was blessed however with several GREAT, ACCEPTING and SUPPORTIVE family & friends.  


I wasn't much of a trendy dieter.  My diet and exercise spells lasted 2-3 months tops before I was completely burnt out and back to old habits, which always grew WORSE than the previous pattern of bad habits.  Finally, (2003) I realized that I just needed to learn how to love Toya, rolls and all!  Not settling to be overweight forever, but simply accepting my present reality.  Hence ceased the diet and exercise efforts until 2006, where for the first time I lost about 20-25lbs by making minor diet modifications and it felt GREAT!  Life happened however and out the window went the progress and in came the bad habits.  I was never again able to gain enough motivation to do "it" again.  I was sick of starting and stopping, sick of losing 20lbs to gaining 35!  Ughhh! 

 So how did we get to "weight loss surgery" (WLS)?  I laugh at the thought cuz I always vowed that I would never be one of those people to have surgey becuz there are NO SHORTCUTS!!!!!!!!!!  After contemplating my life and realizing that my eating habits had reached some level of clinical diagnosis, eating 1 pint of Haagen Daaz MInt Chocolate Chip Ice Cream with some kind of chocolate cake every other day ENOUGH was ENOUGH!  I've never been head of heels about food, but desserts HMMMMMM.  I could eat desserts all day, everyday!

Anyhoo, after contemplating life and seeing an entire marathon of television show "BIG MEDICINE", I decided to consider surgery as a viable option.  If what you've been doin' ain't working, it's time TO DO SOMETHING ELSE!  I started talking to some people and found out that a number of people at my job had underwent WLS, so thus the journey began. 

 Sorry if you thought it would be more dramatic or romantic than that, pretty cheesy.  Big medicine (lol)!  That's me and how I got here.  Stayed tuned!

 

TnC

About Me
Baltimore, MD
Location
27.3
BMI
RNY
Surgery
09/25/2008
Surgery Date
Oct 28, 2008
Member Since

Before & After
rollover to see after photo

Friends 31

Latest Blog 9
Total Weight Loss since surgery!
Today was a Hard Day!

×