diznygirl

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So sometimes life really sucks.  It sucks whether you're fat or almost skinny.  I'm starting the proceedings for divorce.  The reasons are many and varied and have been a long time coming.  I'm terrified.  I'm scared I'll be alone forever (although I don't know that I'd mind that).  I'm scared of struggling financially, of finding an appropriate place to live, of my kids never forgiving me, and if it's the right thing to do.  I'm angry too.  Being pissed and scared at the same time sucks.  Being pissed and scared and trying to manage your weight sucks.  I've been playing with the same 4 lbs. for about 2 months now and I'm starting to think maybe I'm done losing.  Maybe my body is happy where it is.  Or maybe I just screwed this up too.  Ok I just needed to vent for a minute.

So my first Christmas week postop was quite interesting.  Foodwise I was just horrible most of the week, but towards the end of the week I smartened up and have taken off the 2 to 3 lbs. that I had put on.  I went to the Bariatric center on Thursday for a weigh-in and a reality check and that seemed to help a lot.  Christmas Day we went to visit one of my brothers and I haven't seen most of that side of the family since shortly after surgery.  My SIL said I was "wasting away" hahaha.  I very nicely said "not quite".  Also apparently my neice in law was looking me up and down and giving me dirty looks.  I didn't realize it but my DH told me.  It just makes me laugh to a certain extent.  I guess it was my first experience of negativity as all my friends have been super supportive.  I was a little hurt that my brother didn't say anything one way or another.  But, he's a guy, so I can forgive him.

I was a good girl and hauled my butt to the gym today in the rain.  The guy working the desk mentioned that I'd lost a lot of weight and I told him almost 100 lbs. and he said he could tell from my picture from about a year ago.  It's funny because I actually went to elementary school with him and he recognized me from way back then.

It's amazing to me because my journey truly started almost exactly one year ago.  That was when I had my initial appt. with the PCP and asked for the referral for WLS.  I joined the gym just after New Year's and began eating healthier and "dieting" at that same time.  It's been an amazing year and I can't wait to see what this next year will bring.  I plan to do my first 5k, go skiing, try snowshoeing and who knows what else.  I'm ready to live my life without excuses and 100+ lbs. of excess weight and fear holding me back.

I went shopping after Christmas and found some great stuff.  I got two pairs of khakis at Ann Taylor Loft for less than $8 each - and they're size 8P!  The thighs are a little tight, but they're meant to be (I hope).  I also can wear regular width shoes!  I got a pair of nice mid-calf/high ankle black boots for Christmas and can't wait to wear them to work tomorrow.  I also tried on some knee high boots and they zipped!  I didn't get them because I didn't know what I'd wear them with.  I also have bones - bones - who knew?!?  Collarbones, hipbones, foot and hand bones - every day is like Christmas.  LOL.

I hope everyone else is making wonderful discoveries as well.  Happy Holidays to all!

Well it's been six months.  Can you believe it?  I had my follow up with the surgeon the other day.  I've lost 72% of my excess weight since my two week liquid diet and 80% of my excess weight since I started dieting when I chose to pursue surgery.  He said generally they like to see 60 to 80% at 1 year so I'm doing well.  That's great to hear because sometimes it seems SO slow.  I have 20lbs. left to go to hit the elusive Normal BMI.  Right now I wear size 8s and 10s mostly and my feet can actually fit in shoes that don't have a W after the size!  The shoe thing is so exciting - I can wear cute shoes now!  I never really cared about shoes that much because the wide ones were generally not so adorable.  Now I just want them all!  I definitely have a shopping thing going on right now, clothes, bags, jewelry, shoes - you name it.  I'm trying to keep it in check though and shop sales, second hand shops and clearance stuff.  Emotionally things are up and down.  I started Celexa and the NuvaRing last month and I feel much more even in mood and emotions.  Body dysmorphia is definitely an issue - sometimes all I see is the floppy stuff.  I think it depends on where I'm going and who I'm with.  At work I feel fine and normal - because they didn't know me as fat.  With friends I feel fat because I think they still see me that way.  I hope that makes sense.  I had my first real alcohol experience last weekend - that was interesting.  Two drinks and I was quite toasted - then I had a couple handfuls of pretzels and I was sober again.  That's all for now - I'll be uploading my new pics soon.

Well I finally got a job and started working on Monday.  I'm working at the MaineCare (Medicaid) office setting up providers on the new billing system.  I like it so far, so that's good.  However, they always have food!  Today was Donut Thursday and also a cake for someone who was leaving.  I did suggest we do some more healthy things mixed with the "bad" stuff too.  Maybe I'll bring in cheese and whole wheat crackers next week or something similar.  One good thing is that I'm doing much better getting my fluid in and also my vitamins, easier to do it at work I guess.  Planning my lunches and snacks is a chore though, when I was home I could just do whatever I felt like, now I have to pack and plan.  So I try to give myself a few different snack options and always pack a protein bar in case my lunch doesn't agree with me for some reason. 

I also got to go shopping!  I had nothing that fit other than jeans, workout clothes and pj pants.  Luckily Kohl's was having a great sale on Wednesday, so I picked up a few things.  One pair of pants is even a size 8 - and I wore them today!  That was super exciting - for me anyway. 

We went to the family wedding in NJ this past weekend.  We spent most of Friday in NYC and walked our butts off.  It was fun other than the fact that it was the day of the Yankees victory parade.  The wedding went well and people were really surprised to see how much weight I'd lost.  Some spoke to me directly and others just talked about me - LOL.  Gotta love inlaws (or not).

Getting to the gym has been a challenge.  I prefer mornings but I don't really want to get there at 6am and then have to shower there.  After work is ok depending on what's going on.  I'm still working my Couch to 5k and I think I'm on the end of week 5.  The thought of jogging 20 minutes straight tomorrow night has me shaking in my sneakers, but I'll do the best I can.  I really want to do the Gasping Gobbler on Thanksgiving morning, so I'm going to push through it the best I can.

Guess that's all for now...

Ahh yes, today is my 5 months surgiversary.  How can it be 5 months already?  I've had a lot of changes this month.  I was wearing the same size jeans forever it seemed, then finally they got looser and looser.  So I went to Old Navy and bought a pair of 10s - yes size 10s - imagine that!  Well, I wore them and dangit they were loose!?!  How could that be?  So I went back a couple of days later and tried on the 8s for shits and giggles, and they fit!  What!?!??!?!  I'm just kind of shellshocked at the moment about that.  I started the Couch to 5K running program and I really think that's what has made the difference.  I haven't been to the gym in a little over a week for various reasons, but I'm going tomorrow one way or another.  That's where I take my official weight (other than the Dr's office, but the scales are almost exact).  However, on my home scale, naked, I'm officially OVERWEIGHT! 

I went out dancing with some friends Friday night.  It's so funny being with a group of people, some raved over my weight loss and others didn't seem to notice.  This weekend is my brother in law's wedding, so that should be interesting.  I haven't seen most of DHs family since the last family wedding two years ago.  I bought a fabulous dress at Macy's (on clearance even) and I hope to stun them all into silence (hah fat chance of that!)  I'll be sure to put up some pics after the weekend.

Why do our brains play such tricks on us?  Sometimes all I can see is the fat - other times I think I look fairly normal.  There's no rhyme or reason to what the mirror shows me it seems.  Ok, I've rambled enough, going to bed I think...

So here I sit almost 4 1/2 mos. since surgery.  Like I said in my last blog, now the real work is beginning.  My weight was at 160lbs. at my nut appt. on Tuesday and I'm still sitting in my sz. 12s and a few 14s.  It's nice to have been able to wear the same pants for quite awhile now, but dammit I want to wear some 10s!  I know it will come in time though.

So I had this sad happy surreal realization moment during my nut appt.  I saw my "official" before picture.  I'd never seen it before and it was taken when I was about 10lbs. down from my highest.  My jaw dropped, I was sad for the girl in the picture, happy for the girl in the chair, and wondering which is the real me?!  I remember getting dressed that day to go to the consult, I remember thinking I looked good, I did not look good in that picture.  I need to get a copy of it because it affected me so deeply, and all of my progress pics started after I had lost 40 some odd pounds on my own.  I saw how far I had come, but in the mirror I see how far I have to go.  So now I think, even at 76 lbs. less, when I think I'm dressed up and look good, do I?  Or do other people see now - what I see in the picture then?  Does that make sense to anyone but me?

On a happier note, I started a running program.  I'm doing the Couch to 5K program and I'm just starting week 3 tomorrow or Sunday when I get to the gym next.  I'm just so amazed that I can actually jog and can't wait to do a real 5k in the spring.  This is something I never thought I'd do, but I have such a feeling of accomplishment when I get off the treadmill after completing my session.  I'm looking forward to a lot of those "I can't believe I just did that" moments!

I have a couple of trips coming up too.  I'm going to the OH conference in Rye in two weeks, and going to a family wedding in NJ in 4 weeks.  I haven't seen most of my husband's family in about 2 years, so seeing me should be a big shock.  I don't plan on telling anyone I had surgery, some of them would be the type to make the "easy way out" comments.  My MIL and FIL know, but have been sworn to secrecy.  I have a dress, but I might get something more fabulous, we'll see.  I was hoping to lose another size before then, but I'm just breaking about a 2+ week stall, so we'll see what happens.

Out for now...

So I wrote a wonderful and articulate post right around my 3 month mark, and OH ate it.  So I'll see how I do about a week and a half later at being articulate.

Things are moving along pretty well I guess.  I had my 3 months surgeon visit, did the labwork, etc.  No call from the nurse about labs, so that's good news.  When I go for my next NUT appt. I will make sure to get exactly what the levels were for my own curiousity.  Dr. Trieu said I'm doing well, I've lost right around 50% of my excess weight since starting the 2 weeks on liquid diet.  Pounds are coming off relatively slow, but I've been experimenting with food a little bit (bad me - more on that later).  I also haven't been very good about going to the gym - but I did go today and plan to go tomorrow!  I started a Muay Thai kickboxing class that is totally kicking my ass, but it's a lot of fun (if you want to call it fun).

So I've been pushing my food limits to see what "works" and what doesn't.  I seem to have a pretty high sugar tolerance and I don't think I truly dump.  Although I did get the cold sweats after some fudge at the Litchfield Fair today.  Fudge!  Can you believe I tried to eat fudge!?!?  What was I thinking?  It tasted good, but it's such a slippery slope.  I've been doing pretty good though, have started with a little more carbs, like Arnold Multi Grain Sandwich Thins.  I love those tasty little things!  I have a 1/2 one with ham and Laughing Cow cheese and that's my sandwich.  Will be trying it with tuna this week as well.  I also found some stuffed chicken breasts at Wally World that are pretty good, a half one has about 16g of protein.  I do tend to graze a lot in the evening, like I don't eat much all day unless I force myself, but at night I just can't stop!  I try to make good choices, but sometimes, ugh.  I don't know if it's a self-sabotage thing, or a just figuring out the boundaries thing.  I need to figure that out fast though before I make real problems for myself down the road.

I also haven't been going to the gym like I said.  Just haven't been able to push myself, and I was pretty religious about it before.  I think the kickboxing has something to do with it.  The first few weeks I'd be so sore for days afterwards that I wouldn't want to work out at all.  Then it would be "well I have kickboxing in a couple of days so I don't need to work out".  Yeah I'm kicking that mindset to the curb now!  I went today and even went on the evil StairMaster for 10 minutes - not long, but I will work my time up and conquer the evil machine.

Clothes are so much fun to buy!  I'm still in mostly 12s and some 14s.  I even bought a size Medium shirt at Old Navy the other day!!!  I'm discovering a love for Old Navy, they have some really cute clothes and are priced quite reasonably.  Kohl's and Target are my other faves.  My friend wants me to go to American Eagle and try on some jeans there, but I don't know if I'm quite ready for that...lol. 

I've had some great wows also.  When you see people and they do a double-take.  One girl I used to work with didn't recognize me at first - then she was like "you look goooood".  Even the girl at the hospital when I went for my lab work was surprised I'd had bypass and thought I looked like a regular average weight person.  That made me feel good - but I still have 40ish pounds to go.

I'm discovering this is truly an emotional journey as much as it's a physical journey, if not even more so.  I think it's time for me to buckle down and start working on my brain and emotions, because the smaller I get, the more they seem to act up. 

If anyone read this whole rambling blog, bless you for your patience...  :)

So I wrote a blog last week and it got eaten by OH (grrrr).  So I'll try this again.

Saturday was my two month surgiversary.  Wow, two months has gone unbelievably fast.  My HS Reunion was about 1 1/2 weeks ago too.  It was ok I guess, albeit a little disappointing.  Basically, the people that were buttholes, still are.  I guess I'd hoped to see some positive changes in people, even I felt like the same old person.  I think that ticked me off more than anything else.  I did have a nice conversation with a couple of the guys though, they think I look younger now than I did then.  Of course I told them they were drinking too much...lol.  One said I'd lost a lot of weight - good thing - except I weigh more now than I did the last time I saw him.  Oh well, I guess I'll take the compliments where I can get them.

I've taken more progress pics, I don't really see much difference between month 1 and 2.  However, my clothes definitely see the difference.  I'm currently wearing a pair of sz. 12 shorts from Wal-Mart, and bought a pair of capris at Kohl's tonight that are 12s as well.  My high school size was a 14 (and I think that would be like a 16 in today's sizes).  I was a 12 once for about a month right after I had my son, so this is a big thing for me (for all of us, of course.)  Oh, and I'm finally the weight it says on my license for the first time EVER. 

I also went camping with my girlfriends last weekend.  That was huge for me because I'm a hotel and hot tub type of girl.  We didn't have electricity and slept in a bunkhouse that had mice (eeekkkkssss).  But I made it the whole weekend and had a great time, even risked it and had a smore.  I made it small and it was SOOOOO good.  Stuck to my eating and drinking plan other than that though and a great time was had by all.  We're even planning on making it a yearly thing.

I guess that's all for now....

So I just realized as I sat to write this that I'm 6 weeks out today.  Wow it does fly by post surgery!  So I cleaned out lots and lots of clothes that are too big for me now (yeah) to take to the consignment store.  What she doesn't take will go to Goodwill probably.  Of course now I have hardly any clothes left, but I'm getting things here and there on clearance and whatnot,.

I also just realized that I missed support group tonight.  I forgot all about it, which ticks me off because I really wanted to go.  I'm definitely marking it on my calendar for next week.

So the scale is still moving at a snail's pace.  However, I honestly haven't been that good the last week about making sure I"m doing everything I need to be doing.  I'm getting myself back on track ASAP though.  I have been losing inches and sizes.  I did some shopping and can fit into some 14s!  JCPenney clothes are still 16s thought (so I guess I just won't shop there - LOL).  But I tried on some stuff at Kohl's and the 14s fit - you could have knocked me over with a feather.  Sometimes I see it and sometimes I don't.  When dh tells me I look thin - I tell him to shut up.  I'm so mean sometimes.  I've definitely had the hormonal issues - I'm either screaming or crying or just being bitchy.  I'm such a joy to be around I'm sure.  Can't wait for that to normalize (I'm sure the family can't either).

Ta ta for now...,

So here I am - 5 weeks out today.  It seems like it took so long for the surgery to get here, and now time is flying right by after the fact.  I'm still losing a little slower than I would like, but I'm losing so that's good.  I'm down about 13 lbs. since the day of surgery.  I am starting to see some differences in my body and have my before pics and one month pics to post.  So my clothes have been driving me crazy!  I got rid of almost all my bigger clothes so I don't have much to wear and my shorts are getting too big.  So I went to Lane Bryant and just didn't want to spend $30 on shorts I'd only wear for a month or so.  I ended up going to Wal-Mart and picked up a pair of 16s and 14s just in case.  I put on the 16s and they were quite big, I figured the 14s would be too tight...  But they were actually comfortable/loose!  I didn't push it and try 12s because I probably would have fainted on the spot if they fit...lol.  So I bought the 14s and a size L shirt - size L - not 2X, 1X, XL.  I was amazed.  I do think that they've changed the sizes in the last 10 to 20 years when I was last in a 14 though.  Now I'm at about 177 according to my scale at home and I used to be around 150/160ish for a 14 back in the day.  I think I'll go to Kohl's later and try on some clothes to see if it was a fluke or not!

Other than that I've been incredibly moody.  Yesterday I just kept crying over everything and nothing, it was terrible.  Other days I've just been a roaring bitch.  It's no fun for my family and friends, that's for sure.  I hope to get that under control soon before they lock me away and throw away the key.

Hope everyone is doing well!