Dodgergirl27

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Well, I just spent the last 1/2 hr re-reading through all my blogs.  Oh, how I miss the girl with that much dedication.  I"m 3.5 yrs out now, and sadly I have let regain become a thing.  The good news is, I"m having my come to Jesus moment, the bad news is, I let things get way further out of control than I should have (and that I vowed to myself I would). 

So, where am I at?  As of today I weigh 221.4 (35 lbs up from my lowest weight).  I never quite hit my goal weight of 170 (186 was the lowest I got, and honestly I really liked my body there, so my new "goal" is 180, so i have that 5 lbs of wiggle room).  

How did I get here?  A number of factors. First, I stopped holding myself accountable on a daily basis.  2 of the biggest tools to help me lose the weight (and I said this over and over in my early post) were MFP and weighing in daily.  While I still use MFP, I"m not 100% (or even 50% most of the time) accurate or dedicated like I was early on.  I need to get back to that honestly.  2. I rarely weigh myself anymore, which is maybe the thing I"m most disappointed in myself for, because I feel like burying my head in the sad was how I got to MOB in the first place and when I started this journey, I vowed to never do that again.  Turns out, old habits truly are hard to break!  Other factors that I know have played a roll:  I drink way too much way too often, alcohol needs to be cut out of my diet; I don't wear my fitness tracker any more, and I can bet I'm back to less than 5000 steps a day, much less regular workouts; I allow myself cheat meals regularly (not just cheat bites); veggies and I are no longer BFF's; I don't focus on getting 60 oz of water in any more; and protein first is a long lost forgotten phrase; I had plastics and my stomach looks better than it ever has (even with the re-gain), I think I used this as an excuse to let old bad habits back in.

So, how do I get back on track?  Well, basically, I plan to go back to basics (and do everything listed above, but in the affirmative).  I need to check back into MFP daily, I need to focus on my steps, water and protein.  I need to limit my carbs to under 50/day.  No more alcohol.  

So, my dail goals:  60+ oz of water; 70+ grams protein; >50 g carbs; 10,000+ steps/day; weight in every day; login to MFP and track every day (no exceptions)

Weekly goals: 3 workouts a week (hard, sweat inducing workouts)

Monthly goals: write a blog post and check in with OH to keep myself accountable.

40 lbs, I can do it!  I have faith I can re-engage with the girl I was a year and a half ago.  I am recommitted to myself and this journey.

Well, I'm just over 16 months out, and I realized today I'm exactly 150 lbs down from my HKW of 338.  That kind of blows my mind.  It also blows my mind that I've lost 10 lbs in the last 4 months.  First, because the weightloss has been so slow, if my life depended on telling you how many lbs I've lost in the last few months I would've said 5.  So it's kind of nice to realize it's a bit higher than that.  Second, 10 lbs in 4 months is such a snails pace compared to what I was losing it at months 1 - 8.  I guess the lessons here are abundant.  I'm going to list them below, only as a way to organize my thoughts, not for any sort of precise value:

1. Stick with it, eat right and exercise and the weight will continue to come off, slooooowly, but it will get there

2. Take time to enjoy the NSV of your new life, there's more to this than just a number on the scale

3. I think I need to adjust my goal weight, but I have no idea what that should be.  I figure I've easily got another 10 lbs to lose, more like 15...but 28 lbs will likely be pushing way too skinny (I can't believe I just typed those words, lol).  Anyways, I'm in a 6 for the most part now (and 8 in some brands) and I really can't see liking my body in anything lower than a size 4, I'm of the belief that there is a thing as too skinny.  However, I'm TERRIFIED of bounce back, and wouldn't mind losing 5 lbs more than my ideal so I have a little wiggle room.

4. Finally, I'm starting to really seriously research plastics.  I'm so freaking nervous, but I also feel like it's the final step in this journey (well, not final, b/c this is a lifetime process and the choices I make every day will determine how successful I am every day from now until my last..but final in terms of no more surgeries :).  I can't imagine having a body that doesn't have excess something (fat for so much of my life, skin for the last year).  To just have a lean body that I don't have to somehow figure out how to "hide" flaws (black everything when I was fat, blousy tops now to cover my apron).  It's almost inconceivable to me.  Thank god for all of the kind people here on OH who share their post plastics experiences or I might chicken out.

Anyways, this post was more of just a reflection on what I consider a pretty cool milestone.  It's also nice to see that by working my plan, I've lost more in the last 4 months than I realized and I'm still working my way to goal, no matter that the process is a slow one.

Wow, I can't believe it's been a year!  Today I can't stop thinking about how a year ago today I was being wheeled into surgery and honestly wondering if I was going to come out alive.  It was the first time in my life I had ever had any sort of surgery, and I was terrified!  I remember thinking how there's a risk you could die on the table and "oh my god is it worth it?" and what if I have complications, etc. etc.  I also remember thinking I couldn't go on living my life the way I was (which wasn't living it all but just existing).  Well, I can say with 100% conviction that being wheeled into that surgical room was the best decision I've ever made for myself.  My life is a 180 degree turn from where it was a year ago.  I have more confidence, I am happier, and my never ending battle with food and the food beast that lives inside of me is under my control for what feels like the first time in my life.

It's not to say this isn't still a battle, but for the first time I feel armed with the tools (my pouch, my desire for change and a healthy lifestyle, and the support I get on OH) to meet all of my goals and live the life I want to live.  I mean, I work out...that blows my mind...because I like it!  I eat vegetables on purpose, and I like it.  I don't obsess about when I get to eat next, I eat when I eat.  I'm one of those people who can just try a bite of something and actually be satisfied (god, I hated those people pre-op!).    Taking supplements each day and monitoring my protein intake is such a small small price to pay for what I've been given back (a life)!.  I like shopping and I look good in clothes, how did that happen?!?!?  I like meeting new people and going to parties (I used to never want to go out because I was so ashamed about how I looked).  I have more confidence at work and speak up more often. 

I still have 38 lbs I want to lose, and the last 2 months have seen my weight loss come to a grinding halt (only 3 lbs and 1.5 lbs respectively).  But I'm confident if I stay on plan and keep doing what I know works, I will get to my goal!  Plastics are in my future as I definitely have loose skin, but honestly, so what?  I remember pre-op thinking hanging skin was the worst thing that could happen, now I think, seriously?  Carrying around 140 extra lbs was the worse thing that could happen!  It effected every aspect of my life, and so what if my skin was nice and tight around all that fat, it still looked awful!  

So, for anyone who may happen upon this, or any of my other post, don't be afraid.  Embrace this change.  I think the key to success is seeing the surgery as an opportunity and seizing it with everything you can.  If you go into grudgingly still wanting to eat the foods and the way you ate pre-op, then you won't have the success you are looking for.  I get that it's hard to give up that comfort and the "friend" who loves you and makes you feel better when times are tough.  But food is not our friend, it's just food.  I don't know why it took cutting out my stomach for me to finally get that for the first time in my life, but I've accepted that is what I needed to make the changes to get my life back.  I never would have lost this weight through traditional dieting.  My pouch stops me from my worst impulses time and again (although with much less frequency with each passing month and day) and I couldn't be more thankful.  I still have days/moments where I turn to food, but usually I catch myself, put on the breaks and get back to doing the things that make me feel good...and binge eating is most definitely not one of those things.

I am a work in progress, and I imagine I'll be saying that at my 10 yr surgiversary as well.  I'm going to rededicate myself and I hope my next post has a great big GOAL title!  I can do this, and I trust this process (even if stalls piss me off more frequently than I should let them :).  I'm thankful every day for my RnY...it's truly been a gift!

Well, I'm officially 11 months out as of today, and this month my weight loss stalled to an absolute crawl....I only lost 3 lbs.  However, this morning when I got on the scale, I saw a 1 in front of my weight for the first time since I was in high school (so aprox. 15 years)!  I'm so excited.  Because my weight has been bouncing around (up a lb down a lb), we'll see what the scale says tomorrow, but for right now, I'm going to revel in my one's!  It's crazy b/c I'm only .6 less than I was yesterday, but mentally, this is such a huge milestone for me.  I was honestly feeling like I would never get here, but I made it!  Now I just need to tackle the next 39.4 lbs and I'll be at goal.  Hopefully, things pick up in the coming month.  I plan on eating 40 carbs or less a day and really picking up my exercise.  Last year at this time, my goal was all about getting surgery and trying to regain my health.  Well, mission accomplished.  My goals for 2015 are to continue to focus on my health and make choices that make me feel good about myself, but also to now focus on the mental and emotional aspects of my life.  This year it was all about the physical, but I think I need to spend some time working as hard on those other areas as I did on the physical in 2014.  It's funny how I feel "free" to work on those things now that I don't feel trapped in a MO body anymore.  One step at a time....

Well, I'm 10 Months out, and so far so good.  I was able to get the scale moving again this month (I lost just over 10 lbs, after last months 5 lb loss that had me freaking out).  I'm only 2 lbs away from the mythical Onderland and I SOOO want to see a 1 before my weight!  I still have 40 lbs total I want to lose (well 42 to be exact) and with the way my weight loss has slowed down that seems farther away than it once did.  If I can keep losing like I did last month, then I should get there in the forseeable future, but if I have another major slow down, then who knows how long it'll take me to get there.  I feel great, but my head has not caught up with my body.  For the most part I'm in a size 8, which is mind blowing to me (although I think there's a lot to be said for vanity sizing).  I think the game plan that I'm going to stick to is to keep my carbs at or below 40 grams and then maximize protein.  That really seemed to help the scale move this last month.  I think I have to accept that carbs are just not my friend, and that whenever I reintroduce them my WL comes to a grinding halt.  Luckily, I really like protein and fat's so it's not a huge loss, plus I always feel less bloated if I'm eating fewer carbs.

I think the big struggle now will be getting my mind caught up with this whirlwind of a year.  Every time I see someone I haven't seen in a long time, I get the shocked "Oh my god you've lost so much weight" speech.  And that's awesome, but it's also depressing, b/c it's kind of a reminder of how far I had let myself go, and it scares the hell out of me that I could be so careless with my body again.  Also, I don't feel thinner (which is a lie, b/c I do feel thinner, but I guess I still feel fat, if that makes any sense at all).  I don't know at what point I learn to have some self love.  I worry that I'm always going to be 10 lbs away, or wait until plastics, or wait until I fit into xyz outfit.  I really want to teach myself some self acceptance.  I've worked really hard for the last 10 months, I feel amazing, and based on the comments I'm getting I look alright now too.  But I think some of the reason I let myself gain so much weight in the first place was because I never really felt good about myself, even before I gained weight.  I always felt fat and unattractive.  And I think that's such a destructive mindset.  I keep toying with the idea that I need to spend some time with a therapist, there's some self love that needs to happen here and I'm not sure I'm going to get there on my own.  I guess I'm saying all of this, b/c I've always wanted to mark this journey and while I don't regret surgery for a second and have felt amazing almost since the day I left the hospital, there's still a ton of work that needs to be done, and realistically a lot of that is mental.  As I inch closer to the "finish line", I realize there's still a fair amount of mental work I need to get squared away.  The fear of regain is so real for me, it's a constant, and I think if my self image doesn't get adjusted I can fall into some behaviors and patterns that led me to my pre-op weight.  I can't go back to that place.  Living in that body was a prison! So my goals for the next couple of months (besides looking into therapy) are to keep finding ways to move my body more, and to take each day one at a time and make good choices.  I feel good when I make good choices, it improves my mood and my days, so I need to embrace daily decisions that 1. help me get to my goals and 2. make me feel good.  

So, reflections on being 8 months out: 1) Time has flown by.  Literally, I feel like I was just going into surgery yesterday.  I can't believe how fast the time has gone.  I feel amazing.  Like I really have been given a second opportunity at life. My lone regret at this point is that I didn't start working out sooner into this process, because I think I didn't take full opportunity of the "honeymoon phase".  Weight loss has slowed down.  I'm loosing about 8 lbs a month (which would have made me ecstatic pre-surgery but seems like a snails pace now:).  I still have just under 60 lbs I want to loose, so I need to be really diligent about my diet.  I've been working out 3 - 4 times a week, usually for 2 hours at a time (1 hour of Pilates and 1 hour of spinning).  The Pilates is a huge accomplishment for me, because while I'm much smaller, I'm still not exactly svelte (I'm a size 12 currently).  Most of the people in Pilates are pretty svelte, so it's a big deal for me to just get over that self conciousness and go for it.  I do think it's helping though and I feel like I am seeing my body shape change (more toned and longer and leaner) which is exciting.  

Dealing with the scale frustrations has been a constant battle.  I seem to lose for only a few days each month, and then my body gains and loses the same lb for the rest of the month.  Nothing seems to effect this (not diet or exercise).  But, I remind myself that I beat up on my body for 8+ yrs with all of the extra weight I carried around, so maybe I owe it a little patience as well.  My plan as of right now is to keep eating protein first and fueling my body with good foods (lots of veggies and healthy fats along with the protein).  I will continue to workout (I'm actually really starting to enjoy it, who knew?) and I can only hope the scale will cooperate. It's weird b/c the 58 lbs I want to lose feels so close and so far away at the same time.  My immediate goal is to get to the mythical "onederland" (18.4 lbs away).  I'm going to focus on that for now, and then I'll tackle those last 40 when the time comes.  They say you lose for 18 months after surgery, and if I continue to lose 8 - 10 lbs month for the next 10 months, I should get to goal.  I just have to remember it's not all going to come off over night, and it's not just about a number on the scale.  It's about the fact that I feel amazing, and my body is taking care of me.

One small draw back is that I suffer from Migraines, and for some reason have had a number of them lately.  Pre-surgery I would have taken a bunch of excedrine migraine and likely cut down on the suffering period.  However, I can't take those anymore, so I have just had to suffer through the headaches.  I do have an apt with my PCP next week to get a scrip for a non NSAID migraine med, but still it has been weird going through that.  To remember I can't take the medicines I used to rely so heavily on.  Luckily, I feel so much better in general, the need to take them has decreased dramatically (in fact until this recent migraine bout, I hadn't needed to take anything since surgery).  

One final note.  I really do think OH (and via OH, myfitnesspal, where I have my OH friends) has been a major factor in the weight I've lost so far.  The accountability that comes from being here most days, the encouragement, and the shared struggle that I have with all of my OH friends has been invaluable.  I've met other people who have had the surgery and have not had much success.  In talking to them, they had surgery and then just expected things to magically change.  I can say, this is work.  My RnY is a huge tool, and has helped me to completely change my relationship with food.  That being said, I know there's a beast inside of me.  It was a beast that allowed me to get to 338 lbs despite the physical, mental and emotional pains that came with it.  I have to fight that beast every day, because eating a bunch of taco bell (or any other fast food) would be SOOO easy.  But having the support and accountability here, has made all (and I mean ALL) of the difference!  So for any newbies out there, I can't recommend checking out this site on a regular basis.  There will be days where there are some post that are more relevant than others, but overall it's a godsend.  Also, I love looking at the before and after's.  It's a total guilty pleasure and is such a great motivator.  

Well, today is my official 6 months surgiversary.  I have to say I'm happy with the weight loss so far, and more importantly, I feel great!  There have been some frustrating moments here and there, but overall this has been quite a journey so far.  Sometimes I get a little frustrated with my rate of loss (b/c I'll see people on here who are 6 or 7 months out and still losing 20 lbs a month), but I remind myself our journey's are all different.  I fit easily into a size 14 now, and the last 2 months I've lost 9 lbs each month.  I'd love to get back to a rate of loss closer to 15 lbs, just b/c I have some fall goals and events that I'd really like to look amazing for.  Also, I feel like "onederland" is still SOOO far away (35.2 lbs to be exact).  In the grand scheme of things, I realize that's not so far away, but since it's been a major goal of mine since the start of this process, it's like I can see it, but it still feels out of reach.

In terms of how I've been following plan, here's my analysis:  For the most part I eat protein forward meals.  I eat a ton of fish and some red meat.  Chicken and pork still make me feel kind of gross, so for the most part, I stay away.  I eat WAY MORE veggies than I ever have in my life, and honestly, I really like them.  I do occasionally let myself have a bite of something sweet, but luckily if I eat more than that I feel sick and/or dump, so it's been a great behavior modifier.  One thing I realized is that I've let alcohol back in, and I need to watch that.  Nothing major, a glass of wine here or there, but the last month, I've done that about 1x a week, and I think that my slower loss is directly related to that.  So, I've decided to cut it out until I am way closer to goal.  

Another thing I can work on is my exercise.  I think I've done a good job of finding ways to get more steps in each day, and I'm less sedentary than I was before surgery, but actual calorie burning exercise has been sporadic.  When I do see people on here with the crazy amazing #'s, it seems exercise is a daily part of their routines (usually 1 - 2 hrs day).  I'd like to start incorporating 1/2 hr in 5 days a week, b/c 1. I need the help with keeping the weight loss going; and 2. I need some serious toning action.  I think I will need plastics based on how things look now, but I dont' focus on that much, I figure I'm a min. of a year away so why sweat it?  Anyways, I signed up for a 5K run at the end of Oct and I'm really excited about that.  I think it'll be a good motivator as well.

Overall I'm really feeling great.  I actually enjoy shopping and getting dressed up now.  No more black baggy uniform of MO woman.  I wear color!  Who knew?  I'm 100% more social now than I was before, I've made new friends and go out way more as well.  I finally feel like I'm living my life after the last 6 years of hiding away from the world.  I have normal concerns still: will I hit goal, am I still going to lose (I've been in a 3 week stall, so this fear has been more real the last week or so), how can I make sure I maintain, what is bounce back going to do to me?  But even with that anxiety, I remind myself how great I feel and it puts me at ease.  I just need to stay the course, do what I know I'm suppose to and make good choices every day (or almost every day).

Finally, I had my 6mo. blood drawn last week.  I should be getting those results back soon.  I hope everything comes out okay, I'll update if not so I can share any wisdom I may learn from my Dr. regarding my numbers.  I'll update again in a month or two, and fingers crossed I'll be in a 10 by then (my ultimate goal is a 6, although I may adjust that depending on how I look/feel in an 8.  I think I'm thinking 6, so that if I have bounce back, I'll be happy with the 8).

To anyone who may be reading this, I hope your journey is going well too!  It's a process, but I can honestly say I don't have a single regret!  Sure, I can't binge eat to hide my feelings anymore, but, thank god for that.  It was always such a shame cycle that made me hate myself even more.  Having the feeling of control over my eating is honestly priceless.  It makes me feel like anything is possible!

Well, I'm down 83.6 lbs since the morning of surgery.  That makes me extremely happy.  I can't believe 4 months have flown by.  This is such an exciting time, I feel like I'm re-gaining my life in a way I honestly never thought possible.  It's amazing how weight can be such a mental and emotional prison.  There have been some bumps in the road (constipation and dumping) but those pale in comparison to all of the scale and NSV I have had since surgery.  I'm currently in a size 16 and can't wait to keep going down (I even fit into 1 pair of size 14 pants).  I stress endlessly about the honeymoon period and taking advantage of this time after surgery.  That being said, I also have to remind myself this is a journey and it's not all going to come off over night (although it certainly felt like that month one and two).  My weight loss seems to have slowed considerably from those first months, and in fact this week was my first full week stall (I'd had 4 day stalls before, but never a full 7).  That of course sends me into panic mode, and all of my old thinking (pre-surgery) where I worry this isn't going to work comes flooding back.  I really have to fight that,because clearly this is working.  I think it's really easy to get sucked into a defeatist mindset due to years of failing when it came to my weight.  So on top of my food "journeys" and my daily menu obsession (cal/carb/protein counts are what I have replaced food with it seems), I really need to work on the mental journey as well.

On that note, I have to remind myself I can't force my body to lose weight.  I have two goals that are really important to me, but I'm going to try and keep everything in perspective.  In August, I'm going to WI to visit my best friend.  He's a total health nut and has only ever known me as MO.  I really want to get off that plane and walk up to him at a healthy weight.  In my dream world I'd be in Onederland, but I'm not sure that's going to happen in 2 1/2 months, so I'm hoping to be below 220 at the very least.  In October, I have my cousin's wedding.  I do want to be in Onederland then, and I really just want to wear a beautiful dress and feel feminine and girly and not what I've felt for so many celebrations and wedding's in the last 10 years where I'm only buying outfits to hide and cover myself.  I secretly want the wedding to be a celebration of all of the hard work and dedication that I have put into this and will continue to put into this.  And of course, I want to celebrate my wonderful cousin and his beautiful new wife :)  So, I'll keep you posted, but I do have 2 big goals to look forward to and keep me focused and on plan.

As far as the weight loss journey, I do see lots of opportunity for bad food choices to sneak back in.  In some ways, I think dumping was a gift, b/c it kept me from my worst intentions and impulses.  Luckily, I think I have broken my bad habits and am on my way to a healthier me.  Still, I can see where it will be a constant battle and something that I will always need to be mindful of.  

Finally, I just want to encourage any newbie to check in with OH regularly.  This site, and all of the wonderful and supportive people who you can come here and share your success and struggles with, is truly invaluable to me.  I think this whole process would be so much more lonely and nerve wracking if it weren't for the great advice I receive here each day.  Thanks to my OH family for all of your great advice and support thus far.  I look forward to the next 4 months and beyond with you all.

Starting Weight: 338

Current Weight: 269

Total Loss: 69 lbs

Well, I'm in a rut.  I've been in a stall for 9 days and it's KILLING me!  I know, in my brain, that this is just temporary as I'm eating right and sticking to my plan (the first few days of the stall my protein was low, between 55 -60g, but for the last 6 days I've been up over 70g every day).  My heart and emotional self, however, are freaking out that this is it and I'm done losing.  Of course I've seen on OH how many people have this type of stall and even a lot of vets who would say this isnt' a stall at all.  But if FEELS like a stall and it's bumming me out.  I'm so caught up in the numbers right now, it's crazy.  I've been loving losing the weight and the sizes going down, having to clean out my closet and trying on new clothes.  All of that's been great, but I still have a lot of weight to lose and I think with summer right around the corner, I really want to lose as much weight as possible so that I can enjoy my first summer in years.  The summer always made me so self conscious and miserable (I'd avoid parties and get togethers if a pool or beach was involved b/c there was no way anyone was seeing me in a swim suit, I haven't worn shorts or a tank top in years and am usually covered up in black during the summer trying to "hide" my figure).  This is the first summer in forever where that's not going to be the case.  I feel great, and I'm looking better, but I'm nowhere near where I want to be and this stall is driving me nuts.

Anyways, this is suppose to be a diary for me and an honest look for any newbies who happen upon it.  This week (and last week), I'm frustrated!  I know it'll pass, but I'm secretly terrified it won't and it's kind of taking up all the space in my brain at the moment.  So, I'm upping my protein while lowering my cals and I plan on meeting with a personal trainer tomorrow.  Fingers crossed that is the jump start I need.

PS. the whole constipation issue seems to be solved.  One word: probiotics, they are miracle workers!

Starting Weight: 338

Current Weight: 283.6

Total Loss: 54.4 lbs

This was an ok week.  I dealt with some very serious constipation which I plan on talking to my Dr. about at my 2 month apt. on Monday.  Nothing seems to help, I've tried it all and am wondering if I need something prescription strength.  Also, I'm going through a mini stall.  I was down to 282.2 then bounced up to 283.6 on Monday and have stayed there the last 3 days.  I think I'm going to experiment with not getting on the scale again until next wed.  I think it'll be good for my sanity.  

I'm slowing increasing my exercise, which is good.  My goal has moved up from 5000 steps a day to 7000 and I'm having pretty good success hitting that (it's all about finding time to fit in mini walks, literally 1-2 min marching in place moments has made all the difference for me).  I'll be at 10,000 steps in no time!  One concern is that I still can't eat much (in terms of variety, I'm happy that I can't eat much in terms of volume) without being sick.  I'm not sure if my pouch just isn't ready or if I need to take smaller bites?  God knows I chew the hell out of everything, so I don't think it could be that.  When I throw up after eating the food looks like baby food and is unrecognizable, so I feel good about my chewing.

One bummer this week is that I wasn't planning on telling many people and my roommate told pretty much everyone we know.  That wasn't great news.  It's not that I'm ashamed of it, or even that I wasn't planning on telling people (truly I was going to tell 90% of the people in my life, I just kind of wanted to do it on my own terms).  Anyways, I guess the cat's out of the bag so to speak, so no point in crying over it.  I've had mixed reactions, but for the most part people are supportive.  One thing that I find off putting is how comfortable people are with asking how much you've lost.  I mean, I'd never ask anyone that, and yet people are constantly asking me the number.  Some people I tell, others I just say "it's a decent amount".  I still have a long way to go, but overall I am feeling much better (minus the constipation) than I have in years.  I have way more energy, I have more confidence and most importantly for me, I have hope that I can do this.

Have a great week everyone.