DragonLilly
So its hard to know where to start a story about something that has always been....So I will start with the fact that I cannot remember EVER being "skinny" ... sure my weight has gone up and down but I have always been fat. Now I look at this as both a blessing and a curse ... the bad side is of course the unyielding hurtful nasty nature of people in general (worse in the childhood and teen days) towards fat people, the social difficulties and limitations and of course related health problems (which thankfully I did not really start having until my late 20's) .. now from a brighter side because I have ALWAYS been this way at a very young age a developed I well I don't know any better attitude, kind of like I didn't know I wasn't suppose to be this way or that I was different, I learned to accept myself and for the most part through my entire life have been pretty comfortable in my own skin.
Now don't get me wrong, as I got older and more aware of the world and the teasing started, I cried and wished and prayed not to be fat, High school hit and the diets started, I had the depression, the low self esteem at times and everything else that comes with being a teenage girl in high school - fat or not. Sure I didn't have many friends but the ones I did have where real friends. So did my size stop me for trying out for cheer-leading..(there's a whole story on its own in there lol) NOPE!!! Did it stop me from joining the drama club..NOPE and the choir and the year book committee... not that these things where easy but I tried to have that "I don't care what you think" approach... didn't always work and sometimes ended in tears and frustration but I was fortunate to be plagued by depression and body image issues like many of the "skinny" girl in my school where and like alot of fat people often are. I think to me I saw the way people treated me more like sizeism (not a real word).. like racism.... being judged because I was different and less like my size was "bad".
So now fast forward a few years ..... right after high school I met the love of my life on the internet (long before it was "acceptable") and ran off to Florida at only 18 to start my new life... woah what a culture shock that was... from living down town Toronto my whole life to being basically in the Everglades with a huge cow field that would keep up to gators in the river...and OMG the heat.. Now I’m out on my "own" in the so called real world lol. Come to find out it just High school with more people and more jerks... but now instead of not getting on the team you don't get jobs, the name calling get worse and more "colourful" and my self esteem hit an all time low.... all the "beautiful" people at the beach, the fact that I lived so close to Bush Gardens and Disney World but could no longer fit any of the rides, that I couldn't fly home without having to ask for a seat belt extender, etc.. You all know the trials of being fat.
My Husband and I have been together 12 wonderful years now. We have had many adventures over the years, many ups and downs, unfortunately this has not stopped me from becoming more and more uncomfortable in my own skin, as I got bigger and bigger and bigger from being a housewife (work visa issues) for many years...eating and playing video games all day does a number on you... my self esteem went down and down... it got to the point where everything I do, every decision I made I had to take my size into consideration...my quality of life melted away.
Last summer due to circumstances outside of our control (the economic downfall) we where left with no other option but to return to Toronto to live with my mother...now at 29 that was NOT an easy thing to do. Now keep in mind living in states with no health care I had not seen a doctor in many many years, aside from emergency things like when I got pneumonia and a double ear infection at the same time... so naturally once I get settled in off to the doctors I go.. well that was depressing..come to find out I am 350 lbs (the biggest I have EVER been and much heavier then I actually thought I was), not only that but I have type 2 diabities, slightly elevated cholesterol (but perfect blood pressure). So naturally doc sets me up on the meds and a sugar meter and sends me off the a dietician (waste of my time as she kind of just talks in circles and tell me things I already know), so after a few months I bring up my frustration with the fact that even after some effort my weight has not changed... to which my doctor ever so non shelantly replies " oh have you ever considered surgery?" I was like HELL YES I HAVE (like a million times) to which I am informed that gastric bypass is 100% covered by our health care here in Ontario ... SCORE I think to myself ... The referral is then sent into Dr. Klein’s office...and I wait ........................................
What’s that in the mail??? A letter from the Bariatric clinic..... a questionnaire ok sweet I got this.... fill it out... mail it in August 10th 2009 ...... and wait.... and wait....and wait 10 loooooooooooong months later ....May 18th 2010 ..A phone call....who the F is calling me? I don't recognize that number .... Hello!?!? - " Hi is this Alicia?" - ummm yes - "Hi this is so and so calling from Dr. Klein’s office are you still interested in bariatric surgery?" - Hell yes!!! (yes I actually said that to her) - The fit me in for May 31st .... over joyed with excitement I call my husband, my mom well most everyone I know lol.... the next 14 days are LONG ones. Now I had done some looking into WSL in the past in all its various forms...but for the next 14 days its ALL I do... read read read watch videos find blogs of people per and post op, look at hundreds of before and after pics...day dream of what my life might be like if this really happens. I read all the success stories.. all the HOROR stories - I watch videos of the actually surgical procedure - read more blogs, forums etc.... every post op and pre op information I can find... just any information I could get my hands on (how I found out about this website btw).... I get all hyped up (I'm a bit of an excitable person, doesn't take much to get me all excited)
So My appointment is at 11:30am ... I'm there at 11 (thankfully I went early kinda hard to find it your first time)....and wait.... and wait... my goddess these people like to make you wait.. come to find out Dr. Klein is stuck in surgery and will not be able to see anyone until 3:00pm (they don't tell us this until almost 12) ... ok go eat lunch ...wander the hospital a little bit .... go back to the clinic slap on the iPod and snooze a little off and on ... chat up the other people there (one was post op so I played 20 questions of course)... FINALY he's here ... "Alicia come on back!" ... ZOOM!!! like the wind I’m up and headed into the back... Dr. Klein chit chats with my a bit about randomness then takes my medical history then asks me what I know about the surgery .... off I go with all the information I learned the past 2 weeks...he actually had to stop me lol ... didn't bother with his flip chart... reweighed me (UHG 361lbs ... try not to puke on myself at the sight of that) explained to me some of the risks involved and told me I was a good candidate...sent me to the front to schedule my preliminary test and appointments.
I'm handed a sheet with dates to see the social worker, dietician and a gastric bypass "class" and upstairs to set up my appointments for my test..... sleep study, ECG and pulmonary test scheduled. Step 1 .. DONE (well really like step a million but hey I am viewing it as step 1 of the new beginning) Step 2 - the sleep study only 5 days after my initial appointment too..woohoo moving quick.... I show up at the appointed time (7:45 PM) they show me to my room, 30 minutes or so later get me covered in wires and sticky goop and tube in my nose (man that thing hurts) and are like...so you ready for bed?? (at this point its only 8:30pm) I'm like nope..so I go back to my room looking like a robot puked all over me and watch some anime on my Zen and chat with hubby on yahoo messenger via my iPod touch.....time moves slooowly but by 10:30 I feel tired enough that I think I can sleep...so they plug me in do their little tests turn the light off and the nightmare starts... the room is hot the bed is small I have wires attached all over my body limiting my movement, the tube in my nose REALLY hurts and is bugging the hell out of me... a night of fitful rest awaits me... toss and turn ... the testers come in every now and then and reattached any random wires I have managed to yank out, re tape the thing in my nose (I seemed to have pulled it out in one of my small moments of sleep)....every noise I hear I pray that its time to get up...finally 5:00am ... the test is over....BRIGHT light quickly turned on, loud voices telling me test is done....I am quickly unplugged and shoved out the door... overnight bag and pillow in tow I take the bus home...shower and get into bed with hubby for some REAL sleep.
And now here we are... the last few years have been hard - my bestest best friend in the whole world died, my mother had breast cancer (100% recovered--she is so strong and I love her so much), had to put my baby girl dog down (RIP Lilith mama misses you), jobless for a long time - but thanks to my Husband, my mother and my dear friends I survived and now this great opportunity has given me something to look forward to .... honestly the idea of NOT being fat actually scares me to death more then going under the knife (though that freaks me out too).. its always been a huge part of who I am...its always who I have seen when I look in the mirror ....The journey has started... I know its not going to be easy ... I know its going to be alot of work and there are going to be ALOT of ups and downs... but with my family and my husband... and all of you ... we will do it together.
So please join me on my journey …..I’ll share my story and look forward to hearing yours and I promise I will do my best to update regularly.
Alicia
