dylana
I am 35 years old with a great husband and two beautiful children.
As a child/teenager I was always thin, likely because I was extremely active with field hockey, soft ball, volley ball and other physial activities. I remember one day in the locker room hearing some of the other girls complaining about their weight (typical teenage angst)- and I thought to myself how lucky I was to be perfectly happy with my weight- I didn't have to worry about what I ate ever it seemed. I was proud of my body image and confident in myself. I left high school at a healthy 120 pounds. College did its magic and I left at a typical 140 pounds. I was annoyed, but still ok with my body image, and I know that I have become less active and more acclined to alcohol at the time. And then it all went away.
Around 22 the pounds starting piling on. I was depressed due to lack of focus,no boyfriend, no good job, no friends since I had decided to move back home to finish off my degree. I dated a lot, but it was empty low self esteem dating. Everyone seemed to want to be with me because I was pretty and fun. But really I was empty and wanted people to want to be with me because I was smart, not just pretty. I gained 50 pounds in one year and thought for sure I had doomed myself to a life alone- who could love someone who was fat...but the dates kept coming and I knew then that I was just convincing myself that that was the reason I was getting fat. The truth is its in my genes and my entire family suffers from it, ut once I realized that getting fat wasn't going to get me a better (more appreciative and less shallow) man, it was too late- I didn't even want to be with myself. I had trapped myslef in a prision of my own design where the fun, vivacious and enterprising woman I was/am was buried away behind insecurities and horror. Not to mention I just felt plain bad. After each baby I gained more until now I am 226. And with each pound more and more of my self has been buffered by the weight.
I made the decision to have WLS last year. After trying diets and exercise and getting amazing support from my husband, and doctor... it was time to take control. MY weiht had forced me into solitude with family, friends and others. I was pushing my husband away emotionally and even worse, physically. Once a free active sexual person, I am now hovering under the covers with the lights out and fearing that the activity alone will give me a heart attack. I avoid social activities wit friends and others because I am afraid of how I will have to compensate. Last year I took a business trip to South Africa- I dreased it because I knw there would be wine tours and hiking and general outdoor activity. I went and huffed and puffed my way though a trek in the mountains and on safari, sweating and stopping for breath frequently. I know that everyone around me was supportive... but I was embarressed that I couldn't keep pace and worse was angry at myself that I couldn't be the person I know I am.
Another example was the time I tried to decorate my home. I am a very self sufficient person. So I decided to paint my daughters room myself. Shortly into the process I alsmost fell off the laddeer- I was dizzy and my heart was racing, all from painting one wall. Maybe part of the problem is that although I know I am tracppede in this body, I cant quite accept it, so I go to the aerobics class and keep pace (which almost gives me a heart attack) and I continue to do things I once could. But each time I get more and more depreses. Prozac has helped with the depression, but I still feel trapped. It is time to break out! I know it will be hard, but I just need the change to make a start again. I owe it me and my family.
