Great read about long term return of investment

Jan 15, 2009

My thoughts:

Surgery will give you "willpower" for a while because it will be an impossibility to get a lot in (unless you're like me and ate ice cream sandwiches like stated above and then realized that might not be the most ideal way to start the process - lol). As time goes by the investment will land entirely on your shoulders. For me I had to be FORCED to stop the food crazy and that's what happened in the beginning. I damn near had a tantrum every time I wanted to eat something and couldn't. And then I'd step back and go "WTH? It's only food girl. Get a grip!". I had to be stopped to understand that it WAS only food and with that I realized I never really needed to go apeshit crazy with it in the first place.

See, I'm the queen of black and white thinking. Actually I'm the dowager queen of black and white thinking because for the most part I'm a widow to extremes. I needed to find balance. I needed to understand it wasn't about perfection but rather about progress. People gripe about silly things sometimes and I'm sitting here thinking "but don't you SEE how far you've come?!" because I don't understand what level of excellence people expect to aspire to. In my experience if you don't celebrate the little things you're going to be holding out a while for the BIG things. Little celebrations for me have been paramount to the big things because it's the little things that make me want to stay the course. If I based all my victory on scale readouts the desire to follow the rules would eventually give way because scale victories cease. I'm more determined to follow the rules and let everything else fall around them. The rules are so easy they're really easy to complicate so that's why I'm centered and focused on following the rules as closely as humanly possible. And when chaotic thinking takes over I know I've strayed off the cardinal rules because WITH the rules comes clarity of thought and action. Who knew a simple set of lifetime rules would offer liberation? I know I didn't.

Now just so you know - I haven't had any formal therapy after surgery. That doesn't mean I haven't invested umpteen hours on self discovery through prior therapy, hospitalizations for depression and eating disorders, self help books, and just plain holding myself accountable. Accountability doesn't mean beating yourself up if you screw up. It means you look yourself in the eye and ask one simple question. Why? When you fall off the wagon you march yourself over to a mirror and literally look yourself in the eye and ask why you did what you did. Your reasons no matter how irrational they might be are still valid and deserve further investigation. Because your spouse not loving you enough, or your kid being sick, your bills stacking up in the corner, or your parents dying, or your dog missing, or your car breaking down will not be fixed with food. EVER. Chester Cheetah and Little Debbie are not going to make any of that happen. Once you realize that food is only food it loses it's power. And with this realization I learned it was never about the food. It was how I chose to use the food that mattered.  

So if you want to know what I choose to do to be successful - it's choosing to not put my head in the sand and ignore questionable behavior. Yes - I plan on jumping all over the scale for the rest of my life. I will regain. I will lose. I will bounce. I will stick. I will whatever. But as long as I choose to have transparency of action and thought then how could I not be successful. Success for me is all about being cognitive of my continual evolution. And with that cognition food demons hold no power in the court of my transparency.


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Feb 06, 2008
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