Easternshoregrl

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Well, back up to 204 again.  I understand I had a family gatheing weekend and ate what I shouldn't and didn't exercise.  I came back home, went to the gym and was getting my act together and after 3 days of it, haven't budged from 204.  I will never understand why I can go up 2-5lbs in one day, but take 2 to 3 weeks to get back there by busting my ass. I've been drinking plenty of water, exercising, no sweets, eating fish and salad with balsamic vinegarette dressing.  Only thing I can think of is I am eating late, like 7pm or later and after the gym.  I don't have much of an appetite till then. I get home by 6 and have to start dinner, which is why I eat so late. I don't know why I went almost 2 years at where I wanted to be, and I'm totally screwed up now.  Getting older and screwed up metabolism?  IDK

Had another fill on the 22nd so I am back to the fill point I was before my issue back in March.  I am 199.6 now and feeling better mentally.  It is amazing what the scale can do to you.

Thank you all who posted for being there. 

I had to take some Atavan yesterday. I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I took a pic with my cell of my enormous fat disgusting 11lb gut that has developed over the past month and posted it on instagram.  I cried and cried and cried and this was not good seeing I had to attend my daughter's college graduation. I had to pull it together so I took the 2 atavan to calm down to get through the ceremonies. Not only am I a fat failure, all I can do it think about my own problems and cry and be miserable when I should be happy because it was my daughter's day. What added to it was all my nice pants I wanted to wear to the graduation were uncomforatably tight.

I blog here because I don't want to cause turmoil on the boards and I want everyone who responds to my blog to know that I appreciate eveyrthing you say and the fact that you care enough to say anything at all here.

I've now gained 11 lbs.  Can't stop eating. Never feel full. Up 11lbs since April 10th.  I hate myself, I hate my life, and I wish I would just die.  I don't want to kill myself so don't anyone go calling the cops to my house, I just am so miserable I don't want to live anymore.  I can't stand busting my ass 4X a week at the gym only to be so constantly hungry and once I start eating I can't stop. I ate 4 slices of pizza yesterday, Ate a steak with mushrooms and broccoli today, I can eat a 4cup bowl of salad and still be hungry.  Oh yeah, it was employee appreciation day and the supervisors brought in 4 dz donuts.  I ate 4 donuts in less than 5 minutes, went home and ate 2 fish tacos. FML  Today it was 6 cookies and a cup of strawberries in about 5 minutes, and an hour later had that steak that I mentioned above.  I'm never full and I get hungry (for real) an hour after I eat and even when I'm not hungry, I  can eat ridiculous amounts of food. I used to have to take half my meal home when I went out to eat but now I can polish off an appetizer and my whole meal and still feel I can eat more.  This is so fucking ridiculous. (Excuse my language but I am mad, frustrated and depressed because I have no self control and I"m a worthless piece of shit) I have an appt with my Sx on May 21st. 2 hours and 45 minutes away.  I'll probably be 225 by then.  FML FML FML.

No restriction. Bouncing from 197 to 201 all week. After my last fill I went down to 195, creeped up to 201.8 and now I"m at 200.  I have no restriction.  I"m at the gym still 3-4 times a week, and I am walking on my lunch hour.  I am eating the right stuff this time, but ridiculous amounts. (ok easter screw up as well with the candy). I have 1ml less than what I did when I was too tight. Should I trek the 2hrs and 45min, pay the 30.00 copay and get another fill?  I feel one ml will be too much because it will bring me back to what I was when I was too tight. I feel I need more because I can't stop eating, when I eat, I don't feel satisfied. I measure, and I'm hungry 20 min later and I eat.  I'm feeling frustrated and choose to vent here. 

What will I do?  Get another fill and deal with it. I may ask to have my case transferred to a local Dr. if that is at all possible. The 2 1/2 hr ride for a 5 min office visit is ridiculous with the price of gas.

Went to the Dr Thursday and had a 2ml fill. He reviewed the tests and I do NOT have a hiatel hernia. I have restriction but not as much as 2 months ago. Last month he took 3ml out and last week put 2ml back in. He put in the 3, but it felt a little too tight when we tested it. Of course the 3 days liquid/smushy foods allowed me to lose 5lbs, but it's back to food today and I must admit I am nervous.

I'm at the gym 4X a week for 45min to an hour.  I'm eating and I can't stop. No restriction. I"m now 202 from 196 a month ago.  I'm so miserable. I just can't stop eating once I start.  By dinner time I'm so hungry and my stomach is growling like a bear. I start eating, finish eating, start eating, finish eating. The stuff in the fridge screams to my brain until I answer it. It's like 7 yrs ago all over again. Actually, it's like my whole entire life pre-band all over again.  I go back to the sx on Thurs and I hope he puts the fluid back in the band.

Either I eat nothing, or eat everyting.  I've been bouncing from 199 to 196 to198 to 199. Working out for an hour 3X a week or more. Only eating once a day because when I do eat, I can't stop.  I need my fill put back. Come ON April 10th before I go over 200 again....

:-(

I'm afraid to start eating anything because it seems that when I start I can't stop. It's 6yrs ago all over again.  Granted, I'm not eating shakes cookies and chips but being able to put away 2+ chicken breasts without feelin full scares the hell out of me.  I'm to the point where I won't cook anything and I"m living on pre packaged stuff so I don't go off the deep end. Going to the gym at least once a day to counter act the eating and I'm sore and exhausted.  ONLY positive thing is my sugar cravings are gone. Don't go back to the Dr till the 10th with my cat scan, ultrasound and egd films.

I had half the fluid taken out of my band due to some constant "stuck" issues and my sx thought the area may be irritated. I don't go back for a month. When I was on the 3 day liquids after the unfill, I lost 3 lbs. I went back on solids yesterday and gained it all back.  I forgot how if felt to eat and not be stuck every time and not I have gone into a spiral. It's like OMG, I can EAT and I'm not getting STUCK and if feels so good. Everything goes down without a hitch.  I'm not eating any sliders like I was , like shakes, cookies, etc but I was at least maintaining when I was.

I still go to the gym, kicked up my workout to an hour instead of 45 minutes, keeping my heart rate up on the elliptical and treadmill.

How much am I going to weigh in a month when I am out of control with no restriction?  Once an addict, always an addict.  I won't post this on the boards because I am sick of the bashers but I had to write this down and vent.  I'm so upset. It has only been 5 days since I had the unfill.  I'm so worthless and have no self control.