I feel like a complete failure... 5yrs out...

Mar 05, 2015

I know it has been forever since I have been on here.... I have been reading posts on here for about a week. I really lost touch with myself and this site. I decided last Monday to go back and read all my blog posts. Took me 2 days but I did even though it was hard....

So let me fill you in on what has been happening the past 2yrs.... ugh...

I ended up getting married to a man that I have know now for over 17yrs. Everything was perfect in the beginning. He didn't like the fact that I didn't eat that much. He thought it wasn't good. Slowly over time I began to eat a little more with him. Now after we married that is when his true colors came out. He was truly an alcoholic!!! An alcoholic that became violent. I suffered the past 2yrs with domestic violence, him being an alcoholic and I was assaulted by 2 of his male cousins... Over the past 2yrs I have put on weight. I was completely depressed! I hated myself. Every time I tried to leave he would make me feel bad. I put myself on the back burner to try and help him. HUGE MISTAKE! January 2013 I weighed 200lbs. As of this week I weigh 271.6lbs!!! Yes I gained that in the past year. SMH!!! I know I am putting my personal info out there but I think it is important for others to read this. Someone might be in the same situation as me (or should I say as I was!) Something snapped in me 1/1/15. I changed and broke out of my shell and said no more! I have let myself go and allowed it to happen. See when you are living with someone with bad habits those bad habits eventually rub off on you! Because of the abuse and his alcohol use.... I turned to alcohol as well. Every night for over a year I had to have my drinks before bed. It numbed the pain I was going through. I was hooked and couldn't stop until January of this year! So since January I have been doing some lifestyle changes. I stopped drinking those cocktails all together, stopped smoking and started to focus on me. The longest time I just dealed with everything going on because my husband excepted me even after I gained the weight. Even though he is mentally, physically and emotionally abusive... but I had noticed since last fall he started calling me fat when he was drunk. He threw in my face that I failed and something was wrong with me that I even needed the surgery to loose weight in the first place. I was heartbroken all over again....crushed! Anyways to make a long story short.... he has been in jail since January of this year because I finally stood up for myself. I started to focus on myself and making changes. I would loose 5lbs then gain it. So depressing. I decided to get back on here. this site is extremely important. I had that I ever lost touch with this placse. After reading posts and then reading all my posts.... I decided last Tuesday to go back to what I know and start from the beginning. I'm talking back when I was going to the NUT before surgery. I remember doing optifast and checked into it but too many carbs. I had did 4 shakes a day, 1 meal bar and a frozen diet meal with 1/2cup of veggies for 12wks. SOOOOOOOOOO I decided to go back to that except for 4 protein shakes a day, 2oz meat protein in a cup of salad for lunch and dinner. I did consult with my doctor and it is safe to do. If I want to get back to where I once was then I have to do this and I can do this! After work Tuesday night I went and bought my shakes and supplies. Wednesday (yesterday) was day 1. It went really well. I felt full all day because of all the protein. I had about 103g of protein. I was normally getting about 30-40g before that. Today is day 2!!! Yippee! Going good so far. My work closed so I decided since I had no work and my daughter had no school we went to the gym this morning. I felt great! I noticed that even though I am full I will still look at the food here every time I go in the kitchen and the urge is there to eat it even though I am full. I gotta break those bad habits I have had for the past 2yrs. I'm back on this site and will never loose touch with it again. I may not post daily but will try to a few times a month.

If anyone out there is in a situation like I was please get out and seek help before it is too late!

Oh and remember to not let someone else's bad habit become your bad habits....

 

Thanks for listening everyone!

4 comments

3 years post-op!

Feb 23, 2013

Whooooa!!! I can't believe as of yesterday I am 3 years out!!! What a crazy journey I have been on. I have managed to maintain my weight loss. I can't seem to get under 199lbs but I can't be mad because I started off at 435lbs! I have my everyday struggles still. If I had any advice it would be that if something is wrong and bothering you then seek help asap! I know its hard to talk to family and friends because they really don't understand what we went through and the last thing we want is for them to think we have failed because we are facing a problem such as emotional. The rapid weight loss plays a huge mind game with you. I have learned that just because you loose weight it doesn't fix your problems you had pre-op and sometimes creates more problems post-op/ Those problems are always going to be there unless you seek help and address them. It only makes things worse to keep them to yourself and to go on as if nothing is wrong. I am very thankful that I was able to have the gastic bypass and would do it all over again if I had to. I am truly blessed and thankful God was with me to see me through! Good luck to everyone who is up and coming with your surgery and to those who are post-op keep up the good work!!! Oh yeah the scale isn't your friend at all! It plays a huge mind game on you because even though the numbers may not move at times doesn't mean you are not loosing. Keep track of your inches!

14 comments

who am i.....?

Aug 25, 2011

Does anyone have issues when they see themselves in the mirror?

I dunno... I just don't know this person starring back at me.

Its weird because I don't feel comfortable around anyone who knew me "before" the wls...  Its like I'm only comfortable around those who just know the "new" me...  I can't stand how they stare and all that other stuff... ugh..

Does that make any sense???

Its like nobody understands me and where I'm coming from on this..

Does anyone feel the way I do??
23 comments

Gallbladder...

May 09, 2011

So I may have to have my gallbladder taken out.... gotta do some tests first to rule it out...

Tomorrow @ 3pm I have an apt to get an ultrasound of my abdomen done...

Friday @ 10am I have an apt to get a HIDA scan with cck done... ugh not really looking forward to that..

Awaiting an apt for a scope done... really not looking forward to that!!!  It makes me really nervous!  I just wanna be out cold for that one!

I mean I'm really not having pain but I always, always, always feel nauseous!!!

Even if it has to come out... I'm not mad.... I'm just thankful to of had my wls...
9 comments

Happy Mother's Day Ladies!

May 08, 2011

 
Just wanted to wish all the moms, expecting moms and future moms a Happy Mother's Day!!!
1 comment

Shopping :)

Apr 17, 2011

I never knew I would enjoy shopping so much again now that I am much smaller!  Before my wls I dreaded shopping.. It felt more like a chore then pleasure...
 
Lets think about it for a minute.  Shopping being morbid obese isn't at all fun!  I mean you are limited to one maybe two stores tops... Trying to find the biggest size they offer and still trying to squeeze into it is so depressing.  And how bout those horrid prints they offer in the plus sizes?? I mean come on just because people are larger doesn't mean they don't have style and wanna look good...  

I love the feeling I get being able to shop in any old store I want.  Its amazing!!! I still am wearing size 12 jeans and a large/XL shirt and can fit into juniors size XL or 13jeans... I just love shopping now and can literally spend hours in one store trying everything on in sight!

Keep up the great work everybody and happy shopping skinny minis!!!

oh yeah and please always remember...  you are worth it!
5 comments

Reasons why I'm THANKFUL for my wls...

Mar 22, 2011

Just wanted to stop by and see how everyone is doing???

I am still doing great and living life!!!

I never would have imagined that I would turn out to be this happy from my wls... Its amazing!

 Reasons why I'm thankful for my wls...

1) I am healthy now!
2) I am able to have more fun with my daughter!
3) I know as long as I continue to take care of myself I will live longer!
4) I met the love of my life last summer (he fell in love with me when I was 90lbs heavier)
5) I have a new grown confidence!
6) I have so much more energy!
7) I have lost more than half my weight so far!
8) I am in a size 12 from a tight tight 32!
9) I don't sleep all the time like I did in the past!
10) NO more cpap!
11) NO more swelling!
12) NO more prescriptions (except vitamins)
13) I love being me now!
14) I look GREAT!
15) I FEEL AMAZING!!!

Those are just a few....

Remember YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

Keep up the great work everyone!!!
14 comments

New pics & Some helpful advice :)

Mar 11, 2011

So I have posted new pics maybe a week ago and can't help but keep checking them out...  Its crazy I go back and fourth between the "BEFORE" n the "1 year post op pics" and can't believe my eyes!

I just want to remind everyone new to this journey pre and newly post op that when things seem tough don't give up... Keep your eye on the goal because it is possible!!!  Granted I am not a goal weight yet but I'm getting there... you just gotta be positive!

Here are somethings that has helped me along the way...
1.  I never check my weight everyday.. In fact its more like once a month. (reason being is because I didn't want to come obsessed with checking too often.  I like waiting a month to see a bigger loss in numbers rather than seeing a pound here and there come off)

2.  Treat yourself... ( I never told myself "no u can't have this or that ever again... Let's face it your gonna wanna try a bite of goodies every now and then.. Have a bite or two!!! yes I did say that... lol well come on your more likely to go wild and get off track if you limit yourself.  There is nothing wrong with every once and a while having a few bites of something tasty)

3.  Use a pill reminder box for your vitamins (for many months I stopped taking everything because I forgot to  and/or didn't remember what I took and so on.  Well about 3 months ago I decided to try one of those little weekly reminder boxes and it has done wonders for me!  I like to take sooooo many things so this way its easy to remember what to take)

4. Enjoy Life!  (Your changing and its fast for some and slow for others.. Mine has been fast!  So fast that when I looked in the mirror last week I just cried because I realized that I don't know/recognize that reflection staring back at me... Its hard to get used to but you can't let your changes  get in the way of your happiness!  I changed sooooo much that I felt depressed for a while but now I know that I need to enjoy these changes and my "new" life I have... this wonderful second chance of happiness I was blessed with)

5.  Be Thankful!  (Yup, Yup that's right.. you gotta be thankful!  There are so many people out there who do not get the opportunity to have WLS like we have or are getting ready too...  I am very thankful to God for making this all possible for me!  I will forever be grateful)

These are just some of the things that has helped me along the way... I hope maybe some of this advice will help some of you as well...

If anyone ever needs to talk feel free to send me a message!

Good luck to all of you and remember... Never give up..

YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!
18 comments

I know its been forever but i'm 1yr post op!!!

Feb 23, 2011

I can't believe its been soooo long since I last posted.  I got so caught up with school and work... and not to mention my computer broke!!!! So I had no computer since Oct of last year up until now!!!

So I am officially 1 year post op!!!  Wow what an amazing but crazy journey!

I would recomend this surgery to anyone!!!  I feel great!

So starting my journey 6 months pre op I was at 435lbs... (ugh..)

now 18months later (1yr post op + 6months pre op) I am now 209lbs!!!

I started out at a size very tight 32 jeans day of surgery to a size... drum roll please.... lol a size 12!!! and my shirts are a size XL some large now which is good coming from a 6XL...

I am just very thankful to have come this far... even though I am yet to be in the 100s I think I have done outstanding...

don't get me wrong I still have things I really shouldn't but its not pigging out or anything.. I learned the best thing to do is not to limit yourself and say... oh no i can't have that... but to say yes I can have that but only a few bites here and there...

I have finished school and now I am a nationally certified medical assistant.. just searching for a job now.. can't wait!

I do notice that I like to be around people who didn't know me before surgery.. I just feel weird around those who knew me before at my highest weight.. always feels like they are stalking me with their eyes... 

I wish everyone well I will be getting back on much sooner!!!

Good luck to everyone.. remember don't give up!!! 

YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! 
13 comments

I know its been a while...

Sep 25, 2010

but i'm doing GREAT!!! I am down 171lbs today from my highest start weight.. I'm feeling good... I'm looking good.. I'm doing good...  I got someone special in my life!!! So happy about that.. I feel like i'm at the top of the world!!! 

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a long time.. I have been so busy with work and school... it never ends!!!  I will try to get on here at least once a week from now on....  I hope everyone is doing great and feeling great!!!



4 comments

About Me
DE
Location
35.8
BMI
RNY
Surgery
02/22/2010
Surgery Date
Jan 08, 2010
Member Since

Friends 108

Latest Blog 54

×