Took a Mulligan - VSG to RnY revision done

Nov 01, 2015

Well I'm one week post op from my revision and so far I feel great, except for the Alien lump in my upper left abdomen. A result of the Pulmonary idiots deciding I needed a shot of Lovenox the morning of surgery, cause me to excessively bleed. Huge hematoma and large lump but it gets better everyday. I've been a good gorl doing protien shakes with water and eating protien jello. The pain is the only thing I wish would go away so I could get back to work. May take a little longer than I thought.

 

Well I'm going to try and write onhere more and getsupport. The old support group at the hospital isn't going to cut it for me as I have a been there done that attitude when I listen to ecited newbies, knowing that I was once there and ended up regaining 80lbs and having to go under the knife AGAIN!! No mulligan after this.

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It's a tool not a cure.

Feb 03, 2015

I am so disgusted with myself and feel like a failure with my WLS. I'm easily back to 340lbs and my legs feel so horrible. I am even more convinced that I have binge eating disorder and although I have been in cognitive therapy since I was 15 yrs old,I'm still so controlled by the food. I binge when I'm stressed. A year and half after my surgery I was fired from my job and was okay for a little while. I actually reached 259lbs in the summer of 2010 several months after being fired but then my finances got really bad as I could not find a new job. I have a masters degree (along with three other degrees) and yet I have not been able to find a job that provides a liveable wage since May 2010 when I lost my job. I turned back to food for comfort and honestly it was easier to eat crap then buy healthy food. I have gained a little ground during the last 5 years only to be faced with a huge financial stress or loss and would dive into the binge behavior. Since I had the sleeve surgery, I could binge the way I used too but eating high calorie/high sugar foods all day is just as deadly as eating large amounts in a short period of time.

I'm so depress and just want to crawl into bed and never wake up.....but through all the depression, negative feelings, & physical pain, I truly believe God has a plan for all this. He know the outcome and I continue to hold out hope that something will happen and my financial stress with go away and I will once again be able to focus on eating healthy and getting back on track. I so miss the "high" I had right after my surgery. 

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Not giving up even when I give in!

Aug 01, 2012

Since my last visit to OH I'm back up several more lbs. It is really depressing and it just continues to reinforce my conclusion that my Doc should have been a brain surgery. 

I recently returned to his support group and the old pains of being shoved out as leader by the old Bariatric Coordinator are still too painful. I don't handle rejection very well and I feel like not only did she reject me but the people I thought were my friends, even Doc, turned their back on me and supported her decisiion. She eventually quit the job and all the good things I started with the group were all gone.

I was passionate and invested in the patients, my fellow travelers and it felt like I was exiled. Partly my own pride and wounded ego but the other was not imagined....out of sight, out of mind as the old adage goes. It hurt a lot. I'm no longer angry but I don't trust the people who I once called my friends and support.

I feel alone with my WLS and my now daily struggle to get back on track....so I've come back to where I started....here.
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Steadly Losing Ground

Oct 26, 2011

16 months since I last posted, almost 3 years since my VSG surgery, and I am back over 300lbs (305.8 this morning). Up 47lbs since my lowest weight of of 258lb in August of 2010. Still down 125lbs for which I am so very grateful but I am scared!

No job, house in foreclosure, issues with spinal stenosis and over depression are kicking my butt. This site was such a God send to me prior to my surgery, gave me hope and courage to forge this new relationship with food. Yet my relationship hasn't changed and it is going to kill me if I don't find like minded warriors to stand with me.

I know that the majority of people don't get to be super morbidly obese without having an eating disorder. I look to food for emotional release - release from loneliness, sadness, boredom, any feeling really because I find them all uncomfortable. I know that there is a better place to put all my incompatibility, in the hands of my Lord and Savior Jesus, yet because I have to eat at several points everyday I am constantly on shifting sand where my faith and reliance in Jesus is concerned.

To chose foods that are nourishment to this temple He has entrusted to me and to indulge in foods that stuff and push away emotional, life's incompatibility, is the battle I engage in everyday. Lately the world that I currently live in is full of hardship, pain and anxiety - sooooooooooo hate to feel these feelings. So I cover up my discomfort for the outside world with a smile and try to tell myself "God is in control" but then whenever I am tempted with those indulgences that have served as nothing but pain producers in my life - I chose PAIN!

What is wrong with me?

If you can identify, if you too are in this battle email me. I'm recruiting for the Lord's Army against the devils twisted calling to a poisonous relationship with food.

In His love & service,
Eileen
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Haven't been here in awhile

Jun 16, 2010

Seems like lots of people are just like me....hot & heavy on here in the beginning of the journey but about 6-9mons in we fall away. Life was waiting for me and I got caught up in living. Sorry to all who are out there looking for guidence. I know how important it was for me to have some "old timers" on the boards when I first found OH. Will do my best to check in a bit more often.

So here are my stats: Turned 50 in April & on my Birthday I was down from 430lbs (highest weight - 9/08 prior to Surgery -11/24/08) 273lbs. I went from a 38 pants/4x-5x tops to currently 18w-20w/ XL. I have to say I have been in a stall since Jan.2010 and it has a lot to do with taking back old eating behaviors and eating trigger foods/junk foods. It is a scary place.

Life has been a nightmare since my 50th birthday: had to put to sleep 16y.o. fur-baby, two other females have been having major dog-fights for alpha position - I've been bit 3x, this last time has been the worst. Lose my job of 6 years and recently had the Support Group Leader role taken away from me by the coordinator. So am feeling fairly lost and struggling everyday not to give in to emotional eating.

I have lost approx. 10lbs since my birthday but I've been in the same 10lb circle since Jan.'10. I want to lose another 85-90lbs so I need to get my act together.

Maybe this site will help me, but I need the face to face human contact and the accountability to other. I have been toying with the idea of starting my own Bariatric Lifestyle Support and Resource company w/two other women who had surgery w/my Doc. We have a brain storming meeting tomorrow morning and Friday I meet w/a man who runs a counseling center about possible space rental.

I just keep praying for God's Purpose.
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13 months, 2 weeks since surgery

Jan 07, 2010

Well it has been one hellava year! I'm down 155lbs since my highest weight of 430 back in September '08. I count my weight loss from that number as it was the highest weight I was ever at...I lost about 17 lbs prior to surgery.  My life really is pretty much the same as it was a year ago...pretty funny actually. My issues and problems are all the same - I'm just lighter! I deal with things a little bit better without the added burden of the life threatening weight but my life is still chaotic just the same. And although I definately eat less than I did prior to my sleeve - I still eat over emotions & out of boredom. Only real difference, thanks to surgery, I'm never really hungry - I just know I have to eat.

My intake of food is a lot more than it was this time last year. For breakfast this morning I ate a 2 eggs, 1/4 c soy milk, 1/4 c mushrooms & tomatoes and 1/2 c cheddar cheese omelet; after drinking 64 ozs of coffee with sugar free french vanilla creamer. Now I did that over the course of about 4 hours but that is the problem...I'm still grazing. Part of this is due to the fact that I am home, once again on sick leave from work as I had a hysterectomy on Dec 8, 2008.  Being home, with no money and hugh financial worries constantly has me looking for something to STUFF the anxiety away.

Food is such a horrible nemisis....I have to eat. I have to make decisions everyday on what to eat, when to eat and how much to eat....drugs & alcohol-I put it down and never had to pick it up again...this is definately the hardest part of my addiction. Yet I have a wonderful support network (crucial in my humble opinion, to long term success) and so many people who are vested in my success. I will succeed. I will never give up believing that tomorrow the miracle will come. Took 40+ years from me to walk into the forest, I may never walk all the way out but I am enjoying the stroll in that direction.

I hope all my OH buddies are well....I'm sorry I've been absent. You are never far from my thoughts. Peace~ Eileen
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Time Flys!!!

Oct 05, 2009

OMG I can't believe how fast the summer went and that I have not posted anything since June. Shame on me. You all have been so supportive of my before, during and after my surgery and I know how important it is to give back. To catch you all up...I'm down 146lbs from my heaviest weight and I feel amazing. Been playing around with my food but the most amazing thing is that I can no longer eat the volume I once ate. That said I have been in a stall since June (just saw that I still weight the same since then) but I am okay with where I am at. I am learning everyday to decipher the difference between head hunger and body hunger, I'm learning that my eyes are still WAY to big for my sleeve and that when I can't eat what I have taken I get angry.

I've also had such a physically productive summer doing my own landscaping and gardening. I did a 5k walk a couple weeks ago and am putting together a walking group from my Bariatric Support group. I want to train and walk the 1/2 marathon in Philly next September. Speaking of the support group, my surgeon (Dr. Marc Neff - best doc anywhere) invited me to be the official leader of our support group and I am having a blast with it. Getting speakers and creating programs for the group has been a lot of fun.

So despite my weight being stalled and having still 100lbs I want to drop still, I am happier than I have been in a very long time. I'm planning two excursions within the next month. One is to Great Adventures for their Fright Fest, where I will ride as many roller coasters as I can before I puke! Second is to go horse back riding. Haven't ridden a roller coasted in over 10 years and want to so badly, ever since one of my peers, Linda W. showed me a pic of her riding one at Morley's Peir in Wildwood....I wanna too!!! And today I am sure I can! The horses are another dream I let go of a long time ago and am so looking forward to doing. Need to build up a little more strength in my legs but I am sure I'll be riding again by spring if not sooner.

So I will try to be back on line and update my page as the Fall is settling in on the East Coast. Peace to all~ Eileen
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Offically over 1/2 way to my GOAL!!!!

Jun 24, 2009

I can't believe it! Went for my 7th month check-up with my amazing surgeon, Dr. Neff and I am 290.4 lbs. So my official total is 139.8. How did I ever walk around with another human on my back? I am so amazed and grateful to everyone who has been a part of this journey with me. So grateful to God for guiding me.

All things are possible when you have one hand in God's and the other in the hand of someone who loves you.

Peace~Eileen
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Trails and Adversity

Jun 19, 2009

I'm having particularly difficult life issues lately.....work is a nightmare because of my dysfunctional co-workers, my finances are so bad I am afraid to pick up the phone and I am hanging on my my nails to my dietary program because my natural response to all this stress is to eat...and I can't get the same results as I used to due to my sleeve - thank God- but I am restless, irritable and discontented lately and my therapist, sponsor and those closest to me just keep telling me to persevere. I have two stories to share that are what I am holding onto these days. If you too are struggling I hope they bring you comfort.

Peace~ Eileen
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BE the BEAN!!!!

Jun 19, 2009

Are you a Carrot, an Egg or Coffee Bean?
By Author Unknown

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life, and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it, and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first pot, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what do you see?" "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they got soft. She then asked her to take the egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to smell and sip the coffee. The daughter smiled, as she smelled and tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What's the point, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity- boiling water-but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When trials and adversity knock on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a passive heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside, am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or, am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you become better and change the situation around you.

When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level?

 

How do you handle adversity?
Like the CARROT, the EGG, OR the COFFEE BEAN?

BE THE BEAN!

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About Me
Blackwood Terrace, NJ
Location
46.8
BMI
VSG
Surgery
11/24/2008
Surgery Date
May 10, 2008
Member Since

Friends 25

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