emilyschmimily

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I passed my 2 year surgiversary on Friday, feeling guilty and ashamed.
I felt like I had failed because I am not the 150 pound goal weight for my height. I am not considered a normal BMI.
Have I lost over 150 pounds? Yes.
Have I lost what was expected of me? Probably not.

I am tired of being in denial.
I am struggling to adopt the lifestyle and break the old habits.
I am struggling to see myself as healthy, thinner. I am struggling to see past the extra skin and fat that still lurks on my body.

I am mostly struggling with the emotional eating. I was naive to think that maybe surgery would be a fix to that problem. I have finally realized that that habit is back in its entirety, and honestly, I dont know how to conquer it or even begin fixing the problem.

I was naive to think that losing the weight would be an instant confidence boost.

I am scared to face my surgeon on friday and have the disappointed lecture about me gaining 10 pounds back. I dont want to be that person who failed after a great opportunity was given to them. I dont want to regret all the pain and hardship, and all the money spent to do this. I don't want to be defined as a failure because of this.

I am going back to my basics. I am going back to protein shakes for breakfast. I will track my food, I will drink more water. I will at least try to exercise more. I am going to be more accountable. I am tired of feeling like a failure, and I'm not going to stand for it anymore.  

Well, looks like I am finally one day away from surgery. I can't believe this is my last day as a normal stomach having person. I'm ready, but then again i'm not.... I think everyone still has their reservations up until they put you to sleep. Let's hope everything goes to plan and everything works out as it should!

I was finally approved today, after all the dieting, and psych evals, and crazy hoop jumping.

My surggery date will hopefully be October 12,2010 if everything goes right!