Amy M.

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Call for desperate measures!  In order to get my weight loss moving again I've resorted to a Pre-Op diet sort of lifestyle.  

Breakfast: Protein Shake
Lunch: Protein Shake
Dinner: 4 oz lean meat
Snack: ONE snack of either low fat string cheese, greek yogurt, cottage cheese, etc.

I have lost 6 lbs in 7 days and that is a DAMN MIRACLE!

I can't believe it!  I spent so much time trying to reduce calories, increase calories, reduce again, increase carbs, decrease carbs, exercise more, lift weights more, get more sleep, etc nothing was working to boost my weight loss out of the funk that I was going through.  But now I think I've finally found a good rhythm.  I'm also not doing crazy intense workouts anymore.  I'm making sure that I get between 7,000 - 12,000 steps a day (depending on weather) and I'm drinking my liquids.  

Also, when I increased my exercise I also got in my head to avoid artificial sweeteners.  But I've decided it doesn't make a bit of difference.  So I'm drinking my splenda products all day long and it's treating me just fine. 

On another note, I've got a new job!! It's funny... 7 months ago I left my job for another company offering me the same work, more perks, and more pay.  The entire time I was gone, the company I left was missing me and wanted me back.  Last week they called me and offered me a position for a couple bucks more an hour than what I'm currently making.  It was easy to turn that down. Afterall, I am very happy in my new job.  But then... they came back with an offer that increases my pay by about $8,000 per year  with an annual bonus of between 10-15% of my salary and it's a much better title with a lot more perks.  I couldn't refuse!!

Ever since I made the decision to have WLS amazing things have happened for me.  I just got engaged in April and this new job is going to help pay for my wedding.  I am SO incredibly happy with my life!

I'm starting to come to realize that I'm just not meant to be skinny.  Every time I've ever lost weight my body would literally stop losing at around the 200 lb mark and I'd just maintain and then start gaining weight.  But I'd still be fat when my body would decide to stop losing weight.  So it's happening again.  I got down to 200 pounds and now I'm hovering around 201-202 ever since.  I'm beyond frustrated.  I just can't seem to lose any more weight.  I'm still in the first year post op I should still be losing weight.  My calories are always between 900-1200 and I'm more active now than ever.  Yesterday I walked/jogged 3 miles and burned over 500 calories and today I step on the scale and I've gained a pound.  And I've been exercising a lot every day.  And it's all cardio so it's not like I'm building up a ton of muscle and that's why the scale isn't dropping.  I'm working out, burning fat, and keeping my carbs low/protein high.  Science says I should be losing weight.  So why is my body resisting?  I literally began to cry this morning.  This is how my diets always failed in the past.  I would get to a point where I would stop losing weight and then I'd fall off the wagon out of sheer frustration and gain it all back.  I'm afraid it's going to happen again.  I'm tired of working my ass off for no results.  So that's it.  My body has gone into maintenance mode with about 25-30 lbs to go.  FML.

I can't seem to get out of the 200's.  I seem to hover between 208-210.  I've been killing myself the last 3 weeks doing Beach Body's "21 Day Fix" workout program and I haven't made any progress.  People say that increased exercise causes you to gain weight or maintain weight for a while but it's been over 3 weeks.  The inflammation and water retention can't last forever.  I mean seriously.  I want to be at my goal weight by my 1 year surgiversary but that means I'd have to lose 7-8 per month for 4 months to make that happen.  I just don't see it happening.  I miss the early days when I was dropping 3 lbs every week and the fat was just melting away.  *sigh* I wish the honeymoon period lasted longer.  Now I feel like I did back before surgery when I had to and kick and struggle for every pound.  The only difference is I don't get as hungry.  But even my nutrition has had some slips here and there.  I miss FOOD!  And I also miss alcohol! I've been doing my best to keep to the plan but it's getting harder and harder to avoid snacks.  I still have not had any pizza, bread, pasta, rice, french fries, etc.  I have however had fried foods such as chicken wings and fried chicken.  Not a lot obviously.  Just in moderation.  But it's something that I need to stop completely until I get to goal.  Then I can have things in moderation.  I'm still losing weight.  I'm just losing it very slowly.  I've only lost about 16 lbs in the last 3 months.   Even though there's been weight loss all 3 months, it came off in a yo-yo fashion.  I'd go down 3 lbs, fluctuate up 2 lbs.  Down 1 lb, fluctuate up 1 lb.  It's exhausting!  I've lost nothing so far in April.  In fact, I've fluctuated up 2 lbs AGAIN!.  It's just frustrating me to tears.  

Just a rant.  Needed to get it off my chest.

I also posted this in the VSG forum, so I apologize if you're reading this twice.

When I had my psych evaluation pre op he warned me that he has seen many instances in which massive weight loss negatively impacts relationships.  I didn't even think twice about it because my boyfriend has been the most supportive out of my entire circle of friends and family.  He remains my number 1 cheerleader to this day.  What I did NOT expect was for my weight loss to negatively impact my friendships.

I don't have many friends.  I'm one of those people who has a close circle of friends that I've had since I was a teenager.  My very best friend, whom I've been friends with for about 10 years (since I was 17) has always been there for me.  However, we have had one of those relationships where we sometimes feel competitive with one another.  For example, I have the better relationship with my boyfriend but her job pays just a little bit more than mine.  I have a house and she rents a small apartment but she has a better car than I do.  I have a cuter face and she has better hair (just kidding).  Anyway, we have always been bigger women, but I've always been bigger.  A few years back we both went on Atkins together and I lost about 50lbs and she lost about 35 (she was smaller than me).  We would plan meals together, work out together, etc.  Weight loss has always been an even ground with us where no one was ever better than the other.

Until now.

We had a couple's night on Saturday.  We went to her house to hang out and play some cards.  I hadn't seen her since I was about 3 months post op so I was expecting a huge reaction out of her.  But she barely even noticed.  My weight loss wasn't brought up the entire evening until I finally got sick of the avoidance and started to talk to her boyfriend about my success (he had recently lost about 140lbs so he understood my situation).  Once I mentioned how much happier I am now he congratulated me on my success and then mentioned that my friend had also lost about 45lbs herself.  I said it was fantastic! She didn't even look at me or react when I said this.  So I didn't mention it again the rest of the evening.

The next day she's texting me telling me that I'm a show off, that I'm self absorbed, that I act like I'm "the queen of the world" and that she can no longer relate to me.  She said that she has no interest in being in a one sided friendship and that my weight loss has gotten to my head so much that I've changed.  W-T-F.  I haven't changed in the slightest.  I was in such shock that I didn't even know what to say.  The next day her boyfriend is texting me and told me that she was hurt that I didn't notice that she lost 45lbs and that she's a bit jealous that I'm losing weight faster than her and she hates that she has to "lose it in a different way."  So this gives her a reason to insult me? I get it...she was expecting me to shower her with compliments on her weight loss.  But doesn't this sound a bit hypocritical when she didn't even comment on the fact that I've lost over 100 pounds?! I was crying on the way home from her house that night because I was expecting her to be happier for me.  I've had bigger reactions from strangers at work!  Besides, when her weight loss was mentioned I DID compliment her and she didn't even acknowledge me.  I'm not going to beg her to allow me to give her a compliment.  

We are going to dinner on Friday to "hash things out."  I know she's going to be expecting an apology from me.  But I feel as though I don't have anything to apologize for.  If I don't apologize, our friendship could be over.  I would hate for that to happen but at the same time, do I really want to be in a friendship where my so called "best friend" just constantly brings me down and rains on my parade?

I also posted this in the VSG forum so sorry if some of you are seeing this twice.

Everyone asks me all the time about what my life is like after losing a bunch of weight.  Not just how I physically "feel" but how my life has actually changed.  Sometimes it's really hard to put into words and all I can say is "amazing!"  I don't think that "amazing" really covers it.  "Amazing" is an adjective you use when you really have no idea to describe something that is incredible.  Explaining how much my life has changed is like trying to explain what Mountain Dew tastes like to someone who's never tried it.   It's just impossible.  So I made a list of things in my life that are more "amazing" than they were when I was 322 lbs.  

We all know that the number 1 NSV is how we feel.  We have more energy, our health problems go away, and we are able to be more active.  Here's the stuff I have that we don't always talk about on here.

1.  I smile in the mirror. When I do my hair and my makeup I make flirty faces in the mirror and it makes me laugh.  Not only do I smile, but I take more pride in my appearance and it takes me forever to get ready.  I love my face now.  And my hair has finally stopped thinning (or at least considerably slowed down).  I didn't get this surgery because I thought I was ugly or anything but it is definitely a nice bonus to feel beautiful.  I spent $150 dollars last week at Sally's on beauty products!

2.  I've stopped trying to hide my body.  I used to wear clothes that would hide the fat rolls and mask the fact that I was fat.  Now, I'm wearing clothes that accentuate my curves and show off more skin.  I probably change my clothes 4 times every morning to find the perfect outfit.  But instead of changing to find something that fits right I'm changing to find the best outfit to make me look hott!!  p.s.  I'm down from a size 24 to a size 14/16 

3.  I love to dance again.  At my biggest, I stopped dancing.  I thought "no one wants to see that."  But this past weekend I went out with some friends and danced the night away.  I felt alive.  I felt like a woman.  I felt "amazing."  It was totally worth the soreness I felt the next morning.  

4.  I'm not afraid to sing.  I have always thought that I had a nice singing voice but I had such low self esteem that I never let anyone hear me (on purpose).  But now I'm singing all the time in front of anyone and my boyfriend has convinced me to start taking voice lessons because he feels that I sound really "amazing."

5.  I smell good. You know how it is.  When you're morbidly obese you tend to sweat more and let's face it, personal hygiene can difficult.  The paranoia of "Do I stink?" sets in often.  I would always carry extra deodorant and perfume in my purse, my desk at work, and my desk was always loaded with scented lotion and air fresheners.  Now, I find that my deodorant lasts all day and one squirt of my favorite perfume lasts long enough to get me through my work day.    I finally smell good!

6.  I can wear heels.  This is a huge deal I think for most of us women.  I always wore flats flats flats.  And sneakers.  Boooooring! I can finally wear heels and wedges without excruciating pain!  My calves I think are still a little too big for zipper boots but I'm thinking about 20-30 lbs and I'll be ready!  

7.  I do my nails.  Another thing that I never really did at 322 lbs.  I just didn't find myself pretty enough to take that kind of time to give myself manicures.  And at the time, I couldn't even reach my toes let alone bend over long enough to paint my toenails!  Now, however, I paint my nails constantly and I can do my toenails and breathe at the same time.

8.  I've stopped wishing to be someone else.  Have you ever looked at skinny/healthy/fit/beautiful people and wished that you were them?  I have.  I did it all the time.  I did it watching movies, the Olympics, The Voice, The Biggest Loser (at the reunion), at work, everywhere.  Now, I'm happy to be me.  I love me.  I don't compare myself to other women and I no longer feel as if I'm "in competition" with them.  If I saw another morbidly obese person when I was 322 lbs I found myself wondering, "Is she bigger than me?"  or "Please tell me I'm smaller than her."  They're horrible thoughts but I bet most of us have thought them.  Now if I see a larger woman or even a larger man I feel like I wanna run up to them and say, "Life doesn't have to be this way.  You deserve better."  Obviously I don't say anything because I don't wanna get punched in the face but I know they're miserable.  I know they are because I was miserable too.

9.  I welcome compliments instead of turn away from them.  They don't even have to be compliments about my weight loss.  I welcome any compliment about anything.  If my work gets complimented I beam.  If my hair style gets a compliment I give it a little flip or twirl.  If my singing voice gets complimented I giggle.  If someone compliments my outfit I strike a pose.  Before, if I got any kind of compliment I'd just say, "No way" or "shut up" and that would be the end of it.  I didn't feel worthy of compliments.  Now they make me feel good.

10.  Sex is better.  I don't wanna get into too much detail on this but I just want to say that my sex life with my boyfriend has completely changed.  In 5 years with him I never let him see my stomach.  I barely let him touch me.  Sex was a once in a great while kind of thing and I never wanted to do it because I didn't feel sexy.  Well, needless to say, that isn't the case anymore.  And my relationship is stronger than ever.  My boyfriend has hinted that I'm getting a special something shiny to put on my finger sometime this year.  

I still have a little ways to go and the weight loss is starting to slow down now that I'm 6 months out.  But these are the big improvements in my life thus far and I know that I have several more to come to me as long as I stay the course.  And I will stay. 

I have officially lost 102 pounds!!  It feels absolutely amazing.  Words cannot even describe.  I have more energy and confidence now.  I still need to lose at least another 45lbs or so depending on how I feel when I reach my goal of 175 but right now at 220 life is good.  I can't wait until I get to goal.  I have still only told my close friends and relatives about my surgery.  Once I hit goal I plan to post a before and after picture on Facebook and disclose my story about my surgery to everyone.  I wanted to avoid telling people so that I wouldn't be judged but once I hit goal I won't care anymore.  

My head has not caught up with my weight loss yet.  I still feel like the fat girl and I still feel that people are looking at me and judging me for being fat.  When I look in the mirror I still stare at the fat parts of me instead of the skinny parts.  For example instead of seeing that my collar bones are finally visible I find that my eyes immediately go down to my belly that still sticks out over my pants.  Instead of seeing that my arms shrank considerably I still see that from behind my elbow still looks fat.  Instead of seeing that my ankles and knees are more visible I see that I still have thunder thighs and fat calves.  I need to shake myself out of this mentality of only seeing my flaws.  If I continue down this path I'll never be satisfied.  I'm not looking forward to how I'm going to react when I have a lot of excess skin.  

There are so many things that I no longer worry about.  I am no longer afraid of being too big to fit in a chair that has arms. Instead I am able to fit in any chair without breaking it.  I am no longer afraid to sit on my boyfriend's lap.  I now take a running start and jump on him and he doesn't scream out in pain :).  I am no longer afraid to go clothes shopping out of fear that nothing will fit me.   I still wear larger sizes, but they are common larger sizes so they are easy to find at most stores.  

My old worries have been replaced with new ones.  Have I gotten enough protein today?  Have I eaten too many calories?  I haven't had enough water today.  Work is buying everyone lunch, will there be something I can eat?  Will I be judged for my small portion size?  Why did I fluctuate up 2 pounds?  Am I messing this up?  Am I exercising enough?  OMG I'm going to have so much excess skin.  OMGOMGOMG my hair is falling out!

Honestly, worrying about this process seems like a full time job.  I have protein on the brain constantly.  I watch the clock so I know when to eat something.  I never seem to hit my water goals.  The scale is my enemy.  When I put on my bra in the morning I am shocked at how much extra skin I already have on my breasts.  I'm so worried about what they are going to look like when I'm 60 or 70.  I have lost so much hair already and I'm not even 6 months out yet.  When will the hair loss stop.  I just had gall bladder surgery.  Will this cause even more hair to come out?

I just have to remember though that it's totally worth it.  This surgery has no doubt saved my life.  

On 10/30/14 I'll be exactly 3 months post op.  Since starting this process I've lost 71lbs, from 322 to 251.  22lbs were lost on my own, 13 lbs lost in my 2 week pre op diet, and 36 lbs lost since surgery.  I kind of wish that I've lost more in this first 3 months but I actually tend to count my 2 week pre op diet as part of my total weight loss since surgery because I was consuming similar amounts of protein calories and carbs.  I am feeling great though.  All of my clothes are loose and I am going to need to go shopping soon for pants because everything I own is just falling off of me!  I could probably exercise more than I am currently but when I do exercise I am noticing that I can go longer and work harder.  I have recently picked up some of the "Just Dance" games for the Wii and they are a great source of exercise for me.  I made a post on the VSG forum about hating exercise because it's so hard to find the motivation and I figure these games are a lot of fun to play so I hardly even notice that I'm actually getting in a workout.  

People at work are starting to notice that I'm losing weight and are giving me lots of compliments.  Some of them were asking me what I'm doing and at first I was telling them lots of protein, low carb, and exercise but now when I'm asked I just tell them that my doctor and nutritionist have me on a personalized diet and they stop asking questions.  I just don't really want people at work to know right now.  This whole process is emotional and difficult enough without whispers, stares, and rumors (my work is just like high school).  My family are also noticing a difference.  My sister doesn't say much but I figure that's because she's jealous.  She's also trying to lose weight and while she's not big enough to get WLS surgery she seems either indifferent to my success or she attributes all of my success to the surgery alone.  She doesn't understand that this is a lot of work but I'm trying not to hold that against her.  You can't be mad at people for things they don't understand.  I've tried calling my dad a couple times but I haven't talked to him since my birthday the second week of September.  That's kind of depressing.  My boyfriend has become the most important person in my life.  He's also been the most supportive out of everyone.  Every day he comments on how great I'm looking and how proud he is of me.  I'm very lucky to have him.

I'm still weighing and logging all my food every day but I find myself here and there having a bite of things that I shouldn't.  I have a chocolate candy bar in my desk at work.  Every day I take a teeny tiny piece and then put the rest back in the drawer.  I did this last month as well.  It took me an entire month to eat one small candy bar.  I will also take a small bite of my boyfriends sandwich or a few honey roasted peanuts.  But I have been reaching my protein goals, staying under 30 grams of carbs and under 700 calories.  I am still having a bit of trouble getting all of my liquids in every day so I have had a few stalls in my weight loss and a few days where I felt pretty bloated.  It sucks but I'm still burning fat and my nutrition hasn't faltered.  Except for the couple glasses of wine that I've had.  I am not going to turn into a nutrition straight edge crazy person from this.  I just want to be healthy and have the yummy things in moderation.  Once I hit goal I intend to still go out with my girlfriends for a couple drinks, pig out on new year's eve (maybe not pig out but you know what I mean), and have a slice of pie on holidays.  But until I hit goal, I won't even let myself have one potato chip, bite of pizza, or nibble of cake.  But I will allow myself a glass of wine once in a while.

I was planning my goal weight for 160 and my surgeon said he saw me at 180.  I am tall and I know that going down to 160 is probably unrealistic for me.  So I've revised my goal for 175.  I think maybe I'll see how I look and feel once I get there and if I feel like I can go more then I will.  But I weighed 160 when I ran cross country in the 11th grade.  It's funny because at that time I was one of the bigger girls on the team and I had serious self esteem issues, convinced that I was fat.  When I look back at that weight now I'm pissed at myself for ever thinking that 160 lbs was "fat."  But anyway, 5 lbs from now I'll be half way to my goal of 175.  I'm hoping to be under 200 by Christmas so I can show my family the transformation.  Last Christmas I weighed around 320 lbs so it'll be exciting to see everyone.

Today at work I started to feel sharp pains on the right side of my abdomen.  When I came home I had a slight case of diarrhea so I'm hoping it was just that and not gall bladder issues.  I'll post an update on that the next time I make a post.  I hope to post some progress pics soon as well.  

So here's my story on the last 3 weeks since getting sleeved.  When I made it to the hospital my nerves were absolutely shot and my anxiety was going crazy.  My boyfriend sat with me in pre-op (IV's, BP, etc) and the nurses were really nice and made me as comfortable as possible and I was able to relax a bit.  When they brought me into the surgery room I got nervous all over again.  Has any one ever noticed that surgery rooms are the scariest looking rooms ever? The next thing I remember is waking up in my room.  My mom, her boyfriend, my boyfriend, his mom, and 2 of my friends were there.  I knew they were going to be coming and at first I was glad for the support but when it came down to it I felt odd with everyone staring at me when I was in no mood to be social! The nurses had me up and walking within 2 hours of waking up which was so horribly painful! I had waves of nausea hit me as well but the nurses were really good about giving me anti nausea meds and pain meds.  Because of the effects of the anesthesia, I was unable to urinate the first day and night.  Eventually they had to give me a catheter to drain my bladder.  They didn't give me one during surgery because I was able to go right beforehand.  It was frustrating getting woken up throughout the night by nurses to get my vitals.  I just wanted to sleep!  I was given ice chips but I was so out of it that I would grab a couple and the rest would just melt.  I had such horrible dry mouth and I was terribly thirsty but I just didn't have the motivation to suck on the ice chips because all I wanted to do was sleep. They continued to get me up every so often to walk which got a little easier each time.  I was discharged to go home around 4:30 on day 2.  I was surprised that I was sent home so quickly and a part of me didn't feel ready to come home.

Week 1 was rough for me.  I have a low tolerance for pain so I was diligent on take my pain meds every 4 hours.  Walking was painful.  Every time I stood up I felt like my stomach was going to rip if I didn't hold it up.  I did do a good job of managing to drink my liquids.  I was able to start protein shakes on day 3 and I was cleared to start pureed foods by my surgeon a few days after my 1 week follow up appointment. I admit that I got a little frustrated when the weight didn't immediately start dropping but I understood that it was due to the IV fluids and swelling. 

Week 2 got better.  I was able to walk for longer periods of time and didn't have to hold my stomach as much.  I only used my pain meds once or twice a day and it felt great to be able to eat something besides protein shakes.  I mostly stuck with greek yogurt, cottage cheese, and ricotta cheese.  I wanted jello, pudding, and applesauce but I really just wanted to choose foods that contained protein.  At the end of week 2 I had a horrible experience with constipation.  There was one day where I was in severe pain from 11:00 AM until 11:30 PM when I was finally able to go.  The pain from the constipation hurt worse than the pain from the surgery! I am now taking lactulose every couple of days along with 2 stool softeners daily.  I haven't had constipation since then.  

Week 3 I'm getting bolder with my food choices.  I'm now incorporating scrambled and hard boiled eggs (I can barely eat 1 whole egg), ground turkey with red sauce (2 oz), tuna, and mashed potatoes (yum).  Each meal is roughly 1.5-2 oz and I'm getting between 70-80g of protein per day and between 500-600 calories.  The hardest part for me now that I'm actually eating food is trying to get in all my liquids.  I'm still drinking 2 protein shakes per day and getting my water in is challenging.  I am walking about 30 minutes a day and once around my block is 1.2 miles.  Today for the first time since surgery I rode my stationary bike for 10 minutes.  I was absolutely exhausted after but it felt good to do something other than walk.  I can't wait until I can use weights.  I am still having some stomach pain mostly at night when I try to sleep so I am still taking pain meds once in a while to help me sleep.  I hope I'm not addicted to this stuff.  It's been such a necessary aid for me throughout this experience and I'm afraid that I'm going to have insomnia once I stop taking it.  

The weight loss since surgery so far is less than I expected.  The morning of surgery my weight was 287 and this morning the scale said 274.  I had a stall because I lost about 15 pounds during my 2 week pre op diet.  However I have lost nearly 50 pounds since I started this journey and I'm already noticing a huge different.  The biggest difference is that my clothes are a lot looser.  I put on a size 24 dress pants that were too tight 4 months ago and now they are falling off of me.  Tomorrow I have an appointment with my NUT and the 28th is my one month post op appointment with my surgeon.  I'm not back to work yet so I'll get my doctor clearance on the day to go back to work.  I've enjoyed having all this time off but I think I'm ready to go back.  I'm kinda bored!

My surgery is today, YAY! I have to be at the hospital at 11 AM and I've been up since 4:30 .  I loud crash of thunder woke me up and once awake I started thinking about today and alas, now I can't sleep.  My anxiety is through the roof and I'm extremely thirsty and hungry but of course I can't eat or drink anything.  It's frustrating and I wish I could just sleep so I wouldn't think about it.  I am excited to have this procedure done but I have to admit that a part of me is thinking "BACK OUT NOW WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!"  Are these feelings normal? I want to tell myself that it's just my nerves telling me to run away!

Oh well I suppose I'm going to try to get some more sleep or go take a shower.  Wish me luck!

And I'm freaking out!  I've been on my pre op diet for one week and it's going well but I can't stop thinking about the foods I wish I was eating. I've found myself standing at the fridge opening containers and jars just to smell the contents and live vicariously through my nose. I'm starting to get stressed at work since my boss is putting a lot of pressure on me to finish before I go out on fmla. My boyfriend's mom is currently staying with us until the 3rd and she had the RNY a few years back. She's helpful for the most part but she keeps telling me how I'm going to be sick and not want to get off the couch. 

On a positive note I'm not feeling malnourished from my pre op diet and I've lost 10 lbs in 1 week. My primary doc cleared me this morning for surgery and I have my pre surgery review with my surgeon tomorrow morning. It's really sinking in now that this is really happening and my life is about to change forever. I'm a big mixture of emotions right now. I feel like I'm going to MISS food. I feel like I'm going to lose a bear friend as lame as that sounds. On the other hand I know this is right for me to do and I'm excited to begin my new life.