100LBS GONE!!!

Jan 16, 2015

I have officially lost 102 pounds!!  It feels absolutely amazing.  Words cannot even describe.  I have more energy and confidence now.  I still need to lose at least another 45lbs or so depending on how I feel when I reach my goal of 175 but right now at 220 life is good.  I can't wait until I get to goal.  I have still only told my close friends and relatives about my surgery.  Once I hit goal I plan to post a before and after picture on Facebook and disclose my story about my surgery to everyone.  I wanted to avoid telling people so that I wouldn't be judged but once I hit goal I won't care anymore.  

My head has not caught up with my weight loss yet.  I still feel like the fat girl and I still feel that people are looking at me and judging me for being fat.  When I look in the mirror I still stare at the fat parts of me instead of the skinny parts.  For example instead of seeing that my collar bones are finally visible I find that my eyes immediately go down to my belly that still sticks out over my pants.  Instead of seeing that my arms shrank considerably I still see that from behind my elbow still looks fat.  Instead of seeing that my ankles and knees are more visible I see that I still have thunder thighs and fat calves.  I need to shake myself out of this mentality of only seeing my flaws.  If I continue down this path I'll never be satisfied.  I'm not looking forward to how I'm going to react when I have a lot of excess skin.  

There are so many things that I no longer worry about.  I am no longer afraid of being too big to fit in a chair that has arms. Instead I am able to fit in any chair without breaking it.  I am no longer afraid to sit on my boyfriend's lap.  I now take a running start and jump on him and he doesn't scream out in pain :).  I am no longer afraid to go clothes shopping out of fear that nothing will fit me.   I still wear larger sizes, but they are common larger sizes so they are easy to find at most stores.  

My old worries have been replaced with new ones.  Have I gotten enough protein today?  Have I eaten too many calories?  I haven't had enough water today.  Work is buying everyone lunch, will there be something I can eat?  Will I be judged for my small portion size?  Why did I fluctuate up 2 pounds?  Am I messing this up?  Am I exercising enough?  OMG I'm going to have so much excess skin.  OMGOMGOMG my hair is falling out!

Honestly, worrying about this process seems like a full time job.  I have protein on the brain constantly.  I watch the clock so I know when to eat something.  I never seem to hit my water goals.  The scale is my enemy.  When I put on my bra in the morning I am shocked at how much extra skin I already have on my breasts.  I'm so worried about what they are going to look like when I'm 60 or 70.  I have lost so much hair already and I'm not even 6 months out yet.  When will the hair loss stop.  I just had gall bladder surgery.  Will this cause even more hair to come out?

I just have to remember though that it's totally worth it.  This surgery has no doubt saved my life.  

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