No Matter What

May 29, 2008

Wow, it's been a while since I've updated this thing.

I've really gotten used to my sleeve. Just how much I can handle, and what I can handle. Still can't eat eggs. Chicken upsets my stomach. Nuts and steak really get my gallbladder going. I eat popsicles and lunchables... and that's pretty much all. Nothing else sits well. I enjoy it though.

I started drinking alcohol again. Doesn't really do anything for me. I'll get buzzed for a few minutes, and then it goes away really quick.


Most of my problems have been emotional. That is what's such a struggle. I know it's a mixture of hormones mixed with life anyway, but somedays I feel like it's killing me. I just never feel happy anymore. And I know a big majority of that is when Aspen died. I just feel so responsible. Yesterday I took Max to the bay and just ran around and played with him and cried. I think I cried 75% of yesterday. It was my day off, and I didn't do anything productive. Something about the water always heals me, and it did feel good. It just didn't heal as much as I wished. Every night I try and go to sleep and relive that day she died over and over in my head. It's too much.

Work keeps me going. I feel like I practically live there. It's not bad though, I love being there. I love doing hair and I love learning new things. I'm all about making some money, so that's a plus as well! I'm doing a lot better than I ever imagined.

Brings me to this song I'm feeling lately, 'no matter what' by t.i.


I lost my partna and my daughter in the same year
Somehow I rise above my problems and remain here
Yeah and I hope the picture painted clear
If ya heart filled with faith then ya cant fear
Wonder how I face years and im still chillen
Easy,let go and let god deal wit it

i aint dead (naw)
i aint done (naw)
i aint scared (of what!)
i aint run ( from who!)
but still i stand (yeah)
no matterr what people here i am... (Yeah)
no matter what remember
I aint break (neva)
I aint fold (neva)
They hate me mo’ ( so!)
Yeah I know… (haha)
Here I go (yeah)
No matter what shawty here I go (hah)
No matter what shawty



no matter what, i'm gonna make it. i've lost my best friends and my daughter, i can do anything. everything is a lesson, i just know something better is bound to happen. can't ever give up.




Woosh

Mar 02, 2008

so i've started a good work out plan. i've checked out the gym here and got a good list of programs they offer. i did an aerobic thing the other day with those big balls. woo wee, that was fun! and a good work out! and it helped break my stall. (or at least i say that) i moved down to 239. wow. that made my day, and i'm yearning to see 229. i'm getting there! slowly but surely! i'm just working on getting my work out routine down... and i know i'll be doing better!

i filled out a billion applications this past weekend. and i've got a few offers. so tomorrow i have to go pack up all my stuff. yay! i'm ready for a larger salon! and i feel like i'm ready! woo hoo!

i've gotta get to bed! this insomnia is driving me up a wall! hope everyone else is having a great day and week out there in wls land

Gah

Feb 25, 2008

"You have such a pretty face, you're going to be really hot when you loose that weight."



I guess that's just sitting really heavy with me right now. I don't look in the mirror and see a horribly gross person looking back, so I guess I just feel insulted that I'm not, okay right now? I hate being told I have a pretty face. It super bothers me. I'd rather not hear a word than hear parts of me are acceptable. I know deep down I'll never be 'hot', but I would like to think of myself as a fairly attractive person. From the top of my head to my last little toe. I don't want to have pieces of me isolated. Gah.

Something good though, I went to old navy and bought size 18 jeans and a skirt. Yay! That's another size down! This is getting pretty awesome. It's been a hot minute since I could wear that size. I'm getting there... slowly but surely! So even though the scale hasn't moved, the inches are coming off! I know this is going to be a hard journey, but I'm determined to make it!


Goodnight.



Woo Hoo

Feb 21, 2008

i had my first follow up appointment. i've lost 21 pounds since surgery! Yay! Tomorrow will be 2 weeks, so I'd say I'm doing pretty well! I've been walking a lot and doing lots of ab work at home. I refuse to be all flabby! I know I've had a flat stomach before, I will again!

I got cleared to eat food today! Yay! I had some pizza tonight. I say pizza, but actually i just had a couple bites of the cheese a couple pepperonis, lol. Didn't take much before I was like UGH. Too much food! I could knock back half a pizza no problem before, now I can't even eat half the top! It's amazing to me, though. I love it!! I'm going to start drinking some slim fast in the morning, and I've got a few protein bars to help get in what I need. I love this lifestyle, I really do.

Tomorrow I'm going to go to work again. I've been kinda in and out all week, haven't had a lot of clients this month, but hopefully it picks up. Me and my hubby are going putt putt golfing again tomorrow night with another couple. There's a cheap place around here that we can go out and have fun doing it!

I've been having some Wow moments lately. My bra's all fit great! And my boobs are a whole cup size smaller! It's wonderful. I now have that space between my boobs again, not just one monster boob. My shirts fit better, and guess what?! My black pants that are a size 20 FELL OFF TODAY! Like, lifted my arms and they fell straight to the floor! It was amazing. I love shrinking


I think I'm going to go watch some celebrity rehab before bed. Goodnight everyone!

Better Day

Feb 20, 2008

well today was defiantly a better day compared to yesterday. i woke up knowing that this was the right thing to do, otherwise it wouldn't have happened so fast. everything is meant to be, and i have to remind myself that everyday. i've drank a lot more today, didn't really keep up on the measurements though. oh well. went for a great walk earlier with aspen, my golden retriever. that was well worth it. the temperature was hot hot hot and i sweat a lot! felt really good. especially when i came home and saw that i'm not 240! only 2 pounds left and i'm lighter than my husband! haha. very exciting news there! i'm also only 20 pounds away to what i was my senior year. funny how i hated how fat i was then, and now i can't wait to be that size! well, just wanted to get all that out. i have my first post op appointment tomorrow morning, hoping all goes well there. i'm off to watch some tv before bed! goodnight!



Rough Day

Feb 19, 2008

today was defiantly not a good day. for one, i've drank about 16 oz all day, and i haven't eaten a thing. it's driving me nuts. i tried to have some soup, the smell alone made me sick. i decided to give in and have an egg, until i cooked it. then i just couldn't eat it. i walked for 3 hours with my friend. except i get to hear what everyone really thinks about my surgery.

i honestly have ONE friend left after this surgery. everyone else i've known is mad at me or thinks i'm just taking the lazy way out. i actually decided to do something about my life, and all i get is grief. i can't seem to win for loosing. on one hand, maybe i shouldn't have told anyone. i thought being open would be the best bet. i'm such an open person anyway. i've been through so much in life, i've never held back. and now, the one time i think people will understand, i get no support at all. it really sucks. i'm glad i have my family on my side.

i'm always feeling so freaking down because i know crap. i see people talking about their bougie size, and i don't even know what i have. i don't understand everything about the surgery. i basically said Okay to something i didn't really realize would change my life this much. i'm scared to have gross saggy skin. i'm scared i'm not going to be happy. i'm scared i'm not going to want to live my life this way forever. i'm only 20, i don't know if i made the right choice. maybe i just messed everything up. maybe i've just alienated myself further. who knows. all i know is that i'm freaking out. and i'm upset. and i haven't been doing anything right. i don't have any protein. i don't drink the shakes. i can't stand it in anything. i'm probably screwing my life up as i know it. i just want to be normal again.

hopefully this passes soon.

Refreshed

Feb 16, 2008

so today is my 8th day since having my surgery. wow. i can honestly say i woke up this morning, and had to feel my belly to make sure that there were in fact still incision marks and glue there. i've felt great day.

i had my first Wow moment today getting dressed. i was putting on my clothes, and when i looked in the mirror. my chest wasn't this mass of boobs, it was defined. i have a chest again. yah, that spot between my neck and boobs. omg! it was amazing. i was missing that area 

then me and the hubby went to a huge outlet center to walk around. it was lots of fun and i got a lot of exercise. we even went out to eat, and as hard as it was just drinking while he ate, i did it. and realized that this is fun, because i'm just enjoying a saturday afternoon. then we did more shopping and went putt putt golfing with another couple and our friend, both girls saying how much thinner my face is and how they can tell already. it's so exciting!

all day i was telling my husband that i feel like my life is starting over today. i feel like a new person. i feel great, energized, full of life. i've been so fortunate to have received this surgery. i mean, january 17th i had the talk with my surgery about possibly having some kind of surgery, and then a few weeks later he's calling me asking if i want to come in the next day to have it done. i feel like i was really supposed to have it. i didn't know much about the sleeve. i didn't know much about the lifestyle, how i would change, or anything. but now, i realize it's a tool that will help me be happy again. i'm always doubting myself and putting myself down. today, for the first time in a long long time, for the first time in my relationship with josh alone, i felt okay. i felt good enough. and it's shown. i know i'm going to do this. because i want it, and with this gift, i can finally achieve it.

i never knew how much my life would change with this. i've come to realize so much more than what i thought was ever possible. and i've come to realize true happiness is found deep in myself, i just wasn't letting it out.

thanks for all the support again yall! this website has really made me realize i'm not alone.

Day 4

Feb 12, 2008

today was probably the worst pain i've experienced all along. i felt tired all day long and just weak. i drank more water today than i did yesterday, so i know that's been helping me out. i can't wait to get back to work and working out though. i hate just sitting around home watching tv. i had some cream of chicken soup today. it was on the list of things i could have. it was sooo good. just a little bit, but it was great. josh said he could notice my face getting thinner, that of course is awesome. i hate my chubby face, and i'll be happy when it's gone! well, i'm going to go lay down. my incisions are sooo itchy and i've gotta get my mind off them. i thought i'd be up later than this, but i'm too tired. another day gone... i can't believe i did it. yay!

So Sore

Feb 10, 2008

I feel so weak today. My calves are killing me. I drank some broth earlier. The instructions the doctors have me are different from what every one here keeps telling me, so I feel so confused. My surgeon still sticks by his plan, but I'm afraid to push it. I took a vitamin this morning and I'm drinking some crystal light. It's hard to push myself to drink. Just lots of walking today and keeping active. I hope all these soreness goes away soon!

The Day After

Feb 09, 2008

Wow. Today is my first day post-op and I'm already home. I must admit, right after the surgery when the pain was kicking in all I could think was What have I done!? But slowly and surely, it got better. I started walking right away, and that helped a lot! My incisions are so small. But the best feeling is not being hungry. I haven't eaten in over 2 days, and I feel fine! I had to force myself earlier to sip some chicken broth with protein, now I'm just sipping a little water and taking the pain medicine. I can't believe I did it. It's a very exciting thing. I can't wait to see results. I can't wait to heal. I just can't wait!!

About Me
Eglin AFB, FL
Location
32.2
BMI
VSG
Surgery
02/08/2008
Surgery Date
Feb 07, 2008
Member Since

Friends 24

Latest Blog 11
No Matter What
Woosh
Gah
Woo Hoo
Better Day
Rough Day
Refreshed
Day 4
So Sore
The Day After

×