Erin_01

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I am thrilled!  I would have been thrilled either way, but shopping for a little girl is so much fun.  I am 23 weeks today and so far, so good.  I have gained 9 pounds so far and I am fine with that.  Actually, it's got to be more by now, but I only get weighed at the doctors office.  I am not going to get to crazy about the weight, it will come off.  I want a healthy pregnancy and a healthy little girl!  I feel great most of the time.  I have been having headaches that are pretty bad, but other then that, pregnancy is going well.

I am so happy our first baby is due February 2, 2009.  We were very blessed we had and easy time getting pregnant and so far at nearly 10 weeks, I feel great.  I am tired, but can’t really complain.  Yesterday we had our first ultrasound and we got to see the heart beat, it was amazing.  I could definitely make out the shape of the head and the body.  It seems real now.  I can’t believe I am going to be a mom.  I am so excited.  I am coming up on my 3 year anniversary since my surgery and I can’t believe how much my life has changed.  In three short years I lost over 100 pounds, met my husband got married and now am expecting a baby.  I feel so lucky.  This surgery has been the best decision I have ever made, I know none of my dreams would have come true if I didn’t make this positive change in my life. 

My weight was never perfect, I got within 15 pounds of my goal weight and I am happy with that.  After the baby is born I will get back into shape and maybe get closer to my goal weight, I know I can do it.  Actually this “break” from dieting has been wonderful.  I haven’t gorged on food or anything I probably eat just a little bit more then before, but there is no guilt associated with it!  I am starting to get some energy back so I will start walking again, just to stay active during pregnancy.  Hopefully it will be easier to get back into it once the baby is born if I stay active during my pregnancy.  I am so excited and life is good!

 

Boredom, loneliness and frustration are my diet undoing.  I never thought I had “food issues”, I thought I just liked to eat and once I started I couldn’t stop.  Apparently it’s not JUST about the food.  When I am bored, frustrated or lonely, I find myself going for the food.  I wonder what it is about eating that is so soothing to me.  What can I do instead of eat and still sooth myself; life if full of boredom, loneliness and frustration.  Plus it is such a deep routed habit, ritual actually, how do I break it.   When I have nothing to do at work, I go for the food, when my husband drives me crazy, I go for the food, when I am down and I have no one to talk to, I go for the food.   I am sick of feeling out of control, I am sick of felling driven to eat.  Thank God for this surgery or else I would be back up to nearly 300 pounds.  I don’t want to squander this amazing gift I have been given, I want to make the best of it.  I feel like it is time to check back in with myself, in my freshly post-op days I really felt like the monkey was off my back and I had control off the food and insatiable drive to eat for once in my life.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t pound the food like I use to, but I find myself eating unplanned food more then I should, especially when the diet disaster three amigos come around.  Maybe just writing this and getting it off my chest will help, I am acknowledging the problem, and maybe this will help me to be more mindful.  I have had a slight gain, about 7% of the weight I lost; I need to catch this before it becomes more.  Plus, I want to get pregnant in June 2008; I want to put this part of my life in order before the total chaos of raising children begins. 

I want to have a baby!  I am ready but my husband is not.  I just turned 32 and I am getting anxious to get my family started.  I think I am becoming obsessed with the idea.  I have been married for a whole 2 months, so I guess I should calm down and enjoy the newly wed phase, but I can’t stop thinking about a baby.  I feel emotionally, financially and physically ready…for the most part! 

(I feel like a broken record, but I would still like to loose a little weight before I get pregnant.  I would love to loose 15 pounds, the same 15 pounds I have been trying to loose for a year.  I guess I have not been trying that hard, huh?  I don’t want to get over 200 pounds when I get pregnant, so I could use some buffer weight loss, I digress.) 

I love my husband so much and I know we will make great parents, I just wish we were on the same page with the baby situation.  He would like to wait until next November, but there is now way I can wait that long.  I had a little bit of a crying jag the other day and told him I wanted a baby, I told him I could wait until June, but not much longer then that.  Plus, I have no idea how long it will take to get pregnant.  My doctor suspected I had PCOS before my WLS, she never officially diagnosed it, but she put me on Metformin.  Once I lost weight my periods came regularly so I think she felt like my weight was contributing to my issues and I went off the Metformin and have had regular periods since.  I really hope that we have an easy time with conceiving.  I have baby fever big time.  Is it a bad thing that I pray for my birth control to fail?  I must be patient, my time will come. 

My wedding was November 10.  It was a perfect day.  For the first time in my life I really felt beautiful.  My dress was gorgous and I looked great in it, my hair turned out lovely and I felt really good.  I was worried that I would feel stupid being the center of attention because I have always tried not to stand out, but I didn't feel that way at all.  My husband looked very handsome in his tux!  I didn't cry all the way down the asile, which I was afraid of, and I got my vows out too!  It was very romantic and I couldn't have asked for a better day.  I really had a good time.  
We went on a cruise the very next day and had a wonderful honeymoon.  I feel totaly relaxed now!  So far married life has been great, we didn't live together before we got married, so that has been fun too.
I am really enjoying the "newly wed" time, but I am anxious to start a family, I will be 32 next month and I would like to get pregnat by next November.   

I have an appointment on October 11 to try on my wedding dress.  I realize that I am no longer MO, but I am still afraid that I am going to look like a sausage in my dress.  I know I am being silly, but after being MO my whole adult life, my fears are deep rooted!  I know my DH 2B loves me and thinks I am sexy, I wish I could see myself the way he does.  I have to work on a better state of mind!  This will be the happiest day of my life and I will look great!  I love my dress, it is very figure flattering.  It has a corset back and it makes my waist look small.  My problem area (in my eyes) is my lower abdominal area, hips and thighs, but my dress covers all that.  I still have to pick out a veil.  That should be fun.  I never realized how stressful all this wedding stuff could be!  Invitations went out, next is the seating arrangements, this is the time I really wish I could still take Advil! 

I really want to loose another 15 pounds.  I go up and down with in 4 pounds.  I am frustrated because I cannot drop down below 180.  I remember a time years ago, I was on weight watchers and couldn't drop below 280 pounds, which puts a little perspective on things.  I think I need to be grateful for how far I have come instead of focusing on the last little bit of weight.  If I am "stuck" at my current weight it wouldn't be the worse thing.  I can wear a size 14 and buy clothes anywhere.  I still have curves and I am fine with that, most days!  I have a wonderful man that loves me; he calls me "thin", which cracks me up!  I have just joined a gym maybe that will help drop a little weight.  I have been at the same weight for about a year, which is great because I can maintain a normal weight.  I am going to focus on fitness and health instead of weight loss.  I thought I would have this surgery and stop obsessing about my weight.  I don't want 15 pounds to overshadow how far I have come.  I need to embrace the body I have right now and accept it and be grateful.
On a fun note my bridal shower was last weekend.  I never thought I would get married and here I am less then 3 months before my wedding.  It was so much fun and we got so many beautiful gifts.   

I cannot believe it has been 2 years since my surgery.  Time really flies, which reminds me, I need to make a follow up appointment with my surgeon.  It’s strange because I thought by now I would get use to the fact that I am not morbidly obese anymore.  Everyday I think about how grateful I am for my life and health.  Everyday I reflect how different my life is and how happy I am.  All of my worries about what life would be like afterwards were unfounded.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have my struggles with food, but overall it isn’t that difficult.  I still have minor emotional eating issues, I sometimes find myself going to the kitchen when I am frustrated or bored.  I know there are better ways to deal with both emotions, but I sometimes find myself calling on my old remedy.  I have some fears about the future with the malabsorption issues.  I know that whatever the future holds I will deal with gladly because WLS was the only option for me at the time.  I did try everything (so screw you Dr Phil and Oprah) and it didn’t work.  I was depressed and unhappy that whatever happens down the road I will cope with because what I have right now is worth it.  I am marrying my price charming in 4 months, I know I would have never met him if I didn’t have this surgery.  Life is good.   

 

Well, I am not much of a “blogger”, but I wanted to jot down some my insights.  I had my surgery on 7/14/05 and here I am almost 2 years later and down 130 pounds.  I can’t believe how fast time has gone.  I am so grateful for this surgery and how it allowed me to take control of life.  I know that sounds a little dramatic, but I really felt like I was out of control and food/eating was the center of my world.  If I wasn’t eating, I was thinking about my next meal, planning it, obsessing about it and then feeling guilty about it.  I remember this one time I had gone out and bought chicken fingers, fresh rolls, bleu cheese, shredded lettuce and French fries, I was planning on eating a home made chicken finger sub and gobbing it with bleu cheese and when I got home, my brother and his wife were at my house, I was so mad I couldn’t make my food and gorge myself in privacy.  That wasn’t the lowest point, but I realized I had a problem.  It’s amazing how you can be in such denial for so long.  I was living a sheltered, wasted life.  I decided if I didn’t do something, I would be alone forever.  At the time I was 29 and really wanted to share my life with someone and have a family.  At 290 pounds your dating options are grim.  So, I decided to take the so called “easy way out”.  There are a few things I want to say about that later on. 

My surgery was uneventful.  I had a minimal amount of pain and recovered quickly.  Never ever did I say, “Why did I do this”?  I kept my eye on the prize, which was a happy future, the whole time.   By 12 months post op I had lost 120 pounds, one might say that’s only an average of 10 pounds a month, you could do that by diet and exercise.  I never could stay on a diet that long.  The food obsession was always there.  I was good on a diet for a little while, give or take 3 months, after that, I was done.  I am I weak?  Maybe, I envy those people that can do it on their own.  I always thought I would be one of those people, then I realized when someone looses 100+ pounds the reason they go on Oprah or People magazine is because what they did is so unusual.  It is such a big deal like because it is so unlikely to loose like that on you own.  For those that have done it, you are amazing and much stronger than me, more power to you.

So, it was the “easy way out” for me.  Now, surgery wasn’t that bad and neither was/is life after.  It wasn’t exactly the easy way out, but it was the guaranteed way to work.  I realize that I can gain weight and I have to be conscious of my calorie intake for the rest of my life.  In addition, I have to make sure to stay healthy with enough protein and vitamins.  Who knows what long term affects I will have.  That part is a little unnerving for me.  I want to have a long healthy life, I want to raise a family and I know that would have never happened if I didn’t take the easy way out.  I took a calculated risk and that decision was not easy at all.

Life is so good now.  I am overjoyed everyday I look in the mirror.  Not a day goes by that I don’t reflect on my new life.  I never have to worry about sitting in a chair with arms or a booth again.  I don’t have to suffer through a transatlantic flight with the seat belt cutting me in half.  Funny story, I wore a girdle on a NY to Paris flight because I thought it might help the seat belt close.  I should have just asked for a damn extender, but then people might have noticed I was fat.  I didn’t get up the entire flight because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to get the seat belt re-fastened.  I was lucky I didn’t get an embolism in my leg or God forbid a urinary tract infection.  I can laugh now, but at the time it wasn’t funny at all.

I am so done with obesity!  I have a happier, healthier, smaller life to look forward to!