Esperanza
Confirmation
6/7/08
Today was a good day! I received my preoperative packet in the mail today. Upon opening it I felt, and thought to myself how this all feels so very familiar, but still… what a good feeling it was. I am so very thankful to have this opportunity again. To be cancer-free AND on my way to a healthier self is much to be grateful for.
Sooooo, the week after next I start my 10 – day Protein Diet. Dr. Warnock has spiced things up a bit. Now, instead of having a protein drink for breakfast, lunch and dinner, you can now substitute your dinner drink for a dinner salad; which is going to be really nice. I can add a low fat/ low calorie dressing, along with a bit of meat like chicken, turkey or ham, and whatever vegetables I like as well. But of course, two days prior to surgery its all clear liquids and the absolutely wonderful tasting Magnesium Citrate. Remember? Mmmmmm, yummy.
I’m going to order my Post-Op Starter Kit when I get the Wichita Falls. I never got that far last time because since I didn’t need it right away I was going to order it by phone a couple weeks after. But I’m just too excited, and since this is a new step for me I’m just going to order it the day before my surgery when I go to my Nutrition/Education Class and my appointment with Dr. Warnock. I hope it’s the same lady that taught it before. I forgot her name but I really liked her.
In my initial WLS I had made goals for my 30th birthday (I would have been just over a year out). Now my plans have changed a bit, but I still have goals; just tweaked a bit. This surgery date is exactly three weeks from my birthday, and although I can’t have my previous birthday goals, I am still very, very, very happy that I will be on the road to a healthier new me before I’m 30!
Remember That Ride At The Fair, The Free Fall?
6/3/08
Alright… soooooo, testing for my 6-month cancer check up was a bit of a rollercoaster for me. Emotionally and Mentally.
The 27th I had all my bloodwork done and both my PET and CT Scans, and the plan was to meet with my Oncologist the next day to review my results and such. Well, I received a call from my Oncologist first thing the next morning, at like 7 o’clock (mind you my appointment wasn’t until 4 o’clock that afternoon) and he said that he had received my results and they saw something on there and that we needed to get an MRI done to check it out.
OK.
I get the MRI done. And I wait.
So we have now moved my appointment time with my Oncologist to the next morning because the MRI would pretty much take a good chunk out of our day.
The Final Outcome: I passed!!!
Whew.
What they saw wasn’t anything to be worried about. Just surgery scarring. My Oncologist said that from now on we’re going to include the MRI into my check-ups since it gives a view different than the PET and CT Scans. Fine by me I said!
I called Debbie, the wonderful insurance lady for Dr. Warnock’s office, regarding my passing grade and she said that I needed have my Oncologist fax a letter to Dr. Warnock’s office stating that my results were negative and that I was still cancer-free. She had also let me know that she was going to go ahead and put in the paperwork for my second approval to Tri-Care for the surgery as well and get the ball rolling.
And again… less than 48 hours later I was approved! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
My new surgery date is now June 26th. And you guys want to hear something funny… that’s just one month and three days shy of the beginning of my WLS journey. Remember my first blog! Who would have known all that has happened would happen in just a year? So much has happened.
Oh but I am so very excited to be walking back to my seat on the losers bench. I have great trust in Dr. Warnock and just cannot believe how incredibly lucky I am to have him as my WLS surgeon.
Thank you guys so much for your concerns, your thoughts, your prayers, your love… everything…
xoxoxo THANK YOU xoxoxo
Enthusiastic Little Me
5/26/08
June couldn’t’ have come any faster! I thought this day would never come!
I sit here at the computer at about 2:33 in the morning anticipating my appointment with my Oncologist in San Antonio. I can’t even sleep I’m so eager. We leave today for my appointments.
First thing Tuesday morning I get some blood work done in preparation for my PET Scan later that afternoon, and then Wednesday afternoon at 4 o’clock to be exact, I meet with Dr. McGregor, my wonderful Oncologist, to discuss my results. I don’t foresee anything but a passing grade. I feel great and have so since my last surgery in December last year. Granted, it has taken me a while to get my energy back, and at times I do feel that I am still fairly weak if I overwork myself, but, that is all to be expected.
I also have no reservations with going under the knife again for my WLS in less than ten-months, and even with two major surgeries under my belt in less than three months time, I am just as eager as I was with my original surgery. I have great faith and hold great esteem for my bariatric surgeon – Dr. Keith Warnock. Between both my Oncologist and Bariatric surgeon they know what’s realistic for me and my situation, and if they say all is good, then I trust their words.
Know this… as SOON as my appointment is over with my Oncologist I will be calling Dr. Warnock FIRST THING! Trust! If it’s too late in the day Wednesday, I will be their first caller Thursday morning. When I spoke with Debbie in March she said that I am already approved with Tri-Care for a second go-round and all we have to do is set a surgery date which won’t be an issue.
Can you guys believe that Tri-Care JUST approved patients to be able to redo Gastric Bypass Surgery due to complications through their initial surgery? Crazy huh! Yeah, I got an email regarding that. Yea me! Luckily I don’t have to go through any hoops!
Keep those fingers crossed for me my lovelies. For an unceasing cancer-free status and a speedy surgery date!!!
Gastric Bypass Surgery… but no Gastric Bypass
3/19/08
Okay my lovelies. So I know that you guys are wondering about what is to come for me now.
Well… now that I’ve had my gastric-bypass surgery, but due to discovering my cancer, my gastric bypass was not performed. Dr. Warnock, my surgeon, suggested that I wait a year before I redo the surgery. My liver specialist that performed my 2nd surgery said that every 6 months for the next 5 years I will need to get a full check-up to examine my body and make sure that the cancer has not returned. I asked him about the gastric bypass, and informed him of what Dr. Warnock said and he agreed.
So… as of right now I go in for my check-up with my oncologist about the first of June. Once I get the a-o-k through my tests results, I can then start my process for my gastric bypass – once again. I will be keeping you guys informed and updated through everything.
Thank you guys for so much love, and for so much support!
Seriously.
I was a bit fearful to tell my story and post it on my site here, but what welcoming open arms I received! Reading all your comments and letters made me cry and filled my heart with such warmth, pure love, and a wondrous joy.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Uncensored: A 6-Part Series
3/17/08
PART ONE
A year ago today I was euphorically swimming in the perfect happiness of my then almost 14 month-old son - whom we’d tried, wished, waited, and prayed seven years for.
A year ago today I was immeasurably grateful for my husbands love, dedication and commitment to me, to our marriage, and to his son.
All has remained the same. Nothing has changed. Nothing except...
A year ago today I had not been diagnosed with cancer.
PART TWO
August 2007 – Out-of-body Experience
8/23/07:
Drifting back into reality, as my eyes slowly opened, all I could make out was my surgeon kneeling next to my bedside. I could feel the comforting warmth of his large hands enclosing my own. My drug-induced haze portrayed him as an angel. He was the only thing in focus. Like a dream, everything else remained a soft fuzzy white. I smiled. Or at least it felt as if I did. In his quiet voice, that revealed his gentle spirit and kind heart, he spoke.
"Dee Dee, sometimes we have a surgery and everything goes as expected. Sometimes we have a surgery and we find something completely unexpected. In those times we may not understand what we have unexpectedly found, but we must carefully assess the situation. When we went inside we found a very large tumor on three-fourths of your liver. We believe its cancer. We have successfully removed it, and sent it off for further testing. I am here for you ever step of the way, for as long as you need me, and I am going to make sure that everything we can possibly do is done…"
Driving from the hospital with my 19-month-old son and my husband, reality started to set. After almost a week of being hospitalized I was finally free! Free to do whatever I want. The air never smelled as fresh, as its calm and quiet breeze brushed against my skin. The sun never seemed to shine as bright, as it warmed me from the outside in. The color of the trees never appeared so rich, with their countless clusters of multihued leaves.
Then, out of nowhere, I had an out-of-body experience.
As the world remained perfect, my world, feel silent. All appeared to stay the same. The sun was shining. The trees were blowing in the breeze. The cars were going. The people were moving. My husband was beside me on my left. But the air; it had abruptly stopped and all was quiet around me. There was no sound – movement, but no sound. As if someone were messing around with the resolution on a television screen, the world faded to black and white. But dull. The air; I couldn't breathe.
Then, I suddenly realized that,
I… had… cancer.
For the first time, the tears began to fall.
PART THREE
Cholangiocarcinoma, also known as Bile Duct Cancer, is a malignant (cancerous) tumor of the bile ducts within or outside the liver. The bile duct is a thin tube, about 4 to 5 inches long, that reaches from the liver to the small intestine. Its major function is to transport bile, which is produced in the liver, stored in the gallbladder, and passed to the small intestine, where it aids in digesting food and liquefying fats. Cholangiocarcinoma is a rare disease, occurring in approximately 2 out of 100,000 people, and a majority of cases are found in patients above the age of 65.
Statistically, only 20% survive 5 years. Now… with that being said… people are not statistics. Every person is different, and every person will have their own experience with cancer and its treatments. Statistics themselves are calculated from data that may be 5, or even 10 years old. So basically, treatments available today may offer newer and more effective treatment options than those of more than 5 years ago.
Surgical resection offers the only potential chance of cure, while fewer than 10% of all cases are actually curable by surgery. However, most patients have advanced and inoperable disease at the time of diagnosis. Survival also depends on the tumors anatomic location, which can affect its resectability (removal), and how advanced it is. As well as whether the tumor can be completely, or only partially removed. If the tumor cannot be completely removed, cure is generally not possible. In this situation, with treatment, about half of patients live a year, and about half live longer.
PART FOUR
My Heart Speaks of Poetry:
As Before -
It dwells in my body
Growing
Unfamiliar
Trying to break me
A devastating rupture
Defined by its strength
Satisfyingly feeding
Upon my crimson veins
Sacrificing a life
For its own
Eating away
All that is
Insensible to the pain
As I suffer
I break
Physically
Mentally
Emotionally
Weakened
All the while
I refuse
To surrender
To submission
My defense is stronger
This is not my first attack
To try and break me
From within
I
Am
Strong
I Will Survive
Again
PART FIVE
December 13th - Surgery 2
Granted, I am in complete confidence of my doctors. My life in their hands feels as secure as my love for my precious son. Bestowing everything that lies important for me in a doctor that will be finalizing medical treatment for a patient with a terminal illness; kindness, compassion, gentility, patience, intelligence, and straight-forwardness, I am peaceful with their role in my life. I strongly presume that my team of doctors treat me as well as they would their own spouse or child(ren), and with that being said - enough said.
Although, I can't seem to stop thinking that cancer, not my doctors, has ultimately laid out my life's plan, and that cancer is in control. There is no cure for this disease, only remission. Cancer can say when and where, maybe even how, it wants to feed on my body – gratifying its hunger. Its footsteps are as undetected as the sound of a tree falling in a forest with no one to hear it - making "no sound". Ah, but it does.
The more positive and assured that I am, the more terrified I become. Terrified to this unknown. Consider this: Cancer vs. AIDS. You see, the difference with AIDS is that, essentially, with today's breakthroughs and medicine, it can be managed to a great extent: put in submission and nearly held in place as a ball in mid-air. Cancer, on the other hand, has yet to come in contact with such a phenomenal treatment. Cancer knows no such medical remedies. You can, literally, live with AIDS. You cannot live with cancer. When present, it does not submit – to anything. Unless remission occurs, and even then there are no promises, eventually, it proves to be, and is, the stronger force.
Nevertheless, I am a strong person. I find this to be one of my greatest qualities. Knowing struggle as almost a sibling, with its almost ceaseless presence in my life, I successfully rise above. Recurrently faced with profound, multi-layered and deep-rooted battles, in almost a fight for my life, or a fight for the very things that make and create my life, I still somehow manage to rise above. As much as I am attacked, and tried to be broken like a wild horse, I rise above. So how does this, this cancer, make it any different?
I have, continuously, and will continue to, rise above.
I will
again
rise above.
PART SIX
Almost a month after my second surgery, I wrote this:
My life has literally been spared. I have victoriously conquered my battle with cancer. The best ending to my particular terminal illness was complete surgical resection - and we did it. Not only was the removal of everything cancerous a complete success, but there were also no other indications of it multiplying elsewhere.
What a miracle - truly a miracle.
I don't know how many times my husband and me, my team of doctors, and others who are familiar with this form of cancer have said time and time again, that if it had not been for the accidental findings of my doctor last year, I would be dead. I do not say this lightly. This is, without a doubt, an accurate statement. We were so lucky to have found it at such an early stage. There must be more in store for me in this world because my time is not over. My life has been spared.
Now, all I can do is think back to what it felt like… to be dying. I admit that through all my optimistic outlooks, death was essentially staring me in the face like an unsought staring contest. I would secretly think how much time is there? How much time do I have left? Will I grow old with the love of my life? I saw so much in the eyes of my husband through those times. In his tears and in his pain my heart ached. It throbbed. My heart broke because I didn't know if I was going to be in his future. The future that we have so meticulously planned. Or will I live long enough to watch my son grow up, graduate, get married and have children of his own? I found that when nobody was looking I would stare at them both and mourn the time that I would not have with them. I felt robbed. Cheated.
I felt desperate.
But you know… my heart was also happy. Happy because each day that I remained I was given the gift of make lasting memories with them both.
Fortunately for me, on the other hand, which far outweighed its counterpart, told me that cancer, this cancer, was not the last word. Hope was. I told myself that I would fight tooth and nail to beat this thing; I would be joyous and thankful in the midst of being in pain and full of anger. That it was okay to not be able to answer the tough questions. And that it was even okay to question everything and nothing at the same time.
I constantly told myself to see through the moment, to see through my possible future and live for that moment, for that day. I had chosen to make lasting memories in that moment and not succumb to the "what ifs" about tomorrow. I had to keep going. And I had to choose life.
Cancer does not have to be a curse. Nor does it have to be a punishment. It is not in any way "deserved", nor or a payback of sorts. Cancer may not add years to your life, but why chose to be miserable? If there is one thing that cancer cannot take away from me it's my hope. My moments with my family. Cancer may have the power and the ability to take my time on this earth, but it does not have the power to steal my hope, or my moments in the now.
It isn't about the cancer. It isn't about the ability that it has to destroy our bodies. It isn't about the constant tests, the needles, the surgeries, the treatments, or even the parts of us it takes away. It's about the journey. It's about rediscovering the parts of yourself that you never ever knew or dreamed existed, and giving them room to grow and room to take flight. It's about seeing life through cancers eyes and being better because of it. Being more whole. More alive despite it.
Sure… there were days that felt like a Mac truck just bulldozed over me. There were days that I looked into the mirror and thought, "Who is that person?" But there were also days that I was fully alive and energized too. It's part of the journey, my journey. It's part of life.
But it's not the only part. Not the defining part.
It's about living.
I am still a mother. I am still a wife. I am still a daughter, a sister, a friend, an aunt. I am still the same person that I was before I found out that I had cancer - maybe just a little more mature and a hell of a lot less naïve. But I still have the same heart, the same dreams, the same desires… I am still me. Cancer cannot take that away. It only makes me stronger.
You see, we have to step out. We have to keep going. We have to choose life.
Hug your husband, your wife, your son or daughter, your mothers and fathers. Hug your family. Tell them you love them a little more today, and tomorrow, and the next day. Because somewhere out there, someone just lost there loved one to cancer and will never hear those words from them again. Make lasting memories with them. Hold them a little bit longer. Love them a little bit stronger. After all… it's only for a moment that they are your to hold. Look into their eyes and feel happy, blessed, encouraged, uplifted, and thankful. Most of all, thankful. Be thankful for today. Thankful for the opportunity that you have to be here, today.
I want to tell you… there is hope and life after a cancer diagnosis. This is true. It doesn't have to stop there.
I have so much that I can share with you - about life, love, pain, and everything in between. Cancer has given me a new set of eyes. It has added a new chapter in my story of life. One of learning, growth, and wisdom. If I come away with anything from my experience it would be that life isn't always fair, but it is amazing and messy all at the same time.
The Protein Diet Begins
Today I start my 10-day Protein Diet which means that I am 10 days away from my surgery. Everything still feels surreal. I still can’t believe it is actually going to happen. Wow. Wow. Wow. It’s weird though. Even though I can’t believe its happening, I know its happening and anxiety is really starting to set. I tell myself all will be okay and search OH reliving others journeys. I really can’t imagine losing all this weight. That’s just too weird. I’m sure everyone was in my shoes now… not being able to envision a smaller self. My bigger excitement is that I can’t wait to be happy with myself. I understand that this surgery will not be the answer to all my inner demons but I’m hoping it can possibly subdue the voices. I’m so looking forward to a healthier, happier, and brighter smiling me. This has been a long awaited request and my dream is finally coming through.
Here’s to me…
Here’s to you…
Here’s to all who will, are and have taken this journey…
Away from morbid obesity.
8/10/07
APPROVED!!!!!
OH MY GOSH!!!!! I AM APPROVED YOU GUYS!!!!! I… AM… APPROVED!!!!! I’M APPROVED!!!!! I’M APPROVED!!!!!
There is simply NO day better than this. Ok… well maybe so.
1. Falling in love with my best friend.
2. Our wedding day. Ok so this is #4, but it still ranks on my top 5!
8/3/07
3. The birth of our son.
I still can’t believe it. As I write this I still can hardly breathe and it’s difficult to type because my hands are so shaky. Eeeeee!!!!! Can you believe it’s only been a matter of 72 hours! You know what’s funny too. I was a total slave to the Tri-Care site checking my authorization status. I was literally checking it four or five times a day. Today I was like… “Ok… I’m going to restrain myself” after I checked it this morning and decided to not check again until 4 o’clock. Johnnie from Dr. Warnock’s office called me at 4:02. 4:02 can you believe it! When I saw the name on the caller ID my heart just about fell out of my chest though. Then when I heard a voice other than Debbie’s I just knew it wasn’t good news. But! To my surprise… completely unexpected guys.
Completely unexpected.
Waiting & Hoping
8/1/07
Dr. Warnock is incredible! Simple amazing. Of course as you guys know I had already grown quite fond of Dr. Cavazos, so a thought of a new doctor was a bit hesitant. But from the moment Dr. Warnock stepped into my waiting room and began speaking I was instantly captivated and in another world. I don’t know what it is about him, but there is something calming, something gentle, something humble that lingers in his energy. The entire consult he was especially attentive and seemed very concerned about my well-being. Although I am fairly knowledgeable regarding the surgery, Dr. Warnock explained things in the simplest of terms and in a very gentle way. Overall you guys, Dr. Warnock’s demeanor is genuine and that’s what I need. This is such a huge decision I am making and I need my surgeon to be right, and the process to be dealt with care you know. Keep your fingers crossed for me guys okay!!!
Still optimistic and hopeful!
So at the moment I am in the waiting process for Tri-Care to approve my surgery. Debbie, the insurance specialist, seems very sure though. She said that she didn’t foresee any problems. I’ve never been told that before! She was very sure too because she was like, “and if we do we’ll take care of it and get it taken care of, but I really don’t foresee that happening”. Debbie said in about a week I should have a response from Tri-Care. I’m so excited! I find myself already checking my status online, and I’m sure it’ll become obsessive in this next week!
Taking A New Route
Okay guys… it’s been about a month and a half since my last post and I apologize. So much has happened in that time frame in regards to my surgery. I was a little down in the dumps and couldn’t even get myself to log into my OH account on a daily basis as I had been. I know I’m not the only one to go through these “road blocks” but it’s still frustrating. I do however want to truly thank all of you who keep sending me messages and inquiring abut my absence. J I am loved.
Okay. Now down to the nitty gritty.
Remember all the stuff that was about to go on from my last blog? Well, I was still a little concerned and apprehensive about my approval with Tri-Care, being that I was kind of doing things backwards and didn’t get my referral first. So I decided to call Dr. Cavazos office again and speak with the insurance specialist. She informed me that in the event that Tri-Care does not give me an approval I would have to pay for all of my upcoming appointments and testing out of pocket; which I already knew. She wasn’t really worried about the approval, but to be on the safe side she suggest that I wait until my appointment with my PCM before continuing. I took her advice and put my appointments on hold. I am glad that I took her advice. Well… I decided to just go with the flow and accept the doctor they would provide. I figured, I’ll go this route and if “push-comes-to-shove” I will take my other option of lowering my benefits and taking my chances with the co-pay. Either way, I figured I would get my surgery. Which is awesome right?
So I received my referral for a doctor in Wichita Fall, Texas by the name of Dr. Warnock at the Bariatrics of Texas. I was told that he is one of the best surgeons in Texas and highly recommended. I left the office feeling content and as soon as I got home I did research on the internet about my new doctor and was extremely pleased with the results. Even though I was so in love with Dr. Cavazos, Dr. Warnock had already set an impression in my mind. I sent in all the material needed to Dr. Warnocks office that same day and waited for the call. What threw me off from my new-found “high” was my appointment date. When the receptionist/appointment coordinator from Dr. Warnock’s office called to set up an appointment, to my dismay I would have to wait another 4 weeks. A month! An entire month!
This is what set me back into a little bit of a slump. I was trying to be so optimistic with everything you know. I mean don’t get me wrong, I was still way excited about everything. It’s just I didn’t want to have to wait another 4 weeks before having to essentially start again. Nevertheless, I made it through and here I am. I’m back and ready to take this new road. Wish me luck!
Again!
7/27/07
I went into my appointment and although I did receive an approval for a referral to a surgeon, it ended up not being with Dr. Cavazos. As I was getting my referral paperwork from the Tri-Care office following my appointment, I was informed that Dr. Cavazos was not a network provider for Tri-Cares. Dr. Cavazos is a provider for Tri-Care, but not in the network. Meaning, as a Prime member I could see Dr. Cavazos but I would have to pay 50% out of pocket. If I were to change my benefits to Standard, Tri-Care would pay for the entire surgery, but I would have to pay an uncertain co-pay of up to $1,000. With all this new information I was so confused. What should I do? Should I take the chance and lower my benefits? Or should I just go with the surgeon they provided me and not pay a dime?
Tuesday, July 31st at 1 o’clock. That’s the date. I’m so excited and I have a fresh confidence.
Everyone keep their fingers crossed for me okay!
Need To Fast First
6/14/07
I went in to the lab this morning to get my blood work and urinalysis done and they informed me that I need to have fasted for 12 hours before I can do all the tests. I didn’t even know. So tomorrow morning I will go back in and get that taken care off. Apparently there is something going on with radiology and they’re referring people off base so on my appointment with my PCM on the 27th I will ask about getting that.
Next Tuesday I will complete my nutritional consultation with the dietician and that’s going to be done over the phone so that’s cool. Then next Friday I drive back to San Antonio for my psychological evaluation and then that night I will check into Northeast Baptist Hospital and have my sleep study performed. I’m kind of anxious for the sleep study. I wonder what my results will be. Then a week after that is when I’ll have my appointment with my PCM and hopefully everything will go smoothly and I can get a referral to see Dr. Cavazos. I really want to use him for my surgeon. However… if they happen to refer me to another doctor and I’m approved there for the surgery then that’s okay too. Needless to say I just want the surgery. But it would be so awesome to have Dr. Cavazos perform it!
Does it feel like time is moving by slowly or is that just me? The song ‘Hung Up’ by Madonna keeps playing in my head: time goes by, so slowly… time goes by, so slowly… time goes by, so slowly… time goes by, so slowly… time goes by, so slowly… time goes by, so slowly.
In anticipation.
But…
still in high spirits
and
still optimistic!
