fairy_kissez

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Some of you know my story and some of you don’t, I am hoping that my story would catch the attention of those who are considering the lapband. In 2008 I had the lapband surgery, I did very well and I lost 113 lbs. In 2011 I got really sick and stomach began to swell, so they completely unfilled the band. It didn’t work I was still having swelling and some really odd symptoms like random swelling in joints but now that I think of it I was having that weird swelling of joints soon after my lapband was placed. I got very sick and lost 20lbs in a month from not being able to eat anything at all. I thought for sure the band had slipped or eroded or something but each test showed that the band was fine…but I wasn’t fine. In April of 2011 I was dx with Systemic lupus (SLE) and then it went downhill from there. I then had pericarditis, pleurisy, and pancreatitis all back to back. Lupus was attacking the lapband and anything near it so my heart and lungs were all taking a beating. Messed up thing was they had to put me on high dose steroids 100mgs and anyone who has taken steroids knows that is a lifesaving dose. I needed the lapband out but problem was I couldn’t get it out till I was stable so that took another six months. The lap band was removed and I was hoping that would be the end of the lapband damage but it wasn’t. Today I was diagnosed with Gastoparesis, basically my stomach is paralyzed, it doesn’t contract anymore. Food sits in my stomach and it decomposes. This is so very painful that I am on long term opiate therapy. The medicine to help has some serious side effects so I have decided to be on liquids and mushies for the rest of my life, much like I was when I had the lapband. I have lupus which I did not know could be a complication of the lapband……I wasn’t told that if I had a family history of autoimmune diseases that I should not have the lapband surgery, I also wasn’t told that it could damage the vega nerve and leave my stomach paralyzed. I was under this crazy illusion that once the band was out everything would go back to normal, that’s why we chose this as a WL tool right? Because it has the least risk right….No it doesn’t.  I will never be able to truly tell you what went wrong only that it did and I will suffer for the rest of my life. It wasn’t worth it. The 113lbs I lost I gained back, all the steroids and other drugs they gave me to save my life well those all cause weight gain. So I am back to where I started only worse off. I am now disabled; I can barely walk some days let alone do any kind of work. My life has stopped and every day is a struggle just to get to the next day.

Please don’t say “it won’t happen to me” because I used to say the same thing. When other lapbanders would come on here and bash the lapband  I would get so mad and tell them off and ban them….but they were right….they were only trying to help me. I don’t come on here much anymore because I feel shame…why?? That’s a good question maybe because I acted like an ass and pushed away anyone who wanted to take away my ray of sunshine. The truth is a hard one to swallow but I have eaten it and I will own it. I apologize to those who tried to help and I was a bitch to. Nic and Maria we have already conversed and I can never apologize enough.

With that said, please if you are considering the lapband please please please don’t do it. It is not the safest and it’s not as easy as removing it and life goes back as if it never happened. It causes damage. If you think that my story can’t happen to you it can I am proof it does. I’m sure I will upset someone with my post but I don’t care. I worked my band, I kicked ass with my band, ate what I was supposed to and it still FAILED guess the “band rules” don’t work for everyone or how do you explain what happened to me. You can also argue that my case is rare….but if someone would of told me that this was a possibility then I wouldn’t of gone through with it. Just be informed of ALL the risks not just the most common.

So it’s been a year since surgery and I have contemplated over and over in my head what I would say in my one year bandiversary post, I was hoping to say that I reached my personal goal but I did not. I wanted to be less than 200 lbs a year out, and missed it by a whole 7lbs. These 7 lbs have seemed to be my demon, and I am fighting it with all I have left in me.

I have my days where I absolutely love love love my band, and then there are days when I want to rip it out and stomp on it because it shouldn’t be this hard! When I started my journey I think I had some unrealistic expectations of what the band could do for me, reality set in once I understood that it’s up to me and the band won’t save me from ….me!. I have to make better choices, and my band is just a tool. It is totally up to me to make it work or not. Do I have regrets?? Sure don’t we all, but I don’t regret my band even on the days when I hate the bitch! It has slapped me with reality and the reality is that I have to change and not expect the band to change me.  

I am still a work in progress…I still have quite a few more lbs to loose and hopefully I will learn the lessons I am determined to learn and be done with this part of the journey. My Dr. thinks that I am too hard on myself and I have exceeded his expectations….but what it comes down to for me is the number on my scale that little number that has eluded me……….but it is ok I will get there!

What I have learned about myself and my eating habits are amazing. Before surgery I could have sat there and said “I don’t eat that much, why am I fat” LMAO after surgery and the portion sizes I get now was a wakeup call, hell yeah I ate a ton!! I had no concept of what a portion size was…but I do now! I also learned that my addiction was a lot worse than I ever thought. I am totally addicted to food and I eat my feelings. Now I find that I can easily be addicted to things that I thought was impossible before like peanut butter (probably my demon) and coffee! I need to work on those issues in order to become successful once I reach goal or else this would all have been for nothing.

What I can do now that I couldn’t do before….

·         Run….hated it before, but it’s not that bad once you get used to it. Sometimes it is actually fun, NOT just an evil necessity!

·         Work out for an hour a day!

·         Cross my legs comfortably and look good doing it…not like I’m trying to hard lol!

·         Can climb stairs without be totally exhausted.

·         I can breathe…before it was using an inhaler (was a smoker prior to surgery) being able to breathe is the best thing that could have come out of this whole experience. If anything else I love my doc for making me quit and that is the best thing I could have done for my health.

·         I sleep much better now and a lot of my insomnia has gone away!

·         I can play with my kids………I can run circles around them now……this is one that I am proudest for.

·         Wear my 12 year old daughter’s clothes!!!!

·         Walk in heels and not look like I’m going to tumble over or die from the pain!!

There are also things that are not so great, like still not being comfortable in my body. I find that I am trying to cover up even more than I did before because let’s face it hanging skin is just not pretty!!!. My anxiety got worse, I suspect because I gave up every crutch I had (eating and smoking) and have nothing to that helps to relieve that. I would also like to point out that whoever said that exercise relieved stress is a big fat liar!!! Or maybe I’m so far gone that it just won’t work for me. I have decided that one of my goals is to address this issue with my Dr. and if need be take something to help with the symptoms.

So there it is the honest good bad and ugly…. I would like to say to those who are thinking about the lap band to be really sure that you can handle it. I have said many times before it takes a strong ass person to work the band and to maintain on the band. Make sure you have realistic expectations of what the band can do it is just a tool; the band can’t choose the foods you put in your mouth it can only stop you from eating more of them.

I was just telling my hubby “can you believe it has already been a year?” but seriously it may have flew by but there were some trials that just dragged ass. I’m hanging in there, I love you all for being there for me though it all. I could not have asked for better people to share my journey with!!!

I am feeling better from my fill last week. At first it was kind of hard to eat and hurt but that is all gone now and have advanced to a regular diet. I feel good although I think that I may be starting to have gallbladder problems. I get this pain in my right side which is sometimes so darn painful I wanna cry. I guess I need to have that checked out. My knee is better too the 100cc they drained out of it made a huge difference in the way that I can move now. I really need to see my ortho doc again and demand that he take a closer look into why this keeps happening.

Other then those few things I have been feeling great. For the holiday weekend we went to Bluewater lake and had a blast fishing! It was so nice to get out of the city and just breathe. Now I wanna live there...I told my husband that we really need to consider leaving Albuquerque next summer. Honestly I can not stand living here anymore. I feel like I live in the world's biggest neighborhood association. I want to go somewhere where living in the land of the FREE means something. If you knew our mayor here you would understand..and I am a democrat but that is one democrat that needs a good swift kick in the butt. Imagine living in a world where you cant play your car radio with the windows down cause you will get a $500 fine...well that's the reality of living in this city because I got a citation for doing just that. I understand some things need to be regulated but really music, I wasn't bothering anyone, and being a criminal justice graduate I do know the laws and am very aware of my rights, and although I pointed out to the officer all the elements of the crime he said I committed were not met...he found a different more vague ordinance to cite me. Now is that really fair? Police officers should be happy that the citizens know their rights not go around the law when someone challenges your authority. I have to tolerate a lot of things that really really annoy me...does that mean I should lobby for a ordinance? No!! Cant we coexist without so many regulations that impede on our freedoms. Now I have been a democrat for all my life a moderate one but still one, but the other side is looking more appealing to me as these things come up in my life.

Now that I am done venting...lol I want to say that I am looking forward to a nice summer with the kids. I also am GOING back to school!!! Yep I want to finish up my BA in CJ which I only have 18 month to complete and then I am going to apply to law school. I have let my weight hold me back long enough and I am so ready...just in case your wondering what kind of law I will focus on...its civil rights lol....are you surprised?