4 month update. Some deep issues I've been dealing with...

Mar 14, 2013

So this is just a quick check in update for my 4 month surgiversary. Today It's officially 4 months since surgery and i'm down 84lbs all together. I FINALLY got under 300lbs and am sitting at 295 today. I only managed to lose 7lbs last month....which is my fault. This last month I've really struggled with emotional issues. It's hard to put into words but sometimes I am totally satisfied with where I am with my weight and question if I want to lose more. And I know this is probably in part to other issues that are too deep to get into...but I debate with myself often what I really want. The thing is, I think spending so long as a super morbidly obese person has really screwed up my perception of what 'thin' is. Hell some days I FEEL thin which obviously at 295lbs I am not...but in comparison to almost 400lbs I do feel thin.

It's a strange thing, but being so big can definitely warp your perceptions. Then there are times when I actually in some ways MISS being bigger. I don't understand it and I think it was probably because of my involvement with the plus size communities and other big woman over the years, but I became almost attached to being fat, specifically over 300lbs- and to not be there now leaves me feeling....strange. I miss certian features of my 'old' body that would probably repulse most normal people, and when I see a woman who is bigger then me I almost feel a sense of sad wistful feelings.... its really rough to admit this because now I feel SO much better then I did then physically. Like I would NEVER want to feel like that again because it was painful and physically draining on my body. Now I have a LIFE and can live it. I can walk anywhere I want, I can shop ANYWHERE- I've always loved to shop and clothes but at a size 22 as apposes to a 26/28 life and shopping is SO much better. I work hard to try to understand these feelings and when I've tried to talk to friends or family about them no one really understands it. Hell I don't even understand it. And I debated whether or not to even put this on here because I know a lot of people probably can't understand where I'm coming from either on here. Most people on here strive to be as far away from fat as they can get. I've been considering getting professional help because I don't want to be put in the position of sabotaging myself and my health because of a form of body dysmorphia which I am sure I have. And I feel like I HAVE been sabotaging myself, maybe not totally intentionally but in the back of my mind 'Oh just have a cookie, you're already pretty 'thin' anyway...' I don't want to do that.

I'm really struggling with these things and I hate it. I know I've done pretty well thus far, and I don't want that to end here. I'm proud of my lose of 84lbs. I feel SO great and active physically- which may be part of why I feel its 'okay' to not lose more- its night and day from where I was and its almost as if I'm living a different life now. So I guess I justify stopping because I feel better. Of course I feel better, at nearly 400lbs I couldn't do ANYTHING... I'm just mixed up which is why I am going to seek professional help for these issues. Its very hard to come here and admit these issues but I want people to know that every ones struggles and journey is different and it isn't all roses.

 

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About Me
NY
Location
43.6
BMI
VSG
Surgery
11/14/2012
Surgery Date
Jul 21, 2005
Member Since

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