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Wow, I realized I havn't posted in quite a while.  A little update from the last post--My body miraculously cured itself.  I was nauseated and throwing up and then one night, it was good--the food went through.  I was just planning to schedule surgery but trying to get through Christmas in retail and then poof, everything was good.  So I am glad I waited it out a little because if I did not, I would have had surgery and more bills I did not need.

So how am I doing now.  I must say I am a little dissappointed in me.  My weight has not dropped in 3 months and I keep bouncing around 141-143.  Why?  Because I keep eating too much sugar and sweets and not exercising regularly.  Point blank.  I must own up to what is going on.  So one can have the procedure, but changing behaviors is much harder.  If my weight does go beyond 143, I do freak out and go back to basics until it Idrops back to 141 and then I start eating too many sweets and you get the picture.  I have never gotten down to my goal weight of 134.  So close.  I am trying to get my head together to go for it since I am much more active in the sping and summer, but honestly, I am having a hard time right now renduring up my motivation.

I have never been a depressed person--only down at times like a normal life brings one.  But I do feel like I am dealing with the same issues I have always had.  My vices are shopping and eating when I am feeling bored.  That is right,  I think my problem is boredom.  I was taking interior design classes but I was working my way up to hard classes that were taking all my free time which made my life just work and shcool.  But I do need something that I am passionate about along with work.  Hey maybe it could be exercising or voulunteering or another fun job.  How about a job in a Gym?  I don't know, I have to figure this out because I am always living paycheck to paycheck and on the edge.  I am also bored at work most of the time and that is also leading to eating sweets.  I work in a high end retail store with three other salespeople.  Even though at times, we can be bust because we are helping a client, Most of the time, we are competing for people walking in the store.  So the environment has 1.  too much downtime and 2. A highly competative environment.  I would rather be overwhelmed than underwhelmed.  So why don't I find another job, because I get paid much too well.  Most retailers do not pay like where I work so I just try to keep busy.  So those are my issues I am trying to deal with from day to day.

I have been hanging in there with eating--I am sure I will be sick of soup in the next 4 weeks but it goes down so well.  Good thing it is cold (40's) cold for Calirfornia, anyhow.  So My bff Bridgette and I went to the city yesterday to try to sell some clothes I've already grown out of and I could only sell 1 pair of pants at crossroads.  They don't get it--I had Jill Sander, DKNY, Max Mara--all pass.  I guess I'll get back on ebay.  So without much extra money (which is safer that way)  we went to Bloomingdales (pretty new) and hit the new Barneys that opened up this year.  My new favorite store is Zora--which is all clothing from Spain but the price points are so awsome for the style and quality of the clothing.  I bought 3 things 2 pants, and 1 top all for under $150.  But best of all drum roll please--I was fitting in size 6's and 8's.  I was so happy.  Bridgette, my always thin friend bought the size 8 pants that I bought in a size 6.  It was the first time that it really hit me.  I am not fat.  I can fit into regular sizes off the rack from a store that makes clothes in Spain.  I am no longer fat.  Wow.  This is kind of mind blowing.  It was really surreal.  Pant after pant I was either a size 6 or 8.  It was not a fluke.  I was fitting in the same sizes as my friend, Bridgette--my skinny friend Bridgette.  Except for having no funds, this was the most fun I have had shopping for ages.

I met with my surgeon, Dr. Anwar, and I was basically told that I needed to have surgery.  Because I still am having problems keeping food down after 5 days he needs to go in and straighten out where my food is backing up.  After reading all the posts and complications on obhesity help, I thought a scope down the throat was likely.  But apparently, my problem is too far down in the bowl for that so he has to go in Lap and possible open if lap doesn't work.  So here I am smack middle in the busiest time of the year for me with work and am sitting here with a dilema.  Take care of it right now or wait until January.  He said if I can manage my diet with liquids and soft foods with protein that I could hold out.  If it becomes problematic, I could go in sooner.  So I am going to try to wait it out.  Now that I know what basically does not work, I am managing the vomiting episodes a little better.  Found out mushy lentil soup DOES NOT work.  Yogurt, Lattes, ricotta cheese, regular cheeses, sun chips, and reeses pieces are all good.  I just have to get a handle on the protein a little more since I think I have peaked at 45 grams.  It's kind of funny the sound my digestive track makes when things go up and down before draining out of the small space I have.  It's like mating whales gurgling pitches and peaks.  It can be quite embarrassing.  So, I have to hold on for  about 3 1/2 weeks. I hope I can make it.  I seem to be able to handle things better because I know what the problem is and know more how to handle it now.  Every once in a while I feel so normal I try something as a test and then know the problem is still there. DAMN  I somehow keep thinking I can will this problem away with enough thinking that it will go away.  So much for the secret.  Anyway, I was down to 139 lbs this morning. Even I am a little afraid of losing too much weight too fast and am trying to slow this down.  6 lbs in one week 11 months out is probably not healthy.  I even ate reeses pieces (did you know 2 halloween size packs have 5 grams of protein)  I thought why not, at least it has some protein.  So I will keep my eye on my weight.

Well that is my update today--just trying to get through the next 3 weeks 1 day at a time.

As I mentioned before, I think I finally am not complication free boohoo.  I thought this was smooth sailing for me.  I am going to meet with my surgeon today.  I went and had an upper GI 2 days ago and two things are going on.  First, I have an intestine that is at a 90 degree angle and narrowing.  Liquid can get through as well as some soft foods but alot is backing up and going back up my pouch and up the esophugus making me get somewhat naucious.  I have to finally throw up to get rid of the pain and nauticiousness.  (forgive my spelling).  Secondly, I have some type of hernia which will be explained to me today.  Also, I guess I will get the action plan. I can function, but not on my top level which is hard when I work in retail in a commissioned environment and it is christmas shopping time.  I find that I really don't want to help anybody and don't really care if they buy anything or not.  BAD BAD BAD.

The scale reads 140 today which is probably because I havn't been eating much and will probably go up and soon as I can eat.  On a lighter note, on the day all this started happening, an interesting thing occured at the little cafe I eat at.  First, after I ordered, I took my number and found a table which was next to another table where to older gentlment were sitting. Since the table were so close, this older man actually was flirting with me saying you are welcome to sit and join us. I replied I practically already am.  Then when my plate of scrambled eggs with feta cheese and spinach came with a side order of wheat toast came--it is a pretty decent serving and I can eat about 1/3--usually it is ordered with another person to share but no one was around and I felt like it--the guy says wow are you going to eat all that?  What amused me is that if I was perceived as fat, no one would actually ever say that to me because, 1.  I could and would probably eat all of it thus making me fat and 2 I guess I don't have a 2 but they must see me as thin to even make a comment like that.  I love observing how people treat thinner people different than fatter people.

So a few days ago I was at urgent care when all of this began and the doctor who treated me didn't even know anything about RNY and was asking me the anatomy of it.  You would think if you are working at a medical center in any type of urgern or emergency medical care, they might have a course educating them about the basics of Bariatric surgery and possible side effects.  Geez, don't they have to update their credentials.  I would at least get on a computer and get a general understanding of this.  But anyway, she called my surgeons office for help and when she talked to my surgeon, who I havn't seen in about 8 months, (they have a great after care and I meet with the nurses), the first thing this doctor says he asked was how much do I weigh.  That is what he is concerned with--how well the surgery worked for me and him and the results.  I had to chuckle.  

Anyhow, I guess I am kind of in a writing mood and will say goodbye for now

I have not been doing too well for the last couple of days.  For the first time ever, I got really sick after I ate a breakfast that I have eaten several times.  For the the last 2 days, I have not been able to keep anything down but water.  SO off to the doctor--I had an ultrasound and gallbladder is A-ok,  So today off the the radiologist to have an upper GI.  I have a kink in my intenstine that is at a 90 degree angle that seems to be narrowing and some kind of hernia.  I didn't quite catch what it was but I am waiting for the my surgeon's interpretation of everything.  So today I think I am sticking to liquids.  I did weigh 141.8 this morning and have lost 4 lbs with this ordeal but I am not changing any tickers or anything yet since once I stard eating, I will probably put a little bit of liquid and stuff back on.  I will try to go to work today but I feel so weak from not eating but there is definately money to make and things I need to take care of.  On my 11 month aniversary, I weighed 145 for a loss of 97 lbs and now I am in the normal category of BMI which is good.  I am shooting for 139 in the month of December to keep on my track.  I am still trying for 134 as my fist goal weight.  I just want to be able to eat and feel healthy again.

HMPH!  The scale said exactly 149 lbs this morning.  Yesterday 148, the day before, 147--My period usually helps me lose weight but not this time.  It is my fault.  I have been eating too many sweets.  Here is my ugly little habit coming back to haunt me.  My problem is this. (well one of them).  I work in a pretty high pressure job.  I'm in retail sales at a designer specialtyl store.  Unlike most of the commission jobs I had and manager jobs (I worked at Nordstrom and Nieman Marcus), this one pays very well for retail--a pretty decent salary plus commission.  This all sound good and well but because they feel like they have the best, they expect the best out of you.  You have to consistently make pretty high goals--yes, I'm expected to crank out at least 1.5 million a year in women's clothing sales, which is nothing to sneeze at.  So, if sales are not going like you want, if the buyers are not buying what the customer is looking for, it can get pretty frustrating.  Plus, when you sale jackets that are $2900 and up a shot, there is some down time because people are not rushing in your doors to buy this.  Let's admit it, even though I live in silicon valley, not alot of people are willing to plunk down this amount, although more than you would think.  Well here in lies my problem that you know I would eventually get to.  In the down time--I seek out the reward, the comforting piece of candy that is going to get me through the next hour.  Our little store also highly revolves around food becuase of this stress and there is always an escape into the mall when we are a little bored and do not quite know what to do with ourselves.  My other point in the day where sweets gone wild emerge is after dinner and at the end of the night when I finally snuggle up in bed with a book.  Where is my REWARD for making it through the battle of the day  WHERE IS IT.  So I know and acknoledge the problem.  WHAT can I do about it.  When I come up with the answer--I'll get back to you.

I ended my 11 months out from surgery at 147.  I notice my weight going up and down by a lb more often that I used to.  So that made my weight loss 4 lbs last month.  I was not and angel so I guess I should be greatful for that.  I have a wicked sweet tooth and that can get me in trouble.  I had a bite of Baklava at a meditranean restaurant and that made me sick so yes, I can't tolerate alot.  I try to manage my sweet intake to one dessert a day and it can't be over 100 calories.  That has seemed to be working better for me because I allow it and manage it.  So next month I want to lose 5 lbs.  Let's see if it will happen

OK  I have been concentrating and managed to get back to 147.  My goal this month--until Nove 5 is 145.  HMMM.  My clutch in my car is going so I have been walking to work which gives me a little of the exercise I need..... I know this is going to be the key to getting to my goal.  I need to go look at Gyms but I have got myself into a little precarious money situation due to my shopping habit.  So right now, I am working on paying off everything, fixing my car and adding the gym allowance to my budget.  

I really need to work on my clothing addiction--it really is just as bad as my eating was.  Both have been my struggle my entire life.  Luckily, I am not in that much debt--but I want to become asset rich so I do not struggle in my retirement years.  Today, Brian and I are going to the bank to discuss opening a roth IRA.  I also put 10% of my paycheck into a 401K but my company does not match--so it is all me.  I need to realize I can't have everything I want and that is hard for me--but I am learning to wait for the things that I really want--the hard way.  It actually makes me get all anxious if I can't get something but after waiting it out, I usually get over  it.  It is really hard now that I actually look good in clothes but believe me, I have enough to last me until the day I die.

I feel like I am struggling alot this month with my weight loss.  I was down to 146 lbs when I bought a new scale because my other one was dying and always weighed me 5 lbs more than my doctor's office.  Well the new one weighed my at 146 also so I thought great--an accurate scale.  So in the next couple of days, it went up to 147 and 148.  So I basically have gained 2 lbs.  This hasn't happened on my journey before. So I am thinking--water weight gain, so I have been drinking and drinking over 64 ounces a day.  Still havn't lost that water weight this week.   Hmmmmm.  I am now going to have to get real with myself.  I have gotten back into some old nasty habits.  Here is my confession.  I eat sugar every day.  Not alot, but some.  Also, I have not been exercising.  GEE, perhaps this is why I am not losing weight and even gaining right now.  

What I do right (according to my own beliefs)

drink at least 64 oz of liquid a day
take all my vitamins
eat 64 oz of protein
eat small, healthy meals ain correct proportion
stop when I am full

what I need to constantly work on

Get a regular exercise program--yes I think I need to go join the gym again  my program is not working for me at home

LIMIT the sweets--count the calories and just have  the calories that I account for--do not add extra or graze--I need to white knuckle this and get control of myself

I really think exercise is the key for me to get back on track since my eating is overall good (except for the little candy snacks.)  My trigger is usually at work when I am bored and after my last meal.  

I will get on these two things.

Today I finally broke into the 140's--I weighed in at 149 according to my decripit target scale that actually weighs me five pounds heavier and with a low battery.  Yesterday, it weighed me at 225 for a second.  I think that this is a pretty accturate weight because it consistently weighs me 5 lbs more than my doctor's scale.  This last month I only lost 4 lbs.  I didn't have a period after having 2 last month and skipping the month before.  I might be pre menepausal--I just don't know.  I seem to lose faster with the old period.  I was 8 lbs ahead of my target weight loss projections, but now I am only 4 lbs ahead.  Honelstly though, I feel like my eating has been a contributing factor to my slower weight loss.  I have added in a few sweets every day--kind of the way the French do it.  Not alot, but probably enough to slow things down.  I do get in my liquids and protein as well as fruit and veggies but these little sweet are not a now and then thing.  Also, I have not been consistently exercising.  I do walk everywhere--when I go to the store, etc., but it is not like having a true cardio workout.  So those are two behaviors I need to work on.  I want to get down to at least 145 this month so I will only have 11 lbs to go until goal.