Not Your Average Addict

Sep 07, 2011

I wrote this poem last night about my food addiction. I thought I would share it with you. If you want to read more of my poems go to my poetry blog at www.riverofbees.tumblr.com

My gene pool isn't exactly the type you'd want to go diving into.

It’s made up of equal parts addiction and instability.

Some say I never had a fighting chance.

Despite my mother contributing 23 chromosomes of predestined vulnerability,

I've done quite well at keeping insanity at bay,

and while I’ve had ,my share of  cotton-mouthed, teeth-grinding memories,

I've mastered the art of keeping my good times recreational.

Now you may think I'm in the clear,and don't get me wrong I know I'm one of the lucky ones, 

but there's another dangerous inheritance lurking in the shadows of the other two that has been a thorn in my side since the crib. 

See, I'm addicted to food. 

Scoff if you must, but take a walk in my shoes for a second.

Imagine being a junkie that needed drugs to stay alive.

Or being able to walk into a store and buy crack.

What if you could go through a drive through and buy dope off a dollar menu?If the one thing in the world you had no control over was not only readily available

but was also the main course of almost every social gathering you were invited to, you’d feel my pain. 

Almost three years ago at 28 I was 500 lbs.

I had at least one fat foot planted firmly in an early grave,

a medical history that would rival most 80 year olds,

not to mention a less than stellar social life.

I could barely walk or breathe let alone stand on stage and perform a poem.

Driving a car was out of the question because I couldn't get behind the wheel.

Hell, I hadn't fit into jeans since senior year of high school.

I was serving a death sentence in a prison of flesh and I finally decided to break out.

After a lifetime of dodging the bullets of my mother's bad decisions, 

my health forced me to follow suit and play Russian Roulette. 

With 5 loaded chambers, I placed the barrel in my mouth and pulled the trigger. 

I heeded her example and had weight loss surgery.

Lucky for me, that chamber was empty and I survived. 

In fact, I'm more alive now then I've ever been.

I've lost over 300 pounds, all of my health issues, and a little bit of my self-loathing.

Do you want to know what that scalpel couldn’t cut away?That pesky food addiction. I had gastric bypass, not a lobotomy.I didn't take the easy way out like most of you might think.

I took a short cut, a kick in the ass to help me on this long, arduous journey

and now that the surgery has done it's job and helped me take the weight off,

I'm on my own. 

I am still plagued by constant cravings, and only have small doses of self control. 

I eat things I know I can't have and larger portions than I know I can handle. 

My stomach may be the size of a shot glass, but my eyes still want the whole bottle.

When I’m bored I pass the time stuffing my face full of regrets until I’m bursting at the seams,

until the only thing left to do is bring them back up and flush them down with the promise that I’ll face them another day, 

but that day never comes.

I don't know how to stop and I'm scared to death that I'll gain all that weight back.

 It’s not that I’m in denial.

I know I have a problem.

I just don’t know how to solve it.

It’s easy to not take your addiction seriously when no one else does.

You have to be 500 lbs or 75 lbs in order for people to believe you have a problem with food.

The rest of us are middleweights, 

going 12 rounds with cravings and self-doubt.

If we can go the distance and not be forced to throw in the towel, 

all that’s left is the sound of the bell and the hope that you’re declared champion. 

 

My mind will forever be in the ring with my body and my heart is stuck in the middle wishing we could all just get along.

 

 

0 comments

Welcome Back

Sep 07, 2011

Well it's been a long time and a lot has happened. I quit my job that was making me completely miserable everyday, plus i was stuffing my face there all day long because people feel the need to bring in insane amounts of food all the time. So i quit at the end of May and I moved near Atlantic City with my sister and her family. Things are going well. I had a nice summer and am now aggressively seeking employment. I have since ditched my wig and have decided to just be me and if people can't handle it oh well. I also have been doing well with my poetry in fact I just finished a poem last night about my addiction to food which I will post after this blog. Although I don't know who actually reads this, but if one person gets something out of it that's enough for me. Actually I get something out of it so there's one person right there. Anyway I am at 178 lbs according to the scale this morning. To be fair I have no exercised once this entire summer and I have been eating terribly. My food addiction while not as out of control as it was when I was working is still bad. I need to get a handle on it. So vacation is over and it's time to start fresh. I still want to hit my goal of 150 lbs. although I do have to keep reminding myself that I have A LOT of extra skin which contributes to my weight. I may have the opportunity to have a lower body lift after the new year so I will keep you posted on that, for now though it's up to me. I need to get my life right. I hope everyone else is doing well. Keep your heads up and your minds right. "We are the captains of our own destiny, only we can decide where to steer our ship." 
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Get It Together Alisa

Feb 01, 2011

So the holiday are finally over. It was a struggle. I work in an office full of women so from October to February this place is chock full of junk food. And it really doesn't stop in February its all year round. Anyway I was down about my divorce and life just turning upside down in general and I gorged myself on every piece of junk I could get my hands on. Well I'm paying for it now because since October 7th I've gained 13 pounds. Now I know in my life I've been way more than 170 pounds and I'm very grateful everyday for my health but my goal is 150 it always has been if I get under that and gain a few pounds its ok but I didn't even reach my goal yet and I gained 13 pounds! Unacceptable. I am terrified of going back to anywhere near the weight I used to be so gaining any weight before I reach my goal is really scary. Plus my clothes are fitting snug and I can't have that so I have to get it together. Stop giving into temptation and exercise! I've come to far to give up now.I need to stop doing this    and start doing this
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Good News

Dec 12, 2010

Well Monday 12/6/10 was my 30th birthday. I feel like I probably wouldn't have made it to 30 if I didn't get this surgery. I had 2 feel in the grave. I'm looking and most importantly feeling better than I have in my entire life. Looking forward to the next 30 years. Anyway on Monday I went to my surgeon's fancy pants X-Mas party that he throws for his patients every year. He has a professional photographer take portraits of us every year. This year they took my pic for like 10 minutes. The office manager asked me if it would be okay if they used my before and after pics for their billboards. I'm so excited about this. I've definitely influenced a couple people to get weight loss surgery not by putting any pressure on them at all but just leading my example. You can't deny my results. In February I'll be 2 years post-op and I'm down 326 lbs. All of my health problems have been reversed and life is great. I was also interviewed for a video they are making to show to prospective patients. I'm glad I can help people make a life altering decision. It feels good that something great is coming out of the surgery besides my own success. 2011 is going to be a great year. I can feel it.
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Chugging Along

Nov 26, 2010

Well a lot has changed. My wife and I split up at the end of August and I'm out on my own for pretty much the first time in my life. I feel great. I'll be 30 on December 6th and I look and feel better than I ever have. I have 12 pounds to go until my goal of 150 and its been really slow but with the holidays and the divorce I have been slacking. I'm getting back on track though. life is good
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Scared to Death

Jun 25, 2010

So in my last post I said how ashamed of myself I was for binge snacking so much. I'm still doing the same thing. I haven't been doing it steadily since I last posted but it's getting out of control again. I am a volunteer and committee member for the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life and that pretty much took up my whole life so I didn't go to the gym for this whole month of June. Now that's it's over I need to get back. No excuses. And I need to stop eating so much junk. It's ridiculous. I crave it. I never craved crap before probably because I was always shoveling any kind of food into my mouth constantly but this needs to stop. The scale is slowing down and I'm my own worst enemy. On June 22nd I got my pre-surgery weight tattooed on the top of my right foot so everytime i weigh myself or just glance down I'm reminded where I started from and how I never want to be back there again.

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Guilt & Shame

Mar 28, 2010

So I'm hanging my head in shame today because I have not been doing what I said I was going to do and exercise more and stop eating junk. I'm constantly craving shit food which most likely is making me lazy and lethargic and I don't want to exercise, plus the weather has been horrible and I need a new pair of sneakers. Yesterday was the worst. This is what I had to eat. Half a Snickers ice cream cone, some of a cheddar cheese filled soft pretzel,a little chicken chow mein, a couple spoonfuls of instant oatmeal, half a slice of cheese pizza,and a boatload of potato chips and french onion dip. The last one I literally felt like I did when I was Huge. Shoveling chips and dip into my mouth at lightening speed. I'm totally ashamed of myself. I haven't been out of control like that in over a year and it felt horrible. This was my bottom. Today I am actually starting over. I'm going to drink all my water and eat good foods at a normal pace with my eyes wide open and listening to my stomach and the rest of my body. I can't keep doing this because the scale isn't moving and I still have a ways to go. I'm back on track without a doubt. wish me luck.
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Starting Over

Mar 16, 2010

As of today I am 13 months and 5 days post-op. I feel great for the most part with some minor complications nothing I can't handle. I have about 54 more pounds to lose until I reach my big goal of 140 lbs. I've noticed the weight is coming off much slower of course because I've lost such a massive amount. I've also noticed that my body doesn't want anything with any nutritional value and instead craves junk. So today I have decided to put a stop to it. I will not eat anymore junk or do anything that makes me crave junk (ie:triggers ect) I will also start exercising more often. I can do this. I have to get in the swing of it anyway to maintain my weight when i finally do get to goal. I know I can do this I always said even before surgery "this surgery is not a quick fix. I just need a jump start so i can take the weight off myself" so i'm ready. :)

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A year and 17 days post-op!

Feb 28, 2010

Wow time has really gone by fast. I hit one year 17 days ago and I am down 288 pounds. I never in a million years thought I would do this well. I've just never lost a signifigant amount of weight before and didn't know how it would go. I'm very proud of myself. I feel fantastic. There have been some bumps in the road but I'm working them out. It's like life has just begun. I'm doing things I never thought in a million years I would be able to do.
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I need strength

Aug 06, 2009

On Thursday July 30th, 2009 my father Dave passed away, he was 60 years old. My dad was my best friend. He was diagnosed with lung cancer in February and was doing chemo and radiation. He was doing well or so we thought, the chemo made his blood sugar (he was diabetic since 1990 but it was always under control) shoot up to 1200! The nurses said they've never seen anyone with blood sugar that high alive or dead. So the high blood sugar made him have 3 grand mal seizures and acute kidney failure. He also developed pnemonia on his right lung and had the tumor on the right so his lungs were only working at 30%. He went into the hospital July 25th Saturday and passed away Thursday morning. I miss him more then anything in the world. He asked me every week how much weight I had lost and even if it was only like a 2 pound difference he always said "God i am so proud of you for doing this" he was my own personal cheerleader and now he is gone. I am not going to let this sidetrack me. I will keep doing great because I know he is still proud of me. I'm facing a lot of stress now because I am taking care of his wife of one year who doesn't know how to do much on her own and I had to get put on a payment plan for his funeral because he had no life insurance or anything. Social security said his wife isn't old enough to get widow's benefits (she has to be 60 and she's 53) so now there is no SS money coming in and my wife and I have to move in with her to help her pay the bills until their house sells, IF it ever does. It's one thing after another. Please pray for us.
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About Me
Union City, NJ
Location
28.3
BMI
RNY
Surgery
02/11/2009
Surgery Date
Jan 05, 2007
Member Since

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