My Name is Felicia and this is my story...I know this may sound typical, but it’s true...
I grew up in a very diverse background that was two-fold. From birth to eleven I was raised in Los Angeles, CA. Then from eleven to the beginning of college I was raised in a small rural town in Alabama.
When I was very young I can say around three I was a "normal" size kid. By the time I was eight I was then called chubby, but cute. Then by the time I was about thirteen I was able to wear my mothers' clothing, and they were beginning to become tight at a fast rate.
I'm an only child, but thanks to the many cousins I have, I have adopted many as my siblings since we all grew up in the same household.
My dad would say to me "I don't understand how you are as heavy as you are and you are as picky as you are about the types of food you eat". Well I finally told him why last week. I said “Dad I secretly eat large quantities of food when no one is around. So that's why you would always see me with small amounts of food, I would wait until everyone is asleep before I go back for second and third helpings." This had become a normal way of life for me. I used to say this pattern worsened after my mom was killed in a tragic car accident, however now that I really dig which was hard to do, I realized I started this after my dad left me and my mom for another woman whom he married. Although my mom and I were very close, almost as sisters we talked about everything. I was a daddy's girl. So when he left us I was devastated. I was sent to live with my great aunt who was like a grandmother to me for a year down south in Alabama. A year later I returned back to Los Angeles and I would go to school solely to get into trouble so my dad and mom would be called to come to the school since my dad worked for the school board he was known in the region my school was in. In my little nine year old mind I was hoping they would get back together. To my dismay that never happened.
By age thirteen my great-aunt (who was more like a grandmother to me) died of breast cancer. That was very traumatic for me. This was the sweetest woman ever!! Three years later my mom was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver. I've also had several close cousins who were murdered at a young age in the years to follow close behind. This also was devastating.
Food became my best friend, confidant, and lover. I ate my way thru any pain I was feeling. I would eat normal, or what my family thought was normal size portions of food, then later on as stated earlier I would wait until everyone was asleep before I made my break to the kitchen to eat as much as I wanted. To my surprise I didn’t get scolded for my debaucherous behavior, instead it was encouraged, not on purpose. But my family way of showing love is not thru encouragement and sitting down talking to you and explaining that what I was doing was a slow process of suicide, instead everyone thought it was funny. Everyone knew that if they didn’t eat all their food it’s ok to give it to "Flek-bone" (my nickname). So I would sit there and patiently wait to see what each child would eat off their plate then I would go around the table and clean all the plates that were left with food in them. Now understand this was not how I got my food. I got my own serving like the rest; however I just continued to eat other's leftovers. No one would say anything, but, "It’s ok, she just lost her mother." I didn’t really get teased at school about my weight. All the torment was on the home front. Not only were the children calling me out of my name some of the adults were too. I was always “big fat this, or big fat ugly that”!
My mother would get on me about hiding food when I was younger. I remember going to the Doctor and at 15 I weighted 242. I remember my mom saying to me that if I continued eating this way I would be 300 pounds by time I graduated high school. I remember thinking I didn’t want to be that big. (Like 242 at 15 wasn’t big enough!!) So I slowed down some and participated in the marching band and that paid off, however I still had a secret love affair with food. This continued for years to come.
I married this young man who was my high school crush. We were the best of friends in high school. He was two grades ahead of me so when he graduated he went to the army. During his training we kept in touch, we were closely knit. But when it was time for Xmas break he didn’t come and visit as promised, instead I received a belated xmas gift after xmas break from his friend in his neighborhood. There was no contact between us for thirteen years. I registered online on this website to unite with old classmates because my 10 year class reunion was approaching. Unbeknownst to me he also was on this website. I had made my way back to Los Angeles at this time. I was so shocked as well as overjoyed to have received an email from him. However overtime we became acquainted and seven months we were both in love and I moved from Los Angeles to Mississippi to be with him, we were married two months later in January of 2003. Those were five difficult years for me, however, that union ended in divorce. He told me he didn’t love me anymore and wanted to leave. He ended up marrying someone else shortly after our divorce with a baby on the way.
I kept the same momentum with my lover food. We never missed a step in our affair. My marriage was over and all I could turn to for physical satisfaction was food. I did turn to God, but food had the stronger pull. God still stayed with me and pulled me thru what at the time was a nightmare for me. Little did I know this would be a blessing in disguise!!!
Old habits don't die young. I still continued to eat, eat, and eat the weight piled on. My highest weight was 412.6 I managed to get down to 371. From there I went down to 350. Then 12/1/2010 I weighed in at 366.9. I proceeded to lose 62 pounds in the next 4 months only to have put back on 30 of those pounds. I have currently lost 28 of the pounds I've gained. Glory be to God!!
I have been in numerous nutrition classes and you would think I have this under control. I'm able to do diet plans for other people, but I’m unable to follow myself. The old cliché is true.