Because we float... 6 Month Post-op

Jul 18, 2012


So I had this plan in the back of my head. I wanted to reach Onderland by the time I hit my 6 month post-op anniversary date. And although that hasn’t happened, I wouldn’t say it was for a lack of wanting it bad enough. No, I definitely wouldn’t say that.
Tomorrow I am officially 6 months post-op. I am down 88.6 lbs. I am 6lbs away from Onderland…which I realize ain’t too shabby in the grand scheme of things. And although I know I should be celebrating my accomplishments thus far and reflecting on my future goals with confidence and eagerness to keep going strong, I’m really just doing my best to pull my head out of my ass.
If you’ve been paying attention to my numbers lately, then you would notice that I gained 1.2lbs from the week before. This is the first time I have ever gained in an overall week of post op WLS.  And trust me it sucks. It’s a major head trip. Gains are unacceptable.
I've been biking & running my ass off!
And before you start to reject my line of thinking, I already know that in my last post I admitted that muscles weigh more than fat and bla bla bla and I have definitely been working on developing my muscles with all the biking and running, but regardless of what is logical – the emotional effect of gaining weight last week is just a few notches below devastating.
Because of course I am not completely devastated... I mean C’mon…what kind of light-weight (pardon the pun) warrior gives up at the first sign of trouble? Not me. It’s not who wins the battle, but the war.  Nevertheless, I think it would be negligent of me to ignore how much of an impact gaining has had on my emotional well-being.
Got Headaches?
I suppose you could argue that it’s all about perspective. Sometime in the last 7 days, and I suspect not-so-coincidentally when my headache began, I started to get really disappointed and a little depressed with the scale not moving. Again, I had been putting so much pressure on myself to achieve this goal of Onderland, now I concede that this wasn’t really the good kind of pressure. Sometimes if you add pressure to yourself, the good kind, it helps motivate you to either work harder or continue and stay the course. I think I was putting the bad kind of pressure on myself, where I just made my head spin (like Linda Blair in the exorcist) and then my momentum derailed.
And all the while, lest we forget, I am suffering with this headache that just won’t abate.  I’ve noticed these headaches come each month about the same time that my phantom period arrives. I still have ovaries (and therefore hormones) despite being sans uterus. So I still seem to experience all the carby & chocolatey cravings and emotional upheavals without the actual physical act of menstruating. Oh well, I know it’s still a better deal than having an actual period. Nevertheless, just like the days before my hysterectomy, I still get wicked headaches with my phantom period. I suppose with hormones still going wonky due to that, plus the hormonal changes that result with weight-loss, I’d say it’s inevitable that for the foreseeable future these headaches are going to be my fate. Better get used to them, or find a better way to deal with it.
Headaches = Extra strength Tylenol. It’s my Go-To in the arsenal, and a lot of the times it helps me to achieve a level of pain that is bearable and I can work through. On days where it isn’t enough, I go to the stronger doctor prescribed medication. The problem is both of these solutions have a significant effect on my digestive system. Translation: Makes pooping a problem. So I really hate using the pills unless it’s absolutely necessary.
Well, for the last few days the drugs have been more than necessary! And, of course my mood is still in the dumps. Then again to be fair, I don’t know many people who run around with shit-eating grins when they are suffering from a headache from hell, but still. I know in my heart of hearts…if I am being real and true to myself…that beneath the incessant pounding that is my cranium right now, I am disappointed with the result of last week’s efforts. I’m sulking, a little depressed and admittedly in serious need of a proverbial boot in the ass.  Or am I?
I mean what’s with the drill sergeant routine? Maybe I need to take a little break from the nazi-like pressure I put on myself to achieve these WLS goals, and just recognize that this is my first true stall or blip on the radar and it is OK. It is normal. Weight goes up and down on this journey; I hear that from many post-op WLS patients all the time. It’s OK. Maybe what I really need to do is stop being so damn tough on myself all the damn time.
After all, what the hell did I expect????
I think it’s time I gave myself a reality check. It’s time to reexamine my expectations of myself, and this post-op journey. And to err on the side of caution, perhaps I should sift these expectations through the good old “common sense” filter to see what makes it through.
For example, I can’t honestly say that I didn’t expect to encounter a stall at some point on this journey.  I mean the fact that it hasn’t come until now is probably its own little miracle in itself.  How ironic mind you, that of all times my body decides to “take a break” on this journey, it does so just shy of Onderland. Seriously! I would’ve been fine with the stall arriving 6 pounds from now. Lol. But that’s how the low-carb-sugar-free cookie crumbles I guess.  I can totally hear Alannis Morrissette singing “Ironic” in the back of my head right now.
Also, the closer you get to your goal, the little bit tougher it gets to achieve. In the beginning it seems that the more weight you have to lose, the quicker it seems to drop. But I’m more than half way to my goal now, and I have less than 40lbs to go. Did I really think that last 40 were going to drop off as easily as the first 40? No. I didn’t.
In a way, I think I’ve had it easy up to this point. The weight has consistently dropped off. I’ve had no major complications and no major food intolerances. My vitamin and mineral levels have been optimal all the way through. I really have no excuses, and consequently no reasons to complain or be discouraged. That is the bottom line. All that is really happening to me, is a bad week. Nothing  more.
Queue inner dialogue...
Be your own Drill Sargeant.
Inner Drill Sargeant: "So are we giving up now FatGirl?" Me: "No..." Inner Drill Sargeant: "Well then, Suck it up Buttercup! You're made of tougher stuff than this!" Me: J   Inner Drill Sargeant: "You got this Not-so-FatGirl! Now keep going!"

And in case my inner drill sergeant takes a nap or unexpectedly goes on hiatus, I have a 4 step plan B approach to reinvigorate my resolve. It’s always good to have a plan B. Mine is sort of a recap of just how far I’ve come in 6 months. Perspective, amidst the murky waters that has been my mood lately, I suspect this could be the beacon I was subconsciously searching for.
Step 1: Stand in front of the mirror and really look at what you have done. If what you see doesn’t put a smile on your face, then pull out the pre-op photos – stare at them for 2 full minutes, and repeat step 1. If a smile occurs, congratulations and proceed to step 2.
Step 2: Review the stats on your weight loss tracking chart, numbers don’t lie. Remember a time, not so long ago, when you would’ve made a deal with the devil just to be at the weight you are right now? This IS a big deal. That desperation you used to feel, never forget it, for it will always be the benchmark for how far you’ve come.
Step 3: Make a mental list of your NSV’s to date. It’s ridonculous! You don’t have enough ink in your pen to write them all down. For example, you’re a runner! Can you friggin’ believe that? You got up at 5am last week, on purpose, just to go running. That is mind blowing and you know it. Isn’t every single one of these accomplishments so completely worth it? You already know that answer to that.
Step 4:  Repeat steps 1-3 until you have successfully removed your cranium from your rectum, because you are so much more than this funk you are in. And deep down you know it.  You’ve never been a quitter, and you never will be.  You’ve worked hard all your life for many things, and you’ve often succeeded despite your inner doubts…this time shall be no different.
And for God’s sakes girl… 
don’t you know by now, you can’t keep a good FatGirl down???
Because we float!
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A girl that I used to know...

Jun 30, 2012

These are the are the most horrible pictures of myself, that I have ever known to exist. I decided that since I've been a little mopey this week about my progress, that I needed a reminder of just how far I have come.

Just seeing these photos make me want to cry... for a girl that I used to know...


 


And this is a picture of me from last night...
I have to remind myself that for every bad day I may experience, there are SO MANY MORE GOOD ONES! 
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Only 99.4lbs until I reach my goal? WoW!

Jan 29, 2012

 As of today I have lost 29.6lbs, and I am pretty happy with that. It's early on and I am only entering week 2 of my two of my post-op recovery, but I find the loss so far to be rewarding and encouraging. 

Right now it feels like I am barely eating enough. I
 am following the clinic's instructions diligently and accurately. When I track my "intake" on myfitnesspal.com I can see that I am only consuming about 560 calories a day...which I know isn't a whole hell of a lot... but it also makes sense in a way, because this stage is about slowly building up to increased volumes of food without stretching the pouch.

I call my pouch Mini-me, and while that is a little geeky and funny at the same time, I don't care - because Mini-me and me (Ok, that sounds so weird) have a lot of work to do in the next 6 months. I read somewhere that the first 6 months after WLS are the also referred to as the Golden Opportunity...because those first 6 are going to foreshadow your final outcome...in those first 6 months you will lose half of the total weight you body will lose with this procedure.

That's why the first 6 months are so important, healing and introducing exercise and recognizing derailing habits that you must learn to handle in order to be successful.

Yup, Me and Mini-me have a lot of work to do....

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joie de vivre

Dec 11, 2011

So I am driving home after an irritating experience in the grocery store and subsequently the parking lot, where I am marveling at how some people seem to think that because they are in a hurry ~ acting like inconsiderate @ssholes is somehow justified. Pet Peeve: people leaving their shopping carts at the checkout, or in parking spaces instead of taking the extra 30 seconds to walk them over to the cart corral. Are any of us really in that much of a hurry?? If you just answered “Yes”, then my response to you is: Ask someone to buy you books on Time Management for Christmas. 

  Anyway, I’m driving along feeling slightly irritated with the general population and eager to get the hell home. I am listening to Sirius satellite radio, Hits 1 channel and the song Red Solo Cup by Toby Keith came on. If you haven’t heard this little ditty, please click on this link  
http://youtu.be/BKZqGJONH68  and have a giggle, because honestly… it made my day. I was laughing and singing the rest of the way home, and part of me wanted to stop and by some red solo cups! (Yeah, I’m not affected by media and marketing at all! Pffft! Lol) Side bar: Can you imagine how much that song has influenced millions of people to buy these planet polluting plastic cups for holiday parties! That is both amazing and terrifying if you think about it. 

  So after the song was over and I was thoroughly cheered up, it left me to think on the rest of my drive home. I hadn’t realized how much I had needed that extra lift in spirits, until after the fact. And why is that? 

  Yesterday, I sat on my sofa and watched as my small town got together and conducted a small Santa Claus Parade right down Main street, passing right in front of my house. And considering the size of this little community of approximately 2,600, I thought it was pretty impressive production.  But instead of watching it pass by, I wondered why I wasn’t out there with the rest of the town’s people on the side of the street laughing and smiling with the kids. Honestly, what was keeping me from doing that? 

  Between the parade yesterday, and the negative energy I was vibin’ on earlier today, I decided that I really needed to assess the source of my displeasure…or if nothing else, recognize and be cognizant of it. 

  I know what you’re thinking – based on my last couple posts you are probably thinking h o r m o n e s. While I don’t discredit the power of their influence, I have to be honest and say No – I don’t think that’s what it was. 

  If I am being honest with you and myself, I think the reason I sometimes watch my life parade right on by me is that deep down I am so unhappy with myself, with my weight.  I think at times, the negativity bubbles up from the depths of my dejected heart that I project this onto other people…like strangers who cut me off on the highway, or ignorant inconsiderate people who take up the entire aisle with their shopping carts and body, thereby blocking you from being able to pass. Is this a pet peeve? Yes. Is it a valid reason to meltdown and lose yer shit? No. The fact that I even allow small stuff like this to get to me is actually more telling of my own problems, than anything else. 

  At some point you have to grow up and stop blaming the world for your problems, ya know?
  I can’t help but realize that I never used to be such a homebody either. I use to enjoy going out and being with/visiting friends.  Now, I avoid going out. I avoid seeing old friends and acquaintances…my first thought is “ya right, like I want to go out and let them see me like this! And what would I even wear? Gawd!”  Na…I’d rather read a book, have a bubble bath and stay home. While I genuinely enjoy those things, I think it is sad that I use them as excuses to avoid social situations. And that is why it concerns me… I think subconsciously I have sequestered myself from my own life. 

  But hey, the first step to resolving a problem is identifying it.
  To avoid an exaggeration, I want to clarify that I actually do go out and see family and friends from time to time, but not nearly as often as I used to. I would say a little less than once a month I am actually out there, and usually it is some form of a get together with family….friends are less often. 

  OMG. Whoa! I don’t want you to read this and think that my plan to fix my anti-social dilemma is surgery. Oh crap no. That’s sort of funny actually. What’s next, a lobotomy for my mood swings? LOL 

  No no no. I am not expected WLS to make me more social again. I am expecting that with time I will start to regain my self-confidence, and as a happy by-product of that I will want to go out more. I am expecting that joie de vivre to put a little more bounce in my step and from that the possibilities are endless.  

  WLS is about more than just eating differently. It’s about a change in lifestyle. It’s about being more active and i n t e r a c t i v e, on top of the healthier food choices. So I think it is a realistic expectation to think that as I whittle down to the Real Me, underneath these fluffy layers, that my social life will actually improve. 

  I am not sitting in this chair writing this blog pining for a more satisfying social calendar. Not in the least. But I do hope, as I continue down this WLS journey, that I find myself more forgiving of my flaws. That’s a big goal I have. I also hope that I find myself have more positive days, than negative ones…that minor irritants I encounter don’t become game changers in my day. 
 
Most importantly, I want to like myself again...maybe even love myself again. Self-acceptance is another big goal. That goal is more important to me, than any number on any scale.
  I can’t wait until next Christmas… I can only imagine how far I will be on my journey! The place I imagine I will be is a much happier place with myself. Next year, no room in my heart for the bah humbug blues! 

  But why wait that long to be happy? Ha! Good Question! For now, I will just accept myself as a bonafide work-in-progress and see if I can’t muster up a little joie de vie for the holidays…especially since effective today I am finally finished my Christmas shopping!!! 
 
So everybody raise up
your red solo cup,
and take a drink with me,
as I find me a little joi de vie

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sausage fingers...LOL

Oct 26, 2011

Ever have one of those days….where you feel soooo fat. The kind of day when you look down at your fingers and think to yourself….man, even my fingers are fat! (The look like little breakfast sausages attached to my hand.LMAO). A glance in the mirror reveals more chins than a Tokyo phonebook. J That is how my morning started today. Nothing fits quite right…(but then again, it hasn’t for a long time.) I am currently at the highest weight I have ever been in my life…and sometimes it’s emotionally crushing to acknowledge your reality.

 

I realized a while ago, how much I am letting life pass me by. I never organize girls-night with my girlfriend’s anymore. (It’s been years!) I haven’t gone to a work related Christmas party for at least 5. I avoid social engagements now, unless they’re mandatory – like weddings and funerals. I have, over the past few years, given up on having fun.

 

I have sort of retreated/sequestered myself to a life of solitude with Sean and my dogs. Thankfully, I love him very much and we make each other happy – but I often wonder what happened to that girl who sort of loved her life and enjoyed the busyness of it.

 

That is one reason, (and there are many), why I am doing this.

 

I miss me.

 

I am so grateful to be in this program right now, because it has given me something very important back – HOPE.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hope the weight will disappear… that’s not what I mean at all. That will come, along with my hard work and dedication to a new life.

 

What I mean is – Hope, like without this new found sense of hope for a better future, I really don’t know where I would be. I feel like I gave up on myself a long time ago, and ever since my doctor and I first discussed this surgery (his idea/suggestion) I have had HOPE again.

 

So when I am post-op, and struggling to get in my protein and water…. I am going to reflect back on this post and acknowledge that no matter what challenges I am facing, it feels pretty damn good to have FAITH in myself again.

 

By the way, FAITH is what HOPE turns into --- when you are finally joining the fight for your happiness...and health.

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Thank you!

Sep 25, 2011

Recently I've picked up a lot of traffic on my blog from the wonderful people on this website, and I just wanted to say thank you to those who stop in and read it. It's the first blog I have ever written, and if nothing else - it is making me laugh a lot as I write it! :) Not to mention a great place for me to reflect on my goals. Thanks for reading friends!

www.fatgirlchangingherworld.blogspot.com

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A bloggin fool...

Sep 05, 2011

I won't be using this particular function of th OH website too much, as I already have a blog started on another site...and I prefer the set-up and tools on that site vs this one.

My blog site is: fatgirlchangingherworld.blogspot.com/.

I have always found writing therapeutic...and I plan to blog about my journey through this life changing experience. My goal is to be as real as possible with myself, and others...about the process...and if other's enjoying reading my quirky tales, then that's just a bonus!

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About Me
Sudbury, Ontario,
Location
27.3
BMI
RNY
Surgery
01/19/2012
Surgery Date
Sep 04, 2011
Member Since

Friends 66

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