RIP My Enemy

Jan 26, 2013

 - I'm copying and repasting from a WordPress blog that I have at ChubbyU.com

 

Today is Day 7 since my gastric sleeve surgery.  I travelled to Mexico to have it done because although it's covered by my provincial health organization, the waiting lists are just too long.  At 42, and finally deciding that I am ready to go for it, I didn't want to have to wait several more years.

As part of the surgery, they removed the part of the stomach responsible for producing the ghrelin hormone, which is also know as the hunger hormone.  Apparently now I'm not hungry.  So if I'm not hungry, why am I so food obsessed?

For two full days before surgery I was restricted to liquids only.  I had protein shakes, soups, juice, and that's about it.  I.  Was.  STARVING.  Physically my tummy hurt and made loud rumbling sounds and I felt light headed.  It didn't help that one of those days was a travel day from Winnipeg to San Diego with a three-hour stopover in Minneapolis.  Talk about being surrounded by food!  And I couldn't have anything but liquids.  Luckily I managed to find a pot of tomato soup, which just so happens to be one of my favourite foods in the world.

Last Wednesday was my surgery date.  The procedure went well and I am recovering nicely with no complications.  I'm back home and even back at work.  I teach music so my job is not super demanding in the physical sense, although keeping the energy high is a bit challenging.  I am restricted to a liquid diet for the first three weeks, one of those already under my belt.  I'm finding that I'm still obsessing about food.  What can I have?  What is the protein count?  Am I getting dehydrated?  What can I eat that is delicious yet healthy, and oh yes, LIQUID?

Being day 7, today was the day that I was allowed coffee.  I don't remember much else about what the doctor said regarding reintroductions of most other foods and have to check the papers often, but I DID remember that today is coffee day.  I hit Tim Horton's, ordered a small coffee with one milk, one sweetener, took off the lid, and just smelled that glorious aroma for a minute.  When I'd had my fill of that, I gingerly brought the steaming cup to my lips, closed my eyes, and took that first tiny sip.  WHOA!!  It was AWFUL!  Something was wrong with this coffee!  I tried a few more tastes over the next few minutes, and by the final sip, I was done.  I had my son taste it, and he said it was just like any other Timmie's coffee he'd had - delicious.  I almost felt like crying. Why did my taste buds change like that?

The inside of my mouth feels funny.  It tastes funny.  I'm brushing my teeth a lot because I'm not sure if it's noticeable to others.  My morning protein shake, which I LOVED for the past two months, is now gritty and gross to me.  I had some Campbell's tomato soup today, and thankfully, it was good.

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Also, why do I feel like I've lost a friend?  Could it be because food was always there for me, in times of sadness and in times of celebration, in times of catching up with friends?  As I think back, my whole life has revolved around food.  Getting together with a friend means go to a great restaurant for a yummy lunch.  During my day of teaching I neglected to schedule meal breaks and found myself grabbing a handful of whatever I could find just to tide me over, or go completely nuts at the end of the day, which more often than not is 7:30 PM or later, eating everything in sight.  I love to cook, and I think that while I cooked I probably "sampled" as much as an entire meal serving size at times.  I remember feeling euphoric as I went through the day thinking, "Mmmmm....I bought chips and dip today.  Tonight is going to be the best night ever."  And when something like that pops into my head now, it's more like thinking about a loved one that is no longer in my life, and I've actually been in tears more than once.

So yes, the physical hunger may have been removed, but post surgery, I am amazed by the force of which the fact that psychologically the hunger remains hits me alongside the head.  And THAT it what put me in this predicament.  Other than when I was doing only liquids pre-op, I don't remember the last time I was actually hungry.  Merely the thought of food puts me into a state of "gotta have it."

And now the light has come on.  I am a food addict.  It's never been about fuelling the body or about nutrition.  It's been about dependence on a feeling that eating certain foods has provided for me.  It made me FEEL good.  Now that I am physically unable to handle solid foods, at least for the next two weeks, it makes me want that feeling more than ever.  If I were to eat something solid at this moment, I would get very ill, be in a LOT of pain, and it would cause complications to my surgery.  Needless to say, I'm not going to chance it.  THAT is what this surgery has given me.  It's merely a tool used to restrict.  It's not going to magically make me skinny.  It's going to limit how much I can ingest, and by the removal of that hormone producing area, it could even help me not crave high calorie foods.  Now THAT is exciting.

I have to remember that I spent my entire life never depriving myself of any type of food, except for the several short lived attempts to "diet."

I don't know the number of Big Macs, french fries, potato chips, and candy that went into my body, but it was a lot.  The crappy physical aftereffects 0f all that junk as well as the intense mental guilt that I felt after any of these binges is still so fresh.  Why should I mourn that?  This garbage wasn't my friend!  It was my enemy!  And I've had enough of it.  I can't say that I will only put healthy things into my body from now on and that I'll never stumble, but I will say right here and now that I am sure going to try my best.I know someone who had this surgery in 2003, lost almost 400 pounds, and can honestly say that he has never put another potato chip into his body since then.  Not a single one.  A normal night of TV watching used to include either 2 boxes or 2 family sized bags of chips depending on the brand, a 500ml container of full fat sour cream with onion soup mix, and 6 or 7 chocolate bars.  I know this because I did it right along side him when we were married.  And although he is my ex-husband, he is still a big inspiration to me in this journey.So for now I am on the quest for delicious, nutritious soups, at least for the next two weeks.  I've even put the word out on my Facebook page and received a ton of great recipes that I'm excited to try.  I just hope coffee will not continue to gross me out.

And maybe there's some truth to that hormone being responsible for junk food cravings because I find that I'm not craving the bad PoachEgg2foods.  I REALLY would like a poached egg with a runny yolk.  I'd also like some lean steak and a salad with cherry tomatoes and green onion.  A slice of tomato with some balsamic vinegar drizzled on it. A not quite yellow banana. Peppers and onions. Chicken breast with some tomato sauce. An orange...

I can't wait to see what I'm capable of....

 

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About Me
Winnipeg, MB
Location
30.6
BMI
VSG
Surgery
01/16/2013
Surgery Date
Apr 24, 2012
Member Since

Before & After
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I have lost 125 pounds to date.

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