findingaweigh

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I go on for my second fill this week .  For anyone who may read this I am being honest and not sugar coating this.  Bandster Hell is real.  This is what I have found.. I am dieting - on my own with no tool in place-- so my old habits kick in "just one more bite or  piece".. I have maintained my weight loss -- going up and down for the last two months.  I have become frustrated and cried.  I wonder what the hell did I just do or pay for out of my families pocket.  Iwent back to work to pay for this and I have nothing.  Shitty attitude right ?  But, it is real.  Yes I am frustrated and a little discouraged.  I hope I can be one that hits her sweet spot sooner than later for my own sanity :) Until then I will force myself to just try and follow the rules ....

yep thats all I got right now

I feel a lot better now --- yesterday ( surgery day) the anesthia kicked my ass...but my wounds look great and I feel so much better .. walked around alot today and worked out some gas pains.. I had a few things to eat/ drink today with no problems .. cream of wheat, SF popsicle, sugar free vanilla pudding and runny mashed potatoes for dinner ..drank a lotof water ..so so far so good :)  I will post my dreaded day before surgery pics soon --they are sooooo real -- I just never wanted to see myself like that -- oh well greener pastures ahead :)

 George Eliot wrote "It is never too late to be what you might have been" Love this  quote !!!

I was laying in bed last night thinking of all the wonderful things that I will allow to happen to me when I begin to feel better and look better.. I got nervous too because what if I lose the weight and don't feel better about me.. once again it is our old friend self doubt creeping in !!!  I feel like I missed out on so many years and it makes me sad, but then I saw this quote I said I need to change my perspective .. so that is my goal -- to change my perspective and outlook on me !!!

I lost 9 lbs ( according to my scale)  I am so excited ... I missed our good friends wedding festivities this weekend and it killed me but I know it was for the best ... I am 1 week away from meeting my new best friend ..I don't know what to call her or him yet .. here are some contenders so far:

Ruby
Sweetie
Slim
Bo

I fought off a few mind hunger thoughts .. which I was very proud of .. I had a raging headache at 2 in the morning .. I dont think I had enough water .. so I will double my intake today ...1 day closer .. my husband is so enocuraging and such a great cheerleader ..and my little girl gives me extra hugs so it makes it a lot easier ;)

I posted on the boards about my rollercoaster of emotions lately ..I know I am making the right decision -- I have had so many years and years of defeat and excuses .  I deserve this.  I am so excited and very committed -- I do get the feelings of self doubt creeping in ..but I am trying to occupy myself with somethig positive when I feel those.  I have talked with some great people here -- I find comfort onthis board !! wish my luck tomorrow -- I will update when I get home ;)

Amy

September 15th ..wooo hoooo

The staff at journeylite are amazing!!! I felt so comfortable and am so ready to make this journey !!! I am on cloud 9 right now ;)

Amy

Well it is right around the corner --  I am so excited .  I still have moments of what am I doing spending this money on myself - how selfish.  My husband Matt is amazing .. he told me that it would be almsot selfish not to do this because I would be robbingmyself and our family of time and happy memories with me.. What an answer ..so I am deserving and worth this and so are my family and friends..

I can not wait to wear clothes that are not bedazzled to death, because clothes makers glitter up all fat girl clothes -- to make us feel warm and fuzzy I guess ;) NOT WORKING !!

Cross my legs and be comfortable

wipe my ass without feeling like every muscle in my body is going to stretch to death LOL ..maybe TMI ..but it is so true -- you all know it !!

wear cute clothes

run with my daughter, go on rides and in the pool with her

have someone hug me and not pull away because I am embarrassed of my rolls

Well I a need to vaccuum ..so until next post Happy weight loss fellow banders;)

I have been away from God for a very long time .. I lost my faith.  But he finds ways to find you again ...  I attended bible study and church for the first time last Sunday.. I needed it .. I felt amazing after.  I have recommitted myself to discovering my faith again...I know this journey will take faith and hope. During all of these years of my struggleswith weight and during very dark moments I turned my back on the person that could help me the most..I feel great to have opened my heart again :)