One Year Anniversary Post Surgery
Sep 01, 2010
Its hard to believe that a year has past already since my GBS and I am truly blessed. As of today I am 236 and is in best shape I have ever been in- ever...I remember when I first started this journey...I thought I would never get here and after months of determination and patience I am able to sit here and type my post surgery anniversary testimony. I have to admit, I have had a lot of good days and a lot of bed emotional days after surgery. I have been dealing with a lot of emotional issues head on that I used to bury away with food and facing it head on has been a big challenge....No one said it was going to be easy before or after surgery...I still have my cravings, mentally I still have these eating habits that I am trying to get away from...I am staying focus to working out (maybe a little to much) and it has become apart of my everyday life....I can now fly up flights of stairs without being out of breath..I can sit down and have room in a normal chair, I can get on a plane and use the seatbelt without the extender, I can cross my legs, I canwrap a normal size towel around my body, clothes are falling off of me and not doing the opposite...I haven't yet tried going to Victoria Secret, but will soon...I have more energy than ever, do a lot more smiling and walking with my head held high..I actually have a waist..all I can say is YAHHHHH!!!!!!
I am still trying to get used to all the compliments coming from people that haven't seen me in a long time ...Yesterday, while I was at the grocery store, the cashier lady stopped and said " OH my goodness, what are you doing?" I looked at her all confused and said " what do you mean?" She was like, " you look great! you have lost a lot weight!" I find myself giggling and smiling like a school girl and said, " thanks, I am doing a lot of working out" She smiled and say, " Well keep up the good work!!" It feels good!!! I wouldn't change a thing with this experience because it has shown me just how strong of a person that I am
Happy Birthday to me!!!! Happy Birthday to me!!!
Apr 25, 2010
Well I am going to enjoy the rest of my day and will check back in later!!!!!
6 months Anniversary....A lot of thoughts running in my head
Feb 04, 2010
Lately, I just have been feeling so fustrated and stuck with things. I feel stuck in my personal life, with my job, finance wise, and just emotionally. I have all these plans and goals that I want to start working on, but lately I have been feeling so fustrated and it has been driving me nuts. I have been thinking about seeing a head shrink to see if they can help to to sort everything out, but the one I picked is clear accross town. I wanted one close by so I can have evening appts, but shoot now I have to fight with traffic and plan accodingly to see the head shrink. I could talk to my friends about what has been bothering me, but lets face I truely don't think they understand how I am feeling right now and if they do its only do an extent. I am not trying to hear the positive bull shit that friends say and act like they are listening but really not...I need someone to help me cope with everything and get down to the bottom of my problem...I just can't seem to do that...I have been going out, but not as much b/c my finaces aren't the best...I feel more confident when I do go out, but lets be real I am ready to start dating. I am not trying to go out to search for a man...I would like for guys to approach me and get a few numbers....this being celibant for 7 years is really starting to get to me. I am so tired of hearing about sex from the tv, friends, and songs....I am so sex deprieved thats it driving me mad. What I do turely miss is just a male companionship...and at times I feel like my ass is going to be single for the rest of my life. I am so desperately trying to get over the one guy I just can't seem to kick..but its so hard...it does help that we barely speak like we used to but, i do miss it. I want so much more..I want to start dating...I hate the fact that "our friendship" is not a real friendship and ready to wake up and not think about him...I am not as mad or hurt as I used to be over him, but it still hurts that he doesn't want me and treats me the way that he does...I shouldn't be worried about his ass b/c he clearly is not worried about me at all. I am pissed right now because I have been trying to reach him for the past three weeks but he can't seem to call back...No I haven't been blowing up his phone but just calling to chat and he has yet to call back...he did call me last week, but I didn't answer b/c he didn't answer when I bothered to call him. This dude used to blowup myphone in the past and call me like clock work and at that moment it felt good to have someone call as much as he did and now I barely get any attention from him..I think back to when I couldn't contact him for a month and come to find out that his ass was locked up and didn't have the respect to tell me that he was going to be locked up for a month....At that moment I knew that this was not a friendship at all....I just don't know why I have this crazy obession over him...maybe because right now no man has paid me any mind or has caught my attention long enough to stop contacting this dude for good. I have been waning to confront his ass about my feelings and tell him to just leave me along, but then I think its not even worth it again..he probably will turn it all around on me and make it seem like none of this is his fault...I am still kind of bitter other this situation...I am embarassed that I have let this go on for far too long, but I am afriad to let go...I am afriad its going to hurt more than ever...but I just can't keep living like this or feeling this way. Its like when I get mad enough to cut him off and out of my life...he must know and try and crawl back.....I just wish I never met him....wish I never experience the hearache and disappointment over him...I have probably missed out on some many thing by wasting my time over him....I just want to SCREAM!!!!! Good, I got this out my system....now I can go about my day.
Happy New Years!!
Jan 03, 2010
When New Years came I got a nice phone call from my one friend that I was super surprised to hear from. Of all the 7/8 years I have known him he never blew up my phone during the holidays.... Although it was sweet, I am not pressed about it and going to keep it moving. For 2010 I am all about doing me and not worrying about these men that won't make time....I am all about to continuing to lose my weight, getting a better social life, getting a new job making more money and enjoying life.
I met my new neice, which is so adorable and was able to spend time with my other nephews and neices. Was sad to leave on Saturday and now this morning I am sitting at work dreaming about the next time I will get a vacation...
On Sunday, I headed back to the gym with my personal trainer. The session was good and I was feeling good and was suprised that I was not all tired like I usually am after being off for a week...This chick that was there, half my size that was also off for a week, was beat and had to leave early...All I could was smile because I was glad that my endurance is improving so much...I am on my way...2010 is going to be a good year...I can just feel it.
Dec 17, 2009
Two days ago I had my 4 month post op visit with my Doc and that night before I had some crazy dreams about the scale...so when I got up that morning I walked on the treadmil to relieve some stress...well when I got there I had to wait about 20 minutes until I was called...When I got on the scale I was happy when their scale was only a pound difference...so their scale said 300.6...so when i talked to the Dr, he asked me if how I was doing and if I had any problems. I asked him if I was on the right track and he said 58 pounds since your surgery...I think you are doing great!!! So he also reminded me to continue eating right and exercising and it should continue to peel off...so you know I was happy as a bedbug....so this morning, I just couldn't help myself, but I got on the scale and it read 298.5....I wanted to jumped up and do a karate kick...lol I have not been in the 200's since I was a teenager...when I say I am truly blessed and happy that I am no longer in the 300s I am so dam happy!!!!! I don't have another Dr.'s visit until March and thenn he will let me let me know if I am getting the appropiate nutrients...So I am going back to weighing myself once a week and just keep doing what I am doing and try to remain positive...I feel great and starting to look even more fabulous than before!!!
Some Thoughts to Type Out.....
Dec 15, 2009
In just a few hours I have an appt with my Dr...and for some reason I am nervous as hell. I have been for the most part following the rules, exercising, taking all my vitamins, and stuff....but I just hate getting weighed on their scale....my scale is the bomb b/c it finally has read that I have reached my first goal of weighing under 300 pounds, but then when I go to my Dr.'s office there scale will show differently.....of course their scale is atleast 5-7 pounds heavy and that just makes me mad....I have been working so hard before this surgery and after and just don't want to let myself down. Last night I started having all these nightmares about the Dr. office and woke up this morning wanted to hit the treadmil...My nerves have been shot lately....My train of thinking or dealing with issues has to be so different now that I have this surgery that sometimes has me fustrated....I told myself that I was going to work out like crazy like I did prior to the surgery, but I find myself working out to relieve some stress....When I come home from work...I am fustrated b/c of my job....then work out to keep from feeding my face....come home, shower, eat dinner, and pass out....Everything to me used to solved by shoving food in my mouth and now I have to find other outlets....Since my money has been funny, I really can't go out like I want to....and still trying to some type of social life...things have been kind of up and down...What I am going to do in 2010 is start going to those support groups atleast twice a month....it just sucks that its across town and traffic is crazy during the time it starts....but I think I need to be around folks that are going through the same thing I am going through....I try and talk to my friends about it, but they truly do not understand how I feel right now.....I am so blessed to have had this surgery, but I am still trying to work out the things that are going on inside of me...I look in the mirror and do see some changes, but think its not working like everyone who have had this....I always thought I was a pretty chick that was just a big girl up until the last few years when I really let myself go...at least in my eyes.....Right now I am trying to get my self esteem back in check...but its a battle everyday...I see the changes, I see the inches going away, scale's number decreasing, but in the mirror I still see this fat girl that never got asked out on a real date in a long long time, that got rejected by practically every boy that I liked, being called names and feeling like I was not good enough since I was a fat girl....It just sometimes takes a toll on me...I know I am good enough and just as fine as any skinny chick out there, but after years of being called names and being criticized...sometimes its just makes you a little bit more vunerable....you know..
I know one thing I wish I can just learn how to let go....of one thing inparticualr...I need to face the face that it will never be and just learn to let go...but its so hard...after you are used to having someone/something in your life for so long you tend to want to hold on no matter how bad the situation is or how its not doing abosutely nothing for you but causes you heartache and pain...I just pray that God gives me the strength to let go all the negativity, start living life, and learn to let go and realize that life is too short to linger on things that I do not have control over.
A Rainy Day Thought.....
Nov 10, 2009
Work is work....I went from a dept of 4 of us now down to two by the end of the month...I am just so burned out from my job and feel so unappriecated...I thank the Lord that I have a job, but just trying to find my purpose in life right now...
Still single....I really need to get out more and mix and mingle, but I am broke and not trying to spend anything money until after the new year....
I would be nice to have a date and be taken out sometime or another....its been so long that I probably would act like some desperate female that never interacted with a man....lol
Well let me go work out....
Venting Part 2: Things I Miss...
Oct 29, 2009
What I am missing:
Suasage Egg & Cheese Croisant from Burger King (I used to have two of them)
Daily e-mails from a certain someone
Greasy Hash Browns From Burger King
Daily Phone calls from a certain someone
10 peice Mild Wings from Taco Mac with Extra Blue Cheese
Being Hugged by a man
French Fries from any fast food place
Being kissed from a certain someone
Pepperoni Pizza from Pizza Hut (Cheese Lovers)
Getting my drink on with my friends
Bread Sticks (5 or more)
Sleeping in (just can't seem to do that anymore)
Philly Cheese Steak (From Philly of course)
Getting my grub on at resturants with my friends and eating until we can't move
Nachos (extra cheese and sour cream)
Fried Chicken (From my mom or from pop'peyes)
Cookies (chocolate Chips)
Greasy Chicken Cheesesteak from Dave & Busters
Talking on the phone all night with my crushes until one of us fell asleep
IHop Hashbrown skillet with side of pancakes
Living in Hawaii
Pancakes from Mcdonalds
Hanging out with my best friends when I used to live in PA
Chicken Fingers Platter from Gutheries
Laying on the beach enjoying the sun
Onion Rings from Bahamas Breeze
Endless Shrimp from Red Lobster
Cheese Biscuits from Red Lobster
Why is it I miss more food than moments/people...hmmmm
Venting Part 1
Oct 26, 2009
Last night I just felt lonely and got mad really mad went to bed mad and woke up in the middle of the night mad and upset...lately I have been focusing on my surgery and really haven't felt this way in a few months...so yesterday I got so mad that I have been single for sooo long..no boyfriend, no friends with benefits, no potentials...nothing...I am so mad that these chicken heads can walk around here with no moral values, home training, or goals and can get a man..and here I am single...I am just plain sick of it..
I am not trying to settle for less, but at times I start to double think things... I used to drown my feeling with food..but since the surgery I have to find other things to do.
I am a good woman and why are these guys such jerks...why are they only tryig to sleep with me and not put in the work..I am tired of these lazy, jacked up, dumb-ass men..
This sorry dude has been "supposely" trying to get with me for the longest, but he rather work all darn day and night than to take me out...but yet he is quick to try and come over to my crib and try to lay around...Nope...I nipped that in the bud years ago..I have been telling him that if he is not ready to be foreal than do not contact me...this dude keeps contacting me, but still wants to act the same way..so yesterday, I was chatting with him and he mentions how he wants to see me..I say well you still owe me a date...a date he has been promising for months...he just response...no doubt...so at that point I am like why am I still wasting my time with his crappy dude that odviously will not change...so I told him again..he wasn't ready to deal with a woman like me..and just left him alone...I am so done with him.. First off he has no type of conversation and I am tired of trying to pull one out of him...tired of his text, which thank goodness he has stopped texting me with dumbness! I really wanted to give him a chance b/c he was a guy with no kids, has a job, and seems like he got goal..but is a social retard when it comes to women. so I pray I never contact him or he contacts me again!!!
It just really bothers me from time to time that I have no love life..I realize that I am not the only one that is going thru this b/c I have several friends that are single..meaning no boyfriend, but yet have "friends"...
Then I started thinking that this is not where I want to be...as in my career...I have to start making moves b/c the place where I am at now is not a place I want to die at...I want to make more money and feel appreciated..I am tired of fighting with these darn reps about the same thing..tired of the BS...just plain fed up...
Just had to vent real quick
Its just so hard for me dealing with this surgery with my emotionals are every which way..I don't regret this surgery at all, but it just seems like my emotions are on overload lately..and its really hard for me to break this wall that I built when it comes to guys ever since I got my heart broken, but I guess I never fully got over it...I tell myself to just let it go and just forget about him, but I guess its hard because we still talk...not as often as we used to, but we still do talk. At times I want to just scream b.c how is it that I still love this man that does not feel the same about me. I have no one else to occupy me so that I can completely forget about him...
I am just tired of getting hurt over foolishness..I try to be nice, but men don't want that...try to be mean...but then I am too darn men...so I just step back and say I just don't care...so I close myself off...I just want a man to pamper me, freak me until I go to sleep, and then cook me something to eat...I want a man to kiss me like I am the only chick on earth...I really just want to be held...just let me cry in his arms as he hold me tight for as long as I want....thats what I miss...being held...the intimacy...haven't been held in a very long time...I am just tired of feeling invisible or that my feelings don't mean anything...
Getting Back To My Normal Routine...
Oct 13, 2009
Well, I went back Yesterday offical began my solid food phase and I am soo happy to be able to eat "normal" food. I have been meaning to plan my meals moving forward but have been loo lazy to do so. I did manage to have some mexican yesterday and it was so good. It felt so different ordering a quesidilla. I normally would pig out and order a whole bunch of stuff, but this time I did good. I just order a regular chicken quesidilla and some tortilla chips. When I got home I split the quesidilla in half and only took out a few chips. I ate it slow and enjoyed every bite of it. By the end of the meal I was full and satified.
Yesterday I also met back with my personal trainer that I haven't seen in about 6 weeks. By the end of the season I felt great. Granted, he probably took it easy on me, but I still did better than expected. We mainly did push up, crunches, and arm strengthen, but I felt myself moving around a little more briskfully. I decided to meet with him on 3x a week and am promising myself not to work myself to death like I did pre surgery. I was working out like 5-6 times a week with him and it was crazy...My goal is walk the days I don't meet with him during the weekday and relax on Saturday. My clothes are starting to fit differently, but still can not notice the weight lost. I still haven't weighed myself and won't weigh myself until my period is completely over...don't feel like dissapointing myself again.