6 months Anniversary....A lot of thoughts running in my head
Feb 04, 2010Wow, I can't believe 6 months is already here...sometimes it seems like yesterday when I had a surgery. Things physically have been going great, but I just have been dealing wiht a lot of stuff mentally. I am down about 64 pounds since the surgery and in total I have lost 116 pounds. I feel great and my clothes are starting to fall off of me. I have been trying to plan meals in advance so that I can eat healthier and things have been okay..I had my physical with my regular physician that hasn't seem me in 2 years. She was very proud of me for getting the surgery and was shocked to see how much weight I have lost. I felt like a fat cow since I was PMSing big time...but felt proud of myself though. For some strange reason my BP was up a little bit and thats wierd b/c I barely have any problems with my BP.. I have been getting used to eating out and have learned how to pace myself and ask for a doggy bag right away....I think I have trained my body when I am full and not over do it...I did get sick the beginning of this week..I only had 1/2 of an english muffin, 2 hand full of popcorn and 1/2 of popcsicle. I think the popscile is what did me over and got me sick. I still kick my habit of snacking on popcorn and chips, but try and limit myself... I am still working out faithfully...I think this is one habit I have learned to keep.
Lately, I just have been feeling so fustrated and stuck with things. I feel stuck in my personal life, with my job, finance wise, and just emotionally. I have all these plans and goals that I want to start working on, but lately I have been feeling so fustrated and it has been driving me nuts. I have been thinking about seeing a head shrink to see if they can help to to sort everything out, but the one I picked is clear accross town. I wanted one close by so I can have evening appts, but shoot now I have to fight with traffic and plan accodingly to see the head shrink. I could talk to my friends about what has been bothering me, but lets face I truely don't think they understand how I am feeling right now and if they do its only do an extent. I am not trying to hear the positive bull shit that friends say and act like they are listening but really not...I need someone to help me cope with everything and get down to the bottom of my problem...I just can't seem to do that...I have been going out, but not as much b/c my finaces aren't the best...I feel more confident when I do go out, but lets be real I am ready to start dating. I am not trying to go out to search for a man...I would like for guys to approach me and get a few numbers....this being celibant for 7 years is really starting to get to me. I am so tired of hearing about sex from the tv, friends, and songs....I am so sex deprieved thats it driving me mad. What I do turely miss is just a male companionship...and at times I feel like my ass is going to be single for the rest of my life. I am so desperately trying to get over the one guy I just can't seem to kick..but its so hard...it does help that we barely speak like we used to but, i do miss it. I want so much more..I want to start dating...I hate the fact that "our friendship" is not a real friendship and ready to wake up and not think about him...I am not as mad or hurt as I used to be over him, but it still hurts that he doesn't want me and treats me the way that he does...I shouldn't be worried about his ass b/c he clearly is not worried about me at all. I am pissed right now because I have been trying to reach him for the past three weeks but he can't seem to call back...No I haven't been blowing up his phone but just calling to chat and he has yet to call back...he did call me last week, but I didn't answer b/c he didn't answer when I bothered to call him. This dude used to blowup myphone in the past and call me like clock work and at that moment it felt good to have someone call as much as he did and now I barely get any attention from him..I think back to when I couldn't contact him for a month and come to find out that his ass was locked up and didn't have the respect to tell me that he was going to be locked up for a month....At that moment I knew that this was not a friendship at all....I just don't know why I have this crazy obession over him...maybe because right now no man has paid me any mind or has caught my attention long enough to stop contacting this dude for good. I have been waning to confront his ass about my feelings and tell him to just leave me along, but then I think its not even worth it again..he probably will turn it all around on me and make it seem like none of this is his fault...I am still kind of bitter other this situation...I am embarassed that I have let this go on for far too long, but I am afriad to let go...I am afriad its going to hurt more than ever...but I just can't keep living like this or feeling this way. Its like when I get mad enough to cut him off and out of my life...he must know and try and crawl back.....I just wish I never met him....wish I never experience the hearache and disappointment over him...I have probably missed out on some many thing by wasting my time over him....I just want to SCREAM!!!!! Good, I got this out my system....now I can go about my day.
Dec 15, 2006