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I have been loving this season so far...its something aobut fall that I love...it might be the beautiful weather during the day and cool nights where I can sleep with my windows open, the color changing leaves, the familar scent of fall in the air, or the pretty fall colors.  Right now I was thinking about its been a long long time since I had a crush or had a boo.  Man, I was sitting around the other day just thinking about I haven't had a crush or went crazy in love over some man  in a very long time.  I kinda miss the feeling of seeing his face, hearing his voice, missing the time that I am not talking with or being with them. I miss the nervousness I would get around my crush, the first kiss and what nots, the feeling of butterflies in my stomach when I would hear his name or pick up the phone and hear his voice.  Man, It has been a very long time.  Granted- I never really had a true boyfriend or relationship, but I have had crushes and I miss it.  I have been out of the dating game for a very long time and I am scared of how things are going to be in the near future. I have closed myself off for a long time when it came to guys b/c I was just tired of getting hurt all the time.  I was so tired of the one sided crushes and the I like you as "a friend" speech I would hear from my crushes.  I kind of kept a some dude here or there that I would deal with, but after a while it got to the point where I wanted better and disserve better.  Over the past two years, I have been focusing on self and even though I felt lonely, I kept telling myself that before any man could love me I have to learn to love myself.  Things are just so different right now and I see things so differently than when I did during my last crush.  I guess after a couple years, I still am getting over my heartache...I know for one thing, I will never chase after a man again....I will never make a man my proirity when I am marely just a choice to them....boy, I learned that lesson the hard way...I kind of had a feeling that my weight had something to do with the fact my crushes never wanted to be with me...even though they never came out and verbally said those words, deep down inside I knew that was a reason b/c I couldn't see why they didn't want to be with me...I am a good catch...but like I tell myself and my friends-"You can force no man to love you!" Boy I tried....really hard...lost myself while trying to get his attention...never again.... I just can't wait to find the one or just going out and dating.  This weather today just had me thinking about my old crush...those memories started to come back and even though things are different....those memories will never go away.

Friday night I experienced the worse gas pain in the world.  If was a different feeling from when I left the hospital and had gas from the surgery.  That kind of hurt but not as bad as what I went through last night.  If I didn't think I was lactose intolorant then I definately know now! For the past week I have been eating a lot of cheese, but have been taking some lactose intolorant pills to prevent any side events and hadn't had any problem until I forget to take a pill during lunch on firday.  Well my lunch experience kinda sucked becuase I had that stuck feeling for about 20 minutes at work. When that past I was fine until 3:00 came and the middle of my lower stomach started getting these shooting pains that was pretty intense.  After the pain then came the rumbling of gas in my stomach, but I just couldn't past any gas.  I ran to the bathrooom twice, but nothing would happen.  I was miserable.  That pain started coming every 2-4 minutes and would last for about 15 seconds.   I tried to sit and bare with it but after about an hour I couldn't take it and went home.  I was stuck in a little traffic with that pain and just had to stop at Rite Aid to get me some Gas-x.  When I rushed home that pain just wouldn't stop.  that constant gas pain made it hard for me to breathe or lay down.  I took the medicine and just had to wait until the pain stopped.  Told myself if the pain didn't stop by 6 then I was going to rush to the hospital.  I started dry heeving since the last time I ate was at 12:30pm.  I was wreck and all I could do was close my tearfilled eyes and pray for that pain to stop.  The pain finally stopped by 5:30 and by then I was exhausted and drained.  I jumped back into bed and called it an early night by 7.  I learned my lesson and I hope I never feel that pain again.

Last night, I could not sleep at all.  I am not sure if its because I had a nap earlier that day or b/c I am PMSing.  I jumped in the bed at 10:30pm and tried to watch some tv, but nothing good was on.  I turned it off and then tossed and turned for a few hours.  When I finally got to sleep I had to wake up to used the bathroom...well my bathroom visit took longer than expected and I have been up ever since.  I still have about a week and a half left before I go back to work and I am trying to get enough rest as I can, but between these cramps I have been having a hard time trying to do that.  Then my mind starting thinking about everything which made it even harder to go back to bed, so I just jumped on my laptop to clear my mind.  I think I am getting the case of cabin fever and can't wait to get out of the house today to get my hair done.  Since I finally got paid I think I am going pamper myself and keep myself busy.  My mom will be leaving in a few days to go stay with my brother and his wife who is about to have their second daughter in a few days and I am going to miss her.  All my family stay in either NC or PA and I see them maybe a few times a year....My mother has been a huge help and just going to miss her when she leaves so I am going to have to keep myself busy and stay out of trouble..lol