Pity Party and Competition!!! And more...

Nov 15, 2009

Rantings and Ramblings...I am sitting at the dining room table PISSED!!!! My life partner (8yrs)and I have taken on a baby, Aniya.  I love her very much...her real mom, which is my ex boyfriends daughter, is battling depression and other things and can't handle her right now.  My partner has never had children.  I have 3, ages  23, 17, and 12.  Never thought I would have another baby.  But Id rather have, Aniya ( the baby girl), than to see her abused.  Well anyway my partner is in school, she's laid off like so many others in Michigan.  I work from home.  My partner lost her 52 y/o brother Oct 27 and got behind on her school work.  He fell ill Oct 21, an aneurysm burst he had no health care had horrible headaches but was afraid of the bills:::we need national health care...back on subject now...so I cut back on working, took the major load of caring for Aniya, slept at the hospital with her, was at the hospital all day most days with her...I have two kids at home 17, 12..still had to show some symbolism of a motherhood to them.  Now his funeral was Oct 31, and her sister and I and now her neice are all chipping in and DOING the bulk of her homework.  Granted she missed two weeks of school. But even before that she asked me  to do some of her homework and I did.  I know everyone is different, but when I went back to college I had 12 credit hours, and full time job and had to do some mandatory overtime and had three kids...I had some small help with my kids from my now ex husband...divorced for what became of that...back on track...but every chance she gets I have the baby.  Now if I am going to be a SINGLE parent again then I will be SINGLE...then I don't have to see you everyday not doing or expecting you to do things...it just bugs the HELL out of me...I am sleepy can't take naps when I want while the baby is sleep because I have to help her with homework and she doesn't want to hear I am tired.  She will then think I just don't want to help her and she has just experienced an unexpected death...but I AM WIPED OUT!!!!....But her I am at 12:30 in the morning tap tap tapping away...WHY because there will be no other time to do it in peace without her looking over my shoulder seeing what Im doing on the computer, or talking to me while I'm doing something and I DO NOT DISTURB HER  when she's doing stuff on her computer...  BREATHE DEEPLY EXHALE...INHALE EXHALE REPEAT TILL CALM.....WOOOSAAAAHHH..

Eating and Such
While her brother was in the hospital I ate junk after junk after junk and gained several pounds...when i'm nervous or upset I EAT!!!! and watching someone pass made be both..on the other hand she didnt eat and lost a great deal...I didnt notice till after that it had become a competition...at least it seemed that way...once everything had calmed down and her appetite was back ( oh I had RNY 12/1/08 she had RNY 03/11/08) I had complained that I gained 7lbs and she lost about what I gained so it put us with in 10lbs difference in weight she wouldn't eat unless she saw me eat and at the moment that I stopped eatting so would she...maybe i'm paranoid or something or just tired from not getting enough sleep from having a 7 month old...we had her since she was 5 weeks.   My goal weight that my dr gave me was 144lbs and I want to be that by the time my year anniversary is here...like 2 weeks away 11lbs and I really blew today...just irritated with all that I stated above and what do I do EAT!!!!  But I logged on here and read other ppls stories and where they were in a yr and some made it to goal b4 and yr and some after so why is it such a big deal to me, for me to be 144 on the scale at my drs ofc...i dont know but I can feel the anxiousness welling up inside me as I think about it...I think I want him to be PROUD of me...that's strikingly odd to me to type that because I didn't think of that until it was being typed...but its true...Well tomorrow is a new day and I'll just jump back on that horse tomorrow start a fresh day with a new attitude if I can get some sleep...lol.
I also think I am using my partner as competition...I am so proud of her weight loss and she looks great and ppl tell her that all the time...alot of her family and friends saw her at her brothers services.  I was beaming because ppl never thought she could do it...SHE DID Na na nana nah...But she is competitve so it makes me competive cause she will mention I lost all my weight sooner than you or something...but as I sit her does it make a difference as long as we both lost it...OTHER THAN THE FACT I JUST DON"T WANT TO F'g hear it...chuckle...well i'm going to go climb into my cozy little bed with Aniya in between us and go to sleep..there are so many other more serious issues ppl are going thru and I'm rambling about something that would seem like Bull Snot to them...forgive LORD...

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