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As the first day of the new year draws to a close I stepped on the scale and was slightly alarmed by the numbers.  No, I have not gained weight and this concerns me due to the fact that I have found myself indulging in old behaviors (cheese danishes, Coldstone's, peanut M&M's).  In addition, I have the tendency to drink a lot (vodka and cranberry juice) and consequently, I assumed that my weight would be quite high, perhaps 150.

In the spirit of a new beginning I am making some changes:
1. Stop eating processed foods (anything with high fructose corn syrup, partially hydrogenated oil, etc.)
2. Walk to school and work
3. Drink 64 oz. water per day
4. Eat only four ounces/ half a cup of food at a time and stop nibbling

I will be at my goal weight (127) in thirteen pounds.  However, when I look in the mirror I cannot tell a difference between now and 217. 

I realize that I have changed a lot, mentally and emotionally, since my surgery- the experiences which I have had (drunk nights in West Hollywood, rolling on E, having sex, having boys lust after me and bombard my phone with texts...) are relatively normal.  Yet, I find it intriguing that I was only able to act in such a fashion after I lost weight.  Furthermore, when boys hit on me I find myself inclined to dismiss them because they failed to see me before (and at my weight that was quite a feat!). 

Sigh.  I need to go to bed- I have spent the past three days drinking in Hollywood and I am exhausted.

Incidentally, I rarely eat anymore- the majority of my calories are courtesy of vodka and lattes. 

My friend posted pictures on MySpace, including several of me.  As I was looking at them I realized that I am... thin.  Like, my arm is a stick and I have uber-prominent collar bones.  How did this happen?!

I am officially below my goal weight... or what I thought was my goal weight.  Now that I am here I am determined to lose 17 more pounds.  A lot of my friends and family tell me that I am thin now and that I look perfect, however I know that they are lying.  I don't quite understand why anyone would deem it necessary to lie to me in regards to my weight and it makes it so much more difficult having to endure this journey alone, but I know that I will manage. 

On June 27 I am going to EDC (it's a  rave) with my best friend and probably a few of our friends from West Hollywood.  I would like to reach my goal weight by then because I would then be able to wear something I created* that is super tight and crazy. 

In order to reach this goal I am going to go full throttle for the next month:

1. Exercise five days per week.
2. Vegan foods only.
3. 60 grams pf protein per day.
4. 750 calories per day.
5. 64 oz water per day.

I am going to log my intake here and in my food diary and I am not going to succumb to temptation. 

*I'm an aspiring fashion designer and therefore, tend to rock my own designs whenever possible

In other news people keep making comments about how "slender" I am.  I find myself wondering who told them to lie and why. 

I have not weighed myself for a month, however I am sure I have lost weight.  After all, would I be wearing a size four dress if that was not the case?  I know, I know- I sound rather conceited, but I am so genuinely pleased that I can barely stomach (pun very much intended) my joy. 

Currently I am going to school full-time and working two jobs, yet I am managing to work out for an hour each day at least five days a week.  Oh, and I've been maintating my perfect G.P.A.  It's a necessary evil- graduate school and all. 

I have been a vegan for three weeks and it's going quite well.

Confession: This post was an excuse for me to discuss just how amazing I am because a certain individual attempted to call me out, so to speak, on the boards with ill-informed facts and dubious mathematics. 

I have been having some problems with my intake- some days it will be abnormally high (on Tuesday I had 1,600 calories!) and other days it will be relatively low (Wednesday's intake was 505 calories).  I attribute this to a personal emphasis on foods which are not nutrient dense and easy to consume in mass quantities.  For example, Tuesday consisted of three ounces of almonds, multiple packages of peanut M&M's, and calorie-laden protein bars.  Furthermore, if I eat early in the day I "wake" myself up and I will battle hunger all day.  Therefore, I try to refrain from consuming anything before two in the afternoon.  In addition, I have been drinking lots of water- 64 ounces a day.  I have also begun taking probiotics, enzymes, and my vitamins on a regular basis.  These appear to help. 

My goal is 127 and I hope to reach it by summer.  Yes, I will do it. 

I just started going back to the gym this week and tracking my calories.  I'm averaging 900 calories a day and approximately an hour of exercise a day.  I want to weigh 127 by my 21st birthday (May 18). 

I am worried that I am stretching my stomach.

Last night I sent a text message to my friend which read, partially, "im at a party and this guy is being the cattiest thing".  After confirming that the male was gay my friend sent me a text back which read, "tell him u kno a cuter top then he is" and "And hes ur bestie" and "And he's a bomb fuck".

I am so boring.

I weigh 152 pounds.  That means I have lost 65 pounds since October 9, 2008. 
My clothes hang off of me and I no longer have a double chin.
I do not spend all of my available funds on food. 
And yet... I can't tell a difference.  Honestly, when I look at myself in the mirror I can't see a change.
Furthermore, I don't have a boyfriend and my figure is still so unremarkable. 
I think I want to get down to 127.  Which I should be able to do by the beginning of April, tops. 
I don't like who I am anymore than I did when I was 217.

It is a Saturday night and I am home alone.  This is not an experience I am accustomed to.  My gay boyfriend and I had a HUGE fight on Tuesday and haven't spoken to each since.  If we had not fought I would be at his house, urging him to hurry up and get ready, while lounging on his bed and applying far too much eyeshadow.  I want to call and apologize, but I won't.  Well, not until tomorrow anyways. 

Tonight I ate a piece of pizza in an hour.  I despise myself.  I am going to stretch my stomach out and get fat again. 

I can't wait to see him again.  I genuinely miss him. 

Sigh.