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I have taken to wearing a pair of black skinny jeans which I have owned for two years.  These jeans have become my go-to outfit and rival sweats in their comfort level.  This is odd because they used to mark me with angry red indentions on the rare occassion I would manage to squeeze into them.

Tonight I'm going to a club in Hollywood and will wear the aforementioned jeans, a pair of tights (for warmth), a black shirt, a black blazer, and a scarf haphazardly wrapped around my neck.  Naturally I'll rock some wild make-up and glamorous party hair.  I hope I get some action tonight... please, please, please.

Currently I weigh 175 pounds.  When I read tales of people losing 45 pounds in one month I feel jealous until I remind myself that I haven't actually been doing much- I don't eat enough protein, carb load, and rarely get beyond 24 ounces of water a day. 

I went out with friends the other day and I saw this boy (who I was in love with my senior year of high school) that I hadn't seen in two years.  I am nearly fifty pounds thinner than when I last saw him, yet I don't think he even noticed the fact that my shoulders did not resemble those of a football player or that my stomach was flat.

In addition, I find myself wondering just how much thinner I have to be in order to get some action.  Yes, sex is my main concern because I am a twenty year old virgin who's last sexual encounter was four years ago and climaxed at heavy kissing.  Call me a whore (I don't know why you would, but go for it anyways), a nymphomaniac, or whatever but I want to get some action.

I am hopefully getting an I-Pod for Christmas and can start going to the gym and therefore, hurry up and lose the last 40 pounds by March. 

In other news, I have been going out to a lot of clubs with friends lately.  Due to my stomach capacity (or lack thereof) the majority of my friends think I have an eating disorder.  I am morbid so will often times get up in the middle of a meal, go to the bathroom, and come back wiping my mouth.

Well, the first thirty pounds fell off within a month and now... well, I weigh what I did two weeks ago.

I was allowed to start eating solids again on Friday and this is a definite problem because I have eaten carbs (more than the 40 grams a day).  Granted, I can't eat very much at one time and don't have insatiable cravings for brownies or ice cream.  However, I am worried that I will stretch my stomach out.  I have already had feelings of pain in my stomach and I just know that soon I will be able to binge again and I can't, God I can't.

I feel out of control.

I know that I have improved a lot.  My Starbucks habit has dissapeared, as has my Top Ramen/Haagen Daas weekly binge. 

I weigh 187 pounds! 

I have not weighed this little since I was fourteen (six years ago).  It has been five weeks since my surgery and I am down nearly forty pounds. 

For Halloween I was supposed to attend a party which I expected to be fun owing to the fact that I would get the benefit of seeing people wasted.  However, the "party" was more or less... lame and therefore, my friend and I left after an hour.  We went to get frozen yogurt and the place we went was .37 cents per ounce.  Total cost for me?  1.18. 

The friend was in my room and saw my surgery bracelet.  She asked me if I had surgery recently and I responded, "Yes."  I then gave her my modified story (one person knows I had VSG and that is because she drove me to and from the hospital, everyone else thinks I had thyroid surgery).  She was genuinely hurt that I hadn't told her before.  I have told a few people (less than five) about my modified surgery and did not want to be some sort of martyr; the only reason I tell anyone about my surgery is because I am eating with them and therefore, must confess as to why I am slowly sipping soup.  Conversely, this is not always the case- I went out to eat with my dad a week ago and he doesn't know I had the surgery.  I took a few bites of a baked potato, sipped some frozen yogurt, and nibbled at broth.  He commented on my eating and I informed him that I was attempting to lose weight.  Approximately six months ago I told him I was approved for the surgery, but I didn't offer any details.  After he told my brother I was having the procedure (and my brother was very offended I had not told him) I decided to not tell my dad anything about the surgery becase it was obvious he could not keep his mouth shut.  

I am three and a half weeks out and have discovered that I am saving a ton of money.  No more coffee shops everyday, no cucumber sushi, no fast food, no more ice cream. 

I was tempted, slightly, by the candy present and I knew it was possible for me to allow it to melt in my mouth and voila! liquid.  However, I refrained because I am going to rock this honeymoon phase like a fat kid in a candy store.  Furthermore, I do not want to damage my stomach.  

I have weighed myself twice since the surgery and am going to weigh myself again on the twenty-fifth.  I really am trying to not get caught up with numbers and instead focus on the fit of my clothes.

Funny story:  my mom is going through the classes and will finish in December.  We are hoping that she will get the surgery in April.  My mom told my brother about her decision and he slyly said, "I though (my name) was getting the surgery, what happened?"  My mom replied, "The doctor wouldn't let her- he said she didn't have enough to lose."  My brother said, "I always thought she ate really healthy and recently, I never see her eat!"  My mom stated, "She's pretty depressed right now, so she's not very hungry."  My brother was satisfied with this response.  

My brother is convinced he's observant, however I managed to have major surgery without him knowing.  Obviously, not quite as perceptive as he believes.  

In other news, I have been salivating over a variety of foods and cannot wait to eat them in a few weeks:
1. Cucumber sushi
2. Veggie hot dog
3. Fettuccini alfredo
4. Salad with blue cheese dressing
5. Fried mushrooms with ranch
6. Veggie burger


Today will be a pretty uneventful day.  I'm going to go to the school library and study for seven hours.  I have a midterm on Friday and am going to ace it, no matter what the costs. 

The day after surgery, October 10, I weighed 217.  On October 18 I weighed 202.2.  Today, October 27, I weighed... 194.6.

I have lost 22.6 pounds in nineteen days. 

My clothes have been fitting much better (surprise, surprise) and I am able to wear clothes I haven't worn in years.

Thanksgiving is in one month and I haven't seen my dad since I weighed 202.  I haven't seen assorted family members since I was 217.  I hope I can get down to 182.6 by then- a total loss of 34.4 pounds. 

I am allowed solid foods beginning the week before Thanksgiving and am allowed to start exercising on the ninth of November.  I am hoping that the exercise will combat the inevitable stall. 

I had surgery last Thursday and was told to do clear broths for a week.  I thought I was then allowed to move on to other softer foods.  Today I called my surgeon and he wasn't there, however a nurse was and when I asked what stage I am in she told me that I should still be doing clear broth. 

I have already had some soft food without incident and cannot imagine going back to broth alone.  I'm not getting any protein and the caloric content is so low that it gets walked off when I go to school. 

The past week has been terribly frustrating- I got a C on a midterm, my car was towed yesterday (I parked my car near school instead of walking the whole way because of my surgery) and is costing an obscene amount of money to get.  I am so stressed out and have been on the verge of tears all week.  I am tempted by every single food item I stumble across and today I nearly started crying when I imagined the taste of veggie hot dogs.  I feel as if I am going to burst out of my skin and if I have to continue to eat broth alone I will be forced to shank someone. 

I am calling my surgeon on Tuesday and until then will consume broth and water, but it will be miserable. 

It seems that my mediocre academic performance, my expensive car, my terrible mood all relate to my surgery and I think I regret it because it's brought me nothing good. 

I feel so overwhelmed and alone. 

Yesterday my mom and I were talking and she burst into tears because she is so worried about me.  Therefore, I stayed home from work today in efforts to pacify her.  It was helpful to lay down and allow my body to rest, especially after walking around school yesterday.

I ran to the bank to drop off my check and decided to go to Starbucks.  I ordered a short (eight ounces) caramel salted hot chocolate per my mom's suggestion a while ago.  When I got home I managed to drink half of it, however I began to feel ill and immediatedly poured the rest down the sink.  I feel incredibly guilty over this intake.  I am less than a week post-op and have already screwed up.  It makes it seem as if I cannot fix my former behavior which is responsible for my surgery. 

Today's intake was 205 calories.  I did walk to school and that took forty-five minutes each way.  Therefore, my total is under 200.  I know it sounds insane but I am ashamed because I was managing less than sixty calories per day. 

On Friday I am allowed to progress to baby food and yogurt.  However, I am going to call my surgeon and confirm this. 

My water intake has been incredibly low and it was a struggle to get thirty ounces in today. 

I left the hospital on Saturday, however I wished I had stayed for another day.  Currently I am very uncomfortable.   My largest incision (right side) feels as if it is tugging at my stomach and every time I attempt to consume anything I immediatedly regret it due to a pressure which greets me upon swallowing. 

Today I have had half a cup of tea and a popscicle (40 c.).  I will probably have broth later and of course, pain medication in thirty minutes.