Frankie82
Well, things are a mess :(
Jan 29, 2016
Hindsight is a frustrating thing. After reviewing my most recent posts, it really struck me just how poorly I've been doing and that I really needed to stop and pay more attention to me.
In mid-December, I had a mental health breakdown and my doctor pulled me off work. My workplace had been in the loop with the issues in my personal life, but I had no support from management. I kept having more duties assigned to me and my sales targets increased 500% from October 2014 to November 2015. To ensure I met my targets, my boss would have someone from the sales team stand behind me while I was working with a client to keep my numbers up. My doctor had been recommending a break for a few weeks before I took one, and when I approached my boss about it in hopes of some changes, her response was "it's not that I don't care about you as a person, but I have a multi-million dollar business to run."
I started being sloppy with my spending. By going to visit my sister more, my transportation costs went up and I just ate through my savings and racked up my credit cards again. Because I didn't have the funds, I stopped seeing my therapist. Yes, my work did reimburse me for some of my costs, but my cost per visit still worked out to a full day's pay and I just couldn't swing it anymore.
My DR has me on a whack of anti-anxiety meds, but has recommended anti-depressants as well. I have an appointment booked with her next week and I think I am going to start taking the anti-depressants. I am hesitant because there is a history of drug abuse and mental illness in my family, and getting those meds right is a lot of trial and error. I think I have to start them because I am spending a lot of time wondering what the point of me is. I was able to go to some counselling through my EAP at work, but they only cover three visits and I've used them. I need more therapy, but I don't know where to find private, free therapy. I will ask my DR about this at my next visit too.
I have terrible issues with leaving the house. Sometimes I'll leave, but I can't bring myself to get out of the car. I haven't been going to the gym at all. I go days without sleeping and then days where that's all I do. I've started having anxiety and panic attacks. I've never had these before. I get so lonely but I can't make plans because I don't know if that's going to be a good day or a bad day. When I make plans and then have to bail on them, I get so frustrated at myself.
I have regained 10 lbs. I get so mad and frustrated at myself when I step on the scale. I get mad that I let myself gain the weight back and then so frustrated at myself that I can't get out of my damn car to go to the gym. In another week my pay goes down to 75% pay unless I can go back to work, which at this point, I really don't think I can. Excluding gas and groceries, at 75% pay I run a $140 shortfall on my budget with no financial safety net.
