franRN76

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Exercise: (TOTAL:110min)
Tuesday morning (couldnt sleep)
30minute elliptical
30minute strength

Friday night:
20minute elliptical
20minute circuit
10minute ab coaster

Food:
Logged x3
Protein >80 each day

Blog:
x1

Well it is definitely time to get back on track and this time I mean it.  I haven't been doing so well over the last few months.  I will blame it in laziness on my part.  Well I didn't have this surgery to be lazy.  I did not put my body through the 1st 3 months of HELL just to be lazy.  I did not kill myself at the gym during that time just to be lazy.  I cannot afford to be lazy.  I need to get myself back in to the routine that helped me in the beginning.  Why?  So I can be healthy and energetic again.  So I can lose this weight.  So I can accomplish my short term goals and eventually my long term goal of having a healthy pregnancy/baby.

I had stopped going to the gym.  I had stopped logging my food.  I had stopped being mindful of what went into my body.  I would just reach for this and grab that and shove that into my mouth.  I guessed at my protein amounts, which were probably lower than what I had thought.  I stopped weighing/measuring my food.  I had started eating white bread again (PB&J's to be exact). 

I have been slowly starting to get things back in order over the last month. Here's what I done (in order):
1:  switch to WW whole wheat bread for my PB&J's.  Then I eventually cut them way back and made them on 1 slice of bread instead of 2. 
2: add vegetables in my diet, which has been hard to do when I am so stuffed after the proteins.  
3: Began watching my fiber intake.  Ordered these VitaTops offline (100cal, 2.5g fat, 20+ carbs, 3g Pro, 8g Fiber).  Main reason I ordered these is bc they are chocolate and I have been having a killer sweet tooth, which I have been giving into since I know that I do not DUMP.  HIND SIGHT: sure wish I never tested the waters
4: went back to the gym. jumped on the elliptical and did the hill settings at level2 for 30min (this was higher setting than I did when I was going to the gym b4) then did 30min of abs, thighs, and calf raises.
5: I re-evaluated why I wasnt going to the gym.  I realized that it was partly b/c the gym was not opened when I needed/wanted to go to the gym.  Opened on sunday mornings at 8am when I got home at 715am after working 12hour shift (made it hard to stay awake and wait).  Also it closed at 11p and I work 3-11p during the week and dont get home til 12MN.  Then its 2am when I go to bed and am too tired to go in the morning the next day. 
6: Joined a 24/7 gym.  Yeppers.  Even went to it Friday after working the 3-11p shift.  Planning on going in the morning.

THINGS TO DO:
1: be more consistent with food logging
2: go to gym x3/wk for 30minutes cardio x3d and 30minutes strength x2d
3: taking my vitamins and supplements
4: increse my protein intake
5: weigh twice weekly
6: blog x3 days a week.  I will try to summarize my week on sundays.
7: Take a new picture and add it to my before/after side by side PICS.

I love springtime and what it represent.  Goodbye drabby old Mr. winter and hello to warmer and brighter days.  Days filled with sunshine and lots of nature's little miracles.  So I was thinking that since I am starting this journey to emotional healing (saw the Psych tomorrow and go again next Monday) that this old saying about spring reflects how this is the beginning of my rebirth.  The WLS started the rebirth physically, but it opened up old wounds from the past.  So in ways April will bring showers of tears to help my future blossom. 

I thought I had put the past behind me, but as feared before having this surgery, it has reared its ugly head again.  What I need to do is look the demon (my past) in the eye and tell it that it won't WIN.  I am in this fight for the long haul and I will fight.  I will triumph and release the hold that this pain has on me.  I do not care how long it takes.  I am sick and tired of thinking that I was over it, just to have it creep back up again. 


I saw my new Psychologist yesterday.  I was impressed.  I of course did all the talking.  She asked questions and just listened.  I love the vibe that I got from her.  Now I wont lie.  I did feel raw when I left her office.  Mostly because I felt guilty.  My mother was a source of emotional and physical pain in my childhood.  We got over it and got closer before she died.  Now when I go back to the past and think of the woman she was then and what happened to me, I feel guilty.  I do not want to remember her in that way.  But I do have to re-visit the past to get over it.

Me, Tony, and the dog (Leo) went to the local park.  I thought I needed to get out and get some fresh air to help clear my head.  I was right it did help.  I have always like springtime and all that  comes with it.  It wasn't a sunny day, but the temp was great.  There was a slight breeze.  I ran around and played with the puppy.  Then we sat down on the grass.  I ended up laying on Tony's lap,  let my senses take over and let this nice Spring day clear my head.  The breeze on my skin and  the sounds of the children playing erased the hurt that I was feeling.  It was so peaceful.  I came home and took a nice nap.  Woke up feeling so refreshed.

the hormones are raging and causing me to have such mood swings.  I hate it because I feel like I have no control.  I feel like I did right b4 I had my nervous breakdown about 10 years ago.  I hate not feeling great like I have been since my surgery in Jan.  These moods swings are causing me to have nightmares, sleep less, have no desire to eat, feel so tired, and even beginning to withdraw away from my family.
Worked on a different floor this weekend and everyone was paying me compliments out the ass.  You would think that this would make me feel good.. right!  WRONG.  All I kept thinking is OMG how bad did I look before.  I was also cranjky and easily irritated this weekend.  Woke up today feeling the same wa.  I am craving attention, but yet want to be left alone at the same time.

Today I had a nice good cry.  Felt bad about crying. Felt weak.  Talked with fiance about how I am feeling.  I am scared that hes gonna think I am so nutzo and not want to stick around (its happened in the past with another guy).  I did however feel some better after the cry and the talk.  Got motivated to take the dog and go for a short walk outside.

I think that I am gonna increase my Lexapro dose, call the pyschologist tomorrow to talk or schedule an appt to talk.  Gonna ask for something for anxiety

    Me & my fiance at sisters rehearsal for her wedding

 My sister and her new Husband


Me and my siblings. 

  The Cake!  Live roses as the center piece.  Beautiful! and yummy.

  My Dad and his wife

Haven't been blogging like I should.  So here are some updates on my progress. 
- Broke down and bought new jeans 2 weeks ago.  Size 22 ( a little snug).  Down from a very tight 24.  Now the new jeans are a little lose in the waist.
- Attended my 1st class at Bally's.  Straight Up STEP.  I was a little afraid that I would make it thru the whole class.  I did though.  I kept up pretty well.  Turns out it was more of an advanced step class.  Still don't know what the hell a "U step" was.  My feet were so confused.  LOL.  Hoping to make this a part of my workout schedule every week.  Was told that Mondays were a little easier.  SO I will give mondays a shot.
- Sleeping a little better.  Still coming in spurts though due to this post nasal drip crap.  Woke up coughing today, but I think I slept 5 hours.  Slept almost 8 hours once this week. 
- Haven't been having to take naps everyday.  Not even on the days that I wake up at 5am, like today. 
- Started drinking protein shakes again, atleast one a day.  Still getting most of my protein from food though.
- My trainer up'd my workout a bit yesterday.  She said that I did great.  Boy, was I sweating a helluva lot more that I normally do with her.  Beads of sweat dripping off my face.  Felt so good though.   Getting in 2 sessions a week with her and doing one on my own.  This coming week though I will only have one with her.  So I will have to get motivated and do another one on my own.  I CAN DO IT! 
Here goes my biggest NSV!!!!!!
- I was confident enough to buy a dress for my sisters wedding (which she doesn't know I am attending). It was even a little out of my comfort zone too. Sleeveless dress with  White with hot pink flowers and some black accents and  with a hot pink mini jacket.  I have not been in a dress since my grandmothers funeral about 6 years ago.  Didn't even have one in my closest for special occasions.  This dress is brighter colors than I would normally wear (thanks to my sister saying "get something with color").  Is HOT PINK enough color AMY?  Also got these cute little shoes with a heel that is a little higher than I would normally wear.  Will post a picture from the wedding next weekend.

I have so much energy!  I feel great in spirits and physically (even the sore abdominal muscles from yesterdays workout session). I am feeling so much more confident.  Loving life so much!

Current WT: 293.4
Last weeks WT: 299
Weekly LOSS: 5.6 pounds
Monthly LOSS : 9 pounds

I have almost reached my 1st celebratory milestone of being under 300 pounds.  It has been 5 years since I have been there.  I was supposed to have waited until this Friday to weigh, but that darn scale called my name "jump on me Frances", on Tuesday.  I just knew that it would probably show a gain since working the weekend and being off my schedule then.  Low and behold, it said I had lost 2 pounds.  Hey I will take that number.  I am even thinking that I might have been holding on to fluid, since Sunday and Monday I was peeing alot and I know that my water intake was not any higher than it normally is.  Since beginning to work out (3 weeks ago) I have been drinking more.

Since week 3, it has been a steady uphill climb in my spirits.  I have more good days than not-so-good days.  I walk taller or with a little PEP in my step as my fiance says.  I hold my head up high and I look people in the eyes.  My sense  of humor is through the roof too.  I think I kept my trainer very entertained yesterday, she kept laughing my my silliness and jokes. 

I am so full of energy.   It feels so good to have my stamina back again.  I even ran down the stairs at work yesterday, well atleast down one floor.  Normally I would have just taken the elevator.  I got so tired of waiting for it yesterday.  I am going into work with a more positive attitude.  I am so thankful just to have a job right now.  Normally I would be "man i don't want to go into work and deal with the BS".   What a negative way to start the shift.  most times I would get positive after a short time.  Now I am positive when I am just getting there.  I am greeting everyone.  Saying stuff like "i feel great", what a nice day". 

I am finally sleeping better after battling with insomnia right after surgery.  Sleeping 5-6 hours most nights, with an occasional 7 hours in there.  I wake early and cant go back to sleep so i get up and start my day.  Most days I lay back down and take an hour nap, especially before I go to work (3-11p).  I don't feel tired or fatigued like I did the first few weeks after surgery.  I have a feeling that this is going to be my new schedule.  Which is perfectly ok with me.  But I would like one day a week to be able to sleep 8-10 hours sleep..  u know to have a lazy day.

Getting more than enough fluids in.  Since working out at the gym 4-5 days a week, I have been drinking more.  Getting most of my 70g (NUT recommendations) of my protein in with just food, but add a protein drink or two since I am working out so hard.  So Protein has been 90-100+ a day.  I am still struggling with my vitamins and supplements.  I start off right, but then I forget the last one at night.  Trying to get better. 

Exercise is going great.  I have noticed that my endurance and stamina is better. Trainer has commented on seeing improvements on my cardio.  Also I have noticed that I am doing things that I never would have even tried before.  Like yesterday she wanted me to do mountain climbers.  Didn't know what they were until she showed me.  I will admit that I didn't think that I would be able to do them.  But I am willing to try anything once.  I think I did rather good on them.  Even liked them.  Suggested them instead of the jumping jacks for right now (since they always make me have to go pee).  Have been going to the gym 4-5 days a week with 3 days being strength training.  Muscles are really sore in my thighs right now from yesterday, but I am working through the pain. 

TO sum it all up,  I have no regrets on having this surgery.  Nothing but good has come from it.  I am 60 pounds lighter and I feel tons better.  I am full of energy.  I look forward to exercising.  Miss it when I take my day off.  Sleeping better.  Having a more positive attitude all the time.  Less stressed.  Having a great time learning what I need to do to make this a LIFESTYLE change that I can live with!!!!

Almost 6 pounds lost in 2 weeks.  What a head rush and good feeling this morning when I weighed.  Much better than the defeated feeling when I was weighing everyday and the scale was saying I gained and lost the same 6 pounds.  So my conclusion: I am gonna weigh once a week and ONLY once a week.

I am so proud of myself this morning.  Here it is 0800 and I have already been to the gym and am now drinking my protein shake (Nectar chocolate Truffle w/ Vanilla Soy milk).  I got right out of bed and was out the house a little before 0700.  TEC came to bed around 0530-0600.  I woke up when he climbed into bed.  Was wide awake.  So me and him talked and snuggled a little bit.  Then I told him I was going to the gym since I couldn't go to sleep.  I have said this before and sat on the couch to eat breakfast and then never made it to the gym.  So this morning I didn't even sit down anywhere, except the toilet.. LOL.. 

Also proud because I chose the program on the elliptical which had hills.   Only did it on level 1, but atleast I jumped right out of my usual habit and comfort zone of flat surface on level1.  Definitely had me sweating.  I also did 30 minutes plus the 5 minute cool-down.  Normally I have been doing 15-20minutes. 

Also proud that I did 3 sets of 12 reps each of upper and lower ab crunches.  Pushed right through them.  By set 3, I could barely get to 10, but I took a deep breath and did the last few. 

Majorly proud of me for trying the soy milk.  It is so Yummy!!!!   It tastes awesome in the protein shake as well.

So some major NSV's here for me here today!!!!!!!